Love You More Than Words

He decides to just let it happen, resigns to let this pass like it usually does. The eeriness is all in his head. He went to sleep alone and once he properly wakes up, he will still be alone. Nothing his mind conjures up right now is real. It's just a seemingly necessary part of this annoying process.

Then, his phone rings, loud enough to make his heart pang. His eyelids are heavy as he tries to open his eyes, and his fingers feel like they have tight rubber bands around them, just barely moveable.

The phone rings again, Toji's frustration continuing to fester at his inability to move, fluidly. Progress is being made, but it seems nonexistent due to the time limit he has to answer the call creeping up on him.

The phone rings a third time. Toji slowly gets more control over his body. He can move his feet, and stretch his hands, now. His eyes are open, blinking away the heaviness.

By the fifth ring, he's turning onto his side and reaching for the device. Your contact is displayed on the screen, the picture of you bringing back some of the peace he felt when he was actually sleeping.

"Baby?" He answers, before you get sent to voicemail.

"Hi, Toji," you respond, softly, like you were asleep too. "Were you sleeping?"

"Mm... something like that," he says, willing his shaky hands to still, even after he regained his ability to move. "I woke up a few minutes ago and got trapped in that... sleep paralysis crap for a bit."

"I'm sorry. I hate when that happens to me. I don't understand why it's a thing to begin with," you say. You've researched this experience plenty, after being left startled by it way too many times.

"Bodies and brains are weird," Toji responds, smiling at the sound of your quiet, agreeing laugh. "So, what's up, baby? Why aren't you sleeping?"

You hum, the way you always do when you want to tell him something but don't have the words properly formulated. "Well, I woke up and I was thinking... You know how tomorrow is Valentine's Day?"

"Mhm. What about it?"

His gift for you is sitting on the top shelf of his closet. It's been hidden for a while now, because while he does love giving you gifts, he also loves when you sleep over, and he can't just leave your gift out in the open if it's meant to be a surprise. He figures you're not going to be snooping around his closet, so what better place to hide something so important?

"I wanted to know if you'd be my Valentine?"

There is a pause. Just a few seconds, but enough to make you believe that the call may have dropped.

"Toji?" You call, checking to see if he's still there.

"You're asking me to be your Valentine?" He says, a tinge of amusement in his tone. "At... two thirteen in the morning?"

"It's stupid," you say, your voice lighter, as if you're trying to brush it off and discard of whatever plan you had for this call. "It's so stupid. I just woke up and thought of you- I'm so sorry I called. I'll let you go so you can get back to sleep."

"Don't go, doll. I'm not mad about it. You have to know that if there's any voice I wanna hear this early in the morning, it's yours. Alright?" He says, ensuring that you don't get consumed by unnecessary guilt.

"Okay," you agree, smiling. "I just wanted to ask, anyway."

"Yes, I will be your Valentine, but you have to tell me what that entails—you know how cautious I am, and you, my girl, can be the most dangerous thing in the world," Toji murmurs, a little smirk growing on his face at the sound of your giggles.

"Um, let's see... I'll give you a kiss."

Toji laughs on the other end. "Just one?"

"Lots. As many as you want. There is no limit or expiration date for what I give you."

"Sounds good to me. Tell me more."

You hum, again. The things that pop up in your head are things that are a given. He must know these things already, as your love.

"You get unlimited hugs and warm meals. And I'll be your weighted blanket more often when we sleep together. I'll play with your hair if you want me to."

"Mmm..." Toji groans, vividly picturing all of it. Your head on his chest as you both doze off, your tight embraces that leave him smelling just a little bit like you, the loving look on your face as you give him a plate of food you made, and the way his body overly relaxes when his head is in your lap and your hands are in his hair.

"Okay," he says, encouraging. "Love it. Go on."

Giggles escape you at his enthusiasm, a soft smile settling on your face. "The biggest perk to being my Valentine—I think—is that I'll love you forever."

