my name is brookelynne

 If memories change

Then do I change with them??

Because you changed me

You changed my outlook

On life

You

Taught me to breathe without bleeding

Because

You said if i bled every time i took a breath 

I would die

Surely

But super slowly

It would be like letting  my disorder

Take over

You breathe

But still you bleed 

If you

Let it control you

There will be very little brookelynne left

Cause this can kill you

But if it kills me what if there is nothing left 

Of me?

You made me 

Think i am better than i really am

So 

I continually break

Bleed

Cry

Miss the vein that i wanted to hit 

Keep missing my goal

But what is a goal

If we have no goal

Then when is it thin enough

When is it small enough

When can i stop

You tell me that i can stop now

But i cant stop at all

It's an addiction

You don't know me

It's a part of me

That i have no control over

You want me to stop

But i don't know how

What's the real cost of  me not stopping? Is it that bad?

It doesn’t change me 

I am still brookelynne

Just 

Different

But no one knows

That i cry myself to sleep

I have developed 

A 

Issue if that's what you want to call it

But 

If it comes back am i still me

Am i still breathing only to bleed 

Because i’m breathing

You say “the cost of you not stopping is your own life”

I say “what if that is exactly what i need to risk losing to be happy”

You say “when you are dead because of this it'll kill me”

I say “ you are not the one i am killing”

You say “but you doing this even after years of treatment”

I say “ there is no thin enough it is just an addiction”

You say “ this is going to kill you”

I say “ been doing this for about four years and i am not dead yet”

You say “ ok this is your choice you die because of this…”

I say “ if i die because of this what?”

I will have no more of you to remember 

And

Then the young innocence of me disappears

Because your gone

I made a promise

That 

I have a very hard time keeping

But

If i die 

You will never come home for me to see

It will happen after the fact that i am gone

And

Then my biggest fear you will have to find another 

Person that is exactly like me or

Not me at all

I will be forgotten in your little head eventually

If you haven't forgotten about me

Already 

I dont forget anything

So if you forget me that's proof that i don't matter

To anyone 

Or anything

After you left and 

I learned forever is 

Not a promise

That is easy

So 

I still cry myself to sleep

I don't hurt anyone but myself

If i go “disappear”

Would you “reappear” ?

Is my question

Because

I think i missed an act of this show

That i didn't see

Because

You see

I am not the same 

I am just some girl

Some emotional gothic chic

That he can easily

 Weird  science up a duplicate

If needed

Because i am ordinary

Nothing

Special  

Some say im 

The definition of perfection

But i am nothing close

 Am i even sane

Because 

You are the only thing in my mind

That is not school related 

Or put there 

By crista or jordan or miles

Or anyone else

All i do is draw and write now it is like 

I am gone and have became an art 

Machine

This is not me

All 

I do

So now 

What happens

To me 

If 

This is it

I wish i could just

Appear where you are

If this is me now

Then

How am I supposed to move on

Everything

Is changing

Around me

So now I have to learn to breathe

With out bleeding with out 

You

For now

If this needs to be said 

I think i should have said it 

Much sooner

The me you knew is

Here

But she's  gone

She is forever with you

Even if you are gone

The nights I spend crying 

Myself to sleep

Wishing i could just

Pick up the phone and call

I had your number memorized

But 

You disappeared like everyone else

In my life 

I am not mad at you

Nor was i ever 

And 

Nor will i ever be

It will take me 

Time while you have been gone

I have changed and

Some of it is for the 

Better  

Look

I have it under control

You used to tell me that

You told me that everything is or was going to be okay

But 

Where is the proof 

Of the fact that everything is ok

There is none

Because

I am not okay

Bleeding everytime I breathe 

Is the definition

Of what 

It is like to

Feel the way I feel 

It does not change

It does not get better

If i am ok right here right now

Then 

You would 

Be 

Safe

And 

I would know that you are

Ok

Because

No one tells me anything

I need to learn to bleed without the demand 

For blood

Here i am pouring it all

Out

Crying my eyes away 

Wishing 

Everything was ok

Because 

Its not

But take on  last deep breath 

Close your eyes

And 

Bleed from the breath one last time

Because 

It is not 

Real

Maybe it is just a dream

That you conjured up out of the shattered pieces of my memories…

If it was a dream…

To tell me that 

“ we can't have you causing the stress your causing us”

I said, “ its okay as long as we don't have to speak again”

Then she said, “ wow that is the kind of person you are”

I said, “ you are the girl who accused me of faking my entire life”

She said, “ your right i did say you are a fake and that is because you are”

I said, “ you don't know me you only see who i am at school and nothing else”

That night my little sister told mom

To take me to the ER

You were there

You were there for everything

The first time 

This was the first time 

The first time I had gone way to far

So mom threw me in the back 

Of the car

Because I literally could not understand 

Anything

All I remember

About it is waking up in the hospital bed 

And being shipped to 

RRH the next day 

Where I would spend

7 days learning 

Useless information 

On how to

Do the things that I am required

To do to 

There are still blood stains on

My favorite shoes

They are there because of you

You were not the kind of parent 

That nurtured a child 

But

Instead 

You forced me to grow up

Without the things that come with growing up 

You were like a brother to me 

You dated the person that was basically

My sister

So I was technically 

Your little sister for a while

You used me 

To get closer and closer to her 

So you almost drove me to suicide 

You pretended to care

But the second 

I disappear for good

You stop caring 

And 

I can’t even say how much I

HATE

What you did

So thank you for hurting 

Her 

She will never be the same

Your the reason I got so blue

Everything I did I did it because I was sick 

Of the abuse

Sick of you

Sick of the both of you

The day you wrapped your hands around my neck

I still flash back to every single bad memory we shared 

Trauma because of the 2 of you

I don’t write what I write to hurt you

I do it to help me

Is not when everyone thought

The first time was

It was  thanksgiving

I had just gotten 

Home from

My grandparents house

Whent to my room

Grabbed a needle

Then I cut up my arms 

Till all you could see

Was the cuts

Though they weren't very deep

You could still tell that

They were not put there on 

A

C

C

I

D

E

N

She was alone and that

She would never be

The normal kid 

She screams

“MOM”

But no one comes

She begins to sob even more

“ I know that I’ll never make it”

She became older 

Then 

It all changed and grew

It got so much better

No one used to care for her 

But now she has 

People who care for her

She learned that 

Its okay to not be okay

But

It's not okay to stay that way

So 

She had to learn that 

Hope is a choice 

Not something that

Just comes

So 

She still cries herself to sleep

Because she is stressed 

But

She is better than before

   You told everyone that I was just a joke

That i was a psychopath

But

Wasn’t it you that 

Tired me till 

The end

I still can’t breathe

I’m still shaking

Still crying

Because of the things that you did

Not only to me 

But 

To many others

                  I wonder why?

Is it just me that sees it..

I miss talking to you till I fall asleep...

What happens if you come back 

                  And

Your little princess is not here anymore                 

      What if I go off and change…

      I dyed my hair dark brown

               Now all I see is you

Wishes aren’t going to get me anywhere