Honesty is Confidence

I am really glad that I committed to going to this with my coworkers. Alesso was electric. My god, I haven't felt so alive in so long. It may be difficult times right now, but remember to give yourself grace and live a little.

It's been a minute. You are 35 at the time of writing this. Let me start off by saying that before 2025, life has been rough to you. Getting shit on by work, doctors, and family. I know you are angry and wanted to give up and give in to the rage. You chose to be a villain at work for the sole purpose of proving the point of don't fuck around and you won't find out. You stood tall and kept those fuckers accountable for their actions, or lack thereof. However, there was backlash, and you drifted into a deep depression. Weirdly enough, you reached out to Shy in 2025 just to hang out and catch up as friends. Little did you know it would become one of the best friendships you've ever had. She makes the effort to hang out with you once a month, and that speaks volumes. No other friend could match that level of commitment. People ask about your friendship with her, but it doesn't fucking matter what people think about you. They see you happy. You started hanging out with other people and even went back to playing Edision Yu-Gi-Oh, which, by the way, you topped for the season! I am really proud of you for committing to your hobbies. I know it hasn't been easy to maintain it with fighting depression and all. Now, it is 2026, and you still struggle here and there. Your psychiatrist changed your medication regimen, and you have feelings again. I know, right? Who would have thought you would regain feelings? It's still tough currently. You are still supporting your mom and the brothers after your sister moved on. I know it's difficult being this strong all the time, but you are doing more than most people could handle. I am proud of you for that. Keep being vulnerable with your feelings. Keep going to therapy once a month. Continue to keep to yourself at work because fuck them, they don't need full access to your life. Be the villain and continue keeping people accountable for their actions. Your siblings may not know how much you struggle, but you are keeping it down. Rest when you need to. Remember, you are doing more than what most people can handle, and I am proud of you for that. Keep moving forward, you are doing great.

I have lost too much this year. It comes in waves and I struggle to get myself back into the groove of things. It's been two months since you passed and I now understand when people say "I wish I had more time to talk to you". Life goes on, but I have moments of weakness. It's those future events that get me the most. Knowing that you won't be there when I get married, when I have my first kid, or to hold them. Only memories remain to fill the void. While my relationship with you was toxic and rocky at best. I came to terms with it knowing that you were human. Grief is a complex feeling. I miss you, Dad.

I finally passed and got my LCSW status at the end of October. I started online dating again. I got my heart broken again. It's been a while since I have felt this vulnerable. Still hurts, just not as bad as it once did. Covid is running rampant, but it is what it is. I want to travel without having the worry if I am going to get locked down or quarantined. I am still writing my poetry, but I still need to practice my craft. 2021 sucked, but what else could I ask for? The resolution remains the same each year as always: survive.

Well, here you are at the age of 30. Not married, no kids, and still living at home during a pandemic. Shit has not gone your way for so long. Yet, you stand tall to survive and adapt. Remember what you told yourself, keep traveling. Keep being vulnerable, authentic, and never stop learning.  I know you are emotionally exhausted, but it’s okay to take a breather for yourself. Happy 30th birthday, make it to the next one. No expectations and do what you want. You have been doing good for standing up for yourself. Be brave in the face of adversity. No matter how scared and lonely you are, fight until the very last breath. You matter to so many people and have made a difference. You are doing good. You are good. 

Holy shit, it’s been a while since I have posted on this thing. 2020 has been a dumpster fire of a year so far. Fuck 2020 for taking everything from everyone. I am waiting for the silver-fucking-lining, but I doubt I will see it anytime soon. I would like a refund for this year, honestly. 

The year where I started taking care of my mental health more seriously. The year I started taking medication for my anxiety and depression. The year where I was finally able to be myself. Finally, the year I became comfortable with the uncomfortable. My resolution still remains: survive.

In your eyes, I wish to be deemed worthy To say that I am loyal would be an understatement

It’s weird becoming distant from friends and suddenly all those who surround me now are coworkers. I guess that is what happens in the “adult world”. This feels like a life lesson that I was never ready for. Dealing with the reality of losing close friends and only seeing glimpses on Instagram.  Did I do this to myself? Most likely. Roll solo for the time being and keep moving forward. That is all I can do.

LIHO-Her.

I thought I retired the Moose nickname long ago, but this party showed me otherwise. It is more of a personality that I denied years ago. A resurgence came back in full force. I have to be willing to accept all of me if I want to love myself fully. The animal in me refuses to die and manifested into this. Acts of Moosery, they live on.

I had been stargazing for so long Overlooking the universe, For it too, sought her attention

This was the year of failures for me. I failed my LCSW exam three times and I always questioned the validity in myself if I was meant to even pass this exam. I failed miserably at dating Sandy and then went to therapy. Then that opened up a new can of worms with my dad and that toxic relationship. He kicked the rest of my siblings out and here I am, renting a space for my sibling and myself for double the price. I guess that was worth improving my mental health.  Anything that could go wrong, did go wrong. Anywho, life goes on. I took a vacation and recentered myself. Now, I have no more fucks to give on the small stuff. Why sweat it? So I failed? Keep studying and try again. So that relationship didn’t work out? Move on to someone else that understands your madness. So your job sucks? Keep doing what you do as you matter to all the other coworkers. I’ve accepted all that I am and 100% percent of all my fears. I am more than labels. I am enough to get through this and more. I’ve lost so much this year, yet here I am. Resilient.  My goal still remains the same: survive.