Part 1: https://madamporhead.tumblr.com/post/619894154785341440

So ayun nga, naging mej messy ang mundo ko nung nagdaang 2 years. Napapaisip nalang talaga ako paano ko kinaya.

I’d like to highlight here my lovelife, which became a great factor of my daily life. Char! De, kasi grabe, hinayaan ko yung sarili kong mag endure. For almost 3 years, nag invest ako sa taong sasayangin rin pala lahat. Sobrang bullshit lang na sinabi mismo sakin na hindi daw ganun kalalim yung pagmamahal niya sakin. Like? Putangina paano tumagal yung relationship kung ganon? Pero ganun pala talaga, if people aren’t happy with you, aren’t contented with you, hindi talaga magrereflect sa words and actions yun. Sobrang traumatic nung mga nangyari. Mali ko rin naman though, I gave my all. Nalimutan ko magtira sa sarili. I was perceived as toxic and manipulative, in a sense na lagi nalang kasing hindi nagkakasundo lagi nang nag-aaway nalang. Nasira na rin yung trust. Ang sakit din kapag nakakayanan ka ng karelasyon mo na tiisin, kagalitan, pagtaasan ng boses, murahin. Ending, nagiging ganun rin ako. Sobrang nakita ko rin yung worst version ko. Naging ako yung klase ng tao na hindi ko naman gustong maging ako.

When that relationship ended, wala ako no’n sinisisi kundi sarili ko. Kung sana mas naging pasensyosa ako. Kung sana mas naging maintindihin pa ako. Kung sana nagtiwala pa ako. Kaya lang, sinong hindi mawawalan ng patience, understanding, and trust, kung paulit-ulit ka namang ginagago? Everything became dull and lifeless. I tried my very best to keep it working kaya lang pag ayaw na pala talaga sayo, ayaw na talaga eh. Mas kinasama pa ng loob ko eh ang pangit nung way ng pagtapos. Patapos na lang nga yung relasyon, ang basura pa nung treatment. Tangina, di ‘ba? Malupit pa do’n hiningi mo buong katotohanan lahat lahat pero hanggang dulo naglihim pa rin at sa ibang tao ko pa nalaman. Sobra akong nasira physically, mentally, and emotionally. I lost a lot of weight. Hindi ako kumakausap ng ibang tao sa bahay. Gabi-gabi ang daming tumatakbo sa isip ko. Hay, pag naaalala ko lang din, naaawa ako sa sarili ko na pinagdaanan yung ganung sitwasyon.

A month later (speed lang), I met a guy man. Schoolmate ko rin kaso senior na. Hahaha sugar daddy, charot! Engineering student. Inaasar pa ako ng friends kong tirador daw ako ng engg, kasi engg yung ex ko argh hahaha! Anyways, ayun. At first syempre wala naman akong plan makipag landian pa kasi jusko ha ang lala ng pinagdaanan ko masyado pang fresh. Pero kinaibigan niya ako and he gave me a lot of lessons in life. Tinulungan niya ako mabago yung perspective ko, yung mindset ko, yung attitude ko. Pinakita niya sakin yung halaga ng sarili. Kung gaano kahalagang maging priority ang sarili. Although siya rin, nakilala ko ng in the process of healing. He told me everything na pinagdaanan niya and I can say na grabe rin talaga. Ang traumatic din. So basically, pareho kaming traumatized kaya pareho kaming careful sa isa’t isa. Well, cliché but yes we fell in love with each other. At first nakakakaba kasi ang bilis ng phasing and baka another ano nanaman ‘to, but I was wrong. I really found my safe haven in him. Finally, nakakilala ako ng taong kaparehong kapareho ko magmahal. You might say na nako lahat naman yan sa umpisa lang, sinabi ko rin sa sarili ko yun. Ang dami kong uncertainties pa nung una kaya ayoko pa sana muna. Mahirap na. Pero what we have is something na hindi namin pinilit yet hindi rin namin pinigilan. We remained like that for 3 months rin. Insecure pa ako nun kasi baka i-ghost niya ako mga dzai omaygad. Buti nalang hindi kundi ginawa ko siyang famous sa freedom wall haha jk!

