Absence is a house so vast

it's my dad's birthday today. the sun is shining, it's very warm, i hope he sits in a deck chair and enjoys his special day up there. missing him a little bit more today.

the night you died I said goodbye and watched them carry you away but the urge to call you and ask for advice is still haunting me.

Really pisses me off how everyone my dad admired (musicians, writers, footballers, politicians, his friends) is still alive but not him. Some are so much older than him as well. Why is the world so full of him but he's not in it? It wasn't supposed to be this way.

what do you mean i have to go the rest of my life without seeing them ever again

And nobody, not you, not me, can fill the holes that someone else has left. All we can do is keep each other from falling in the holes and never coming out again.- Making Faces by Amy Harmon

i have notifications set up for cheap flights to my friend's city. but now that he's gone I don't need them anymore. I still get the emails every once in a while and it still feels like a punch to the gut each time. but i also can't bring myself to turn them off. that's love. that's grief.

the thing about my dad is that I miss him

The thing about grief is that if you are vocally honest about how it feels you sound like someone about to be involuntarily committed