Shavasana

this actually represents my life.

🍫😍👌🏾

They are forever a mood!🥵😍

Its 2 am & Im up again trying to formulate sentences beautiful enough to portray you. I just haven’t found the right words. They seem to be stuck .. somewhere between I love you & you don’t give a fuck. and your heart won’t give me the directions to find you. I give up. or at least I want to. But Im almost certain Darkness will find me up trying again looking down, trying to blanket me with her pitty. Begging someone to love me .. the way I love 2 am.

Today is the day you would have born Dear daughter or son, I am sorry that I could not keep you that I could not protect you that I was what killed you that I was not strong enough to carry you that I was too weak to hold you that my love was not strong enough to birth you that I never had a chance to kiss you that our eyes never met that our hands never touched that I saw you but you NEVER saw me but I know you know the love I had for you made my heart skip beats and I know you loved me just as much as I loved you. I wasn’t ready for you when you blessed me with your presence but your father loved confidence into me. He proved to me that I would be a great mother. He showed me how to love you by loving me. did you know before you were concieved he saw you in his dreams. He keep picturing this little girl running towards him. She’s Bare foot. With two missing front teeth. You had my eyes. A Head full of pink and green bowretts and those little balls that snap back like orange beauty supply combs on early mornings before school. Arms reached out like your grandmothers, a safe haven for him to lean into. For us to lean into. But I was supposed to be a safe haven for you. but instead you were called to be a gradian angel for us two. I wish I did better at protecting you I’m sorry please forgive me mommy loves you !

Ive never said I wish I didn’t meet someone and mean it as much as I mean it in regards to you. I never really sought anything when it came to “us” or the lack there of, but no matter how much you try to front deep inside you knew. You knew that after two years those feelings grew, no they blossomed…they blossomed into things that aren’t tangible to man or maybe just intangible for us two.  I hate you because I loved you. I hate you bc I still do. I hate you bc 95% of my poetry is still about you. I hate you bc I lost my inspiration when I lost you. After that thought I’m left to ponder if I every really had you and I don’t want my thoughts to drift into a bottomless abyss so I..  Kick my feet up and think about the good times we had. That’s.. past…tense .. and now I’m reminded how that chapter has ended and now I’m sad. The cycle is consistent the thoughts are persistent and you’re..  Indifferent It’s like those moments meant nothing and I knew what this was, just fucking. Yeah .yeah.. My fault. Just fucking. Nothing more.  Shouldn’t have caught feelings. WRONG! Just fucking doesn’t consist of pillow talking and cuddling btwn the sheets. You gave me false hope and you allowed me to hold on those false pretenses I wanted to hold on but I was defenseless Shell shocked and broken with you as my witness Now answer me this. .why drag me along  if you knew we were singing the same melodies but to a different song? You lead me to believe that if we watered each other, we’d grow together. But I watered you And although we shared roots I couldnt live off of you forever You didnt share because because you didnt care Something you forgot to mention. now its winter The weather has changed and i cant grow in this condition.

I’m not big on religion but after what we did the other day. I had to get down on my bedside claps my hands, bow my head and begin to pray. FATHER FORGIVE ME. for I have sinned. The last time I was on my knees thou was not praying, but Oh My God OH MY GOD is what his lips where saying. I know I know i’m a lady so I should speak with such conviction but hello world my name is Nyiah and I seem to have an addiction. I don’t want your opinion shh don’t speak just listen. Poetry’s my rehab and I just checked in. His essence can’t be injected,sniffed and snorted, nor smoked. He could never be a pill why he’s far too big i’d choke. He isn’t any form of ecstasy but the side effects are parallel once he’s inside of me. It starts with the impaired judgement, false sense of affection, confusion, depression. and once he’s deep my teeth start clenching, I feel the muscle tension, I get blurred vision, degenerated nerve branches and nerve endings. He’s a blessing and yet sins SYNONYM. and i’m … ADDICTED. addicted to the high but OBSESSED with the dick and every inch of his mind body and spirit he knows how to make me tick TOCK the clock struck nine. he had to go bc like all drugs he isn’t just mine. we remain separate though our bodies entwine pleasing me in ways unimaginable to man kind and i’m .. ADDICTED I don’t think you understood me you see I said i’m ADDICTED.. CHRONICALLY. He engraved his name on me when he licked it, he owns me. I’ve lost ownership to senses. He left me with no voice. His premise left me defenseless. A saint by birth but sinner by CHOICE. No I did not seek him out of desperation. I was a victim of sweet temptation. TRANSLATION: the flirtation led to my legs elevation and deep penetration heart palpitations and heavy respiration. TRANSLATION: his penis became my daily medication and i’ve made reservations for detoxification but I .. I never make them. Instead I pull out that blue lingerie set, the one he said set fire to his eyes. Patiently awaiting him to kiss my lips and part my thighs, the most pleasurable of sin. He has my body in complete submission. If only he belonged to me, it wouldn’t be so bad that he IS MY ADDICTION.

After the first poem I know you realized the effect you had on me.. but I’m still addicted.. Chroniclly 
& after all the palpitations there are things still heavy on my chest.. 
& I feel the urge to confess..
That shit was amazing. 
like grace would shake her head with disgrace 
but 2 days later I’m still high from the after taste 
Of every inch of you below the waist and… 
I still know my place, but I swear sometimes it’s hard.. 
Unable to keep my discretion I must profess my transgressions.. 
I have a.. 
1. Confession : I hear you. No. I listen. And every time you try to slide those slick comments in, you think I don’t hear. I do.. I just.. Dont wanna go back down the road most traveled leading me back to the nowhere we started and have to recollect the time and experience the same as those other travelers. But what did I expect? For me to be some exception? But I thank you BC in every heart ache is a lesson but.. 
2.Confession: I was always taught with ever rule there is an exception. And I thought I would be able to change your perception 
Like glasses but I should have known better, you only wore those to classes 
You didn’t want to see the U in US
So to shut me up.. You made me scream
3. Confessions: Your name speaks volumes..Or was that just me. So intertwined within my fantasy, I thought you would make us a reality.. 
Like shows are what you put on for me 
I just became memories that would be washed out of your bed sheets. 
4. Confession : You wondered why I cried when you washed your bedding. I know you thought this bitch is p.m.sing. You thought washing those stains would wash me out your life 
Like this is a game and you’d hope to pass go and collet $200 right? You can be honest with me because honestly 
5. Confession: After you hurt me the first time it made me numb. All the times after I came just to cum but last night you called me beautiful 
Like… 
No matter what you say, your words still break me down. 
BC no matter what, ill never be beautiful enough to be yours 6. Confession: thats turly all I ever wanted

how to love others from abc and dmx!!!!!!