We became official during Paskuhan 2019, he asked me in the middle of the crowd, while Ben&Ben is on stage singing “Pagtingin”. May sentimental value yung song na yun nung nagsisimula palang kami and I was shocked nung dun niya ako tinanong. Nagulat pa ako kasi grabe buong act ng Ben&Ben, umiiyak kaming dalawa magkayakap. Buhos luha talaga bawat kanta eh. And all the emotions poured out when they sang Ride Home. Kasi after everything we’ve been through in our pasts, we’re here together, already found home in each other’s arms. It is truly the most mahiwaga night of my life. Ngayon mas naging iba na yung impact ng Ben&Ben samin kasi besides na isa sila sa mga favorite local bands ko (who doesn’t?!?!), ayun nga naging mas meaningful pa because of Raven. He was indeed Godsent. And yes, he turned every Ben&Ben song our song. We’re almost a half a year now and I can say that I’m really grateful each and everyday of my life with him. He was very patient with me while I work on healing myself. Yes I still had worried and traumas but he really helped me to overcome. Nahanap ko na yung alagang hinahanap ko noon. Yung ugali ng lalaki na ninanais ko. Yung personality na sobrang healthy. Narealize ko na pwede naman pala yung ganito, yung hindi mo pinipilit yung pagmamahal. Hindi mo kailangan mag beg, hindi mo kailangang sobra sobrang mag effort para lang mahalin ka. Pwede naman palang makatanggap ng sobra at totoong pagmamahal nang tanggap ka rin buong ikaw at willing makipag tulungan sa’yo in dealing with everything, lalo na yung relationship na pareho niyong binuo at pareho niyo rin dinadala magkasama. Ang saya ko lang rin kasi tinulungan niya ako sa self growth ko, because of his love, i was able to see how important individuality is even when you’re in a relationship. In that way, kahit nasa relationship ka, hindi mo madedepend sa kanya yung happiness mo. It’s very necessary to start everything within yourself and everything else will follow. Few lang ‘to sa natuturo at nabigay niya sakin. I’m really thankful that I can see the changes in myself now, I can see the growth, I can see my worth, crystal clear.

Hi! It’s been 2 years since naging inactive ako sa Tumblr. Sometimes inaattempt kong bumalik, konting scroll lang ganun, pero sobrang naging busy in dealing with my personal life. So, here’s what happened 2 years ago...

Dati, dito ako sa Tumblr nagve-vent out. Dito ako madalas magdrama and maglabas ng real emotions ko. Ironic nga na yung mga bloggers din dito eh hindi ko naman personally kilala. Mas totoo pa ako dito compared sa mga taong kasama or nakakausap ko in real life. Yung last post ko pa before I go hiatus, malungkot pa ako. Sobrang lost ko pa, I’m dealing with existential crisis every now and then. The past two years were the most struggling years of my life so far. As a teenager, a college student, an eldest sister, and a daughter, it was very challenging for me to balance such aspects in life.

Nagstruggle ako during my freshman year in college. New people, new university, new culture. Medtech kasi ako, yung friend ko napunta sa ibang section. Yung iba kong friends, nasa engineering. So basically, hindi ako nagkaron ng consistent friends sa blockmates ko at first. Di naman ako masyadong nagpaka-loner of course may mga nakasama rin naman ako nun pero nasanay kasi ako sa high school and SHS na buong class friends mo, buong class ka-vibes mo. So I tried if magwowork ba kapag nag explore ako among them and nakisama ako sa kanilang lahat. Kaso in college pala hindi pala ganun. It’s better to have true people kahit small group lang kesa buong class pinapakisamahan mo pero hindi ka sure kung sino totoo. Pero later on naman, around 2nd sem na mej nakakapag adjust na ako. Second year came and narealize kong mas comfortable na rin akong kasama yung OG friends na nakasama ko nung 1st day. Naging open naman ako sa kanila about it and I’m so glad that I have them. They helped me cope up with the academic stress and everything. Aside from my college social life, nagstruggle din ako with acads kasi we had this 2.0 maintaining grade. Syempre sino ba namang gustong ma-debar, hello. Hahaha! Ilang gabi ng iyakan yun and no-sleep days. Somehow, pumapalag pa naman.

