NANA ♡

Oh, his voice. His warm, comforting voice.

Without noticing, you bit your lower lip to stop a pained smile from growing on your lips.

"It's just a minor injury, Beomgyu, nothing big enough to keep me and Night apart," you forced yourself to reply.

The noise of the doors of the stable falling shut made you look up from Night, but you didn't turn around. You didn't need to because you already knew why he closed them, you already knew what was coming.

The clicking of Beomgyu's boots coming in contact with the floor neared and you closed your eyes the moment you felt his muscular arms sneak around your waist and pull you into his chest.

"Does it still hurt?" he mumbled in your ear before pressing his lips onto the skin just below your ear lobe in a soft kiss.

"No," you replied earnestly, "not anymore.”

You wondered if he knew you were not just talking about your injury from when you fell off the new horse last week. You wondered if he knew nothing hurt anymore the moment you were in his arms, the moment his lips would become one with your own.

Beomgyu replied by tightening his grip on your body, and you craned your neck to face him. His lips were only a few inches from yours and his warm breath fanning your mouth made your insides do summersaults. Your eyes flickered from his plush, rosy lips to his dark eyes and you found them already looking into yours.

"You look beautiful," he whispered as if scared someone would hear him in the empty stable. You knew he was not, but if he really was afraid, his fear wouldn't be misplaced.

Figuratively, the two of you were never alone. Your love was never alone. Threats surrounded it every moment of its existence, like the prying eyes of a lion watching an innocent deer.

Your love was simply not allowed to exist.

Beomgyu leaned in with hooded eyes and you knew when his warm lips touched yours, your love was not allowed to exist. You knew your love wasn't allowed to exist when you slowly turned in his arms and placed your hands on his abdomen before letting them make their way up to his neck and then into his hair. You knew your love wasn't allowed to exist when he pulled away slightly to repeat: "You're so beautiful."

You were so aware it wasn't allowed to exist.

And still, you leaned in again. Again and again and again, capturing his lips with your own, your cheeks red and your heartbeat rapid. Because loving Beomgyu was more than you had ever dreamed of. It was easy, exciting, and comforting. No other feeling compared to being in love with Choi Beomgyu, the stable boy of the palace.

You slowly pulled away and watched the way Beomgyu licked his lips with his eyes still shut, the eyelashes that just tickled your cheeks with every movement his lips made now hovering over the pale skin of his cheekbones.

"You say that every time you see me, Moon Boy," you smiled shyly when his eyes opened and made contact with yours.

"Because you're the prettiest thing I know," he replied as if it was the most logical response to your question.

"What about the moon?" You quipped, your cheeks starting to hurt from the way you were fighting back the smile on your face.

No one loved the moon as much as Beomgyu did, hence the nickname you gave him a while ago.

Beomgyu let out a breathy chuckle. "The moon is a close second. But honestly, she doesn't stand a chance next to you. She doesn't shine half as bright as your smile does when you look at me, love," he murmured and softly nipped at your lower lip before leaving another peck in the corner of your mouth.

With your cheeks now on fire, you felt yourself almost weaken in his hold.

The impact this man had on you.

"Gyu..." you whispered shyly and tightened your grip on his shoulders.

"What is it, love?" he replied, a facade of innocence coloring his perfectly sculpted face before a teasing smile broke through

"Beomgyu!" You repeated embarrassedly before placing your hands on your cheeks to cool them off, suddenly grateful your hands were always cold.

Beomgyu positioned his hands over yours, cupping your face and pecking the tip of your nose. "I love it when you get shy— I love it when I am the reason you get shy."

You closed your eyes and chuckled. "You really know how to fluster me, Choi."

He let out a heartfelt laugh and stepped back before flipping his hair jokingly and giving you a prideful smile. "Look at that, people, the simple stable boy of the palace made the future queen of the country flustered, isn't that just mad?" He uttered as if addressing an entire crowd before turning back to look into your sparkling eyes, and he bit his lower lip, "I think I made it."

You giggled before raising your chin and painting the familiar 'princess face' onto your features.

The face - the facade - you only put on whenever you had to be that part of you, when you had to be the princess of the palace, the future queen of the country.

"I certainly believe you won the lottery, my good sir Choi Beomgyu," you responded, the royalty of your being suddenly evident in the tone of your voice, and Beomgyu bowed for you with a large smile on his face.

"I believe so too, my queen," he replied, and your cheeks heated up.

You indeed were his queen, well, his future queen. You were the future queen of everyone in this country. But when Beomgyu said my queen, you knew the pronoun had a different weight. You knew you were his, more than you were anyone's.

You placed a hand under Beomgy's chin, raising him from his bow. His mouth was shut but his eyes, locked with yours, were saying everything.

"I love you, Beomgyu," you murmured, the words coming straight from your heart. Sometimes it felt like your entire heart was beating just for the boy in front of you.

The boy who was once just the stable boy to you.

Loving him was so familiar to you that sometimes you forgot just how forbidden it was. How shameful and revolting the idea would be to others.

And although you never wanted to let the thought sit in your head for longer than a second, the fear someone would ever find out what was happening inside the stables still clawed at your mind, at your heart. You didn't want Beomgyu to see it, but you knew he was aware of your fear.

But still, even though he did worry for your name and reputation in the palace sometimes, he never, not once, feared for his own life. He never doubted his actions. He would never stop loving you even if that would mean a safer life for him. You were his life. He made that clear to you after you tried to push him away and end what was between you multiple times in fear for his life.

You had tried so hard, were so harsh and degrading to him. All to make him stay away from you, to give him a safe, peaceful life.

But Beomgyu never had anything to lose. He didn't have any family to take care of after he lost them in a fire seven years ago.

He had never cared about anything or anyone after their death.

Until he met you. You had given him a new reason to keep on wanting to live, you were his lifeline.

Beomgyu cupped your face with one hand and stroked your cheek with his fingers, the skin slightly calloused due to his hard work in the stables.

"My princess..." he whispered, his warm breath fanning your lips.

Princess.

Like a sudden burst of thunder, the recollection of why you came to the stables appeared in your mind. A quick wave of nausea rushed through your body and you froze.

Beomgyu and his dreamy eyes had immediately distracted you the second he entered the place, but the harsh, cold reality was now hauling you out of your warm, utopian dreams with full force.

Beomgyu was just going to reconnect his parted lips with your own when he noticed the way the light in your eyes faded, the way your shoulders tensed up and your chin raised.

"Is... is everything, okay, princess?"

Princess.

A princess who would soon have to marry a prince.

A real prince. Not one who had a royal and golden heart.

No, a prince with royal blood.

"Yn?"

Beomgyu's soft voice slowly turned stern and serious as he brushed some strands of hair out of your face with his slender fingers.

"Beomgyu, we need to talk."

Your voice suddenly sounded so distant in your ears and Beomgyu swallowed, the carefree expression slowly falling off his face. As if he knew.

You took a step back, and Beomgyu's eyes flickered up and down, examining the space between you two with a furrow in his thick, dark eyebrows.

