Chin Up-Smile On

Is Tumblr still relevant? At least it's still relevant to my mood.

Feel so helpless recently. One moment you're full of hope, another second you're stuck. The Internet is evil.

I hope I write or express my emotions a bit better. Sometimes it's the language barrier, sometimes it's the motionlessness.

Music and writing remain the two best therapies ever. Every short break feels more like an escape than healing. Am I healing, or am I escaping.

The rain came late, to nurture the nursery after dawn hours. It was a big pour, I hope the little trees are happy.

I have my mind wandering, and my action unsettled. I wanted to write, but too heavy to pick up an e-pen, too heavy to write on paper. Here am I, letting my emotion flows through the jumping fingertips, with a little music in my ears.

I wanted to live a grounded life, but was too ambitious, to stay grounded. And sometimes I wonder, why am I hustling? I am always wandering, thinking, and wanting more and most out of the environment and working environment I am in. "It was too long here," He said. We're all hustling but forgot to enjoy the journey in between.

Took me some time to figure out that not all hikers, or those who use forests as their training or exercise ground, are nature lovers.

"For hikers, they chase for the peaks; for the nature lover, we enjoy the trail, the process, before reaching the destination."

I am on both spectrums, thus it took me a while to realize aren't everyone shares the same interest, share the same radar as me.

It's so hard, when you have that someone and something that can heavily affects your emotions, and you've nothing to let out of. Maybe not entirely not, through the keyboards as if they are playing the music in your ears. It's okay if no one understands you, you have yourself, that's the most valuable things not to lose. It's so hard, to keep fighting with the emotions, while trying to make things right. Nobody understands you. I guess I've been like that since the longest time, when something strike, you know, its an opportunity for you to leave everything behind, for something different, for something bigger, outside your comfort zone, because it's being challenged again. The most stupid things a girl can do, its being trapped in the feelings of being loved, while forgot that she has been giving all that to herself, for the longest of time. Do not let anyone grab away what you can do, and let them diminish you, just because they are close with you.

It's so hard, to find a way to control your emotions, while speaking with someone who do not think the same as you. We all know, no two person is compatible. Even the closest people to you, one day they will crumble your belief in the hardest way you can imagine, and bring you back to every reality before you met that someone.

The people and place that you wanna escape to, at unpleasant times, are going to hit you, in someway or another. We find refugee, in musics and in words. I guess, I have been finding that for a long time, and don't anyone shaken your beliefs, your life, just because they are different from you.

It take courages, to believe "Distance is beautiful" is not pathetic. Maybe you just have to find a social circle somewhere. Every relationships, have a expired date, called embarking.

Indonesia, you are so deary. I wish I could enjoy you more.

You're lucky to even have times to moderate and walk away from your emotions during working hours.

An unanswered love - is to find the love somewhere in yourself. Feelings can be overwhelmed sometimes. You just need to cool yourself down.

Wake up to the palm, sleep in with the palm 💚

Sent Dad the Smooth Otters picture I spotted in the Forest Reserve today and the Woodpecker (trying to give him an idea what her daughter is doing at work). He responded jokingly: "Do the otters have a baby with them? Can rear them at home." My immediate response has got me rolling my eyeballs to the back of my head. But because it's Dad speaking, I just couldn't get mad longer. I guess it's just him.

So I held back my emotion and replied: "It's illegal to keep as a pet at home *followed up with a smiley emoji, of course,* "Dad continued ", They are kinda cute."

That hit me hard. I kind of recalled the last most "extraordinary" pet our family has ever kept in my teenage years: the Sugar Glider. Being just a high school student at that time, I kind of have the impression that the pet might be illegal. It just didn't look like the other regular domesticated pets, like dogs and cats, which is pretty common in a Malaysia. However, I am quickly hooked by its cuteness and affectionate behaviour towards our family too. It would often squeak loudly in the middle of the night when it's left alone in its cage and jumped, climbed and, of course, crawled all around us when we took it out for "company". We often ended up getting lots of shallow scars on our hands and back after "playing" with it. At one point, Dad was cutting nails for it. Dad then bought one more to keep it accompanied. It seems quite affectionate, and somehow we got another two more from the other relatives. We reared the first one for 4 to 5 years if I am not mistaken, and I still remember how the hair on its forehead got torn off due to "old ages"? At least this was what Dad told me at that time. And I still recalled the sadness in Dad's face when he buried the first sugar glider (which is the only one he got for himself).

Dad has always kept pet fish at home for as long as I can remember as a kid. He is also the one who got me really love animals and the outdoors. He taught me most outdoor activity skills at young ages, like cycling, badminton and swimming, which are all some pretty common and affordable activities in a regular middle-class Malaysian household. Nevertheless, I am l lucky enough to have an athletic dad. *To date, he is still continuing to inspire me by picking up outdoor archery skills every weekend."

Looking back at the conversation with Dad just now, I kind of have much more compassion towards his words compare to the other illegal pet keepers, illegal pet traders or even poachers out there. Well, he might not be harming animal welfare to the same extent or for any similar intentions with theirs. My dad just thought they are cute and hence want to keep them as a pet. However, not gonna deny that the intentions he had is the exact driving force for the exotic pet market in consumerism. Also, I would like to pause for a little disclaimer: Dad has since turned his interest back to keeping fish as a pet after all the sugar gliders were long gone. As he once shared with me, he felt sad to realize that they are actually quite affectionate and need social interaction to keep them healthy. They kind of stop eating after getting depressed from loneliness and suppressing their appetite, which eventually leads to aggressiveness even to their close counterparts. He knows they were not doing well under his "custody". Hence, he has never kept one since then. Guess he kind of learned from the experience.

This just got me thinking if I can be more compassionate towards some of the local community out there, who is directly dependent on wildlife bushmeat or trade for their livelihoods. Or even it's just something that they did, keeping and interacting with wildlife, as they were once live in close proximity in the old ages. I often heard from the last generation folks of how often they encounter wildlife in their living compounds. However, that is not the case anymore when more land is being converted into high rise buildings. These animals simply disappear, either displaced or vanished. As a transition generation that studied and heard about historical story while witnessed the modernization taking place, and soon to be the generation that deciding the future we want to live in, just got me thinking how to be more sensible with any kind of happening exploitation, even to this day. They are often the group, which is framed as the evil of all kind to the negative consequences we are seeing or expecting in the near future. This also got me thinking about how to communicate effectively new management tools and policy framework in shaping shape a better future, in human-wildlife co-existence and natural resources to be exact in this case.

Dad just got me sensible, and I start to think what would happen if I see every old generation doing the status quo as my own parent. This has allowed me to discover another perspective to look at the evil of all time in the case of animal welfare.