Somebody asked me via private message for my opinion about âthe biggest misconceptions about D/s and what people should know before getting into a dynamicâ. I think maybe others can benefit from my answer to this question too, so I give it publicly in this postâŚ
1) D/s can never ever fix existing relationship problems. If you have a vanilla relationship that you want to transfer into a D/s Dynamic, donât think for a second that D/s will make things better or easier. The opposite would be the case. You canât build a D/s Dynamic on a shaky foundation. - This seems to be a common misconception for people in a vanilla relationship who want to start with D/s, that it would fix problems. No, it wonât.
2) There seems to be a general misconception about what D/s even is in the first place. Vanilla and D/s are presented like two completely different things, opposites even, but thatâs not really the case and shows a lack of understanding of the fundamentals: Every relationship has a power dynamic! In every relationship, no matter if romantic, platonic, professional or whatever, you have one person a little bit more in charge of one matter than the other. Eg in romantic relationships women have usually the dominant role when it comes to home decoration, the partner with the higher income has often the last word about financial decisions, men are usually in charge of fixing things etc (I know, these are clichĂŠs, but more often than not theyâre true, and itâs just random examples anyway). And also generally you normally have one partner who âhas the pants onâ in a relationship. This has nothing to do with D/s in a narrower sense, itâs just inherent to relationships, thatâs how they work. A power dynamic is nothing that you artificially introduce or add to a relationship, itâs already there, always. Most people are just not aware of that.
In a âD/s Dynamicâ you bring this characteristic to the surface and decide consciously who has how much power in which field, and establish some sort of hierarchy. And then you explicitly live by it. In my opinion you have the same hierarchies in many vanilla relationships too, people just donât know about it consciously, and that causes friction and tension. So in the end D/s is not something out of the ordinary, itâs simply reflecting and consciously deciding about the power distribution in your relationship.
Often you have a kink aspect in D/s relationships too, but for itself D/s has nothing to do with kink. Kink is just a certain kind of sexuality.
3) See all the misconceptions about âslavesâ [link]. Of course all of this applies to all subs, not only to those who identify as slaves.
4) In not many other contexts you have such a strong desire to label people and things as in D/s. Masters, littles, S&M, and so on⌠Everything gets put into a box, and many people become insecure when they compare themselves to others in the same box, to the point where they start doubting if theyâre even really a âtrue [label]â. I tell you a âsecretâ now about relationships, I tell you the core of what makes a relationship happy: To have another person, with whom you can be completely yourself, drop all masks, and they love you for exactly this, for who you really are. This is the core of a happy relationship, and itâs the reason why labels are irrelevant. Other subs, slaves, littles, Doms, Masters, Daddies are different than you, do things differently, like different things? That doesnât make you less of a [label], it just makes you you, and thatâs what itâs all about. As long as you are yourself, you are happy, your partner is happy with who you are (=youâre compatible) and you donât hurt others by being yourself, youâre absolutely a âtrue [label]â if that means anything to you. And if it doesnât, even better.
5) It is normal that you have phases in your relationship or Dynamic, during which things work better or worse, youâre more or less frustrated, kinky, balanced, whatever. Relationships are not static, they grow and evolve and change, in cycles, with recurring patterns, or gradually forever. Thatâs fine, thatâs a good thing in general. Of course it can happen that things move into the wrong direction, then you have to talk about it and reverse this motion, but in general itâs perfectly normal that not everything stays the same forever.
Btw this can apply to the parameters of the relationship itself too, eg to limits or preferences. Itâs okay if they change over time and it is okay, even required in that case, to re-negotiate the parameters with your partner. Yes, youâre absolutely âallowedâ to do that as a sub!
6) Everybody says that communication would be the most important thing to make D/s work. But thatâs only one side of the coin. You can communicate as much as you want if you communicate about the wrong things or donât even know what you should communicate. Self reflection is the other side, thatâs just as important. Negative changes that happen slowly enough are difficult to recognize if you donât make a constant conscious effort to be self aware. I recommend to everybody in D/s to keep a diary! Either a common diary in which you both write, or each a private one, thatâs also okay, just to be forced to listen to yourself and pay attention to whatâs going on in your head and heart. When you have to write about yourself, you have to be self aware, and so you will notice problems much earlier.
