Dead Flowers

it’s me. it’s been awhile. lots of things have happened. I have a handsome fiance and we have a house together and dog. My mom was diagnosed with cancer in december sometime last year around this time. She is now in the clear and has been fighting to become cancer free for the past couple months. I’ve been working a full time design job and my best friend is pregnant with her little boy.  one thing i realized while all these good things keep happening around me is that I always thought that maybe if I had this and that, that my depression would go away or that my anxiety would get better. I convinced myself that once I have the love of my life, move out, graduate college and work a full time job in design that I wouldn’t feel pain anymore. I have been fighting depression since I was a freshman in high school and I honestly never thought I would get to the point that I am at today. I didn’t think I would be alive... either.

With all of these new and exciting things that have been occuring in my life, I wish 2017 would stay for forever. I guess it’s that time of year to reflect on everything and honestly i’ve been doing that non-stop. I have all these great things and nothing really to be upset about but yet here I am bawling my eyes out thinking about all the ways I hate myself and wishing I was better or someone else. Then I look at the man of my dreams and my dog and what I have around me and I think how could someone be this upset? How could someone feel “empty” and unhappy? 

I wish I could understand what was wrong with me. I know it’s depression, I know what’s wrong with me mentally but how do I fix it. Is there anyway to fix it other than “just dealing”? I hate feeling empty when all you have around you is love.