Madam Tania Birker

[FOLG - Fear of Letting Go]

One of the fears that most of us have is the act of letting go. Whether that is letting go of a relationship, career, house, possessions, or simply yourself. We all create our own suffering by creating attachment. Sometimes the attachment itself makes you temporarily happy. Because let’s be real, nothing last forever. 

Ever since I was a little girl I have always wanted to do things for myself. I was always that person. I knew who I was already before I even grew up. Most people still don’t know who they are even after they have become adults, and that’s because they never followed their heart. We live in a society that believes it should make the choices for you. But the reality is that you will never be happy if you don’t do what makes you happy. 

The past few months have been an emotional rollercoaster. And although I have shed many tears, I have also smiled many smiles. I’m blessed to be alive and well, and that’s the truth. I had recently read an article about one of the co-founders of my all time favorite festival Lightning in a Bottle. One of the co-founders basically had everything taken away from her from the other two co-founders who were brothers. It made me realize how shady the industry was. And regardless if I was one of the creators of something, it could be taken away from me. Money makes people do crazy things.  

Last month I came to the realization and acceptance that I didn’t want to be a CEO of a huge artist network. Although that is something I was very passionate about and have been working on for the past 8 years I have outgrown that dream. I finally admitted to myself that I really wanted to pursue to being a lifestyle vlogger. With my career now as an Artist Experience Director I have had so many opportunities to travel, meet new people, and constantly be surround by art and adventure! And I want to share this with the world!

Like everyone else, I was scared of failing. I was scared to really put myself out there doing what I love most just for the whole world to judge me. The past few days I have been traveling and directing an artist showcase for work. And in these past few days the universe has put so many people in my life that have shown me so much love and support even if I had just met them! I can literally feel all of the good energy. I’m at the point now where I find myself tearing up because I am so happy. And I’m grateful to be surrounded by positive people with good energy.

I can honestly say that I’m ready. I’m ready to leave behind the fear of letting go of the things that no longer serve me. This new journey of mine has already started, and I couldn’t be any happier. 

[ATTENTION GOES WHERE ENERGY FLOWS]

The most challenging part about thinking is being able to maintain the balance of controlling your thoughts. Humans have 50,000-70,000 thoughts a day. That’s a fucking shit load to control. We’re gonna have thoughts no matter what. But we have control over what thoughts we put more energy into.

If there is something we don’t want or like in our life then we should try harder to not focus on that. Otherwise, that’s what will become our reality. Instead try to focus on what you love and want in your life when you do have a negative thought. As positive as I try to be all day every day, I can admit that some days are harder than others. No ones perfect. Life isn’t perfect. So let’s all stop being so hard on ourselves. 

With social media and all of the fake ass FOMO out there, people have become more insecure than ever before. We are constantly comparing our lives to others. Constantly comparing our different relationships with people to others. Constantly comparing our success to others. How about we all just practice not giving a fuck. Easier said than done right?

I try to be happy instead of sulking in my own misery to be honest. The most recent epiphanies I had over the weekend put a lot of things into perspective. No matter what, people will be offended if you don’t include them in your life. This also means not telling them what’s really going on in your life or how you are really feeling. But the truth is do they even really give a fuck? Everyone is so caught up in their own lives, their opinions, their happiness, etc. We think that so many people are judging us all the time but the reality is that most people just don’t care. It’s in our nature to be selfish. But just remember that being selfish isn’t always a bad thing. If we don’t make choices that contribute to us being the best version of ourselves than how can we expect to contribute to the happiness of others?

Instead of focusing on my sadness, I need to let go of it by expressing it through art. It’s ironic because most of my greatest creations were inspired by heart ache. But now that I’m ridiculously head over heals in love with my twin flame aka soulmate my work is a bit different. It’s beautiful when love is the inspiration for your work. But heart ache is still also a form of love. My heart ache now comes from all of the friends and family that I have lost to death. I have been deeply emotional for the past 6 months and instead of filtering that feeling through art I chose to distance myself from the people I love because I was scared to let them see me hurting. 

