Exploring

“Why are you in serving pose, Princess?”, I enquire as I enter the room, just home from a hard day at work.

“Because I’ve had a really bad day, Sir”, she replies. “Because I don’t want to talk about it, Sir”

“Are you sure, Princess?”, I question in a soft, comforting tone; “You know I’m always happy to listen?”

“Thank you, Sir. I know that. But, I don’t want to talk right now. I need to serve you. Please may I serve you, Sir?”

“On one condition, Princess. We talk about your day in the bath tub together afterwards”

“Yes, Sir. Of course”

“Ok, Princess. Let’s get you restrained. Then I’ll spank the stress away. Would you like that?”

“Very much, Sir. I need you to take me, I want to be lost in our world with only you, Sir”

“Very well, I’m not going to be gentle with you, Princess”

“Thank you, Sir”

Copyright @fantasies-of-a-dominant 2018

Wait? It’s not Friday? Well, fuck! I guess it’s Dance Party Almost Tuesday!

You know you want to join in Dance Party Almost Tuesday! It’s a celebration after all!

What are we celebrating? I’m so glad you asked!!

SOMEBODY (I’ll let you guess who) got 100% on her Psych test today!!!

I now have a 97.4% in Psych, a 98.7% in Accounting, and a 103.2% in Business. (That’s an easy class.. it isn’t that impressive really)

I am halfway through the semester and I still have straight A’s!!!!

So who wants to dance!?!

@dinodaddy @bellandherbeast @daddyandhislittleprincess11102 @reflectedtruthsblog @thesubmissivewithin @goodhotwife @itsshinycollectordestinyworld @itsallprimal @magpie-69 @littlephoenixkitten @tooprettytolive @kittencalledwolf @kittysparkleslove @bluepi @like-i-need-a-hole-in-my-head @alaric1960 @defiantslv @swearwordsandcaffeine @inmydominantopinion @daddybrad80 @danipup @sincardinality @babygirl-1972 @amysubmits @crusoesampersand @kurious17 @herliegespetkitten @lelica011 @wickedlysexy121 and so many more I know I’ll kick myself for forgetting.

Lets talk about the submissives who were owned and have been recently released from their most recent relationships with their Dominant. Perhaps it was a relationship that had its good points as well as bad, like most relationships had a growing sense of love, but with many differences to difficult to resolve. The struggles with these submissives was/is who they are outside of the “ownership” that they had grown accustomed to?

…

Every submissive has a time where they will be unowned, whether it is new or where they have been released by mutual agreement or by default. I hear stories of unowned submissives who struggle to identify themselves without the tug of the Dominant. They allow themselves to be filled with self doubt, identity crisis, and a drop from the lack of leadership that a Dominant provides.

It is important to remember the submissive psyche that we all carry. The traits and the strengths that make up the submissive core. The core of the submissive is a primal one. It has everything to do with your own natural and nurtured self. You are valued by your attributes, you are seen and admired.

When you are not in a relationship these attributes do NOT go away. The beauty remains, and one day someone will walk into the room and all will become evident. As we move through life we never know what will happen. Hearts and minds change, conflicts arise, sickness comes. The fact is every D/s relationship has an end on earth. There will always be a Dominant without a submissive and the submissive without the Dominant.

The unowned submissive must be able to look in the mirror and say, I am beautiful, I am strong, I am a submissive. Every day is a day to learn, a day to do more, a day to grow in their submission. They should not rush or worry about finding “the one”.

WE OFTEN FIND WHAT WE ARE LOOKING FOR WHEN WE STOP LOOKING.

I received a note recently asking me if I had any reference materials that focused on providing structure for a submissive who is currently without a Dominant. I didn’t, but I thought it was a good opportunity to write about it.

While I’ve never had a formal system, I have found in both in the time before I identified as a submissive, and in the times since, when I was without a Dom, that I naturally gravitate toward providing myself with a certain amount of structure. (To be clear I have always been a submissive, but I did not always have the words to identify as such.)

Creating structure for yourself in the absence of a Dom comes down to self care. You want to create routines for yourself that enforce predictability and healthy habits.  

Some examples of things you might consider establishing as ‘rules’:

Going to bed by no less than 7 hours before you have to wake. Being out of bed by a set time, even when you have nowhere to be. (say 10am?) Regular exercise several times a week. Reading a certain amount of pages per week. Getting a vegetable with every meal. Keep regular contact with friends and family members. (perhaps 1 call per week to 2-3 people) Do all the dishes before bed each day. Keep a chore list of things that need to be done each day, week, and month.

One you’ve decided the things you will be focusing on you may find it helpful to establish rewards for yourself. Some people, (like myself) who are organized by nature, may find reward just in having the routine, but for others there has to be incentive to motivate them.

