ED @lqnar - Tumblr Blog

Kinda want to kill myself

#kinda wont but #im in a chaotic period rn #like things are so so so bad #idk what to do honestly lmfao

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ok so whats up wit my brain

#anorexia is going wild insane absolutely unstoppable #trauma is yelling at me constantly #im exercising so much #i cant handle any of this tbh.

im in some kind of trauma hell wtf is up with me

#kind of hate this

dummy-daisy

“accidental” anal. i'm laying on my stomach and you're over me, pinning me down with your weight. your cock is pounding into my willing, wet pussy hole when it slips. there is no prep, just brute force, your hard cock, still wet from my other hole, pressing against the tight muscle, pain, then it gives in and you sink your length into my ass. you've planned this all along. you love the way my thightest hole grips your cock. how i tense and scream underneath you and you just hold me down and make me take it. you whisper your apologies into my ear as you force your cock in again and again. it just feels so good for you. you can't stop. it was just an accident, but i'm doing so well taking it. fuck, you're going to cum. you fuck me harder. accidentally.

ikarisbasement

rape but not just physically, mentally and emotionally too. someone u thought was trustworthy raping u thru a panic attack, forcing u to make eye contact, ignoring ur choked breathing and crying, grinning at u and explaining how they've always wanted to do this, how they triggered u on purpose, forcing more of their bodyweight on u as u continue hyperventilating

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ok so are you fucked for life if your trauma made you literally only interested in sex as long as it is non consensual or like can u fix that

#genuinely asking. my brain is so stupid.#like i know we have been there done that.#now let’s be into something fucking NORMAL please.#I wish I were into like… praise or normal submission or bondage or snything.#nope.#only thing I care about is being abused again.#and imagining thag.#this is why I’m currently celibate lmfao #likr I don’t care for cnc I just want nc no c #like genuinely actually abuse and destroy me and then I’ll deal with the damage.#thats whrre my mind is at. on a normal day.#thanks.

im actually insane

#@god pls fix my brain before i self destruct

ok but my app actually tells me today is day 1 of 7 of extreme insanity so can we be nice about it please

#you really get so many great ideas when youre ovulating and in a trauma spiral and also anorexic #like waowwww girlllll we did not need to think about these possibilities #get a soda and take a shower abd dont forget your antipsychotics #and then we can talk about how to recreate your childhood sexual abuse in adulthood abother time #jesus FUCKING christ im so sick of myself forever and ever and always

SHOULD I cut my stomach and make it ugly or should I just be normal for once

#I wish I had 0 scars but.#whatever.#i’ll always have ugly skin.#which is fine.#i survived a lot.#but whatever girl stfu I won’t cut my stomach it woumd ruin the aesthetics of my abs im workin #g on

vctmbtch-moved

its so hard being a tiny breedable thing and no one is bending me over and stuffing me full by force

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well what COULD be funny is that theoretically

#i was going to write something depressing about anorexia and trauma working together but i dont even care #new lw of this relapse btw. bmi 18.7.#which means i have lost 9 kg since mayb #like may 12th maybe it got bad idk i cant remmenererrrrrr

whats funny about rape is actually ntohing jut i was going to say. that. um.

ok so whats funny is thst youre a vhanged person forever snd notving will ever be normal or good? maybe? that could be what i was thinking

I’m in a worthless frame of mind right now and all i want to do is self destruct in every way possible but i can’t and i won’t so instead im ditting with horribl unbearable feelings. Also i have not taken my meds last night or tonight and maybe not the night before whoch means im off my antipssychotics again WHICH MEANS i get really strong urges to hurt myself

#which is fine and im normal about it

k so like im insane right

#trauma and anorexia scting up all at once #making me literally. just like. so gross.#im trying to be all teehee about it #impossible.#i hate sexuality i want to be nothing at all #i want to be untouched untouchable and also like. desired abd stuff #like the power in being hot and also no one being able to hurt you #and youre the only one hurting yourself bc anorexia and sh and whatever #like thatsssss where my head is st #jesus fucking christ can i go to therapy or something #anyway. im drinking alcohol

dafancyuhinspiration

i mean, you gotta give it to those american moms with jesus eat pray signs all over their kitchen to always have the worst design taste ever.

#so much effort for such an ugly result #the issue is not jesus #like the jesus sign #the issue is that their aesthetic is sooooo fucking ugly like i swear #american home design is bad enough as is with their clunky appliances. carpet. drywalls. all the architecture looks like THAT #you can immediately tell when a hone design photo is taken in america unless the owner is super rich and into international design #suburban mom. tupperware parties. eat pray love jesus. ugliest fuckass stuff youve ever seen #in the worst kitchen youve ever seen.#with dollar store containers. and cricut signs in the worst cursive.#like the effort is there. they are putting work into this.#too bad it just is sooooooooooo ugly. like so ugly. think id kill myself if i woke up in their lives #but thats because of their beer drinking manly husband and their gross children mckayla and mcjason #you can always take down the jesus sign.#the american grey vinyl wood floors are harder to get rid of though #god i hate american home design #SO MUCH

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it’s so much fun when your period is EARLY when you’re in a deep relapse like sorry did my body just call me a fat bitch. anyway i’ve only been relapsing for a month and a half so i GUESS. it’s like. well whatever. I didn’t fully lose it even at my lw either.

#16.5 btw #currently idk i was 18.9 before but i gained weight from this godforsaken curse of womanhood #so. whatever girliepops i’ll be a skinny legend soon enough.#anyway i love not being a gross man like it is legitimately one of the few joys in life that at least im not. that.#but if i were a man i wouldnt be gross but you know.#whatever. at least im cute.#i hate being treated like a woman but i would hate being a man #but i wouldnt mind being treated like a man and having the same place in society as men #hassssshhhhtag radical feminism #anyway im nonbinary did i mention that.

It’s like how the goo goo dolls said

#lowkey cant stand iris because some weirdo guy said the lyrics reminded him of me #because i self harmed. you bleed just to know you’re alive. you know. anyway he worked as a #children’s and teens psychiatrist. i was gonna write the correct word for pediatrician but idk if thats how it’s spelled and i almost wrote #paedotrician so i just. gave up. anyway he was a paedotrician because i was too young for him i might have been 15 but maybe 16. ANYWAY.#the point is.#I don’t want the workd to see me because I don’t think that they’d understand.#is like. legit my philosophy.#except for the world it is most ppl always abd forever even those in my life who get close to me #period.

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