You took a deep breath and mentally and physically prepared yourself. Prepared to tell him the feared truth that had been haunting every part of your mind and heart since yesterday.

"Beomgyu, I..."

Your voice died down in your throat.

Because you saw the confused expression on Beomgyu's face fall.

Every emotion that was in his face just a few seconds ago disappeared, and slowly, his shoulders slumped.

And that was when you realized where his eyes were fixated on.

The weight on your finger.

The engagement ring.

The outer ends of Beomgyu's eyebrows drooped and he cocked his head to the side.

"Since when?" His voice was strained and suddenly so unfamiliar to you.

"Yesterday," you replied quietly and tried to control the anxiety rushing through your body.

Beomgyu swallowed and took a step back before running a hand through his hair.

"God, wow, I-" he swallowed again and your entire body ached to hold him, to let him know there would never be another man for you.

"Beomgyu, I want us to run away-"

"Congratulations."

You could almost taste the bitterness in his voice as he interrupted you and returned his stare to you.

"What?"

You took a step in his direction but he instantly stepped back. He might as well punched you in the gut—it probably would have hurt less.

Tears filled your eyes. "Beomgyu, didn't you hear what I said? We need to run away."

Beomgyu shook his head.

"Congratulations, Yn... on your engagement," he murmured, completely disregarding your words as if still in disbelief.

You saw the small shake in his hand as he brought it to his mouth, the back of it against his lips as if wiping away the touch of yours.

Your vision became blurry due to the salty tears pooling in your eyes.

"I know you think running away is a bad idea, but-"

"You should leave," he said, his voice almost monotone.

You snapped.

"Listen to me! If we were to leave tonight, we could make it to the forest by the morning. Beomgyu, we can run away."

Finally, you seemed to grasp his attention. But sadly you did not receive the response you were waiting for.

"And then where to?" He exclaimed, the emotion returning to his voice. An emotion easily to be described as hopelessness.

"Yn, we both know this is impossible. They will find us. They will kill me immediately and take you back to the palace. It will destroy your reputation, the possibility of becoming a queen-"

"I don't want to be a queen!" You cried out. "I don't want to be a queen and I don't want to marry that man. I haven't even properly talked to him ever! I can't marry anyone who is not you… I- I can't do it."

"You have to." His voice was suddenly small, fragile.

Shaking your head hastily, tears fell from your cheeks. "No, I want to stay here with you," you managed to choke out through the tears. "I want you to hold me-"

"I can't do that. Not anymore.”

Though his voice was unsteady, his words hit you with full force and your jaw almost dropped.

"What are you saying?" You breathed, your mind not able to wrap around his words.

"Yn, you-" his lower lip trembled, "you are another man's fiancé now. You... you belong to someone else."

Disbelief dripped off your features. This could not be happening.

"Beomgyu, you know I do not feel anything for him."

"Stop," Beomgyu muttered, his eyes averting from you again.

You shook your head hastily and walked up to the boy. "No! You know I do not love this man-"

"Yn, stop," he repeated, taking small steps back as if trying to hide from the horrible truth.

"The only man I love and will ever love is you!" You exclaimed, your voice now borderline hysterical as tears fell from your eyes.

"Stop it," Beomgyu barked just as you were going to touch him, and you staggered back, shock overtaking your features.

Never had Beomgyu raised his voice at you before. Never had his voice dripped such venom.

And never had he refused your touch.

The seconds you and Beomgyu stared at each other in silence felt like years. His eyes were ablaze and his chest heaved up and down with heavy, angry breaths.

Stop crying.

You straightened your back and raised your chin.

Stop crying, Yn.

You didn't bother wiping your eyes, but you did paint a void expression on your face.

Stop crying and become the princess you are. The princess you're supposed to be.

"Very well." Your voice was incredibly calm all of a sudden. "Then I will go."

"But you..." you raised your hand to point your index finger at him as you held his stare, "... you are a coward, Beomgyu. One I never knew you were."

With that, you exited the stables. And you decided you would not look over your shoulder to give him a last glance.

Sunlight pressed against your eyelids, awakening you from your short sleep.

After dismissing your servant last night, you cried for hours until the exhaustion from your heavy heart pulled you into a slumber full of nightmares.

You sat up on your bed, and the recollection of yesterday's events washed over you.

This wasn't how it could end. You couldn't allow the beautiful love you had with Beomgyu to end this way.

If it was up to you, you weren't planning on ending it at all.

But Beomgyu... Beomgyu had pushed you away. He yelled at you. He ordered you to leave.

Tears pooled in your swollen eyes once again.

You were angry with him. So incredibly angry he let go of you that easily, yelled at you like you meant nothing at all to him.

The Beomgyu you loved would never let things escalate like this, he would never want to hurt you.

Not unless he had a reason so good it was worth the pain that hurting you caused him.

A reason.

Your lips parted and your eyebrows furrowed together. Realization clicked in your mind like a match being lit.

And suddenly everything was clear as day.

You pushed yourself off your bed, your heartbeat speeding up. With quick but shaky hands you dressed yourself, not bothering to wait for your servant. There was no time to lose.

Having to act like nothing was wrong when walking through the large halls of the castle was a bigger struggle than you expected it to be.

There was no one who was able to control her emotions the way you could, on both the inside and the outside. Speaking in front of thousands and thousands of civilians? Nothing. Being scolded by your father, the king? Not a thing.

But when it came to Beomgyu... The moment something involved him, you became completely and utterly undone.

Swallowing the lump in your throat, you made your way outside and the moment the chilly air kissed your skin, you finally dared to pick up your pace.

How had you not realized this yesterday? How had you not noticed Beomgyu was trying to make things easier? Easier for you.

Losing someone you were angry with was easier than someone you loved. That was what Beomgyu had once told you many months ago when you were laying in his arms in the hay of the stables. He truly believed in that. And so he was trying to make you hate him now. Beomgyu believed it would make marrying the prince easier for you.

The thought had you almost stumbling over a patch of loose grass.

You could not bear the thought of Beomgyu thinking you hated him. Never in a million lifetimes could you hate Choi Beomgyu. And if you were to lose him, if he were to lose you, you wanted him to know you still loved him with every inch of your being.

Beomgyu wasn't allowed to think you loved him any less, or would ever love him any less.

Every thought entering your mind was scarier and more anxious than the one before and you didn't even notice you had been running until you threw open the doors of the stables.

Silence met your panting figure and your eyes flickered from left to right.

"Choi Beomgyu?"

Your anxious heart picked up its pace some more and you stepped inside.

"Beomgyu?"

Swallowing, you straightened your back. "Choi Beomgyu? I demand you to show your face!"

A rustle sounded from somewhere deeper in the stables and your eyes brightened when footsteps neared.

"Oh, Beomgyu, I need to-"

Your voice died down in your throat when sunlight hit the face of the person and you realized the man nearing was not Beomgyu. He was wearing similar clothes and was about the same height, but that was where the resemblance stopped with your lover.

The face of the boy morphed into one showcasing utter shock when he noticed whose presence he was in and he immediately dropped to one knee, lowering his face. "Oh, Your Majesty, my deepest apologies, I did not realize it was you."