7) There is a difference between punishment, maintenance discipline and fun, and itâs super important to be aware of it. (a) Punishments only occur as the consequence of an infraction and have to be proportional in type and intensity to the severity of the infraction. A Dom should never have fun punishing his sub - if he does, he doesnât understand the meaning of a punishment. (b) Maintenance discipline is usually scheduled and has the purpose to remind both partners of the power hierarchy by making it directly, physically perceivable. Itâs a difference to know that someone has power and to actually feel it physically. It can also be used for the benefit of the sub only, as a sort of âreleaseâ of negative emotions. Š And aside from a and b you can of course do whatever you want just for the sake of having fun. â If a Dom doesnât understand this distinction, you have all kinds of problems potentially coming up, like setting the sub up for failure/subs intentionally disobeying in order to actively trigger a punishment, or Doms using punishments to vent anger, or a fading of the Dynamic when maintenance would be needed but isnât done, or boredom if the Dom isnât aware that he can just do something âjust because he wants toâ (for fun), within the negotiated framework of course, or if sub isnât aware that she can just ask for a spanking too, and so onâŚ
8) Doms donât have to play strong and infalible all the time, it doesnât diminish their âdomlinessâ not to hide the fact that theyâre human beings. Quite the opposite. It will only deepen the subâs trust when a Dom is capable to own his mistakes, it will deepen the connection if the Dom can cry on his subâs shoulder when he is sad, it will strengthen the bond when both work on problems together as a Team instead of having the Dom pretending that he can do everything alone all the time. @Doms if you have a sub who canât submit to you anymore because she has seen you weak, she doesnât understand what D/s is and she will never be yours fully. You are allowed and encouraged and required to show your sub all of you, your super manly alpha domliness as well as your tears and fears and doubts. Let your sub serve you not only by sucking your dick but also by being there for you and support you when youâre having a hard time. This will only make her trust you and submit to you even more. Except youâre a whiney little pussy crying about everything every day (okay, Iâm exaggerating a bit here, but you know what I mean), in this case you canât be a Dom because you couldnât take responsible for another human being, but the normal landscape of emotions that everybody has within them is perfectly normal to show to your partner.
10) You canât dominate mental health issues. Get professional help if you have any. You can be supportive and you can care, and this can absolutely make all the difference, but you canât cure mental illnesses by D/s, or love, alone.
11) Consent is mandatory. For everything, all the time.
12) To involve a third party in your Dynamic will most likely cause problems and will never ever fix any problems that you might already have. Only do that if you have a 100% stable, solid, healthy, happy relationship on rock solid foundation of trust and love, and if youâre both 100% certain that this is exactly what you both want. And then pick someone that youâre both 100% comfortable with, do not have only one side pick someone and the other just has to live with the pick. In this matter there canât be any inequality of power, but both sides must have equal say in everything.
13) Love is not enough to make a relationship work. Compatibility is everything!!
14) Real life obligations always have priority before kink. Otherwise a relationship wonât last long.
15) I often read something like âAm I allowed, as a sub, toâŚ.?â - and in 99% of all cases the answer is âYes, of course you are!â - Am I allowed to declare x a limit? Am I allowed to want/ask my Dom to do y? Am I allowed to feel z? Yes, yes and yes. As a sub you have the same basic rights as every other girlfriend/boyfriend or wife/husband. All your wants, needs, feelings, desires, preferences, limits are valid. You are always allowed to declare everything a limit. You can always respectfully ask your Dom to fulfill whatever Want or desire you might have (but donât react bratty if he says no, thatâs his right to do, if itâs not about a need of yours). You are always allowed to express your feelings and opinions and questions. Youâre an individual, nobody even needs to allow you to be one or could forbid you to be one!
Just off the top of my head. Thereâs certainly much more that I didnât think of right now spontaneously. Feel free to make additions @everybody.
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