The fact makes Toji's heart beat faster. He knows this. The way you look at him says everything you struggle to say sometimes. It's the twinkle in your eyes and that smile that doesn't lie. It's the things you do, like calling him at two in the morning because you were thinking of him. You love him, and Toji couldn't deny for the life of him that he knows it.

"Yeah?" Toji says, a dazed little grin on his face.

"You already know that, though. Right?"

He hums, like he's remembering the way you verbally say it. The softness in your tone, the excitement, the fear and anxiety that stills finds its place at times. It's something you feel so strongly, but you say it to him like it's the most fragile offering. Like you're saying, "For you. Please don't break it."

"Of course, I do. It's one of my favorite things to hear from you." He sighs, longingly. "Bet it sounds just as good now... even if your voice is a little softer 'cause you're sleepy."

The way he set up his request is silly, but you get the hint.

"I love you, Toji," you say, smiling to yourself.

"Yeah, baby?" He responds, with a soft chuckle.

"Love you so much," you add.

"Mhm?" He hums, hoping to hear more. So much more.

"I love you so, so much," you continue.

"Again, sweetheart," he requests, turning onto his side to face his phone.

"You're not tired of hearing it, yet?" You ask, giggling.

"No," he says, instantly. "Say it again, please. A few more times." He smiles at the soft 'okay' you mumble, before a sweet laugh escapes you.

"I love you," you repeat, heart spiking at the low sound that Toji makes. "I sound like a broken record," you mumble, sheepishly, far too aware of the words and pronunciations, and how they're starting to sound strange.

"I like it. Wanna hear it again and again and again."

"One more time?" You attempt to negotiate.

"Two," Toji counters.

"Three?" You throw out, giving him more to end the call in extra good spirits.

"Fuck yes. Yes, baby. Let me just..." he grunts, shifting on his bed, again. "...get a little more comfortable."

You laugh at his reaction. Only he could be this enthusiastic about your affection this early in the day.

"Ready," Toji says, now almost completely still, save for the steady rise and fall of his chest.

"I love you," you start, holding back the nervous urge you feel to laugh at being put on the spot.

Toji lets out a little sigh in response. He's as fascinated as he always is by how the words sound coming from you.

"I love you, Toji," you repeat, smiling. "I'll keep reminding you, today, tomorrow—even when Valentine's Day is over. You should always know."

"I know it," he confirms.

"Good, because I love you. With all my heart," you say, spending your final use of the affectionate phrase. "And... that was the last one for now. Call back at a later time for a brand new set. Beeeeep."

Toji chuckles, the sound full and warm, leaving you to wonder if you even deserved the reaction. Regardless, it's contagious.

"You're so fucking sweet. Makes me wanna be so selfish with you. Why can't I see you later? Just for an hour."

You smile, curling into your blanket a little more. "I'm just a little too busy, love."

Toji huffs, a sound akin to a frustrated puppy, because he just can't comprehend the separation, especially not after this call.

"I'm sorry... but I can't wait to see you, tomorrow," you say, a little more cheerfully. "I know we don't have our plans entirely figured out, but I don't really care what we do, as long as we get our time."

"We'll definitely get our time," Toji promises. "I miss you. Nothing will keep me from seeing you."

"I miss you, too," you reciprocate, though you wonder how he could miss you already when he just saw you two days ago.

"Am I getting kissed by you, tomorrow?" He asks.

"What?" You laugh at the question, like it's the silliest thing you've heard him say so far.

"You heard me. Are you, my pretty baby, going to kiss me drunk, tomorrow?"

"Yes...? I can. I will," you say, more determined.

"There you go," Toji encourages, chuckling. "You're gonna be sooo sick of me afterwards."

You laugh, softly. "What are you saying?"

"You'll see," he teases. "We get the whole day together to do all kinds of lovey dovey stuff and I'm not wasting a second."

Something about the way he said it makes your heart jump and your stomach flutter.

"I'm really excited," you tell him, resisting the urge to put all the tiredness you feel into your yawn. Only the sound of your exhale is heard.

"Same, baby. You should probably get some rest. Gotta be up pretty early for work, don't you?"

