*

anyways, its a funny thing to reach places you could have only dreamed of years before, only to face continual confusion and unease. these two years have been filled with new beginnings and somewhat premature endings, all strung on an underlying thread of guilt for work unfinished. I haven’t felt settled at any point in these last two years, and now that I’m finally at a place where I’ve been aiming to be, I have so much to still process and low key trauma to work through that I wonder if it was all even worth it. It seems as though I should have a better understanding of how the world works at this point, and in some ways I do, but in my day to day, I’m not always sure. I’ve disappointed myself and others in this past year while falling into a new and unyielding form of depression I had yet to experience until this point. it’d be a stretch to say i’m at a good place, but I know I’m doing better and working to continue growing with intentionality.

How do I find my way back to a semblance of grounding? How do I sustainably grow to contribute meaningful value from and to the spaces I inhabit? How do I find my way back to a self I can feel proud of? How do I balance the responsibilities I have to myself, my family and my communities?