I AM GRIEF,

to make a long story short, this is a little more than just a simple move: i'll be coming out to my family and moving away within the same week. i don't talk about it much, but i come from a very conservative household and a family with More Than Two preachers in it, so needless to say my identity and my love isn't welcome in my own house. its been a big secret for the longest time, but its time to gtfo of here and actually live a proper life. we have absolutely no idea how my family is going to take this, and there's a very real possibility that i'll just be kicked out right away, so we're trying to be better safe than sorry and cover all our bases. i'm going to be going back home with my partner, where i will be much safer and happier, and also have better job opportunities as i currently live in one of the states that still has federal minimum wage.

hi guys!! i'm still sick as hell and its kicking my ass and i realized by the time i'm not sick anymore it'll probably be right around the time i'm moving in with kellin, so i figured i'd put my little hiatus notice out early. we'll be driving cross country and it'll potentially be very stressful for me as previously explained, so i definitely won't have the chance to write for a few weeks at least.

i'll still be dashboard lurking, sending memes, and on discord, so pls plot and chat with me!! (especially during this stressful time omg) i just probably won't have the time/mental capacity to actually write until i'm settled in. or maybe i will and will post scattered replies here and there, idk. but bear with me please!! i have a lot that i owe and a lot going on, lmao.

it's bothering him, a worse than a hangnail. that he understands victor ---- that makes his stomach tense, makes him dizzy, how much he understands everything victor says. amos was one thing ---- but a heavy - handed father was not an abnormality, much as he hated it. but the grieving : this is the bone stuck - fast in jameson's throat. fuck, he could even see himself in victor, and it's not a mirror he's eager to meet. different roads met the same oblivion.

fuck, gods, he gotta stop staring into the middle distance. victor's got him off - balance. he exhales, recovers himself, takes another drink. " who were you before . . . you know? " terrible question, if jameson wants to avoid the horrible realizations he's having ( they're not even two sides of the same coin : the same coin entirely. empathy, a grasp away, threatening a well - earned repression that jameson had, before now, built like a fortress. ) he's not even sure why he bothers to ask. maybe there's something kinder in him than he knows : maybe he's determined the further immiserate himself, and get it all over with tonight, instead of drawing it out.

it takes far longer to process he's being spoken to , that its his husbands voice he hears , asking him a question. head shakes , eyes blinking open in a buffer. ❛ hmm ? ❜ the questioning sound is all but purred , head lolling to the side to look bleary-eyed at the other. ❛ oh , i . . . um———fuck , sorry , that's really good. ❜ subtle , right. pull yourself together , he thinks. there's only so much of this that can be passed off as too much to drink.

'𝐈𝐌 𝐒𝐎𝐑𝐑𝐘, 𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐂𝐄𝐍𝐓' 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒 𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐋𝐘 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐀𝐅𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐄𝐃 𝐓𝐎 𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍 𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍 𝐒𝐇𝐄 deserved them the most. her life had been about being made to endure things, to sit in discomfort, to swallow whatever is done to her, said to her, without opening her mouth to complain. if she did she got a disapproving look, she got scolded or ignored entirely. hardly anyone around the dowager queen had paid enough attention to her to take her seriously nor care--even with her friend, even with rhaenyra sometimes, she still feels as if she is alone. isolated in a gilded prison made up of red brick, dragons, & duty. was this all her life was ever meant to be or could there have been some other timeline were life was kinder to her ? even still, she cannot cry nor dwell over what cannot & will not be. all that matters is now & what must be done for the sake of a different outcome or, in the least, the possibility of it. victor seemed more the optimist than her at times & in him she sees a trait she once had when she was a girl ... like most things from that period, optimism had long left.

@quvir sits beside her & alicent nearly holds her breath. the desire to leave, to sit alone with her own thoughts increases. a tendency she learned as she grew---being too close to people, letting them in, often times invited some kind of ruin upon them.