Scribbles Of Heart

As if we’re on solid ground

Furious when we realize we’re not ready yet

Ungrateful for our divine timing

And immature to think we can outsmart ourselves

Physically on paper and with passion

My body and being is in the handwriting

One day, when I am gone

and my written hand remains,

That’ll be the closest someone may ever get to me

again. Reunited. Introduced. Freshly acquainted

I hope our encounter is meaningful

I yearn to impart a thought, inspiration, or comfort

As a new, old, or somewhat familiar friend

Through time and space

I reach my hand toward you

Rambling on as I always have, and like I do

To follow the lines of my letters is to watch me

Where ever I am, writing my script of consciousness

Utterly delighted when that manuscript lands

Upon the solid surface of a paper, napkin, or coupon

I touch the matter before you with an imprint

And create just one more archeological remnant

Of everything I am, for better or for worse

I hope you read it when you can

-PA

I thought becoming a mother would heal me

Although my son’s tender cuddles do warm me

It does not console my inner lonely child

I thought having a good mother in law could do

Although her support and strength inspire me

Her presence isn’t soothing to my brokenness

I’ve tried to fill this void in many ways

Yet I find myself having to accept the absence

Of a mother who is unconditionally there

A mother who knows me because she is me

A mother who loves me because I am hers

A mother who doesn’t judge and just shows up

A mother who feeds me without me asking

I’ve met many wonderful mothers who love me

They say they feel motherly towards me

They say they see me as another daughter

But I can feel the distance

And it’s not because they don’t love me

And it’s not because they don’t mean their words

It’s only because no one can love you like yours

I tried so many times to get mine to love me

Despite her illness and despite her toxicity

But she has no love to give

She has no capacity to take any responsibility

She can’t fill the void for she is a void herself

She has no warmth even for herself

She only takes from others

She forced me to not only be motherless

But to give her motherly love

And I wonder

If I’ve lived other lives

Did I have good mothers?

Because this lonely feeling has always felt familiar

As a little girl, it felt fitting to be alone

The abuse and neglect didn’t feel so shocking

And oh the despair, to feel fated to this

To feel like there’s no place to flee this

This desperate feeling

This dreadful feeling

This deafening feeling

That this kind of love I yearn for just isn’t for me

With five more years full of opportunities yet

Who knows how happy you would be

You could have faced the common 20’s woes

Thinking what you’ve done in life so far

Instead it’s left to those who loved you

To wonder what you could have done

Watching your birthday come and go feels muddy

I wish you the best but I can’t help but feel

A return to sender notice in response

I’d like to think you’re at peace

Yet whose to say you feel anything at all

Perhaps that’s the way you would’ve liked it

Deductive reasoning would persuade as such

Seems such an option didn’t frighten you much

But if you watch over us like the little ants we are

I wonder if what we do makes you proud

Or if it makes you laugh hysterically

As if its an inside joke amongst the dead

That all the living do is either in vain or pointless

I’d like to think though, your happy with my life

That your living through me and others somehow

That this version of existence is better for you

That your at peace with how your soul exists

And if you simply no longer exist

At least I know you live in my memories

Forever 19

Forever beautiful

Forever sadly sweet

How much you trusted me not to

I hate that the part of our time I miss most was

How much conviction you had in loving me

It’s easy to remember and hard to admit

How much I loved how hard you fought for me

I’ll always be sorry I never caught up to you

I’ll always cherish how special you made me feel

I’ll always be sure I did the right thing because

I could never love you like you deserve

As much as it pains me to know I hurt you

I just hope that when you think of me now

You have the kind of love that makes you grateful

I let you go to have more than I had to give

I know without doubt that had I held onto you

You would be with me till the end

In that way

You will always make me feel loved

That a sip or hit of anything could soften the day

That it doesn’t matter anyways

That it doesn’t all add up

My days have been stable without a crutch

Although I tire the same

And procrastinate just as much

I do so with less pain

Knowing that what holds me back today

Is simply being human

Today I want to evolve my inner peace

Today I find myself more willing to do the work

Today I fully admit that I have been avoiding today

We’ll see what tomorrow brings

But I hope it’s influenced by today

To love people

Who make you feel like nothing

Who make you feel worthless

Who make self love impossible

So long as you love them

And the distance it takes

To wish it all away

Strikes too close

Too often

My soul tuck back into its dark covers

My mind engage in strategy

I’ll find another way

I just have to do it alone

As I do most things

The small things won’t do anymore

When you’ve been anticipating joy

A crack in the grand plan terrorizes the soul

When all you’ve been searching for is defined

The planned will drive you mad

Fear is genuine

Anger lies

Happiness is just an idea

Warm ceramic at my fingertips

Coffee and biscuits in the fog

Some peace and quiet

Learn to rest my soul

Preparing for the bigger fight

For the endless scenarios

To unravel and categorize

To settle and rectify

To soak in the calm before the storm