lover boy vs humanity

my name's julian. i'm a 17 year old trans boy and i made this blog to hopefully be a positive space where i talk about trauma recovery, self-love, lessons i learned too late in life, and more. some things i'll be posting about navigating include neurodivergence, sexual trauma, transphobia, grief, cptsd, and the foster system.

i have so much value.

i am worthy.

i hold space.

i am beautiful.

i am important.

i am irreplaceable.

there is nothing i need to do to be worthy of love - i always was.

everything is working out in my favor.

there are 8 billion people on the planet - infinite opportunities.

i am grateful for my friends and family.

it's okay for me to make mistakes because i'm still learning.

i don't have to be perfect to be valuable.

I had a lot of trouble at first because my therapist said I'd benefit from practicing gratitude but I didn't really know where to start - I felt like I had so little to be grateful for.

Grounding Statements

When I'm having a panic attack, I usually get into a disaster mindset I can't calm down from. One thing that helps is making a template for self-grounding, which takes some of the pressure off bringing myself back to baseline. Here's mine!

my name is...

right now i am (location) and i'm safe in this moment because...

i live at...as of (move-in date).

i'm safe at home because...

i attend school/work at...i'm a (grade level/job title).

in practice: my name is julian. right now i'm in the restroom at a restaurant and i'm safe right now because my friends are outside. i live in an independent living program as of december 2022. i'm safe at home because everyone there is really nice to me. i attend high school as a junior.

This is something you can and should switch up as needed - it's supposed to bring you back to the present moment however works best for you! This template is what helps me as a foster kid with home instability, hence the emphasis on safety where I am and in my home :) Since I have this prepared, all I have to do is repeat these statements from where they're written down. I like keeping it open ended (the ... parts) so I have to think about it a little and therefore really process what I'm reading and saying.

Soothing Statements

Once I've calmed down a bit, I find it helpful to "assess the damage", and do something easy to clean up - look to the future and see what I can do to move forward.

one thing i'm grateful for is...

one thing i have to look forward to is...

one thing i can do today to feel less overwhelmed tomorrow is...

i am safe.

i deserve kindness.

i will give myself grace and patience for my mistakes.

i'm still a child, learning and growing more every day.

my healing journey began the minute i wanted it to.

my past does not define me, but rather what i choose to do about it today.

i have a bright future ahead of me.

everything happens for a reason, and until i understand it, i have faith in the universe that i'm on the right path.

today will be a great day.

i deserve grace and patience, so i will be kind to myself today.

i am beautiful.

i am valuable.

i am intelligent.

i am warm-hearted.

i am full of light.

i'm getting better every day.

i have a bright future ahead of me.

i have faith that i'm on the right path.

one thing they don't tell you about childhood trauma is the overflow effect it has on you when you move out.

for me, when everything was actively happening, i didn't even realize it. i adopted behaviors and mannerisms to cope with the trauma but i wasn't consciously aware of where they came from. i blocked out a lot of the details of what happened to me, so at a certain point it seemed like i was just struggling mentally for no apparent reason.

i stayed in chaotic/unhealthy environments until i moved into my own apartment as part of a foster care program in december. the trauma started hitting me all at once now that i had a safe space to process, and it's honestly almost worse than being at home or in a stressful placement. i jokingly named this my "healing era" because i could tell i was in so much pain as i gained all this self-awareness about what had happened to me and how it affects me today.

i've come to realize that i basically need to start from scratch - a lot of my perceptions of the world and myself are wildly unhealthy, and the worst part is that they're completely rational and organically developed for me. i cannot quiet my fears because a lot of them came true - abandonment (my family), betrayal (my friends), danger everywhere (s*xual ab*se). without a support system, comforting myself and teaching myself safety and stability has proven to be a massive challenge when i've really only ever known the world to be turbulent.

i've noticed much more hypervigilance and high sensitivity levels. i feel like during this time, the most i can do is try to stick to a self-care routine, work on healing my inner child, and get outside or hang out with positive people as much as i can. the rest is just riding it out - journaling and feeling what i need to feel. i'm hopeful that this means progress, as ugly as it feels - i keep thinking about the butterfly 'soup' stage or a snake shedding its skin, like i'm peeling back layers so i can reach the inner core and truly understand myself.

it's painful to finally feel this grief - the loss of a family i could've had, the mistreatment i suffered in relationships, the friends i lost in the midst of my suffering, the childhood i never got to have. realizing that i really did experience these traumatic experiences opened up a void for me - longing for things to be different and a lot of wondering why.