MADDY

now i know you’re reading this, so bare with me as i effortlessly describe the way your mere existence makes me feel. you see, i have never been much of a jealous person, until i met you. as time went on, i began to have the tendency to fall in love with everything about you. please don’t be alarmed by the word love, as i am not in love with you, but rather different aspects about you. god, i am in love with a lot of things. like the way you rest your head on your pillow when you become tired or the way your face looks on the other end of the screen or that little accent you have that you don’t think you have, but in reality you do. i have been filled with so much envy. i am jealous of the cups you drink out of, as they get to meet your soft lips everyday. i am jealous of your bed, as it holds you at night and makes you feel safe. i am jealous of your socks as they get to be with you every step of the way. i am jealous of the drugs that you consume because i am afraid that they’re the one thing that can make you feel higher than i will ever be able to. i am jealous of that big bad god in the sky, as he has the ability to know every single one of your feelings and thoughts. i have fallen in love with the way you exist. it’s probably nothing, but it feels like the world. and that’s why i am so scared.

march 30 dear future lover, i only know destruction. i was born into a faulty foundation. i watched my parents tear scars into each other’s hearts with their vocal cords every night. i watched their love crumble into nothing. forgive me if i try to blow your love apart. i have a hard time loving myself. so please reassure me of my beauty. if i even have any. thank you. i have the tendency to drown my sorrows in alcohol and blank pages. it helps drown out the demons. it makes me feel something. please let me be. as i am only trying to stay whole. i am very scared of affection. it makes me feel vulnerable. forgive me for not being the touchy person you want. but although i am a very unaffectionate and nervous person, that does not mean i won’t have hidden ‘i love you’s’ behind my tongue and i don’t think of your lips. because i will. and i do. i will push you away. i will want to punish myself and i will go days without showering for i don’t believe i deserve to be clean when my thoughts are so dirty. i will sleep for what seems a lifetime to avoid thinking. i have seen the darkness of this sad and bitter world, but please don’t be fooled. i will describe you in beautiful words, and i will write out those beautiful scenes on random envelopes, notes, my bedroom door, and even my skin. i like to see myself as someone who holds the world together but also tears it apart. so if i allow you to love me, please love me gently, but with fire. despite all of this, i will love you unconditionally. please do the same for me. i love you.

you know, it’s crazy. for the longest time i was so jealous of your cups, your bed, your socks, the drugs you consumed, and even god. some of the most simplistic things. although now, i have something new to be jealous of. something much more complex. her. i am no longer jealous of the cups you drink out of because now you’re sharing your drinks with her and your lips are touching hers. i am no longer jealous of your bed as for you’re intertwining your legs with hers and she’s the one who keeps you safe at night. i am no longer jealous of your socks because now she locks her soft hands with yours while walking through crowded places and is there with you every step of the way. i am no longer jealous of the drugs you consume because now you’re doing drugs with her, getting high, and even then she can still manage to make you feel higher than the drugs. i am no longer jealous of the god in the sky as for now she’s the one knowing all the integrate parts of you. you know, it’s crazy. now i’m dealing with something much more complicated.

- i love you

Scorpio rising // Soccer Mommy (x)

march 30 dear future lover, i only know destruction. i was born into a faulty foundation. i watched my parents tear scars into each other’s hearts with their vocal cords every night. i watched their love crumble into nothing. forgive me if i try to blow your love apart. i have a hard time loving myself. so please reassure me of my beauty. if i even have any. thank you. i have the tendency to drown my sorrows in alcohol and blank pages. it helps drown out the demons. it makes me feel something. please let me be. as i am only trying to stay whole. i am very scared of affection. it makes me feel vulnerable. forgive me for not being the touchy person you want. but although i am a very unaffectionate and nervous person, that does not mean i won’t have hidden ‘i love you’s’ behind my tongue and i don’t think of your lips. because i will. and i do. i will push you away. i will want to punish myself and i will go days without showering for i don’t believe i deserve to be clean when my thoughts are so dirty. i will sleep for what seems a lifetime to avoid thinking. i have seen the darkness of this sad and bitter world, but please don’t be fooled. i will describe you in beautiful words, and i will write out those beautiful scenes on random envelopes, notes, my bedroom door, and even my skin. i like to see myself as someone who holds the world together but also tears it apart. so if i allow you to love me, please love me gently, but with fire. despite all of this, i will love you unconditionally. please do the same for me. i love you.

Like a river flows surely to the sea, some things are meant to be.

You only get so many second chances Don’t waste a second second guessing Not everything’s always your fault Life’s not always simple You don’t have to hate yourself.