Permanent Resident Of Moron Mountain

An unguarded Kaeya is a surprisingly quiet Kaeya, not in the sense he’s silent but that his usual theatrical mannerisms (expressive hands, knowing looks, practiced smiles, his near constant amusement) are muted.

He’s the kind of man who takes winding down as seriously as getting the job done, and it shows in his post work routine. He doesn’t care if the more traditional sorts call it “unmanly” or “foppish” (assuming ofc that real word stereotypes carry over to the Genshin universe, highly unlikely considering the character designs though) but he takes his time with skincare and hair treatments after all that field work (you might hear him tutting over split ends or breakouts caused by nights spent on the road for longer missions). If Reader is interested, he’s more than happy to include them — especially if they’ve never paid attention to either before. So self-care nights are spent laughing over how silly the other looks with a face mask on or advice on which ointments to use or avoid.

Taking a bath together though is something that’ll take some time to suggest. He’s not too eager to show his scars (or take his eyepatch off) so it’ll take a fair couple of months of earning his trust until he suggests it. He’s playful, bringing it up casually with that charming grin of his, but his voice cracks when he laughs and averts his gaze when you say yes. The first bath could be awkward in the beginning (especially if you two haven’t had intercourse before and this is the first time you’re seeing each other undressed) and he attempts to hide his unease through conversation. You may have to make the first move to make him comfortable, offer to help each other bathe. He’s tender then, careful. His fingers press into your back as he rubs soap into your skin, and maybe teasing you with a tickle. He’s good with his hands too, picking out spots where he assumes your tension gathers. He’ll sigh pleasantly when you return the favour, leaning into your touch. A comfortable silence will settle as he just soaks in this moment of care, musing on the strangeness of this intimacy which seems to transcend that of the more sensual kind. The first shared bath is unlikely to lead up to anything though, however the ones after might. But for now, he’s content letting you comb your fingers through his scalp and rub the stiffness from his shoulders… then return the favour tenfold of course. He still wouldn’t take his eyepatch off though.

There’s also lazing around on the couch together on off-days. He’ll sit down with some reading while you do your own thing beside him. A conversation isn’t necessary, but it’s the quiet comfort of living in someone’s space— and them choosing to live in his— that he appreciates. If you are in the mood for a chat, he’ll indulge you. His favourite ones are those that invite thought, not tethered to everyday life or, Archon’s forbid, politics. But if you have something to rant about or yap about or confess, he’ll lend you both his ear and words.

If he’s free, he’ll help you cook too, flip a coin to decide the dish and all. His choice recipes are the foods that are designed to accompany wine; either included in the recipe or paired with it. But if you aren’t one for alcohol, he won’t mind whipping up a mocktail either. If you’re the one cooking… he’ll still try to pair your dish with wine, but he’ll help you with chopping vegetables, toasting seasoning, etc. Expect him to talk your ear off about whatever “culinary secret” he knows while he does it though. He’ll also attempt to juggle some of the vegetables… only to miscalculate at the last moment and send them tumbling on his feet. He’s laughing, but it hurt. Help him.

Tosses the coin for sharing chores. He doesn’t want to do them, and you also probably don’t want to do them, so why not let fate decide on your shared torture (if you do enjoy chores, he’s pleasantly surprised but will feel guilty and help you anyway). He whistles as he works, and if you can’t he’ll try to teach you. If you can, you two can try to whistle something together, he’s certainly game. You’ll also catch him attempting the more undignified experiments — like swinging the broom like his sword — things no outsider would dream of seeing the elegant, suave Cavalry Captain do.

Snuggling in bed is his favourite way to end the day. There isn’t much pillow talk here (unless it’s one of those nights where his eye is heavy but his brain is screaming) and he’s out in a few minutes. He’s a snorer, but it’s quieter than most, oddly grounding if you’re the one with insomnia. He prefers to sleep on his right side, but rotates through quite a few positions. Sometimes you’ll wake up with his arm thrown over your belly, sometimes sprawled like a starfish, other times curled like an infant. It usually ends with his cheek pressed against your shoulder, or some part of him touching you.

I did mean the degradation kink, yes (got confused hehe 💀).