His words did not get to you. A foggy wall of thoughts surrounded your entire mind.

"Who are you?" Your voice sounded far away.

"I-I am the new stable boy of the palace, Your Majesty. I started this morning," the boy rambled with his head still hung low.

A frown pulled your eyebrows down and you took a shaky step back.

It was your fingers that started trembling first, then your hands, and eventually your entire body followed with every step you took until your back hit the wall of the stables.

"I..." A ragged breath fell from your lips before you turned around and your feet seemed to start moving out of their own, back to the palace.

A feeling heavier, scarier, and darker than the worst anxiety you had ever felt penetrated your veins as you ran over the field.

Your servant, Rina, caught your panting figure when you entered the hall, and a worried expression painted her face. "Your Majesty?"

"Where is my father?” You almost barked, not being able to calm down even to your servant whom you were close with.

"What-"

"The king, where is he? Where is my father?" You repeated, now looking Rina in the eyes.

"He is in his office. Yn, what is wrong?" She whispered the last part, so no one else would hear her informal way of addressing you.

"Later," you breathed before making your way to the office of the king of the country.

You were aware you were acting unhinged, and you knew you were supposed to knock and ask for permission before entering any room your father was in, but your care for those formalities was nowhere to be found now.

The doors flew open when you burst through them, but surprisingly, it did not startle your father in the slightest bit.

As if he was expecting you.

"Why did you get the palace a new stable boy? Why replace our old one?" Your breathing was heavy.

"Yn," your father greeted you without looking up from the papers he was skimming through.

"Father, please answer my question."

"You asked two questions."

"Father!"

The six-foot-five man pushed himself off the chair and placed his hands on the desk, finally looking up at you.

"Yn, take a seat."

The stern look in his eyes held you from fighting back, and you sat down opposite of him. Folding your hands over each other, you tried to hide the shaking.

The king held eye contact with you and examined your every feature before slowly shaking his head.

"Oh, Yn, I was so convinced you were an intelligent young woman. So much knowledge about all sorts of things... and then you..." he sighed in disappointment.

“My daughter, did you really believe no one would find out?"

Freezing cold air wrapped itself around your body and squeezed until breathing became the hardest thing to do. You had to grip the edge of the table to not lose your balance.

Pretend, Yn. Pretend you don't know what he is talking about.

You couldn't. You were a canvas of emotions, out in the open, for anyone to see.

"Where is he?" you managed to whisper, your lips and mouth suddenly so dry that even talking became a struggle.

Your father stared at you with a stern expression on his face for what felt like an eternity, examining your every emotion until his eyebrows drew together. As if he found things he wasn't expecting to find in your eyes.

His own eyes softened.

"Oh, Yn... how could you have let it come this far."

"Father, answer me. Is he-"

The king nodded.

"He is in The Hold. The execution will be tomorrow morning."

No.

The words extracted all of the air left in your lungs and a hand flew to your mouth as bile rose in your throat.

No.

Shaking your head you pushed yourself up, the chair tumbling over and hitting the marble floor with a loud thud.

"A lie..." you breathed in disbelief. "You are lying."

With wide eyes you stepped back, feeling more nauseous with every second passing.

Please, no.

"Yn, you know the rules. A guard found out, and so if I do not take action, I will be breaking palace rules. I am the King-"

"I don't care that you're a king!" You squawked, startling even your father.

Your heavy breathing and shaking hands made the king frown in worry.

"You could be the ruler of the entire world and still...." You shook your head once more, "and still, father, I promise, all I will ever see in you is a monster if you proceed with this." The venom in your breaking voice made the king clench his jaw and look away.

"Yn, you know I can't change anything about this. You know it.”

You did.

You knew it.

"Take me to the hold."

Your father looked up at you and watched the tears you hadn't even noticed yourself roll over your cheeks.

"I do not want you to see him. Not... like this." His last words were almost too quiet for you to hear. Almost.

Your stomach churned and your knees turned into jelly, making you stumble on your legs.

"Take me to him. Now."

A long silence fell over the office and your father seemed to consider all his options before finally letting out a sigh.

"Guards. Take the princes to the hold."

With shaky legs, you descended the endless stairs of stone. The clicking of your heels coming in contact with the cold steps sounded like a ticking clock. And maybe that was what all of this was. A ticking time bomb, waiting to explode. Waiting for you to lose him forever.

Nothing felt real. A part of you was convinced that you were still sleeping, that this was a nightmare.

The droplets of water gliding down the stony walls and hitting the ground was the only thing you could hear the minutes you walked down the stairs. It was the only thing you could focus on to not completely lose your mind there and then.

There was no space or time for you to fall apart now. You had to see Beomgyu. You had to speak to him.

After what felt like an eternity, you reached the last step of the stairs and entered the place you had always hated the most in the palace. The Hold.

The guards were about to guide you to the prison cell Beomgyu was in when you halted your steps.

"Let me go alone."

Your voice was stern and cold, and the sentries knew not to disagree. So they nodded and took a step back.

The seconds of walking to the cell at the end of the Hold felt like walking through quicksand, and with every moment passing, fear grew inside of you.

You weren't ready to see him, not in the state he was going to be in.

But what you felt did not matter, because this was Beomgyu. The man you loved most. You needed to see him.

And so you finally took the last step.

Your body froze in place when your eyes fell on the boy, sitting in the corner of the cramped prison cell, knees pulled up to his chest and arms wrapped around them.

The blood in your veins seemed to solidify and your nostrils flared, tears immediately pooling your eyes.

Ever since the moment you were born, you never had an easy life.

At the age of seven you had to say goodbye to your grandma who had been your best friend since birth. Then, at the age of fifteen, you had lost the person dearest to you, your mother. And through all of this, you had to continue learning how to rule the country in the future, how to be the queen your people needed one day.

There was no option for you but to follow the orders you had been given your entire life, no space for you to decide what you wanted or didn’t want.

Your life was so decided for you, that you never felt any control over any action or decision you had to make—over anything that happened to you.

And so one day, at the age of eighteen, you decided you would take full power over the one thing no other human being was able to take control of: your feelings.

Thus after your mother’s death, you decided nothing and no one would ever be able to break you that bad anymore. You were determined to never let yourself love so much again—never let yourself become so vulnerable again.

You had been so convinced you would succeed in fullfilling those expectations of yourself.

But now, looking at your wounded lover in the dark vault of the palace, you realized that no experience, no determination, no nothing could’ve prepared you for the absolute agony you felt in this exact moment.

This was worse than the most horrifying nightmare you had ever seen. A million times worse.

Never had Beomgyu looked this small—this fragile and broken.

Though you couldn't see his face, his arms were visible due to the ripped long-sleeve shirt. Dark blue bruises and bloody wounds covered the pale skin, making your hands tremble.

With shaky steps, you neared the cell and it was only when you were in front of the cold bars, that Beomgyu noticed there was a new presence in the Hold.

