We stand on our scabs
As if we’re on solid ground
Furious when we realize we’re not ready yet
Ungrateful for our divine timing
And immature to think we can outsmart ourselves
-PA
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@lunarmisfit
We stand on our scabs
As if we’re on solid ground
Furious when we realize we’re not ready yet
Ungrateful for our divine timing
And immature to think we can outsmart ourselves
-PA

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I write when I can
Physically on paper and with passion
My body and being is in the handwriting
One day, when I am gone
and my written hand remains,
That’ll be the closest someone may ever get to me
again. Reunited. Introduced. Freshly acquainted
I hope our encounter is meaningful
I yearn to impart a thought, inspiration, or comfort
As a new, old, or somewhat familiar friend
Through time and space
I reach my hand toward you
Rambling on as I always have, and like I do
To follow the lines of my letters is to watch me
Where ever I am, writing my script of consciousness
Utterly delighted when that manuscript lands
Upon the solid surface of a paper, napkin, or coupon
I touch the matter before you with an imprint
And create just one more archeological remnant
Of everything I am, for better or for worse
I hope you read it when you can
-PA

I want a mommy too
I thought becoming a mother would heal me
Although my son’s tender cuddles do warm me
It does not console my inner lonely child
I thought having a good mother in law could do
Although her support and strength inspire me
Her presence isn’t soothing to my brokenness
I’ve tried to fill this void in many ways
Yet I find myself having to accept the absence
Of a mother who is unconditionally there
A mother who knows me because she is me
A mother who loves me because I am hers
A mother who doesn’t judge and just shows up
A mother who feeds me without me asking
I’ve met many wonderful mothers who love me
They say they feel motherly towards me
They say they see me as another daughter
But I can feel the distance
And it’s not because they don’t love me
And it’s not because they don’t mean their words
It’s only because no one can love you like yours
I tried so many times to get mine to love me
Despite her illness and despite her toxicity
But she has no love to give
She has no capacity to take any responsibility
She can’t fill the void for she is a void herself
She has no warmth even for herself
She only takes from others
She forced me to not only be motherless
But to give her motherly love
And I wonder
If I’ve lived other lives
Did I have good mothers?
Because this lonely feeling has always felt familiar
As a little girl, it felt fitting to be alone
The abuse and neglect didn’t feel so shocking
And oh the despair, to feel fated to this
To feel like there’s no place to flee this
This desperate feeling
This dreadful feeling
This deafening feeling
That this kind of love I yearn for just isn’t for me
-PF
when you can’t control yourself, count to three.
It’s Okay to Not Be Okay, Episode 1 “The Boy Who Fed On Nightmares”

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You would have been 24 this year
With five more years full of opportunities yet
Who knows how happy you would be
You could have faced the common 20’s woes
Thinking what you’ve done in life so far
Instead it’s left to those who loved you
To wonder what you could have done
Watching your birthday come and go feels muddy
I wish you the best but I can’t help but feel
A return to sender notice in response
I’d like to think you’re at peace
Yet whose to say you feel anything at all
Perhaps that’s the way you would’ve liked it
Deductive reasoning would persuade as such
Seems such an option didn’t frighten you much
But if you watch over us like the little ants we are
I wonder if what we do makes you proud
Or if it makes you laugh hysterically
As if its an inside joke amongst the dead
That all the living do is either in vain or pointless
I’d like to think though, your happy with my life
That your living through me and others somehow
That this version of existence is better for you
That your at peace with how your soul exists
And if you simply no longer exist
At least I know you live in my memories
Forever 19
Forever beautiful
Forever sadly sweet
-PA
The hardest part of breaking your heart was
How much you trusted me not to
I hate that the part of our time I miss most was
How much conviction you had in loving me
It’s easy to remember and hard to admit
How much I loved how hard you fought for me
I’ll always be sorry I never caught up to you
I’ll always cherish how special you made me feel
I’ll always be sure I did the right thing because
I could never love you like you deserve
As much as it pains me to know I hurt you
I just hope that when you think of me now
You have the kind of love that makes you grateful
I let you go to have more than I had to give
I know without doubt that had I held onto you
You would be with me till the end
In that way
You will always make me feel loved
-PA
I let go of the addictive illusion
That a sip or hit of anything could soften the day
That it doesn’t matter anyways
That it doesn’t all add up
My days have been stable without a crutch
Although I tire the same
And procrastinate just as much
I do so with less pain
Knowing that what holds me back today
Is simply being human
-PA

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Today I see the point in guarding ones health
Today I want to evolve my inner peace
Today I find myself more willing to do the work
Today I fully admit that I have been avoiding today
We’ll see what tomorrow brings
But I hope it’s influenced by today
-PA
What a misfortune it is
To love people
Who make you feel like nothing
Who make you feel worthless
Who make self love impossible
So long as you love them
-PA
The dissonance in self
And the distance it takes
To wish it all away
Strikes too close
Too often
-PA
I’ll let my eyes glaze over
My soul tuck back into its dark covers
My mind engage in strategy
I’ll find another way
I just have to do it alone
As I do most things
-PA
When you’ve been waiting to live
The small things won’t do anymore
When you’ve been anticipating joy
A crack in the grand plan terrorizes the soul
When all you’ve been searching for is defined
The planned will drive you mad
-PA

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Joy is complicated
Fear is genuine
Anger lies
Happiness is just an idea
-PA
I’ll have the cool air at my back
Warm ceramic at my fingertips
Coffee and biscuits in the fog
Some peace and quiet
Learn to rest my soul
Preparing for the bigger fight
For the endless scenarios
To unravel and categorize
To settle and rectify
To soak in the calm before the storm
-PA