A = Aftercare (what they're like after sex)

It really depends on your relationship with him, but he’ll always check in on you after— are you sore, would you like some water, if you want to use his shower, etc.

If it’s a FWB situation, the playfulness of your friendship will show but there isn’t much cuddling or vulnerability. Or if you’re in the “what are we” phase, he may sneak in a few lingering touches, press a kiss to your brow and tell you you were wonderful. But he’ll still excuse himself quickly.

If you’re in a relationship with him, he stays longer. Just soaks in the warmth of a body against his, pleasant despite the mess of fluids and smells.

He’ll mumble praises and affections, especially if he’d taken on a colder, meaner role during the act. He also hopes you’ll stay the night and says so, which is something he’s not likely to initiate if you’re just sexual partners (he won’t tell you to get out either 💀 he has class, but the intimacy is restrained to sex itself).

So in short, attentive and caring, but not necessarily vulnerable.

B = Body part (their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner's)

Judging by his character design? His chest, or at least his upper body (his chest is quite exposed both in webtoon and in-game, in Sailwind Shadow his top clings quite tightly to him, framing the chest and partially exposing his upper arm) and his waist (Sailwind Shadow has a design that draws the idea to the embellishment at his waist, plus he wears a corset(?) — or so most of the community agrees, I couldn’t find the official source that mentioned it explicitly but it appears to be one anyway).

As for his partner… I don’t think he’s shallow enough to base attraction on looks alone. So I’m going to assume he has a thing for chests, since he’s shown to appreciate his own. But if you’re asking which part he likes to stimulate more, it’s whichever that’ll get his partner melting like putty in his hands.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

Though he enjoys the thought of finishing inside, he pulls out. Besides, you look adorable all flushed and panting, now with him smeared across your thighs. Don’t worry, he’ll help you clean up … after he’s done admiring you.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He plays with the idea of giving up control often, though it never quite succeeds in reality. Not completely.

But there’s something tantalising about the thought of being bound and helpless, to do little but twitch and sigh as gentle fingers knead the flesh of his thighs.

But the fantasy fades quickly when the hand drifts to his face.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they're doing?)

Kaeya has experience, but it’s also important to understand he doesn’t sleep around to the point he neglects responsibility. Most of it is just indulgence (as I’ve mentioned his “live to the fullest” mentality in my older posts), just like treating yourself to fine wine after a hard day. If that births rumours of him being a casanova over one-too-many failed relationships, well, it’s not like there’s much for him to do, is there? People talk. It’s your choice to believe them, and those who know Kaeya personally are wise enough to ignore such gossip.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Kaeya’s “style” of intercourse is often psychological. In the sense he plans more than just … stick it in and be done with it. Even if he doesn’t have an emotional connection with his partner, he prides his performance (Never-ending Performance, eh?).

As such, his favoured positions with a casual partner are some variations of the spoon, having his partner bent for him to enter from behind, reverse cowgirl— basically anything that is stimulating but avoids being directly face-to-face. This same principle applies if he’s the receiver.

If his partner is romantically involved or someone he genuinely cares for, he starts to assume more vulnerable positions— like the classic missionary and its variations, the seat or other positions that have you sort of… cradled(?) by him? Basically when Kaeya feels something for his partner, it naturally manifests as him wanting to feel them more than simply grinding and thrusting for pleasure.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Very playful. Especially if he’s the one who’s receiving or subbing (loves to see his partner get frustrated when he refuses to take them seriously, a brat basically). He’s chatty in bed, quite vocal too, so if he’s the dom he enjoys teasing his partner for their reactions (doubling down to get more). He loves the effect he has on people and he doesn’t care to act otherwise.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

I mentioned him taking care of his appearance, being a bit of a dandy and all, so I don’t see why it wouldn’t show here.

As for matching the drapes, I’d guess so? By anime hair logic?

| = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Depends on closeness to the partner. If it’s a casual tryst, not particularly intimate. He’s still playful and looks out for discomfort, but like I’ve mentioned in F, it might be fun but it’s not close.

In an FWB situation too this is constant, but he’ll be noticeably “looser” in the aftermath, treat it like a friendly hangout after it’s done.