Thanks to my wonderful and understanding Husband for letting me vent to him all the time. This past weekend we drove down to La Jolla along the Pacific Coast Highway. Driving along the coast has always been one of my favorite things to do. As he was driving I was venting to him about everything. I’m so thankful for his strength to tell me that I do need to express my feelings to people otherwise they’ll never know what I’m going through and therefore they will never understand. This was hard to swallow but I knew he was right. I get really scared to let people in my life because all of the people I loved most have always left me. But then again this goes back to what I choose to put my energy towards and I can’t put my energy into what I’m afraid of. I need to put more love and positive energy into what I want in my life and into my creativity. 

I’m grateful for being an artist.

I’m grateful for being able to feel real life. 

I’m grateful for being human. 

I’m grateful for not being perfect. 

[LIFE & DEATH]

It happens. It’s part of the balance of life. The thing people don’t talk about is how to let go, and move on. I’ve had so many friends of mine commit suicide, die of an overdose, have had a freak accidents, or the cause of death is still unknown. Never got the chance to get any closure. I’ve had family members pass away as well. My baby niece who wasn’t even born yet and my grandpa who died at a very old age. I’ve been dealing with death since I was just 12 years old. 

Growing up in my culture emotions were something that you hardly ever showed. It wasn’t acceptable to ever be emotional to be honest. The ironic thing was that I was the most emotional one in my whole family. As an emapath I can’t help but feel on a much more intense level than everyone else. I can also feel what everyone else is feeling as well. This helps me understand people’s true intentions and feelings about every situation when I’m around them. This is why it’s so hard for me to be fake. No matter how hard I try, I can’t fake the funk.

At a young age I had to learn to be resilient, strong, and independent. I didn’t have anyone besides my friends that I could vent to. But the one thing that always helped me in my life was writing. I always had a diary growing up and then later a blog when the internet was born. Writing was always my first love. Most of my writing was very depressing, but it was real. I rather be real over anything. And the truth is that a lot of people can’t handle that. People love acting the way they wish people would perceive them. I was never that person. I was born knowing who I was and always have been very proud of that.

When someone in my life passes away I have to limit myself to how hurt I allow myself to be. Because I have so many memories and photos it’s so easy for me to dwell in the moments. But to be strong for myself I have to just cry for a day and then move on. It’s sad to say that sometimes I don’t even have the strength to go to the funerals because it’s just too much for me. It’s hard for me to say goodbye because I’ve had to do it too many times in my life. A lot of people I get close to leave...

Although I have abandonment issues I have so much love to give. And that’s why it’s so hard for me to loose people I love because I care so much about them and I just want everyone to be happy. But not everyone wants that for themselves. I guess I’ve been strong for so long that I finally had my breaking point and didn’t even really realize it. I’m a workaholic and love everything about my career. And to keep myself occupied I keep busy. This is why I have so many projects that I indulge in. But I also begin to push people away. 

Because I feel so deeply it’s hard for people to see me hurting. People can tell when I’m not in my usual bubbly mood and it affects everyone because my energy is so intense. Even if I don’t tell people I’m hurting they can feel it. This is why when I’m hurting I have to distance myself from everyone because it hurts me just to see other people hurting from my energy. Every year I have been loosing multiple people in my life. And I’m getting to the point where it’s becoming more difficult to keep my shit together. 

I made one of the most important decisions of my life by focusing on what really makes me happy. I made the decision to be selfish and go on my solo path of life. Prioritizing my self happiness has brought me an abundance of unconditional love, adventure, self discovery, peace, acceptance, compassion, success, and pure happiness. For the last 6 months I have only been focusing on my well being; mind, body, and spirit. And although this journey has made my relationship with some people more distant it made my relationship with myself even stronger. 

Let’s be real, I can’t make other people happy unless I am happy. So the next time you’re being selfish and prideful not knowing why someone isn’t talking, seeing, or giving you any kind of attention anymore just remember to not take it personally. Everyone is entitled to exploring their self journey, and that may not include you. This doesn’t mean they love you any less or that you did anything wrong. It just means they’re doing what is best for them, right now. 

C O N F I D E N C E 

What makes you feel confident? A lot of people think they need to be highly educated, have experience, or the validation of other people to boost their confidence. But the reality is that you need to be able to build up your own confidence by believing in yourself. It’s normal to feel insecure when it comes to putting yourself in the spotlight. But confidence can be exuded in many different ways. 