You might consider taking out  some money from the bank in one dollar bills, and placing a dollar in a jar each time you successfully follow one of your own rules. At the end of each week or month you can use that money to buy yourself something special. If this doesn’t seem like something you’d abide by, money is tight, or you generally just buy what you want anyway, then you might consider orgasm control instead. Put yourself on denial, and give yourself a point for each task completed. When you manage to reach a set number of points you allow yourself an orgasm.

There are a lot of reward systems out there but the basics of giving yourself structure are in creating beneficial routines, and motivations for doing them. It doesn’t have to be formal charts if that seems like drudgery to you.

Over the years, my blogs have slowly evolved toward sitting atop the foundation upon which The Kingdom rests today. Here are some of the priorities I have for this blog, which I strive to keep up with, entertain, and contribute to our community everyday…

1. Positivity: Problems have solutions. Things will get better. Everyone has value. I am a positive vibe human who wants to keep a positive vibe blog.

2. Education: We all found kink and started from scratch at some point. I did that here on Tumblr, and my education started courtesy of my fellow bloggers. In honor of that, I like to write posts that help others along at the start of their journey, and helps them sort it all out for themselves.

3. Diversity: Submissives are not all young, little, light-skinned, pixie girls as it often appears here on Tumblr. Like any group of humans, they come in a multiplicity of ages, shapes, shades, and sexual identities. It’s important to me that The Kingdom is a reflection of that, along with adding content from other lesser represented groups found in BDSM.

4. Entertainment: Putting on a show for the masses has always been a part of who I am, and I delight in putting myself and my relationships on display here, and steering people towards laughter and happy feelings everyday. 

5. Support: Helping answer individual questions and offering guidance that may get a strained dynamic back on track, or solutions to followers with their own unique dilemma are a highly rewarding passion of mine while running The Kingdom. 

AKA: NEVER CALL A SUBMISSIVE NEEDY AGAIN!!

There are days that I feel like we are slowly brainwashing all the submissives in the community to believe that they should feel guilty for the amount of attention they want from their Dominant. While nobody is swinging watches back and forth in front of their faces or giving them treats when they express that they feel badly for the attention they crave, it is getting done nonetheless with the word “needy”. 

need·yˈ

nēdē/

adjective

lacking the necessities of life; very poor.

Needy is not a nice word. Needy is a derogatory word. Needy should not be what someone WHO CHOOSES to give their power and choices to someone else, should be labeled. 

Vanilla couples don’t have the problem with this word that we do. In their partnerships, the individuals are expected to bear the weight of the work, responsibility, and decisions within the relationship with some semblance of equality in mind. If one partner gets lazy, and falters, they may be perceived to be not pulling their weight, which may eventually lead to problems, and ultimately, the end of a relationship. 

We don’t do things this way in the kinky world. Before their first dynamics, submissives often spends many months and years yearning to give up their power and decisions to a Dominant, and be made to feel cared for, and safe. When they finally find that first dynamic, they dive deep into their role, exploring it by probing their partner’s reactions, requesting structure and guidance, and demanding copious opportunities to serve, and fulfill their prime directives. They have been told communication is the key to a happy and productive dynamic, and they embrace that communication and attention with their Dominant with eager and open arms. 

That’s when it happens: someone calls them needy for the first time, making them feel bad for the way they have been wired, and for being enthusiastic about their partner and dynamic. It is at this point the idea of “lacking the necessities of life” and being thought of as “very poor” by their Dominant, starts to go to war against the natural order of a D/s dynamic, and begins to eat away at them. It makes them anxious about demanding attention from their Dominant. It makes them feel guilty for making requests of them. Being labeled as “needy”, throws them all out of balance, because needing someone strong, who helps them make all kinds of decisions that they have longed to be rid of, and gives them opportunity to serve, is what they have always wanted, and who they are supposed to be, and now they are being told that it’s too much. 

Why do we do this to our submissives? As Dominants, we want to be the boss, to have love and devotion within our relationships, and to feel needed, but when we get what we want, and it feels like too much, we shift the blame over to the submissive and call them needy. The truth is, when one member of a couple has given all their power and their decisions to the other member of the couple, THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE A LOT OF NEEDS FROM THEM. If you call yourself Dominant, or are aspiring to be one, you should be fully prepared to be intensely needed by your submissive, because they have voluntarily given you all of their power, and it is now YOUR ROLE to make a myriad of even the most basic decisions from them, from what they will eat for breakfast, to what they will wear to work. They will want tasks and rules and punishments, and it is now YOUR ROLE to give those to them. If you feel this is too much, it is not their problem that they are “needy”, it is yours for not understanding what you were getting yourself into. If you are not up for being needed by someone more than you have ever experienced before in your life, it’s time to make peace with your aspirations of being a Caregiver, Master, or Owner, and retreat back to vanilla world from whence you came. A full blown D/s relationship with fun bedroom playtime and having everything your way, comes at a price, and that price is giant piles your focus, and guidance. 