If it’s a romantic partner — or someone he deeply cares for — though, as I said before, he gravitates to wanting more of them, to draw it out as long as he can take. Touches linger, his sighs are softer, his face buried in the crook of their neck as he finishes with a curse. Let him stay like that for a moment, don’t push him away yet, please.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

Masturbates quite often actually. Frankly, I think he masturbates more than he seeks out company. Usually when his brain refuses to shut down though his eye burns for sleep. If it not that, then he likes experimenting with himself. He’s into pleasure, doesn’t matter if it’s his hands or someone else’s.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Anything that involves the mind. He doesn’t like it simple, he either wants his partner to make him work for it or to make them work for him.

He enjoys role-play with power dynamics(doesn’t mean he has to be the one in-charge, it’s a lot more fun if he snatches control from you when you least expect it), praise or derogation based on how his partner responds (but his derogation isn’t “boring” name-calling, more like backhanded praises), sado-masochism (within limits!!! He doesn’t like things that involve fire or serious injury), bondage, temperature play, overstimulation, orgasm denial, mutual masturbation, you get the gist. He’s a freak and he’s proud of it. Quite experimental too, so he doesn’t mind trying new things out.

L = Location (favourite places to do the do)

His apartment or his partner’s. Not all pleasures need to be public, though sometimes he does fantasise about doing it in his office— if only to entertain the scandalised looks of the holier-than-though circles frequenting it. I don’t think he’d actually do it though, the man does have a reputation to uphold.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Intelligence and mischief, anyone who’ll get him to think or play his games.

For example, if someone were to openly proposition him, expressing only physical interest, he won’t be that interested. If it’s been a bad week and he’s got plenty of steam to blow, maybe, but it won’t be as enjoyable for him.

However if one were to play with his advances, either turning them into something innocuous or playing along with then suddenly switching topics, he’ll be very entertained.

Funnily enough though, he’s also into earnestness, though this appreciation is mostly reserved for partners he has some emotional connection with. So if his partner was shy by nature but offered a night— perhaps fumbling or stammering through the offer— he’d be quite charmed. Who knows, maybe he’ll go easy on them with his teasing. Maybe.

N = No (something they wouldn't do, turn offs)

Fire or burning (ik I said temperature play that falls along the lines of “inappropriate uses of a Vision ), name-calling (his derogation doesn’t consist of labels, he doesn’t like receiving or giving them), consensual non-consensual, and anything that falls into “gross” category for him.

I’m unsure of knife play though because while he seems to be the type to love the high of both danger and pleasure, it would also be putting himself in a dangerous situation— especially with a casual partner— and he doesn’t seem like the kind to jeopardise his safety to that level. I suppose it depends on context and your interpretation of him.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

A fair bit of both, really.

It’s fun to pat his thigh, lean back with his legs spread, watching his partner crawl over and take him in their mouth… but it’s just as fun to take them in his, flicking, licking and sucking as their breaths falter.

As for skill, he’s picked up a few tricks (don’t ask from where, he doesn’t kiss and tell) so he’s not clueless, but he’s not an expert either. So if his partner guides him, tells him what feels good or what doesn’t, he’ll do better.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

He likes to alternate. Get you used to him being slow then speed up when you least expect it, and such. He tends to get rougher when he’s frustrated or if his partner’s being a brat.

With a partner he’s close to though, on certain days he takes it slow. Days when it’s less about fucking and more about wanting to hold and be held.

He’s always sensual throughout though. A man who recognises arousal is mostly intellectual is a dangerous man indeed.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Not a very big fan of it. Like I said, he takes his time and plans it (to some level, even if spontaneous ). But he doesn’t mind indulging, just not his favourite.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Very experimental and has a little arsenal of, ahem, “equipment”. But he draws a line at kinks that are potentially physically harmful — excepting rope burn and a few bruises.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Considering his passive ability, we can safely assume he can go more than one round at least? As for how long he lasts, it depends on how he’s feeling. If there’s a lot on his mind he takes longer to finish, if he does at all that night. Otherwise if he’s fully in the moment, he reaches his orgasm quickly but denies it to make the session last longer, plus if the final release is more pronounced then all the better for him, no?

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

Has a collection. Not big enough to fill a dungeon but enough that he tucks them separately in the private corners of his dresser.

