They did in fact, all get sexier

not because he's a baby a la classic man cold

but because he will AGGRESSIVELY try to pretend he is not sick

he is trying to gaslight others but ALSO himself

he has a gold medal immune system thank you he did NOT get taken down by ill pikeling spreading Elementary School Plague to him

not happening

as an itty bitty he lied so he wouldn't have to skip hockey, and that has NOT changed as an adult

his true toxic trait is that he WILL be typhoid mary in that locker room if it means he doesn't have to stay home and miss playing

like. no one else on the team understands Hollander Illness Behavior yet, so they're teasing ilya about being overprotective because shane is SO underplaying it and meanwhile ilya is just, "no, i am so fucking serious. get a medic and then call an ambulance."

and shane who is barely on this realm of existence and about 0.2 seconds from having Involuntary Floor Time is just, "don't worry :) i'll just take an advil or something :)"

@nirby-wirby

the idea that ilya was trying to be loving and let shane come to his own conclusions that he was sick and give in to being cared for because they're still early in their marriage and he thinks that's still possible

only for The Appendixing to happen and shane in the aftermath losing his faking it privileges as a result because APPARENTLY his shifty ass will just "no thank you" his own body THROUGH A FUCKING! MEDICAL EMERGENCY!!

@dragoonthegreat

CACKLING

i also feel like part of the problem is that he IS so good. yeah his fever is 102 and he can't really see straight and gravity is applying to him unevenly, but he is still making goals. would that goal have happened if he was at home?? GUESS WE'LL NEVER HAVE TO KNOW.

the idea of the team thinking they can rat him out to ilya (at home on temporary injury reserve) being SO darkly funny to ilya. he WISHES he had the authority to just make shane admit he's sick and rest. you would think someone obsessed with their health in every other way would take illness seriously enough to rest when he needs to.

by third period, shane has a killer headache and is insanely dizzy. but there’s only fifteen minutes left of play; he can tough it out!

cut to shane rushing off the ice, very visibly swallowing down the bile that rises in his throat, and then faints mid-conversation with the medic on the bench. game is paused so shane can be safely brought to an examination room to be evaluated.

post-game interviews, ilya is being asked about their win and whether or not it was because hollander was out of play for practically an entire period. he comes extremely close to screaming at the media room and storming to the visitors’ medical facility to check on shane himself. (he was also asked if his team purposely put shane out, if it’s an injury caused during the game)

His Google search history that night:

how long for edible to hit

boston v montreal highlights

ilya rozanov fight compilation

can weed make thoughts gay

can you suck dick and not be gay

tips for sucking dick in not gay way

shane hollander gay rumors

gay hockey players

gay hockey players male

what is rpf

how to delete web history

how to act normal

is it rude to eat a whole pizza at party

ate a whole pizza by myself what do i do

is everybody mad at me

good excuse to leave party

how to fake death and start new life

how to fake death and start new life without hurting moms feelings

how to survive in canadian wilderness

unlikely animal friends canada cute

how to hide crying

too high cannot speak is that normal

how to check i am still alive

get less high quick

can weed cause heart attack should i go to hospital

will hospital tell parents i got high

will hospital send me to jail because i did drugs

prison survival tips

is there hockey in prison

how to avoid prison

can weed kill you

weed overdose

could i be the first person to overdose on weed

is it rude to die at party

how to tell parents sorry for taking edible and dying

is it embarrassing to die from weed gummy

how to die in cool and impressive way

afterlife real or no

how to accept death

what to do in final moments on earth

Shane would definitely have a hard time connecting with Troy at the beginning but then Ilya says something about Shane's food habits when they are ordering food for the team and Troy not only gets offended, but comes to Shane's defense full tilt. "ILYA!!! What the fuck!!Why are you making fun of your man's order. Salmon and brown rice is delicious!!! That's my favorite meal!!!" Then Shane and Troy spend the lunch discussing the benefits of their performance diets and comparing notes on food prepping for optimal fuel value per caloric intake.

Ilya stands by Harris, stunded by Troy's betrayal and wondering if he should be jealous. But he quickly forgets about it when Harris says, "Those two can't possibly have functioning taste buds. Who doesn't like cookies and cream ice cream?" As he hands Ilya a loaded bowl of ice cream.

Then they become couple besties because:

Exhibit A: Harris and Ilya

Loud as fuck, in everyone's business, love yummy food, music and being with friends, and super proud of their queerness.

Exhibit B: Shane and Troy

Obsessed about being at peak performance, not really aware of how hot they are, trauma bonded over stupid shit they've done because of fear of being outted and most importantly, quiet bitches that can tear anyone up in a heart beat.

Exhibit C: Harris and Shane

Media training (They each could have a TedTalk or a podcast), Ottawa because "what do you mean they closed the place that made the good smoothies?" and family because these boys love their families.

Exhibit D: Ilya and Troy

Love for their dogs.

like the way shane was so down to try this out despite it still being a little uncomfy and new because their last sexual experience was SO good. and it IS good! like! it feels good and hot and fun.

because shane thinks they're PLAYING.

like ilya in the bathroom before was softer (still distant, still not the version of himself he was in shane's bed six months ago, but *close*) and nudged him in close and rubbed his fingers along shane's neck and kissed him and teased with him. so like. okay. the want is still there. the Us is still there. he didn't get what he wanted and then no longer had any interest.

which means shane goes into sex being like, "okay. we're trying out a new thing. we checked off vanilla regular sex last time. we're playing a new thing here, and i'm playing, too." (tiny shane smirk when he takes the power back enough to get ilya to give up his power game and fuck him, you will always be famous to me.) and it's good! he's horny as fuck, and ilya being bossy and a little mean is FUN.

BECAUSE he is operating under the idea of Other Ilya being under there, too.

like, okay, no missionary this time. straight to fucking him from behind. but that's okay! ilya did that last time, too, and then he curled up behind shane and snuggled him and kissed him after. he's not kissing shane's shoulders and checking in with him this time, but they're playing! and shane has more experience this time (one (1) time, but hey! counts!), so yeah. of course ilya would be more chill about not asking if he's okay every ten seconds.

but then?? it's over?? and ilya just?? immediately pulls out?? what?? that's not how this goes???

and then ilya sits NEXT to him on the bed?? but doesn't kiss him??? doesn't even??? look at him????

but they're not supposed to be playing anymore??? what happened here???

And Luca and the other rookies being like, oh you mean the Dad-Trifecta? it's the best thing that has ever happened to us.

You loose your skates or you need help with paperwork or you're just feeling kinda sad and need a dad hug - you go Bood. he will grill you some chicken and go speak to Coach for you. You call him or Cassie if you're sick and they will pick you up and deposit you on the floor with Milo and you are their baby now. I'm 23 years old but that's my dad tho

If you're having trouble with other players, or if you're in like, a crisis? Mama Bear Ilya, will 100% get arrested for any of us and/or pick you up from the middle of nowhere any time of night. You wanna ragebait other players? He has the perception of a God and can tell from one look when a players second wife will leave him. He can also tell when you're feeling like shit mentally and he will pick you up take you to Harris farm and make you dog walk with him while throwing sweets at you. Holmberg got high sticked the other week Ilya spent like, 2 hours going through the guys Instagram with us while wine drunk and ripping his entire life to pieces with us.