And some selfish part of you wished he had never heard you. Because what came into your view when he looked up made your jaw drop and breathing hitch in your throat. You lost any strength left in your body and fell to your knees, not even feeling the hit on your skin as it came in contact with the hard floor.

"Yn?"

Immediate sobs fell from your mouth at the sound of his hoarse voice.

"God, Beomgyu," you croaked, not being able to believe what the guards had done to him.

Dried blood stuck to the corner of his lips and under his nose, a still open cut grazed his cheekbone and eyebrow. His left eye was almost completely closed due to the blue swelling.

"What have they done? What... What have I done?" You asked, more to yourself than to the boy in front of you.

"Yn, calm down," Beomgyu whispered as he dragged himself across the ground toward the bars where you were leaning against.

His soft voice only made your sobs grow louder, and your head started to pound so badly that you wondered if you were going to pass out here and now.

"My love, please don't cry." With steady hands, he grabbed yours through the bars and folded them over his lap. "It's alright."

Shaking your head hastily, you started repeating the word no like it was a mantra before inhaling sharply. "It's everything but alright. Nothing about this is alright. This cannot be happening, this has to be a nightmare."

Beomgyu looked at you with tears in his eyes and realized none of the bruises on his body or face hurt as much as his heart seeing you in this state. You were hysterical—losing it, almost.

"My love, my sweet girl, please steady your breathing, please," Beomgyu uttered, searching for your eyes. When he noticed he could not get to you, he let go of your hands and grabbed your face, forcing you to look at him.

Your eyes widened and your sobbing halted for a second, giving Beomgyu just enough time to bring you back to earth with his familiar dark eyes.

"My beautiful princess. Breathe in and out with me, alright? Can you do that for me?" He asked with an encouraging smile, and you pressed your lips together to hold back another cry before nodding.

The black-haired boy took a deep breath and raised his eyebrows at you—a sign for you to follow him.

Mirroring Beomgyu, you inhaled and exhaled deeply.

After a minute, the feeling you were about to have a heart attack started to die down, and you regained the ability to think and talk.

In silence, you stared at your lover and another tear rolled down your cheek. Beomgyu leaned forward and took your chin in his hand before bringing you closer to the bars—close enough to be able to kiss the tear away.

You closed your eyes at the feeling of his slightly chapped lips on your skin, savoring every second of it.

"I'm so sorry," you finally managed to whisper.

"What for, my love?" Beomgyu asked, shaking his head slowly as he took your hands in his own once more.

"For..." you shrugged, staring at the bruises on his arms and fighting the urge to start bawling again. "For everything they've done to you. For causing-"

"Stop." This was the sternest Beomgyu had sounded the entire time you were in the Hold, and it made you return your stare to his eyes.

"But this is my-"

"Yn, if you finish your sentence, I will not forgive you for saying that," he stated, not breaking eye contact.

"Never in your entire life will you have to apologize for allowing me to love you, for blessing me with the chance to feel your love," he shook his head, his eyes softening at the remembrance of your love, "I got to experience - feel - it all. Do you think I believed I would get it for free?" The question left an honest smile on his lips but brought the corners of yours down.

"And if death is the price I'm paying, then I can consider myself a lucky man," he finished, rubbing circles - or hearts - on the back of your hands.

The outer ends of your eyebrows drooped. "I don't understand... what could there be worse than death?"

The smile on Beomgyu's face grew and even reached his eyes. "Having to live without you."

You shut your eyes and let your head drop, not being able to look at him anymore as your shoulders started shaking. And in that moment you believed you would never stop crying again in your entire life.

Shuffling noises behind you indicated your time was almost over, and Beomgyu's eyes flickered to the guards behind you before returning to your small frame.

"I love you, my moon. My beautiful, bright, and wonderful moon," Beomgyu uttered, and if a voice could feel like a warm hug, it would be his voice, right there and then.

He brought your hands to his lips and pressed ten, twenty kisses on your knuckles.

"Gyu," you cried softly but Beomgyu only left more kisses on your hands and then on the inside of your wrists.

"Yn, look at me, please."

Slowly, you raised your head and looked at Beomgyu with bloodshot eyes, letting him know you were listening. Your eyelashes were stuck together and your dress was soaked due to the flood of tears, but you were listening.

"Promise me one thing."

"Anything," you rasped.

Beomgyu swallowed and fought to not let his eyebrows droop.

"You will move on."

Shaking your head, you exhaled. "But Beom-"

"No, Yn, you have to promise me. You have to promise me you will not blame yourself, promise me you will remember me with a happy and calm heart, promise me you will never feel guilty." He tightened his grip on your hands. He was begging.

"Yn, promise me you will move on."

Silence engulfed the Hold as your eyes took his face in, and with all your might you tried to paint him on a canvas in your mind, leaving out all the deformations the guards had caused on him. In the past years you had never dared to paint the boy due to the fear someone would find the painting.

But now he was facing the same fate he would've had if someone were to find the painting, and so in that moment, staring at Beomgyu in his prison cell, you regretted it. You regretted never painting him. You regretted it so much that you had no other option but to give Beomgyu the answer he deserved—the answer he needed.

"I promise."

Once the words left your mouth, Beomgyu exhaled and tears started falling from his eyes. But his eyes were not sad.

No, he was crying tears of relief, of happiness.

And so you continued. "I promise I will move on. I promise I will become happy again and I promise I will never forget you. I will remember you as a beautiful part of my existence. I will not remember you by your death."

Your death.

The words seemed to belong to someone else.

It could not be you saying these words, not to Beomgyu.

And still, it was you. And the words were addressed to Choi Beomgyu.

"Thank you so much, my princess," Beomgyu smiled, bringing your hands to his mouth once more to leave a long kiss. "Thank you for everything. I love you so much.”

"Beomgyu, I-"

"Princess, our apologies, but it is time to go. The king has ordered us to come and get you."

Your heart leaped and bile rose to your throat at the voice of the guard.

"No," you quietly breathed before repeating the word, this time louder.

"Princess-"

Your head cocked to the side to give the sentries a deadly glare. "No!" You barked.

But an order was an order. And so the sentries started walking up to you, causing you to hysterically grip the bars.

"Beomgyu!" you cried, pressing your face against the steel to be as close to him as possible for the last time.

Tears rolled down Beomgyu's bruised cheeks but with a calm hand, he softly stroked your wet cheek. "I love you," he whispered again. "I love you forever."

The guards gently placed their hands under your arms and the moment they started lifting you, you started screaming.

You were completely hysteric.

Because you knew.

This was the last time you would ever see your person.

Beomgyu pushed himself off the ground and took a step back, not being able to say anything anymore.

His sad eyes were on you as you kicked and yelled, trying with all your might to yank your body away from the guards and back to Beomgyu.

From that moment on everything seemed to become a blur. A dark, quiet, and foggy blur.

You remembered screaming your lover's name. And you remembered his eyes looking into yours, his hands gripping the bars, tears wetting his lips.

And you remembered the way your head was starting to become too heavy to hold up.

But just a couple of seconds before your body gave up on you and everything turned black in front of your eyes, you realized there was one thing you couldn't remember.

