Luca's ikemen art

Today was another ordinary day at the Black Army headquarters. I went about my day helping out with everyday tasks. I’ve been living here for about two weeks, and I couldn’t wait for the night of the full moon. It’s not that I didn’t like living here; on the contrary, everyone here was so kind to me. I liked them, especially some of the leaders, the ones who I befriended. I still struggled with social interactions due to autism, but it wasn’t as hard to get used to living there as I initially thought.

“Mornin’, Ciel!” Fenrir said with a wide smile as he approached me.

I picked up one of the bedsheets I had just washed. “Good morning.”

“Do you need help with that?”

“Yeah, I think.”

And so, Fenrir helped me with the laundry. I had similar interactions with the other leaders throughout the day, but there was one thing that bothered me. I was scared of the conflict between the Black Army and the Red Army. Are they really going to fight each other? The Red Army still wants to subjugate the Black Army, there was no denying it. Both armies had already declared war, but neither of them had made a move, at least not yet. I wasn’t used to this, and while things were peaceful for now, the thought of being caught up in a war was very disturbing to me.

After lunch, Sirius and I washed the dishes and we chatted a little, but there was another thing bothering me. It’s something I found out about myself years ago, at the age of 17. I realized that I’m not a woman, and after a while I also realized I’m not a man either. I just didn’t feel any connection to these concepts. I was tired of living as a woman, but I wasn’t so sure if becoming a man was a good idea. Back in my world, the Land of Reason, I found out that there were people like me, but I hadn’t met any of them, or at least I didn’t think I did. I never told a soul about this part of me, and I wasn’t sure if I would ever open up about it. I was lost in thought as I washed the dishes until Sirius’s voice snapped me out of my daze.

“Little lady? Is everything okay?”

“Um, yes.” I replied, feeling startled.

“What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing.” I lied nervously.

“Alright, then.”

I spent the rest of the day trying not to worry about it. It’s not like I had to tell anyone. I can just be the woman everyone thinks I am, since I’ve been doing that my whole life. I was going home soon, and no one in Cradle has to know what I really am. Eventually, the sky grew darker, and soon it was covered in bright stars.

I was having dinner with everyone, and things were lively, as usual. Ray, Fenrir and Seth were all chatting happily, and Sirius would sometimes make a comment or two. Luka and I were quiet, and I focused on eating my food, only speaking when spoken to.

Fenrir had a satisfied smile as he ate his steak. “Man, this is SO good!”

“At least chew properly, don’t just shovel it down.” Sirius said with an annoyed tone.

“Okay, got it, old man!”

“I’ve told you already, I’m not an old man, I’m only 30.” Sirius stated, looking even more annoyed.

Fenrir glanced at me and his expression changed into one of concern. “Hey Ciel, Are you okay? You look kinda sad.”

“Oh, you do look sad! What happened?” Seth asked.

“Nothing. I’m not sad.” I replied awkwardly.

“Are you sure there’s nothing bothering you, sweetie?” Seth said.

“I’m okay. I’m just tired.”

“Okay, then…” Seth uttered, not very convinced.

After dinner, I went to the courtyard. There wasn’t anyone there, which was a relief, since I didn’t want to talk to anyone. All I wanted was to get some fresh air and be alone for a while. I sat down at one of the benches and looked up at the sky. The moon and the stars faintly illuminated the courtyard, and the wind made the flowers sway gently. I took a deep breath and looked down at the floor. I was somehow still thinking about my secret, even though I tried to stop. I spent a few minutes trying and failing to forget about it, and I was getting more and more frustrated, but suddenly, a deep voice startled me.

“Ciel? What are you doing here?”

It was Ray, walking towards me. The moonlight made him look almost ethereal, and he had a serious expression on his face, as usual.

“Uh, nothing, I was just thinking…”

“About what?” he asked as he sat down next to me.

“It’s nothing important.” I said, avoiding his intense gaze.

“You still look sad. If it’s bothering you this much, you can just tell me.”

And then we both stayed silent. I looked away nervously, thinking about what I could possibly do to hide my thoughts and feelings. What do I even do? There’s no way I can tell him, I thought. I started to feel very tense, and I couldn’t bring myself to look into his eyes. My hands were firmly gripping the edge of the seat, and even though I tried to act calm, I definitely wasn’t doing a good job at it. After a few seconds, he spoke up.

Ray looked at me with a concerned expression on his face. “You know you can tell me if something happened, right?”

“Yes, but nothing happened.” I turned to face him again, looking into his emerald eyes. “Don’t worry, I’m fine.”

“Why don’t you tell me what you’re thinking, then?”

“I don’t know…”

I looked away again. I wanted to tell him, but I was scared. I didn’t like how I felt like I can’t tell anyone about me being nonbinary. But not knowing how he’d react scared me. Maybe I can tell him a little bit about how I’m feeling without revealing what I really am, I thought. I took a deep breath in an attempt to calm my nerves, and I gathered all of my courage to open up a little.

“There’s something about me that I haven’t told anyone.” I uttered. “And I don’t think I can tell anyone about it.”

“Why not?”

“It’s not something common. I don’t even know if it’s something you’ve ever heard of. I don’t know how you’d react if I told you.”

“I see.” He spoke calmly. “But you don’t need to worry about it. I won’t judge you for anything. I promise.”

“I still don’t know if I should tell you…”

“Is it really that hard to talk about?”

“Yes.”

As we talked, I gradually felt my anxiety lessen. Maybe I could tell him, if I ever get the courage to do so. He’s always calling me a weirdo, but maybe he won’t think I’m weird for being nonbinary. Maybe if I tell him and the others I’ll be accepted. I can tell by the look on his face that he cared about me, even though he usually doesn’t show it. It doesn’t make it any easier to talk about it, though. Once again, his calm voice broke the silence.

“Will you tell me someday?” he asked.

I thought about it for a few seconds. “I can’t promise you that I’ll tell you, but I think I’ll try.”

“Good. I’ll wait, then.” He said with a faint smile.