Being confident does not mean you’re being cocky. Yes, you do have some ego when it comes to being confident but that doesn’t always have to be a negative thing. When you believe in yourself and when you are proud of your work it helps you do better. It helps encourage you to try harder next time or to even try something more challenging. 

EXPECTATION vs. REALITY

People forget that their expectations vs. their realities will always be different. To create expectation is to create disappointment. Rather than expecting anything at all, just live in the reality of it. For example, when you receive a gift from someone and they tell you to open it with excitement. There, they already are creating an expectation to how they think/want you to react to the gift they had just given you. 

The same goes for conversations, relationships, and just communication in general. I find people to be more and more needy for my attention, or for attention in general. The more technology social interactions we have the more people are demanding for that kind of attention. I understand if you haven’t seen a friend in a while and they miss you, and they constantly express this to you. But, I also understand that being busy isn’t an excuse. Rather, being busy can be a positive life experience. 

Personally, I have a lot of creative projects going on in my life that do take up most of my free time. I also have a younger niece and nephews that I spend my free time with because I am helping co-parent, and then I also need my alone time just to decompress from being so busy. I am also in a very loving and adventurous relationship where we co-create together. 

It’s hard for people to accept their ego’s being crushed when you don’t give them the attention they want from you. But the reality is that we have to be selfish in order to be happy. And sometimes being selfish means not having time for friends, family, etc. But the reality is that if this person really LOVED you they would understand your absence, your silence, your need to be on your grind. This doesn’t mean the relationship is over, rather it is respecting the other person’s life and their time they need to do what they need to do. 

I have lost a lot of people in my life the more I focus on what I really want in life. But then it just makes me realize that those people didn’t need to be in my life anymore now that my lifestyle is constantly changing. Change doesn’t always have to be a negative thing. It’s actually very positive because if you want to learn to fly you need to let go of the things or people that weigh you down. 

Sometimes it’s not really that case though. Sometimes people just miss you and that’s okay. But it’s also okay to not feel bad for not having spent so much time with these people when you are working on personal goals you have, spiritually grounding yourself, and just practicing self compassion. We’re all here for different reasons. We all have different things that make us happy, and that’s good. But if people are willing to be upset at you for living your life then you shouldn’t feel bad about it at all. 

[F O C U S]

It’s so easy to get caught up in everything that everyone else is doing. It’s easy to get distracted by what you don’t like. And it’s easy to loose focus on what you do want and love in your life. When you want something so badly, you create fear of loss. No one wants to loose what they love. We all have our insecurities. And we all strive to have a better life for the most part. 

With all the different ways to stay socially connected through media, we spend hours indulging in the viral videos, articles, memes, photos, and even just messaging. The need for the internet has created the fear of missing out. We are all so addicted to being connected with everything at the same time. Rather than living in the moment, we choose to live in other people’s moments. We find ourselves needing to know what is going on in other people’s lives. It’s almost like the internet is one giant gossip reality show. 

We find ourselves comparing our lives to the lives of others. We start to loose focus of what really makes us happy by replacing it with trying to please others. We are raised to believe that we need to strive to make others happy. We are constantly battling against what we truly want, and instead try to make those around us happy. The reality is that you’ll never be happy trying to make other’s happy. You have to learn to be selfish, to follow your own path, to write your own story, and to give your life meaning. 

We are all different for a reason. We were not born to be what our parents want us to be. We are born to be who we are meant to be. We are alive to create our own happiness. We have to learn to trust in ourselves. We have to believe that our dreams are meant to happen. We have to reflect what we want. We have to create good intentions. We have to trust that we CAN and WILL do it!

"The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed." ______Jiddu Krishnamurti ૐ♡☮

Hello Universe, 

I don’t even know who really reads my blog posts, but I love writing. It helps me get some thoughts out of my mind and out to the world. I forgot to mention that my twin flame Daniel and I got married this past July 17th on our 3rd year anniversary! I always forget how much getting married is a shocker to a lot of people considering we are the generation with the divorced parents. It’s rare to come across parents that are still together. But then again, a lot of our parents got married for all the wrong reasons. Or because they were so suppressed growing up that they didn’t get the chance to date around much or really get into a relationship with someone who really believed in their hopes and dreams.