Oh, his voice. His warm, comforting voice.

Without noticing, you bit your lower lip to stop a pained smile from growing on your lips.

"It's just a minor injury, Beomgyu, nothing big enough to keep me and Night apart," you forced yourself to reply.

The noise of the doors of the stable falling shut made you look up from Night, but you didn't turn around. You didn't need to because you already knew why he closed them, you already knew what was coming.

The clicking of Beomgyu's boots coming in contact with the floor neared and you closed your eyes the moment you felt his muscular arms sneak around your waist and pull you into his chest.

"Does it still hurt?" he mumbled in your ear before pressing his lips onto the skin just below your ear lobe in a soft kiss.

"No," you replied earnestly, "not anymore.”

You wondered if he knew you were not just talking about your injury from when you fell off the new horse last week. You wondered if he knew nothing hurt anymore the moment you were in his arms, the moment his lips would become one with your own.

Beomgyu replied by tightening his grip on your body, and you craned your neck to face him. His lips were only a few inches from yours and his warm breath fanning your mouth made your insides do summersaults. Your eyes flickered from his plush, rosy lips to his dark eyes and you found them already looking into yours.

"You look beautiful," he whispered as if scared someone would hear him in the empty stable. You knew he was not, but if he really was afraid, his fear wouldn't be misplaced.

Figuratively, the two of you were never alone. Your love was never alone. Threats surrounded it every moment of its existence, like the prying eyes of a lion watching an innocent deer.

Your love was simply not allowed to exist.

Beomgyu leaned in with hooded eyes and you knew when his warm lips touched yours, your love was not allowed to exist. You knew your love wasn't allowed to exist when you slowly turned in his arms and placed your hands on his abdomen before letting them make their way up to his neck and then into his hair. You knew your love wasn't allowed to exist when he pulled away slightly to repeat: "You're so beautiful."

You were so aware it wasn't allowed to exist.

And still, you leaned in again. Again and again and again, capturing his lips with your own, your cheeks red and your heartbeat rapid. Because loving Beomgyu was more than you had ever dreamed of. It was easy, exciting, and comforting. No other feeling compared to being in love with Choi Beomgyu, the stable boy of the palace.

You slowly pulled away and watched the way Beomgyu licked his lips with his eyes still shut, the eyelashes that just tickled your cheeks with every movement his lips made now hovering over the pale skin of his cheekbones.

"You say that every time you see me, Moon Boy," you smiled shyly when his eyes opened and made contact with yours.

"Because you're the prettiest thing I know," he replied as if it was the most logical response to your question.

"What about the moon?" You quipped, your cheeks starting to hurt from the way you were fighting back the smile on your face.

No one loved the moon as much as Beomgyu did, hence the nickname you gave him a while ago.

Beomgyu let out a breathy chuckle. "The moon is a close second. But honestly, she doesn't stand a chance next to you. She doesn't shine half as bright as your smile does when you look at me, love," he murmured and softly nipped at your lower lip before leaving another peck in the corner of your mouth.

With your cheeks now on fire, you felt yourself almost weaken in his hold.

The impact this man had on you.

"Gyu..." you whispered shyly and tightened your grip on his shoulders.

"What is it, love?" he replied, a facade of innocence coloring his perfectly sculpted face before a teasing smile broke through

"Beomgyu!" You repeated embarrassedly before placing your hands on your cheeks to cool them off, suddenly grateful your hands were always cold.

Beomgyu positioned his hands over yours, cupping your face and pecking the tip of your nose. "I love it when you get shy— I love it when I am the reason you get shy."

You closed your eyes and chuckled. "You really know how to fluster me, Choi."

He let out a heartfelt laugh and stepped back before flipping his hair jokingly and giving you a prideful smile. "Look at that, people, the simple stable boy of the palace made the future queen of the country flustered, isn't that just mad?" He uttered as if addressing an entire crowd before turning back to look into your sparkling eyes, and he bit his lower lip, "I think I made it."

You giggled before raising your chin and painting the familiar 'princess face' onto your features.

The face - the facade - you only put on whenever you had to be that part of you, when you had to be the princess of the palace, the future queen of the country.

"I certainly believe you won the lottery, my good sir Choi Beomgyu," you responded, the royalty of your being suddenly evident in the tone of your voice, and Beomgyu bowed for you with a large smile on his face.

"I believe so too, my queen," he replied, and your cheeks heated up.

You indeed were his queen, well, his future queen. You were the future queen of everyone in this country. But when Beomgyu said my queen, you knew the pronoun had a different weight. You knew you were his, more than you were anyone's.

You placed a hand under Beomgy's chin, raising him from his bow. His mouth was shut but his eyes, locked with yours, were saying everything.

"I love you, Beomgyu," you murmured, the words coming straight from your heart. Sometimes it felt like your entire heart was beating just for the boy in front of you.

The boy who was once just the stable boy to you.

Loving him was so familiar to you that sometimes you forgot just how forbidden it was. How shameful and revolting the idea would be to others.

And although you never wanted to let the thought sit in your head for longer than a second, the fear someone would ever find out what was happening inside the stables still clawed at your mind, at your heart. You didn't want Beomgyu to see it, but you knew he was aware of your fear.

But still, even though he did worry for your name and reputation in the palace sometimes, he never, not once, feared for his own life. He never doubted his actions. He would never stop loving you even if that would mean a safer life for him. You were his life. He made that clear to you after you tried to push him away and end what was between you multiple times in fear for his life.

You had tried so hard, were so harsh and degrading to him. All to make him stay away from you, to give him a safe, peaceful life.

But Beomgyu never had anything to lose. He didn't have any family to take care of after he lost them in a fire seven years ago.

He had never cared about anything or anyone after their death.

Until he met you. You had given him a new reason to keep on wanting to live, you were his lifeline.

Beomgyu cupped your face with one hand and stroked your cheek with his fingers, the skin slightly calloused due to his hard work in the stables.

"My princess..." he whispered, his warm breath fanning your lips.

Princess.

Like a sudden burst of thunder, the recollection of why you came to the stables appeared in your mind. A quick wave of nausea rushed through your body and you froze.

Beomgyu and his dreamy eyes had immediately distracted you the second he entered the place, but the harsh, cold reality was now hauling you out of your warm, utopian dreams with full force.

Beomgyu was just going to reconnect his parted lips with your own when he noticed the way the light in your eyes faded, the way your shoulders tensed up and your chin raised.

"Is... is everything, okay, princess?"

Princess.

A princess who would soon have to marry a prince.

A real prince. Not one who had a royal and golden heart.

No, a prince with royal blood.

"Yn?"

Beomgyu's soft voice slowly turned stern and serious as he brushed some strands of hair out of your face with his slender fingers.

"Beomgyu, we need to talk."

Your voice suddenly sounded so distant in your ears and Beomgyu swallowed, the carefree expression slowly falling off his face. As if he knew.

You took a step back, and Beomgyu's eyes flickered up and down, examining the space between you two with a furrow in his thick, dark eyebrows.