Naturally, he uses them on himself, and I see him extending their use to a partner as well— especially in the case of overstimulation or denial.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

This is Kaeya Alberich, he doesn’t need to get you in bed to tease you.

As for how much? A lot. Really, a lot. He’s grinning his Cheshire grin while his partner curses him, maybe even weeping in frustration. Don’t judge him, everyone needs to treat their ego sometime, even if it’s through someone crying for his touch.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

He’s chatty, likes talking someone through it, to plant anticipation and excitement in their head before the real fun begins.

As for if he vocalises pleasure… he tries not to, but he can’t hide all of it. He hisses curses and moans through his words— which only strain the closer he gets to his orgasm.

If his partner is shy or unconfident though, he’ll be more open, encouraging and coaxing them in a “see what you do to me” kind of way.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

I think his first time didn’t go too well. Not that it was non-consensual, it wasn’t, but I think adult him thinks he rushed into it.

If Diluc lost Crepus at eighteen and Kaeya was even younger and made Cavalry Captain after, you have a teenager with: A) Trauma B) Heavy responsibility C) Every other inconvenience puberty brings. Not the ideal conditions for thinking straight.

While it wasn’t wholly bad, it sure felt empty after, especially during post-coital clarity — maybe because he’d expected it to fulfil him longer.

X = X-ray (let's see what's going on under those clothes)

His figure is athletic, hiding the strength of his torso and thighs under lean but dense muscle (he’s trained to ride horses and has a quick sword arm). Body hair is fine and scant. The most prominent of his scars are the burns on his right side. He doesn’t have much pudge, growing up a gaunt child even Adelinde couldn’t help. Won’t say his muscles are bulging like a bodybuilder’s though, he’s toned and built for speed and endurance. Not big, but definitely strong.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Fairly moderate? I’m unsure how one measures libido specifically, but considering his job and his mental state I don’t think he actually engages in intercourse with a partner as much as he makes do with himself. Stressful times have him out early and back late, so even if he has a partner at home, he’s out when he hits the bed. During more lax periods though, I can see him engaging more often— so safe to say, it’s variable.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

He’s not falling asleep without a shower, period. Have you heard the “Ew” that left him when you give him food he hates? I refuse to believe this man would fall asleep smelling of sweat and sex, I can smell the expensive cologne whenever he walks into a scene.

After though? He falls asleep surprisingly quickly, though casual partners rarely linger long enough to see it— though they sense his exhaustion. But if it’s a romantic partner— or someone he trusts enough to spend the night — they’ll find him snuggled against them, snoring lightly. Unless of course he’s suddenly confronted by the horrific reality of how tightly wound around your finger he is, in which case he’ll be staring at the ceiling while he rubs your arm, hoping sleep will come despite the quiet panic.

Oh dear, buckle up Anon, you’re in for a ride…

1) Let’s start with Kaeya’s attachment style – personally, I interpret him having a fearful-avoidant attachment stye, which means a relationship with a Reader with anxious attachment style would have a major “push-pull” dynamic.

2) Kaeya is inconsistent with his vulnerability. He allows others to let their walls down around him but rarely reciprocates – at least completely. Though he craves vulnerability and connection (“Leaving already? See you next time, then. Don't make me wait too long, though.” – could arguably be performative, but since his voice-over in the teapot is similar, I assume he doesn’t enjoy complete isolation) he also deflects or dismisses concern or personal questions with humour/sarcasm (“Lonely? Me? Not with someone here nagging me all the time, that's for sure.”/ “My eye? My eye is fine. There's nothing unusual about hiding one's body parts from view. It's the same reason I wear pants... or any other item of clothing, for that matter.”)  so, for someone with an anxious attachment style who pays extreme attention to the subtleties of their partner’s behaviour – reading him is both confusing and mentally exhausting.

3) I headcanon Kaeya’s been in his fair share of relationships (of various natures) and it’s not his first time being attracted to someone with your attachment style (avoidants tend to attract anxious – styles and vice versa) so he’ll be able to recognise your insecurity and habits fairly early (and immediately be filled with a sense of dread because, don’t get him wrong, he loves you but feeling choked in a relationship isn’t fun).