I’m sure there are still lots of people that still get married for the wrong reasons today. But the beautiful thing is true love is something that is undeniable. People can feel it more than they can see it. And it feels even more like a blessing when everyone you know is genuinely happy that you have true love in your life. Let’s all be real, LOVE is scary as fuck. We’re all scared to love because we’re all scared to be hurt.

We all have our fair share of different experiences when it comes to love. There are so many different levels of it. And there are so many different kinds of it. I still till this day meet so many people who are cynical about love. Who don’t believe in marriage. Who will argue that marriage is just a piece of paper. Besides the legality of it, marriage is actually whatever you want it to be. 

We are here on this earth to create our own happiness. You are the author of your own book of life, so write it however you please. If you don’t need a certificate to legally identify your relationship then don’t get one. Relationships are never easy.  But if everything was easy we would never appreciate it or value it for what it is. 

The art of listening.

The life lessons I have been learning a lot lately is that people just want someone that will listen to them. Everyone has something to say. Everyone has their battles. But just because someone shares their struggles with you doesn’t mean that you need to help fight their battle. The best you can do for yourself is to listen, but not to get involved. 

Being grateful is the best thing anyone can do for themselves. We all face many different adversities, as the Universe made it that way. Everything that happens to us is a lesson to be learned. And what we all have learned time and time again is that we’re all different learners. What may work for me may not work for others, and that is okay. 

The most challenging thing is listening to someone’s struggles and being able to not let that affect you. And by this I mean not taking in their energy. You can still be there to be a rock for someone but that doesn’t mean that you now have to feel the same way they do. People will always talk. People will always have their opinions. Most of the time we are always looking to others for the answers. The simple fact is that even if someone else did have the answers for you, you’re still going to want to figure them out for yourself anyway.

I can honestly say that I have overcome many trials in this life time. And each one has made me even stronger. I can’t deny the fact that they were all meant to happen, whether I wanted them to or not. Even with the different things that are happening around me now, are all meant to happen. I have to learn to not have to question everything, but rather look deep into myself to figure out what I really want and need. I need to know for myself what makes me happy at the end of the day. I am the only one in charge of my attitude. I can choose to be strong or I can choose to be weak. 

Overthinking always leads to negativity. I’m learning to over do nowadays rather than over think. It’s easy to have a lazy mentality when all we want to do is relax after a long day of work. But when we think about how fortunate we are to even have a job, it makes us less tired. Rather than looking at all the little details, we need to see the bigger picture here. Sometimes when things seem to not work in our favor we get defensive, and feel entitled to what satisfies our needs. 

“Expectation is the root of all heartache.” ____William Shakespeare //

We live in a world full of expectations. People feel entitled for you to always be available when they want you to be. We give each other titles and hold people to these false standards of what they define your relationship to them should be. People who really love you understand and accept your absence. As we get older we have less time for each other because we work more and we get tired just like every other human being.

We have a lot to deal with in this life. And people have their rights to their privacy. You’re never going to know how someone really feels or what someone really needs for themselves unless they tell you. But the fact is they don’t need to. Why are we constantly having to exhaust ourselves for attention of others or even trying to explain that we just need time to ourselves. I have so many best friends that I go weeks without talking to them. That doesn’t mean I love them any less or that I don’t think of them often, it just means I’m really busy and the time that I do have for myself I need to spend on taking care of myself.

We live in a world where people are so quick to play the victims to their own lives or who are so quick to keep giving their time to other people, when really you need to learn to be selfish and take time to get yourself together. Take time to relax and actually enjoy feeling good rather than being tired from doing too much. Wouldn’t you rather be around someone who is energized and in a good place in their life rather than see someone all the time who is just always tired? Don’t continue to live your life always pleasing other people. I’ve had many friends that I simply just don’t keep up with anymore because they’re too selfish and immature to understand that REAL LIFE happens. And that I have real things to deal with besides hey I didn’t see you out this weekend.