You took a deep breath and mentally and physically prepared yourself. Prepared to tell him the feared truth that had been haunting every part of your mind and heart since yesterday.

"Beomgyu, I..."

Your voice died down in your throat.

Because you saw the confused expression on Beomgyu's face fall.

Every emotion that was in his face just a few seconds ago disappeared, and slowly, his shoulders slumped.

And that was when you realized where his eyes were fixated on.

The weight on your finger.

The engagement ring.

The outer ends of Beomgyu's eyebrows drooped and he cocked his head to the side.

"Since when?" His voice was strained and suddenly so unfamiliar to you.

"Yesterday," you replied quietly and tried to control the anxiety rushing through your body.

Beomgyu swallowed and took a step back before running a hand through his hair.

"God, wow, I-" he swallowed again and your entire body ached to hold him, to let him know there would never be another man for you.

"Beomgyu, I want us to run away-"

"Congratulations."

You could almost taste the bitterness in his voice as he interrupted you and returned his stare to you.

"What?"

You took a step in his direction but he instantly stepped back. He might as well punched you in the gut—it probably would have hurt less.

Tears filled your eyes. "Beomgyu, didn't you hear what I said? We need to run away."

Beomgyu shook his head.

"Congratulations, Yn... on your engagement," he murmured, completely disregarding your words as if still in disbelief.

You saw the small shake in his hand as he brought it to his mouth, the back of it against his lips as if wiping away the touch of yours.

Your vision became blurry due to the salty tears pooling in your eyes.

"I know you think running away is a bad idea, but-"

"You should leave," he said, his voice almost monotone.

You snapped.

"Listen to me! If we were to leave tonight, we could make it to the forest by the morning. Beomgyu, we can run away."

Finally, you seemed to grasp his attention. But sadly you did not receive the response you were waiting for.

"And then where to?" He exclaimed, the emotion returning to his voice. An emotion easily to be described as hopelessness.

"Yn, we both know this is impossible. They will find us. They will kill me immediately and take you back to the palace. It will destroy your reputation, the possibility of becoming a queen-"

"I don't want to be a queen!" You cried out. "I don't want to be a queen and I don't want to marry that man. I haven't even properly talked to him ever! I can't marry anyone who is not you… I- I can't do it."

"You have to." His voice was suddenly small, fragile.

Shaking your head hastily, tears fell from your cheeks. "No, I want to stay here with you," you managed to choke out through the tears. "I want you to hold me-"

"I can't do that. Not anymore.”

Though his voice was unsteady, his words hit you with full force and your jaw almost dropped.

"What are you saying?" You breathed, your mind not able to wrap around his words.

"Yn, you-" his lower lip trembled, "you are another man's fiancé now. You... you belong to someone else."

Disbelief dripped off your features. This could not be happening.

"Beomgyu, you know I do not feel anything for him."

"Stop," Beomgyu muttered, his eyes averting from you again.

You shook your head hastily and walked up to the boy. "No! You know I do not love this man-"

"Yn, stop," he repeated, taking small steps back as if trying to hide from the horrible truth.

"The only man I love and will ever love is you!" You exclaimed, your voice now borderline hysterical as tears fell from your eyes.

"Stop it," Beomgyu barked just as you were going to touch him, and you staggered back, shock overtaking your features.

Never had Beomgyu raised his voice at you before. Never had his voice dripped such venom.

And never had he refused your touch.

The seconds you and Beomgyu stared at each other in silence felt like years. His eyes were ablaze and his chest heaved up and down with heavy, angry breaths.

Stop crying.

You straightened your back and raised your chin.

Stop crying, Yn.

You didn't bother wiping your eyes, but you did paint a void expression on your face.

Stop crying and become the princess you are. The princess you're supposed to be.

"Very well." Your voice was incredibly calm all of a sudden. "Then I will go."

"But you..." you raised your hand to point your index finger at him as you held his stare, "... you are a coward, Beomgyu. One I never knew you were."

With that, you exited the stables. And you decided you would not look over your shoulder to give him a last glance.

Sunlight pressed against your eyelids, awakening you from your short sleep.

After dismissing your servant last night, you cried for hours until the exhaustion from your heavy heart pulled you into a slumber full of nightmares.

You sat up on your bed, and the recollection of yesterday's events washed over you.

This wasn't how it could end. You couldn't allow the beautiful love you had with Beomgyu to end this way.

If it was up to you, you weren't planning on ending it at all.

But Beomgyu... Beomgyu had pushed you away. He yelled at you. He ordered you to leave.

Tears pooled in your swollen eyes once again.

You were angry with him. So incredibly angry he let go of you that easily, yelled at you like you meant nothing at all to him.

The Beomgyu you loved would never let things escalate like this, he would never want to hurt you.

Not unless he had a reason so good it was worth the pain that hurting you caused him.

A reason.

Your lips parted and your eyebrows furrowed together. Realization clicked in your mind like a match being lit.

And suddenly everything was clear as day.

You pushed yourself off your bed, your heartbeat speeding up. With quick but shaky hands you dressed yourself, not bothering to wait for your servant. There was no time to lose.

Having to act like nothing was wrong when walking through the large halls of the castle was a bigger struggle than you expected it to be.

There was no one who was able to control her emotions the way you could, on both the inside and the outside. Speaking in front of thousands and thousands of civilians? Nothing. Being scolded by your father, the king? Not a thing.

But when it came to Beomgyu... The moment something involved him, you became completely and utterly undone.

Swallowing the lump in your throat, you made your way outside and the moment the chilly air kissed your skin, you finally dared to pick up your pace.

How had you not realized this yesterday? How had you not noticed Beomgyu was trying to make things easier? Easier for you.

Losing someone you were angry with was easier than someone you loved. That was what Beomgyu had once told you many months ago when you were laying in his arms in the hay of the stables. He truly believed in that. And so he was trying to make you hate him now. Beomgyu believed it would make marrying the prince easier for you.

The thought had you almost stumbling over a patch of loose grass.

You could not bear the thought of Beomgyu thinking you hated him. Never in a million lifetimes could you hate Choi Beomgyu. And if you were to lose him, if he were to lose you, you wanted him to know you still loved him with every inch of your being.

Beomgyu wasn't allowed to think you loved him any less, or would ever love him any less.

Every thought entering your mind was scarier and more anxious than the one before and you didn't even notice you had been running until you threw open the doors of the stables.

Silence met your panting figure and your eyes flickered from left to right.

"Choi Beomgyu?"

Your anxious heart picked up its pace some more and you stepped inside.

"Beomgyu?"

Swallowing, you straightened your back. "Choi Beomgyu? I demand you to show your face!"

A rustle sounded from somewhere deeper in the stables and your eyes brightened when footsteps neared.

"Oh, Beomgyu, I need to-"

Your voice died down in your throat when sunlight hit the face of the person and you realized the man nearing was not Beomgyu. He was wearing similar clothes and was about the same height, but that was where the resemblance stopped with your lover.

The face of the boy morphed into one showcasing utter shock when he noticed whose presence he was in and he immediately dropped to one knee, lowering his face. "Oh, Your Majesty, my deepest apologies, I did not realize it was you."

