“I owe myself the biggest apology for putting up with what I didn’t deserve.”

““And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.””

“I knew it hurt him and he knew it hurt me and neither of us could do a thing about it. We sat on the floor trying to fix each other, all the while knowing there was no way we could. We lay with our legs entwined until finally he said, “I love you, right? God knows I fucking love you. But this isn’t working, is it? We’re breaking each other’s heart and it feels like we’re running on borrowed time.“ And I said nothing because he was right and I hated it. I lay there silently, hating the way everything contradicted itself. I lay there and hated it all.”

“He asks me, “Are you okay?” I say, “yes”. We both know I’m lying. He’s quiet, but then he holds me a little tighter, a little closer to his chest. ‘I’m sad that you’re leaving,’ I want to say. But I have no right to tell him that. I haven’t even the tiniest, most infinitesimal part in his life. ‘I wish we had more time,’ the words are on the tip of my tongue. And there they stay. ‘I know we were temporary but that doesn’t make this any easier.“ I am ready to burst with all of the words inside me. In our silence, I feel his arms relax around me, I feel him start to drift. ‘Please, let’s still talk,’ I whisper into his chest, ’ please don’t let it be as if we never knew each other. He’s asleep. “I know we said no feelings,” I say, out loud this time. And then, after a pause, “but that has never been how feelings work.”

i fear that

“Be with someone who won’t stay mad at you, who can’t stand not talking to you, and who’s afraid of losing you.”

“I got into drugs because I felt too much, she got into drugs because she didn’t feel enough”