You sigh, already thinking about how hard it's going to be to get out of bed and into the world, all before eight a.m.

"I don't want to go," you mumble.

"I know, but you know what?"

"What?" You inquire, halfheartedly, still not quite pumped about having to be up in a few hours.

"We're gonna talk while you're getting ready for work. You're gonna make yourself your little iced coffee, get all the grumpiness out, and maybe I'll get lucky... Get a pretty little picture before you leave." He grins at your soft giggles. "How's that sound, sweetheart?"

"Better," you respond, honestly. "Can I call you during my lunch break? Or does it not work with your lunch time?"

"Doesn't matter. I'll pick up. Be like, 'heyyy, baby,' then talk your ear off 'til you regret calling."

"Well, okay. It's a date. I look forward to it," you say, voice wavering with amusement.

"Uh-huh. Ditto."

"..."

"..."

You crack first, a snicker cutting through the intentional short bit of silence. Toji huffs out a laugh immediately after.

"I love you so fucking much, doll," he says, audibly cheesing through his profession. "Talk to you in a little, okay? Get some sleep."

"Okay," you respond, still smiling. "I love you. Bye."

Once the call ends, Toji doesn't stay on his phone. He clicks it off, and rolls onto his stomach, burying the side of his face into his pillow with nothing but you on his mind as he attempts to get some sleep.

The fact that he got sleep paralysis is completely forgotten, tossed into oblivion, because his mind runs reels upon reels of you when he closes his eyes. He thinks about the sound of your laugh, the way you're so good at smiling at him with your voice, that he can vividly imagine it when you're nowhere to be seen.

His heart thumps a little faster at the memory of you asking him to be your Valentine. It was the most gentle question, with the most obvious answer. You are his Valentine by default. No need to wonder, no need to question it. His soul comes out to meet yours whenever you're around, and they are inseparable until it's time for you to go your own separate ways.

The last thing that comes to mind before he drifts off is the way you called him 'love'. It was the sweetest melody to his ears, brief, yet, unmistakable. He has an entire list of terms of endearment that he reserves for you, and he means them as he deals them out to you, but for you to call him something like that is rare.

You almost always stumble on the saccharine words, and Toji's gotten used to the way you mostly call him by his name, but occasionally a sweet little title will just flow past your lips. Most of the time, he tries not to make a big deal out of it—outwardly—because then you get embarrassed, but sometimes it's hard to hold back a grin that accompanies the wild beat of his heart.

'Baby'? Yes, he is your baby. 'Handsome'? That one incites him to behave towards you in ways that require privacy. 'Love'? That one makes him want to wrap around you like a blanket for hours.

"You need to stop saying sorry for everything," Toji comments, watching as you try to distract yourself from getting emotional by putting things away that you would normally leave out in your living room. You don't want to look at him because you know sympathy enhances those emotions.

"Are you listening to me?" He asks, waiting for your eyes to meet his for at least a second. You hum affirmatively in response, a small nod of your head as you continue to wipe down the coffee table with a microfiber towel.

Toji's patience never wears thin when it comes to you, but sometimes words don't reach you fast enough, like now. So he rises from the couch and walks around the coffee table to stand next to you, still just watching you for a few seconds. When you refuse to look at him, he finds a way to make it happen.

He lifts your fingers enough to loosen your hold on the towel, confiscating the object that you were maneuvering around almost mindlessly. You blink up at him and he throws the cloth on the table, before looking back at you, as if he's daring you to ask him what his problem is.

He doesn't get that from you, unfortunately.

"Sorry," you mumble, running your hand over the warmth of your forearm.

"No, baby. What the hell is that? What are you even saying 'sorry' about?"

He's not mad. It doesn't work that way in a situation like this. It's hard to see you in this state, knocked around emotionally because you think nobody wants you around, including him.

"I wasn't paying attention to you, I-I was doing something else instead of just focusing on you."

"You're not a robot, doll. And i'm not some all mighty person that you need to straighten up for. I'm not scolding you, either. I just..." He is now very aware of much it looks like you're going to cry. Your eyes are glassy, your jaw keeps tightening and releasing, and you won't leave your nails alone. "I need you to get that not everything is your fault. People are assholes and they start shit over little things 'cause they're bored."

