just playin' around with some filters and old selfies :) (follow me on instagram ♥)

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@lynray
just playin' around with some filters and old selfies :) (follow me on instagram ♥)

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old but gold ✨ (follow me on instagram ♥)
random selfies at random times (follow me on instagram!) ♥
i was just feeling like posting some old selfies you know (follow me on instagram!) ♥

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i have this old notebook which i used to write about my deepest thoughts. i wrote about my inner demons, my dark depression and suicidal plans. it was 4 years ago when i was 18.
today i saw myself reading what me from 4 years ago wrote for posterity, and the same tears from yesterday’s, from last months, last 4 or 7 years ago stills streams down salty as ever.
there’s so much in that notebook that would make my parents so sad and i hope they’ll never read that (but i also hope they will, i still need help).
what pains me the most it’s these paragraphs. – “lately i’ve been thinking so much about death. i don’t know if i’ll be here to live my 20s or 21. i can’t see a future and something tells that next year will be my last year.” – august 18th, 2014
– “i’m the worst. sorry. i hope to be with you until the next world cup, but forgive me if i’m not.” – august 18th, 2014
– “when i die everybody will be sad but i’m sure nobody gonna miss me and everything will go back to normal.” – august 18th, 2014
– “hurts to think that death it’s a great option” – september 4th, 2014
– “i still don’t know how to live and day by day i feel like death it’s coming my way. will it invite for a last coffee cup or do i have to invite it?” – march 10th, 2015
i have to confess that i tried to suicide, but as you can see i’m still here.
and today it’s my 22nd birthday. i still think the same. i still think like my 18s-self that was deep in depression or my 15s-self that was living with depression for the first time. i still ask myself why i’m still here, why keep on living or just why. i’ll never have those answers, but i tried my best to survive.
now i have a beginner career to risk myself and that it’s already enough to keep me alive. that makes me so happy and if someday i’ll be able to make that what i live for, my money maker, i’ll be the happiest.
i’m just sharing this here cause i know nobody’s gonna read this. it is just for me of 3 or 4 years ahead reads this and compares to who i am in that present. i’ll hope nothing to my future because life it’s just a empty hope, but all i can say for now it’s that i’m glad i’m alive for now.
english it's not my native language but i feel the need to share this; even if you are in so much pain and sadness just be glad to be alive. there's someone who loves you and look up to you. learn how to love yourself before anyone else. learn how your pain makes you strong, and don't give up! you gonna make yourself proud❤

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Goodbye angel
this post is for anyone who feels a little lost right now. maybe you don’t know what your path in life is yet. maybe you hate your job. maybe you’re still in school and you’ve changed your major three times. maybe you’re confused about what it is that you want. maybe you know exactly what you want but have no idea how to get it.
you will figure it out. you are not dead yet. you are going to figure your shit out. i believe in you.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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hot vs cute yook sungjae @ summer spark party
when guy sits next to me on the bus: im gonna die im gonna die im gonna die when girl sets next to me: she trusts me i feel safe and this is a great day