His words did not get to you. A foggy wall of thoughts surrounded your entire mind.

"Who are you?" Your voice sounded far away.

"I-I am the new stable boy of the palace, Your Majesty. I started this morning," the boy rambled with his head still hung low.

A frown pulled your eyebrows down and you took a shaky step back.

It was your fingers that started trembling first, then your hands, and eventually your entire body followed with every step you took until your back hit the wall of the stables.

"I..." A ragged breath fell from your lips before you turned around and your feet seemed to start moving out of their own, back to the palace.

A feeling heavier, scarier, and darker than the worst anxiety you had ever felt penetrated your veins as you ran over the field.

Your servant, Rina, caught your panting figure when you entered the hall, and a worried expression painted her face. "Your Majesty?"

"Where is my father?” You almost barked, not being able to calm down even to your servant whom you were close with.

"What-"

"The king, where is he? Where is my father?" You repeated, now looking Rina in the eyes.

"He is in his office. Yn, what is wrong?" She whispered the last part, so no one else would hear her informal way of addressing you.

"Later," you breathed before making your way to the office of the king of the country.

You were aware you were acting unhinged, and you knew you were supposed to knock and ask for permission before entering any room your father was in, but your care for those formalities was nowhere to be found now.

The doors flew open when you burst through them, but surprisingly, it did not startle your father in the slightest bit.

As if he was expecting you.

"Why did you get the palace a new stable boy? Why replace our old one?" Your breathing was heavy.

"Yn," your father greeted you without looking up from the papers he was skimming through.

"Father, please answer my question."

"You asked two questions."

"Father!"

The six-foot-five man pushed himself off the chair and placed his hands on the desk, finally looking up at you.

"Yn, take a seat."

The stern look in his eyes held you from fighting back, and you sat down opposite of him. Folding your hands over each other, you tried to hide the shaking.

The king held eye contact with you and examined your every feature before slowly shaking his head.

"Oh, Yn, I was so convinced you were an intelligent young woman. So much knowledge about all sorts of things... and then you..." he sighed in disappointment.

“My daughter, did you really believe no one would find out?"

Freezing cold air wrapped itself around your body and squeezed until breathing became the hardest thing to do. You had to grip the edge of the table to not lose your balance.

Pretend, Yn. Pretend you don't know what he is talking about.

You couldn't. You were a canvas of emotions, out in the open, for anyone to see.

"Where is he?" you managed to whisper, your lips and mouth suddenly so dry that even talking became a struggle.

Your father stared at you with a stern expression on his face for what felt like an eternity, examining your every emotion until his eyebrows drew together. As if he found things he wasn't expecting to find in your eyes.

His own eyes softened.

"Oh, Yn... how could you have let it come this far."

"Father, answer me. Is he-"

The king nodded.

"He is in The Hold. The execution will be tomorrow morning."

No.

The words extracted all of the air left in your lungs and a hand flew to your mouth as bile rose in your throat.

No.

Shaking your head you pushed yourself up, the chair tumbling over and hitting the marble floor with a loud thud.

"A lie..." you breathed in disbelief. "You are lying."

With wide eyes you stepped back, feeling more nauseous with every second passing.

Please, no.

"Yn, you know the rules. A guard found out, and so if I do not take action, I will be breaking palace rules. I am the King-"

"I don't care that you're a king!" You squawked, startling even your father.

Your heavy breathing and shaking hands made the king frown in worry.

"You could be the ruler of the entire world and still...." You shook your head once more, "and still, father, I promise, all I will ever see in you is a monster if you proceed with this." The venom in your breaking voice made the king clench his jaw and look away.

"Yn, you know I can't change anything about this. You know it.”

You did.

You knew it.

"Take me to the hold."

Your father looked up at you and watched the tears you hadn't even noticed yourself roll over your cheeks.

"I do not want you to see him. Not... like this." His last words were almost too quiet for you to hear. Almost.

Your stomach churned and your knees turned into jelly, making you stumble on your legs.

"Take me to him. Now."

A long silence fell over the office and your father seemed to consider all his options before finally letting out a sigh.

"Guards. Take the princes to the hold."

With shaky legs, you descended the endless stairs of stone. The clicking of your heels coming in contact with the cold steps sounded like a ticking clock. And maybe that was what all of this was. A ticking time bomb, waiting to explode. Waiting for you to lose him forever.

Nothing felt real. A part of you was convinced that you were still sleeping, that this was a nightmare.

The droplets of water gliding down the stony walls and hitting the ground was the only thing you could hear the minutes you walked down the stairs. It was the only thing you could focus on to not completely lose your mind there and then.

There was no space or time for you to fall apart now. You had to see Beomgyu. You had to speak to him.

After what felt like an eternity, you reached the last step of the stairs and entered the place you had always hated the most in the palace. The Hold.

The guards were about to guide you to the prison cell Beomgyu was in when you halted your steps.

"Let me go alone."

Your voice was stern and cold, and the sentries knew not to disagree. So they nodded and took a step back.

The seconds of walking to the cell at the end of the Hold felt like walking through quicksand, and with every moment passing, fear grew inside of you.

You weren't ready to see him, not in the state he was going to be in.

But what you felt did not matter, because this was Beomgyu. The man you loved most. You needed to see him.

And so you finally took the last step.

Your body froze in place when your eyes fell on the boy, sitting in the corner of the cramped prison cell, knees pulled up to his chest and arms wrapped around them.

The blood in your veins seemed to solidify and your nostrils flared, tears immediately pooling your eyes.

Ever since the moment you were born, you never had an easy life.

At the age of seven you had to say goodbye to your grandma who had been your best friend since birth. Then, at the age of fifteen, you had lost the person dearest to you, your mother. And through all of this, you had to continue learning how to rule the country in the future, how to be the queen your people needed one day.

There was no option for you but to follow the orders you had been given your entire life, no space for you to decide what you wanted or didn’t want.

Your life was so decided for you, that you never felt any control over any action or decision you had to make—over anything that happened to you.

And so one day, at the age of eighteen, you decided you would take full power over the one thing no other human being was able to take control of: your feelings.

Thus after your mother’s death, you decided nothing and no one would ever be able to break you that bad anymore. You were determined to never let yourself love so much again—never let yourself become so vulnerable again.

You had been so convinced you would succeed in fullfilling those expectations of yourself.

But now, looking at your wounded lover in the dark vault of the palace, you realized that no experience, no determination, no nothing could’ve prepared you for the absolute agony you felt in this exact moment.

This was worse than the most horrifying nightmare you had ever seen. A million times worse.

Never had Beomgyu looked this small—this fragile and broken.

Though you couldn't see his face, his arms were visible due to the ripped long-sleeve shirt. Dark blue bruises and bloody wounds covered the pale skin, making your hands tremble.

With shaky steps, you neared the cell and it was only when you were in front of the cold bars, that Beomgyu noticed there was a new presence in the Hold.