All throughout those years, I also suffered from a toxic romantic relationship. That relationship lasted for almost 3 years and the last year was kind of self-destructing for me emotionally. I tried all possible ways to make it working but I didn’t know I’m just the only one who wanted that relationship to go on. Handling him and my studies had me to the point that I cannot balance them. Both stressors usually cause me to breakdown every night. Around May 2019 nagkakalabuan na, nasa brink of breaking up na talaga. 2 months after, we finally broke up. That break up didn’t go well, until now we are not in good terms. Sobrang daming shit eh, as in napaniwala ako na ako yung mali? Na ako yung nagkukulang and all. Pero alam mo yun, alam kong may mali ako pero sab inga nila diba bakit ka mageexpect ng something na hindi mo binibigay dun sa tao? I mean, gusto mo siyang maging masiyahin and maging healthy inside and out, pero deserve ba niya yung attitude na binibigay mo sa kanya? Di ba? And that relationship, sobrang daming cheating na nangyari, in any form. Like tangina bakit ba kung sino yung mga pangit sila pa may kapal ng mukha manggago. It made me questioned my worth. Para bang hindi naging enough lahat, na parang never ako naging enough. It caused me too much emotional pain and it was hard for me to just forgive and forget.

I had to handle things alone. I may have other friends like my childhood best friends and senior high school friends, pero hindi ko na sila inabala pa kasi alam ko namang busy rin sila sa mga kanilang personal na buhay. But it was hard trying to focus on my studies while having internal distractions. I really tried to concentrate but there are times that I can’t find the motivation on things I must do. I had no one to rely on. And even though I wanted to tell my mom that I am struggling in school, with friends, and with my love life, I couldn’t tell her because aside from she’s busy at work, I’m worried she might just get mad at me and will not even listen to my sentiments. But one night, when I had the chance to tell my mom about everything that has been going on in my life, her only advice was for me to pray. Keep praying for peace of mind, courage, and healing.

Sabi nga ng bestfriend ko, may purpose ang lahat ng bagay. So I surrendered my worries and anxieties to Him. I asked for His help to cleanse my mind and heart. I asked for courage to be stronger for myself and for wisdom to choose the people I must surround myself with. Right before the semester ended, I was able to cope up little by little with school and I have established a constant support system among my friends, finally. I already know who and what to prioritize in life. I realized that for myself to be called strong does not necessarily mean I must detach myself and handle things just on my own. Most importantly, I was able to learn that my own happiness should not depend on others, that I should know how to be happy on my own. And being happy includes not settling for less and just having strong faith to win your battles in life, may it big or small.

Unang una sa lahat, do not degrade one another. Do not compare your tracks and strands. Kung di man maiiwasan na may masabi sa inyo, wag niyo na papatulan. Maturity ang kailangan sa senior high, sa lahat ng aspeto. Di na uubra ang pabebe.

For STEM students, na-experience namin na ma-stereotype na pag STEM ka kailangan magaling ka, matalino, perfectionists, focused, in short mataas expectations. As what I said, wag magcocompare. Pantay-pantay lahat ng strands, walang magaling na strand walang bobong strand. Lalong wag lalaki ang ulo.

Nung Grade 10 ako naalala ko, lagi kong naririnig na mahirap ang STEM, duduguin ka sa Science and Math, pang matatalino lang, ganun. Partially totoong mahirap, well lahat talaga mahirap di lang STEM, pero guysssss nasa sainyo na yun how you would handle it. Actually dapat ABM kukunin ko. Pero nung enrollment day ko na, as in bigla lang talagang pumasok sa isip ko habang nagfifill up ng form, what if mag STEM ako? Medyo nag alangan din ako kasi napaisip rin ako if kakayanin ko ba ganun. And guess what? I made the best choice in my life (so far). Hindi ako nagsisi na nagSTEM ako. Siguro kung nag ABM ako nagkanda bagsak bagsak na ko kase pota Entrep palang dai nabaliw na ‘ko. Hindi talaga Engineering yung E sa STEM, Entrep talaga siya. HAHAHAHAHA charot lang.