Eclectic

Usually I’m much better at turning pain into poetry than I feel as though I am today. I’m a mess. 

One year ago today, I began a mental health treatment program that ultimately saved my life. During this time, I was in a relationship so toxic and abusive that I am left with the flashbacks and heartache even to this day. I do not miss him, nor do I still love him, but each time I think of him, I get sick to my stomach. I am afraid to open up to people. I paint a smile on my face and carry myself with laughter, even when my heart is breaking. I am so afraid. He destroyed my fire, my light, my zest and taste for life. I was robbed of innocence by a man who disguised himself. Since I am in a different relationship now, I never noticed how much my past affected me until I was quaking with fear when it came time for me to tell my boyfriend “hey, I’m having an off day today.” Though he cradled me with love and affection, I expected a response such as “you ruined my day...stop complaining...you’re too fucking much...” and so forth. Each and every day he made sure to tell me how I didn’t compare to his ex, I wasn’t “chill” enough, how I was too much to handle, and how I should stop asking him to make time for me.