Is it fair to say your submissive has a lot of needs, or demands a lot of your attention? Sure! It’s a little like saying an elephant has a lot of weight, or an anaconda a lot of length. That’s the way those things are, and to dwell on it, or become resentful for things being what they are, is pointless and insane. If you are looking for an animal who is short, or light, look elsewhere. 

How can we stop this? We can start by correcting Dominants and our already brainwashed submissive community by lashing out at the word “needy” when we see it and hear it. We should lash out at the word because it expresses the natural inclinations of submissives in a profoundly negative way, and chips away at their natural evolution on their way to becoming happy and fulfilled in their dynamics. 

Submissives are never “needy”. They may need a lot, but that’s what you ordered from the menu, good Sir. If they don’t feel the need to call you bossy when you tell them what to do, you should surely be able to resist calling them needy for offering you their dependence. 

…you are giving them all of your decisions, and putting them in charge of your well being. You are giving them control over your mental and emotional health. You are giving them control over your body, and what you can, and can not do with it. 

So ask yourself, how well do I know this person, that I am giving them all this control, and power over me? Do I trust they are interested in working with me for my betterment? Do I trust they will respect my safeword? Do I trust they won’t suddenly ghost on me, and leave me in the lurch? Do I trust them? 

Do you trust them?

If no, then why are you considering giving them complete control over you?

If yes, then what are you waiting for?

Walking the journey of a submissive can be one that is both difficult, and fraught with personal danger, but there are many ways to make that journey safer. Let’s talk about some of the ways in which YOU as a submissive, can minimize your risk, while pursuing your kink journey…

DON’T GO IT ALONE!!

In isolation, you have no one to turn to for help. One of the single most disturbing types of asks I have gotten over the years have been from submissive people who find themselves in an unhealthy relationship with a partner they are living with, but have nowhere to go, and no one to support their leaving. Once you cease trusting someone’s intentions toward you, you need to have a place to bail to, and people who will support a healthy decision to get out, and start over. Without a backup plan, an abusive relationship is able to evolve unchecked, with the abuser able to feel like they have the run on their destructive behavior without accountability. 

THERE IS SAFETY IN NUMBERS…

Once an abuser understands that you have support, and that their behavior may lead them to trouble with the law, obliterate their reputation within a community of kink, or in any way become answerable for their actions, it becomes more complicated for an abuser to run the table on your limits and consent. 

GET REFERENCES

It is in no way fucked up to ask a prospective Dominant who you can talk to about them, or just go on your own accord to ask people you know who are their acquaintances what kind of partner they perceive they would be for you. A good and safe candidate for a Dominant would understand this as a safety practice, and not become offended. Any Dominant who becomes incensed by you asking for, or going and digging for references, is likely someone with shitty things they’ve done that they want to keep hidden. If he doesn’t have submissives he’s cared for in the past that can talk highly of him, how likely is it that you will be the first that does?

LEARN

How can learning keep you safe? You’re reading this post, aren’t you? If you take to heart some of what is laid out herein, will you not be safer? The more you know about the rules and etiquette surrounding kink, the less likely you are to be taken in by those who aren’t interested in pesky “safewords”, or other obvious signs you’re not speaking to someone who should be considered for your submission.  

FIRST “IN REAL LIFE” MEETINGS

If you’re meeting a prospective dominant in real life for the first time, do it in a public place. A dominant who would be a good candidate for your submission will not try to steer you from meeting in a public place, or push you towards doing things that would take you away from that public place.

TELL SOMEONE WHAT YOU’RE DOING

When meeting a prospective Dominant for the first time, tell someone you know and trust what you’re doing, and arrange to check in with them several times during your date so they know it is going well, and you are safe. If a prospective Dominant has a problem with this safe practice, do not meet them, or exit the date promptly when that is made known.

SCREENING CANDIDATES

One of the most important skills a submissive can hone, is their ability to screen prospective Dominants. During this time you can ask a million questions about their views on life, philosophies in kink, experience, personal lives, or what kind of dynamic they would build with you, and their plan for carrying it out. This is a time to get to know and trust the person who you may ask to control multiple aspects of your life. You want to really KNOW this person. There is nothing more dangerous than an excited submissive who throws caution to the wind in this realm. Being a good screener, is part of being a good, and safe submissive.