Some people just love to be public with their problems. But really sometimes life just get’s emotionally exhausting, and it is perfectly fine to be a hermit and deal with it. This doesn’t mean you’re in a bad head space. It actually means you’re in a good place because you’re actually taking the time to deal with it. We also live in a world where everyone takes things way too personally. They are so selfish to think that everything has to do with them when in reality it doesn’t. This is where the entitlement attitude comes into play. These people think that they are entitled to their feelings and the way people treat them. They are spoiled when it comes to always needing attention, they are even desperate at times.

“CLOUDS” _____IMAGINED HERBAL FLOWS

E P I P H A N I E S 

How often do you sit with your thoughts? How often do you try and find the deepest reason for why you have certain thoughts? How often does that reason turn into a realization? We are constantly feeling entitled to the way we feel rather than acknowledging the reasons why we feel that way to begin with. We have thousands of thoughts a day subconsciously. But it's not until we open our mind that we have to filter through these thoughts. Which ones are worth keeping? Which ones do we need to let go of? Which ones are helping us evolve into the best version of ourselves? When we give attention to these thoughts we are able to let them help us learn more about ourselves or we can build the strength to let them go. 

With every thought, feeling, and action we must ask ourselves what our deepest intentions are. If we don't allow our epiphanies to help us grow into the best version of ourselves then we'll be stuck in the same place until we choose to grow. Don't let the words of other people get inside your head. Don't let their words affect you in any negative way. But also be open to allowing other peoples words uplift and inspire you. We're all here to share our story, but more importantly we're all here to coexist. 

M I N D F U L N E S S 

Words, they’re a power thing. I have been learning a lot lately to be more mindful of my thoughts, words, and actions. We get so caught up in our opinions about everything that we forget to be better at just keeping those opinions to ourselves. Most of the time it’s actually better to be silent about something then always having to talk about it. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a timid women who never speaks her mind. If anything, it’s actually the complete opposite. I have to admit that I have gotten much better at not always having to speak my mind. But we’re living in a word where we are constantly writing and reading the opinions of others. That’s what I need to work on most. I don’t always have to be active in the world of interwebz all the time. I shamelessly am addicted to the internet. The fact that you are “live” on the internet. How every action is a reaction online. 

I’m constantly updating myself with everything that is going on with everything and everyone. There is no sense of privacy anymore. Who really has privacy anymore? Why are we all so obsessed with sharing our lives with one another? For some of us it could be because we love having other people be part of our lives, part of our happiness. For others it’s just for show. The internet is just a public forum for people to brag about their lives. It’s for so many people to pretend that they are really happy or really enjoying the moment that they are posting about. Bottom line is that people are addicted to the attention, any attention.

The internet is addicting. Being in this constant loop of familiarity and “knowing” is what is addicting. I’ve taken breaks from the internet world, but because of work I always have to be on it. I’m focusing more of my energy on just using these social media forums more as a tool rather than entertainment. I’m learning to be more mindful. I’m learning that I don’t always have to voice my opinion. And if I’m going to it should just always be positive. This is how we keep the balance of life. Always focus on the positives and being able to see the light in ever situation, no matter how bad it makes you feel. 

The more energy you give to something you don’t want, the more you get of it. If people don’t like who you are or what you believe in then who cares. Don’t waste your energy by feeding their opinions. Rather accept it, and move forward. We can’t be too hard on ourselves because life will never be perfect, and why should it be? The more compassionate we are with ourselves, the easier it will be for us to forgive ourselves and forgive other people. 

MAKE EVERY SECOND COUNT.

My life has changed drastically within the last 3 weeks. When I was out of work for a week due to my foot injury, I just focused on whatever I wanted to do which was meditate, set my intentions, and I did all things creative. The Universe heard me and I was able to manifest my DREAM JOB into my life! After a 3 week long process of interviews, I finally got my career of being a Showcase Director for RAW Artists. For those of you who don’t know anything about RAW, it is the largest international indie arts organization. I scout artists and curate showcases that are like a mini one night festival of 70 artists (music, performing arts, hair and make up, fashion, photographers, visual artists, and film). 

The best decision I ever made was quitting my management job for a retail company. Yeah I had some fun there and I got to help out a lot of people with their personal sexual problems, but the energy there was draining. I always had to deal with people harassing me, degrading me, and not to mention I made the company around $600,000 in the last two years and I definitely didn’t get paid anything close to that. The political structure that I had to work in was just not my forte. Things were constantly changing and not in a good way. I finally got out. I’m glad I left for the best reason ever and that I didn’t just leave because I wasn’t able to grow anymore there. 

