~ déjà vu ~

now it’s all I crave;

And yet I find myself reserved and fearful of the future.

So I pray ~ // let the way be open //

One day at a time

Say yes more often

Acknowledge the simple beauty life/nature has to offer

/////

~ finding my light ~

I can recall the exact moment in time when I knew what my chosen name was. It was honestly a simple thing. I stopped my mother in the hallway one day, when she was on her way out for a cigarette, and I asked her this: “what would you have named me had I been born male at birth?” That was 12 years ago.

She didn’t hesitate. She said Luke. I never asked her why. I didn’t feel the need to. I was in her womb for 9 months. She went through the pain of childbirth. We have a beautiful and wonderful relationship, so to me it’s as much of her choice as it is mine.

Prior to this revelation, I had spent my life with a 4 silable ~ mouthful ~ of a name. I’ll say it just once. For story-telling sake. Elizabeth. But I always went by Liz. I hated the long name, and demanded the shortend version at an age I don’t have many other memories from. It hurts to hear that name sometimes. Even if it’s not my ~deadname~ being called. I certainly don’t answer to it anymore, but that took years of training.

There’s more to it still. It was a family name, my grandmother, and my aunt both shared that name. Both passed from this plane of existence ~ on to bigger, brighter things. So... the name does bear some weight to it... and for that reason, I deliberated over my chosen name very carefully.

Lukas Eli

Lukas ~ the lengthy verson of Luke, because I’m used to the mouthful. The spelling is Germanic and Nordic. I liked the “look” of the K better than the more common spelling, Lucas. The name, is actually a word and predates biblical times and is a derivative of the word LUCA ~ meaning bringer of the light.

It’s been eight months but I finally feel like I can breathe again.