4) That being said, a relationship isn’t impossible – but it is certainly tumultuous. Kaeya, though friendly, playful and helpful, faces extreme discomfort with vulnerability (As the previous example) but is the first to treasure yours. We know from his voicelines that he encourages us to be open with him, so Reader is often reassured by him if they voice their insecurities. That being said, should they become obsessive with him or voice near-constant doubt in him (“Where were you last night? Were you with someone else? Do you even love me anymore? Did you ever?”) despite his attempts to comfort you, his patience will begin to fray. Plus, he’s often dishonest (white lies and half-truths count) and obviously that’s very destabilising for Reader to discover. Should you crash out over this, he’ll be infuriatingly calm as he explains not-so-civilly you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. It’ll be quite the whiplash, especially after his previous reassurances, but once Kaeya loses his patience he’ll be blunt and almost snide. There’s only so much interrogation a man can take from his lover (though ask him how many lies can be tolerated and you’ll catch him looking away, if only briefly). It’s highly possible this is where you’ll go your separate ways.

5) If Reader is self-aware enough to recognise their insecurity and calmly explain it to him… he’ll say he understands, console them, then carry on as usual. It’s not that he wants to hurt you, just that Kaeya has habituated himself with keeping his cards close to his chest and your enquiries are nothing less than forceps ripping his flesh apart for you to pick at the secrets swirling within. Invasive, unwelcome and entirely unnecessary (strange, how he doesn’t think the same when his own insecurities come knocking). Or so he tells himself. If you’re less concerned with his lack of vulnerability you can avoid this altercation altogether… if you can stomach loving a man you barely know beyond how he presents himself to you. Which Reader obviously can’t.

6) In the case of a Reader who desperately wants open and clear answers from Kaeya, he will turn to lying if evasion fails. You ask about his past? Good thing he’s got the report for Varka memorised. You ask where he got his burns from? Just a raid gone wrong, nothing to worry your lovely head about. Why isn’t he being honest with you? What are you talking about, of course he is. He loves you.

7) If this goes on, the relationship will reach a stalemate. His gifts will start to feel hollow, even he feels like a fool when he flashes you a dazzling smile. He hates it. He hates that he does this, every single time. If you decide to leave, he won’t stop you. Won’t beg. He’ll grip your hand and nod, wishing you luck with the next. And when not a trace of you remains in his life, he’s going to down a vintage and puke his guts out, then lie on his couch, crying and feeling like shit, wondering how he was going to show up to work the day after nursing a hangover. Could he have been better? Yes. Did he want to be? Archons, yes. Could he ever be? He doesn’t know.

8) If you decide to stay (easier said than done), the only way for the relationship to progress is if you both just… take a breather. Re-assess yourselves. It’ll be easier if you know the pattern already (Kaeya certainly does) but you’ll need to convince him you want to stay, despite all that’s been happening lately. If you’re successful, he’ll reluctantly confess to how overwhelmed he’s been feeling in this relationship. You two might come to an agreement then, to be better for each other. It’ll take work but… if it’s for the both of you, it’ll be worth it in the end, right?

9) Seeing you base your self-worth on him is another level of heartbreak though. Even if he does snap when you prod carelessly, he still cares about you. Deeply. He’s no stranger to responsibility, but seeing you take his approval this seriously? That a new kind of burden. He wouldn’t call it entirely unpleasant (because that means you really love him too, right?) but it’s worrisome.

10) Healing together will be arduous, but he’ll try and it’ll show. He won’t lie about being at the office, but he won’t say where he’ll have to be either. He hopes “work” is enough to ease your mind. He’ll force himself to stay when the questions get uncomfortable, maybe indulge you as much as he can. But only as long as it goes both ways. He’s willing to change, even if it’s a long and uncomfortable process, but not if you’re unwilling to work on yourself. There’s only so much doubt and accusations he can bear, and if bending himself backwards to make you happy doesn’t work… he’ll start slipping into his old habits again and the cycle continues.

11) All this being said, he’ll always encourage you to feel better about yourself— even in his absence. Even when he retreats into himself, Kaeya still shows care for Reader, because you two are both sides of the same coin — both shaped by some sense of abandonment. This gives room for a deeper level understanding of each other, could even strengthen the relationship once you both work through the stalemate. So really, at the end of the day, what matters is how you navigate each other’s needs and how much work you’re willing to put into your bond.