"I know," you respond, softly.

"Then why are you sad, right now?" He asks, concern seeping into his features. "This wasn't how you were a couple hours ago. Not until you had that run in with that guy."

"I didn't do anything to him," you barely manage to say. Your chest stutters as you attempt to hold back the stronger waves of sadness you feel. "I know people have bad days. I never judge anyone because I have bad days, too, but what is the point in raising your voice and making someone feel as bad as you do?"

That's one that Toji doesn't know how to answer, because while you are one hundred percent correct, he's not a mind reader.

"I don't know, baby, but, you didn't do anything wrong. Seems like it could have happened to anyone, and it was just a wrong place, wrong time type of thing."

You nod, like the explanation is enough. It should be, but you still feel a heaviness in your chest. Something that won't vanish because you still feel like maybe it was your fault.

"I'm over it," you mumble, bending down to pick the towel off the table.

Again, it's quickly taken out of your hand and tossed on the table. The look on Toji's face freezes you in place. You don't know what to do in this moment. He isn't saying anything, just looking at you as if he's analyzing you.

"You're not over it. You're still holding onto it, and you're gonna let it kill your mood for the rest of the day," he says, after a few more seconds.

"I'm over it, Toji."

"You're not," he pushes back, certain. "Otherwise you wouldn't be acting like this. You wouldn't be all bummed out or trying to hide from me in plain sight. You wouldn't be so quiet-- And listen, I know you're not the biggest fan of talking to people—I know that about you—but you talk to me."

Your heartbeat is in your ears, and your hands are getting that weird tingly sensation that happens when you're anxious or stressed.

"You can push everyone in the whole damn world away if you want. Friends, coworkers, everyone. Everyone but me." He shakes his head, emphasizing the fact. "You don't do that with me. You can't."

You blink, nodding in acknowledgment of his words. Not a single one of them flies over your head.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't... it wasn't my intention. I wasn't trying to do that."

A heavy sigh is released, because this is something Toji knows, too. You don't go quiet on purpose, you shy away because being vulnerable is one of the most intense things you feel, and it's a constant around him. Everything you feel is heightened whenever he's around, due to the constant fear of judgement hanging over your head.

"I know. I understand that, doll," he responds, taking your restless hands into both of his. "I just wanna listen to you—want you to talk my ear off, even if it's just to let me know that you don't want to talk."

His eyes dart to the gentle smile that begins to form on your lips and something in him settles. It means his words have fulfilled their purpose.

"You can tell me when you don't want to talk about something, you know? And I'll give you time to sit with it, but in the end, we have to talk. We have to. Or it'll turn into chaos, and we don't want that, sweetheart."

His eyes search yours for understanding, finding it in the glimmer that appears as you nod in agreement of what he just told you.

"Okay?" He asks, seeking confirmation.

"Okay."

"You're done cleaning," Toji tells you, leading you to the couch with him. "There was no mess to clean up to begin with," he grumbles, pulling you onto his lap.

"It felt messy," you respond, eyes pinned to the stitched design on his hoodie.

"You were in your head, baby. You put a coffee mug and the candles that are normally out here, in your room."

"Yeah, I needed to do something. Guess it doesn't make sense," you say, a sheepish laugh following.

"It does to me. I know what it was for you."

Of course he does. He knows you so well, that sometimes it makes you wonder if learning you is hard at all. If it is, Toji has always made it look incredibly simple.

You lean forward, wrapping your arms around him and resting your head on his shoulder. Holding him this way feels right. If you could do it all the time, you would, but you'll always be content with just getting to be around him.

"You'll be fine, doll. People can yell all they want, but no one's gonna lay a finger on you," Toji murmurs, dragging his fingers up and down your back. "They'll lose the whole hand, maybe more."

You giggle at that, the tremble of your body pulling a grin from Toji. "You like the sound of that?" He asks.

"A little," you admit, another giddy laugh escaping.