And some selfish part of you wished he had never heard you. Because what came into your view when he looked up made your jaw drop and breathing hitch in your throat. You lost any strength left in your body and fell to your knees, not even feeling the hit on your skin as it came in contact with the hard floor.

"Yn?"

Immediate sobs fell from your mouth at the sound of his hoarse voice.

"God, Beomgyu," you croaked, not being able to believe what the guards had done to him.

Dried blood stuck to the corner of his lips and under his nose, a still open cut grazed his cheekbone and eyebrow. His left eye was almost completely closed due to the blue swelling.

"What have they done? What... What have I done?" You asked, more to yourself than to the boy in front of you.

"Yn, calm down," Beomgyu whispered as he dragged himself across the ground toward the bars where you were leaning against.

His soft voice only made your sobs grow louder, and your head started to pound so badly that you wondered if you were going to pass out here and now.

"My love, please don't cry." With steady hands, he grabbed yours through the bars and folded them over his lap. "It's alright."

Shaking your head hastily, you started repeating the word no like it was a mantra before inhaling sharply. "It's everything but alright. Nothing about this is alright. This cannot be happening, this has to be a nightmare."

Beomgyu looked at you with tears in his eyes and realized none of the bruises on his body or face hurt as much as his heart seeing you in this state. You were hysterical—losing it, almost.

"My love, my sweet girl, please steady your breathing, please," Beomgyu uttered, searching for your eyes. When he noticed he could not get to you, he let go of your hands and grabbed your face, forcing you to look at him.

Your eyes widened and your sobbing halted for a second, giving Beomgyu just enough time to bring you back to earth with his familiar dark eyes.

"My beautiful princess. Breathe in and out with me, alright? Can you do that for me?" He asked with an encouraging smile, and you pressed your lips together to hold back another cry before nodding.

The black-haired boy took a deep breath and raised his eyebrows at you—a sign for you to follow him.

Mirroring Beomgyu, you inhaled and exhaled deeply.

After a minute, the feeling you were about to have a heart attack started to die down, and you regained the ability to think and talk.

In silence, you stared at your lover and another tear rolled down your cheek. Beomgyu leaned forward and took your chin in his hand before bringing you closer to the bars—close enough to be able to kiss the tear away.

You closed your eyes at the feeling of his slightly chapped lips on your skin, savoring every second of it.

"I'm so sorry," you finally managed to whisper.

"What for, my love?" Beomgyu asked, shaking his head slowly as he took your hands in his own once more.

"For..." you shrugged, staring at the bruises on his arms and fighting the urge to start bawling again. "For everything they've done to you. For causing-"

"Stop." This was the sternest Beomgyu had sounded the entire time you were in the Hold, and it made you return your stare to his eyes.

"But this is my-"

"Yn, if you finish your sentence, I will not forgive you for saying that," he stated, not breaking eye contact.

"Never in your entire life will you have to apologize for allowing me to love you, for blessing me with the chance to feel your love," he shook his head, his eyes softening at the remembrance of your love, "I got to experience - feel - it all. Do you think I believed I would get it for free?" The question left an honest smile on his lips but brought the corners of yours down.

"And if death is the price I'm paying, then I can consider myself a lucky man," he finished, rubbing circles - or hearts - on the back of your hands.

The outer ends of your eyebrows drooped. "I don't understand... what could there be worse than death?"

The smile on Beomgyu's face grew and even reached his eyes. "Having to live without you."

You shut your eyes and let your head drop, not being able to look at him anymore as your shoulders started shaking. And in that moment you believed you would never stop crying again in your entire life.

Shuffling noises behind you indicated your time was almost over, and Beomgyu's eyes flickered to the guards behind you before returning to your small frame.

"I love you, my moon. My beautiful, bright, and wonderful moon," Beomgyu uttered, and if a voice could feel like a warm hug, it would be his voice, right there and then.

He brought your hands to his lips and pressed ten, twenty kisses on your knuckles.

"Gyu," you cried softly but Beomgyu only left more kisses on your hands and then on the inside of your wrists.

"Yn, look at me, please."

Slowly, you raised your head and looked at Beomgyu with bloodshot eyes, letting him know you were listening. Your eyelashes were stuck together and your dress was soaked due to the flood of tears, but you were listening.

"Promise me one thing."

"Anything," you rasped.

Beomgyu swallowed and fought to not let his eyebrows droop.

"You will move on."

Shaking your head, you exhaled. "But Beom-"

"No, Yn, you have to promise me. You have to promise me you will not blame yourself, promise me you will remember me with a happy and calm heart, promise me you will never feel guilty." He tightened his grip on your hands. He was begging.

"Yn, promise me you will move on."

Silence engulfed the Hold as your eyes took his face in, and with all your might you tried to paint him on a canvas in your mind, leaving out all the deformations the guards had caused on him. In the past years you had never dared to paint the boy due to the fear someone would find the painting.

But now he was facing the same fate he would've had if someone were to find the painting, and so in that moment, staring at Beomgyu in his prison cell, you regretted it. You regretted never painting him. You regretted it so much that you had no other option but to give Beomgyu the answer he deserved—the answer he needed.

"I promise."

Once the words left your mouth, Beomgyu exhaled and tears started falling from his eyes. But his eyes were not sad.

No, he was crying tears of relief, of happiness.

And so you continued. "I promise I will move on. I promise I will become happy again and I promise I will never forget you. I will remember you as a beautiful part of my existence. I will not remember you by your death."

Your death.

The words seemed to belong to someone else.

It could not be you saying these words, not to Beomgyu.

And still, it was you. And the words were addressed to Choi Beomgyu.

"Thank you so much, my princess," Beomgyu smiled, bringing your hands to his mouth once more to leave a long kiss. "Thank you for everything. I love you so much.”

"Beomgyu, I-"

"Princess, our apologies, but it is time to go. The king has ordered us to come and get you."

Your heart leaped and bile rose to your throat at the voice of the guard.

"No," you quietly breathed before repeating the word, this time louder.

"Princess-"

Your head cocked to the side to give the sentries a deadly glare. "No!" You barked.

But an order was an order. And so the sentries started walking up to you, causing you to hysterically grip the bars.

"Beomgyu!" you cried, pressing your face against the steel to be as close to him as possible for the last time.

Tears rolled down Beomgyu's bruised cheeks but with a calm hand, he softly stroked your wet cheek. "I love you," he whispered again. "I love you forever."

The guards gently placed their hands under your arms and the moment they started lifting you, you started screaming.

You were completely hysteric.

Because you knew.

This was the last time you would ever see your person.

Beomgyu pushed himself off the ground and took a step back, not being able to say anything anymore.

His sad eyes were on you as you kicked and yelled, trying with all your might to yank your body away from the guards and back to Beomgyu.

From that moment on everything seemed to become a blur. A dark, quiet, and foggy blur.

You remembered screaming your lover's name. And you remembered his eyes looking into yours, his hands gripping the bars, tears wetting his lips.

And you remembered the way your head was starting to become too heavy to hold up.

But just a couple of seconds before your body gave up on you and everything turned black in front of your eyes, you realized there was one thing you couldn't remember.