SAFEWORDS

Never let a Dominant forbid you from keeping or using a safeword as a way of stopping anything that may prove beyond your limits within your dynamic. While some D/s couples choose to put them aside and respect a basic, “no”, or “stop” from their partners, the safeword is meant to be one of the few universally understood last vestiges of power a submissive holds within any power dynamic. Any dominant who limits or forbids you to keep one, and use one, is to be avoided. If you are being pushed past your limits without a way to make it stop, you are being abused. 

Be A Smart and Safe Submissive

This is a friendly reminder that D-types are neither mind readers, nor empaths. We can no more glean your worries, desires, or hopes without your help, than we can perform our roles without you. 

Nearly every day I get inbox questions looking for advice, and the advice is so often the same:

That thing you just told me? Go and tell your Caregiver that. They are not going to act all scary or think less of you if you do. If they are a good Caregiver, they will appreciate the communication. It is the only way that this problem is going to get solved. 

If you go to your Caregiver with useful information for your dynamic, and he reacts in one of those ways you were concerned about, it may be time to go find a different Caregiver. Without available channels of good communication being open, you’re likely spinning your heels in a relationship that isn’t going to go too many good places, or last very long.

Thank you for reading this kiddo. Now go apply it to your own life, and do what you know needs to be done.

Here are three types of rules for Caregivers who are struggling to develop lists for their new little:

1. Rules That Establish Dominance:

These are the fun rules, and the ones that reinforce who is boss. Asking for permission to cum and letting Daddy pick out your panties each day are good examples.

2. Rules That Guide Health:

These help with physical and mental health. Eating breakfast each day, a required walk, journal writing, and required self play (good for burning calories and raising endorphins) are good examples.

3. Rules That Help With Goals:

These help make her that very best version of herself that she wants to be. Keeping her room tidy, working toward healthy eating habits, putting away money in the bank each week, and required time for studying are good examples.

**Rules may overlap into multiple areas. Required self play can help with mental health, weight loss, stress relief, sleeping habits, as well as establishing dominance. Looking at other’s rules can help you come up with your own, but by and large, rules should be tailored to serve specific littles and their unique needs. Happy rule making. 

It is important for D/s couples and partners to work together after an inadvertent consent violation has occurred. Tops/Doms should not be involved in play with bottoms/subs if they are unprepared to face the reality of this moment, where they have to own up and take full responsibility of making a horrible mistake, and journeying with their victim to help them recover from the damage they may have caused. Here are some things you can do to help a partner recover from a consent violation…

Take Responsibility

If she communicated the limit to you, and it was introduced into a scene by you, it is your mistake. To immediately start to diffuse the construction of the common psychology of the victim blaming themselves for inviting the violation, and taking responsibility on themselves, it’s important that you immediately express and continue to reinforce that the violation was your fault, and that your partner bears no responsibility for it. Any hedging on taking responsibility by a top/Dom who is more concerned with their own feelings of guilt, or reputation within their local community, can be extremely damaging to someone whose consent has been violated, and take a toll on their ability to trust others and themselves within current and future dynamics. To hedge on your responsibility here, is to commit a second breach of trust immediately after the initial breach of the consent violation.

Re-establish Trust

Any consent violation is intrinsically a breach of trust. It takes a lot of trust for a bottom/sub to submit to a top/Dom, and when their limits are broken, that trust immediately takes a severe hit. If you don’t immediately start attending to repairing and building new trust with your victim, the chances that your relationship will survive or that your victim will recover as fully as they are able to after the violation, immediately start to diminish. Re-establishing trust in this situation will likely involve a lot of time and focus from the top/Dom. Re-establishing trust after a consent violation involves showing your victim that you are responsible, sorry, and highly motivated to make sure your mistake is not ever repeated with them or anyone else during play again.

Be Patient

It can take a long time for a victim of a consent violation to heal and recover. Be ready to put your normal dynamic flow on hold for weeks or months, and be ready for some aspects of recovery to take years of work to wear down. This will be the number one issue in your relationship until you are able to resolve it and prove that trust can be re-established, and that your relationship will continue. Your victim’s recovery time will not follow your timeline. You are not in charge of saying when they should be over it, or able to return to normal dynamic life. Take their lead while helping them recover and re-establishing your dynamic.

Be Focused

Part of showing your victim that you take responsibility for the violation will be the focus to which you are able to give to their recovery. Other issues you have either inside or outside of your relationship that can be put on hold so that you can communicate the severity at which you take your serious and potentially damaging mistake to your victim, by giving it as much of your focus as is possible, will go a long way in helping them recover, and give your relationship the best chance to continue.

Be Ready to Admit You Got In Over Your Head, and Seek Professional Help

Consent violations, whether they be inadvertent or outright violent abuse, can be deeply traumatic events that can mentally and emotionally damage their victims. If you perceive that what you are doing to help your victim recover is not working, do the right thing and seek the help of qualified professionals who can help them recover.