“If you want to learn to fly, you need to let go of the things that weigh you down.”

I finally let go of what was weighing me down and I opened my wings and just flew. I have way too many wonderful things to say about the organization that I work for now. First off, I’m FINALLY appreciated for all of my creative talents. And not just that but I work with a bunch of other artists that have the same work ethic as I do, and the same types of motivation. Everyone at my new job is inspiring to say the least. And everyone is very humble and helpful. We actually work together as a team. I love that my CEO’s desk isn’t that far away from mines. I love that my work is finally being recognized. And the best part is that I’m working for a movement that is actually helping change the world in a positive way. 

I have so much to be grateful and happy for. Also this career is finally more than anything I could ever ask for. I finally have a salary career and I get to travel. It’s literally my DREAM JOB. And for those of you who are struggling with your day to day life because you want to do so much more with your life, I say fuck it and do it! This was seriously the BEST decision I ever made for myself. Stop working for people who could care less about you. And stop working in environments that aren’t good for your spirit. 

A DREAM IS A WISH YOUR HEART MAKES.

Everyday I have been making it my priority to set aside time to meditate and manifest. I have been my biggest inspiration. I learned to stop looking outside of myself for the answers and just create them within myself. I am breaking the habit of observing and began creating. I am happy because I am focusing on being grateful for everything. I feel deeply connected with the Universe and myself. I am learning to accept rather than judge. I am learning to listen more instead of speaking. I am learning to receive. I am learning to practice more self compassion. 

When you really want something in life, the key is to not worry. The key is to actually let go. Everything that is meant to be happens effortlessly if you allow it to happen. Life is all about figuring out what you truly and deeply want out of this life. You must trust the Universe to let it happen. Believing in yourself is the most important thing you can do for yourself. Do whatever you love because life doesn’t last forever. Life isn’t about money, status, or material possessions. Life is about what you create. Life is about spending every moment alive being around people you love, exploring things you want to see, and just focusing on what really makes you happy. 

PROJECTOR

It is important to be aware of what our unconscious truly desires. We are so distracted by money, status, everyone else’s lives, and always critiquing ourselves. The Universe is always trying to shine light on what we need to remember to focus on, and what we truly want in this life. Earlier this week I had to go to the podiatrist to figure out why my right foot was in so much pain. Because I have to wear dress boots to work everyday I’m not really getting the support that I need on the bottom of my arch. The doctor said I had plantar fasciitis and that I should stay off my feet as much as I could for the rest of the week. So I had to call out of work this week to put my health first. 

I know that when physical challenges arise, that the Universe is really trying to show me something. For the first time in forever I was forced to stay home and focus on healing myself. This meant not having to think about work. With work out of my mind I begun to really dig deep inside. What else would I be doing since I don’t have to work this week? 

I’ve been meditating every morning. I updated my photography blog with photos I took at the new Wizarding World of Harry Potter at the Universal Studios in Hollywood. I just sat and listened to music. I took my sweet time with everything I did. I got crafty and made the invitations for my bachelorette party. I went outside and took some photos. I started painting a wooden table that my mom found for my niece and nephews. I'm getting involved in this non-profit organization that my friend is putting together. Getting back into artist management and social media marketing. And the list goes on.

Last week I went to my friend’s house warming party. In Long Beach if you have a house that you can have live bands playing at that is a gem. There were instruments set up and people just played throughout the night. My fiance is actually in a band with our friend and practices there every weekend. But the fact that we were surrounded by friends who were all artists in that house reminded me of how blessed I was. I have so  many creative people in my life. Just being around that was inspiring. Being with them allowed me to step back from my busy work life to see what really meant the most to me. 

Creating is my life. And I have to remind myself of that every day. I got so lost in the hustle of making money that I forgot to feed my soul. I am an artist first. I am here to create and to express myself. I am here. I have lost so many talented friends to death. And the lesson I learned from each of them is to never stop creating. No matter how hard things get or how tired I am, I need to keep on creating. Till the very end. I need to let go of the distractions at work and really focus on my intention in life. The most important reason why I am here right now, is to love.