Watch Me Rise

I'm angry. I'm angry that my grandmother passed away. I'm angry that mental illness took her. I'm angry that she starved herself to death. I'm angry she died in a hospital bed alone. I'm angry bevause COVID kept me from seeing her. I'm guilty. I'm guilty I didn't see or notice any signs or different behaviour. Until it was too late. I'm guilty for not spending enough time with her while she was in my reach. I'm guilty for getting impatient with her the day she left for the hospital. I hope she truly knows how much I love her. I'm angry again. I'm angry it took medical professionals too long to admit her to the mental health ward. It was too late. 4 weeks of refusing food. She won't eat. She's paranoid. She won't shower. She won't drink water. I'm so mad. I'm mad COVID won't let me see her to tell her how important she is and her life. I'm sad again. I'm sad she could never feel the unconditional love she had in her life from her family and friends. Mental illness fucking sucks. No funeral allowed. Fuck COVID.