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today i saw myself reading what me from 4 years ago wrote for posterity, and the same tears from yesterday’s, from last months, last 4 or 7 years ago stills streams down salty as ever.

there’s so much in that notebook that would make my parents so sad and i hope they’ll never read that (but i also hope they will, i still need help).

what pains me the most it’s these paragraphs. – “lately i’ve been thinking so much about death. i don’t know if i’ll be here to live my 20s or 21. i can’t see a future and something tells that next year will be my last year.” – august 18th, 2014

– “i’m the worst. sorry. i hope to be with you until the next world cup, but forgive me if i’m not.” – august 18th, 2014

– “when i die everybody will be sad but i’m sure nobody gonna miss me and everything will go back to normal.” – august 18th, 2014

– “hurts to think that death it’s a great option” – september 4th, 2014

– “i still don’t know how to live and day by day i feel like death it’s coming my way. will it invite for a last coffee cup or do i have to invite it?” – march 10th, 2015

i have to confess that i tried to suicide, but as you can see i’m still here.

and today it’s my 22nd birthday. i still think the same. i still think like my 18s-self that was deep in depression or my 15s-self that was living with depression for the first time. i still ask myself why i’m still here, why keep on living or just why. i’ll never have those answers, but i tried my best to survive.

now i have a beginner career to risk myself and that it’s already enough to keep me alive. that makes me so happy and if someday i’ll be able to make that what i live for, my money maker, i’ll be the happiest.

i’m just sharing this here cause i know nobody’s gonna read this. it is just for me of 3 or 4 years ahead reads this and compares to who i am in that present. i’ll hope nothing to my future because life it’s just a empty hope, but all i can say for now it’s that i’m glad i’m alive for now.