Joseph Oda

“Sebastian… I can’t do this.”

He shakes his head. The glances of his former lover are hurting him so much.

“Don’t you see that I just want to die?”, he whispers.

The tears start pouring down again. His Sebastian would have noticed. But this man, this stranger, he would never be his Sebastian again.

But nevertheless, this angry glance just can’t be the last thing he sees from him. A part of him still wants to fight. Wants to get him back at all costs. But the other one is just tired. So tired…

He stares at Joseph not sure how to react. Finally though he shakes his head.

“What do you expect from me? You show up here, tell me god knows what, and I just can’t remember any of this! For all I know, you’re lying to my face! I’m sorry, but this is already more than I’d normally do!”

He takes a deep breath, trying to stay calm. He deserves none of his anger, but what is he supposed to do? He can’t just restore memories that have been erased as it seems, if that is really what has happened. All he can do is trust his instincts.

“I’m sorry. But I swear to you, I’m not lying. I’d never lie to you. I promised that once. And you promised it back. Of course you don’t remember or have to keep it… but I will.”

He takes a deep breath to calm down.

He forces himself to smile to hide the sudden shock that overcame him.

The scars. At some point Sebastian would notice them. He couldn't wear Kidman's leather jacket forever and if he put it off, he would see then. Would see the marks of thousands of needles that had been injected into him. Would see the marks of the cuffs on his wrist. And he just wouldn't care. He would probably hear a short "I'm sorry" or something like that but not what he truly needed.

“Sebastian… I can’t do this.”

He shakes his head. The glances of his former lover are hurting him so much.

“Don’t you see that I just want to die?”, he whispers.

The tears start pouring down again. His Sebastian would have noticed. But this man, this stranger, he would never be his Sebastian again.

But nevertheless, this angry glance just can’t be the last thing he sees from him. A part of him still wants to fight. Wants to get him back at all costs. But the other one is just tired. So tired…

He stares at Joseph not sure how to react. Finally though he shakes his head.

“What do you expect from me? You show up here, tell me god knows what, and I just can’t remember any of this! For all I know, you’re lying to my face! I’m sorry, but this is already more than I’d normally do!”

He takes a deep breath, trying to stay calm. He deserves none of his anger, but what is he supposed to do? He can’t just restore memories that have been erased as it seems, if that is really what has happened. All he can do is trust his instincts.

"I'm sorry. But I swear to you, I'm not lying. I'd never lie to you. I promised that once. And you promised it back. Of course you don't remember or have to keep it... but I will."

He takes a deep breath to calm down.

“Mobius erased my existence.”

He looks down at the floor, taking a deep breath.

“Kidman gave me some money but that won’t last forever. I won’t find a job without any papers and… I just don’t have the power for anything anymore. So here. Take it.”

He lays down all the banknotes on the table.

“Just… don’t spend it on booze.”

The last sentence earns Joseph a glare from Sebastian, because as much as he seems to know that Sebastian has obviously forgotten, does he know what the last couple of years have been like for him? But all of that aside, even though his own resources are limited, he won’t just take someone’s money.

He shakes his head. The glances of his former lover are hurting him so much.

"Don't you see that I just want to die?", he whispers.

The tears start pouring down again. His Sebastian would have noticed. But this man, this stranger, he would never be his Sebastian again.

Joseph goes to the bathroom and bends over the sink. He feels so sick but he just can’t get anything out. Probably because his stomach is empty. So he just washes his face with icy water and walks back to the living room.

“So…”

He looks at Sebastian who’s sitting there on the couch.

“What now?”

He feels exhausted and somewhat defeated, his head hammering and spinning, the alcohol that’s still running in his system not helping him in either way.

“I don’t know,” he admits, because really, what is there to do now? He still needs to digest what he just learned, and while he takes in Joseph’s appearance, he tries to visualize what it must’ve been like … it gets interrupted by another stinging headache.

“Fuck …!” He presses a hand against his temple and waits for it to vanish while he looks at Joseph. “You got … you said you got nowhere else to go?”

He looks down at the floor, taking a deep breath.

"Kidman gave me some money but that won't last forever. I won't find a job without any papers and... I just don't have the power for anything anymore. So here. Take it."

He lays down all the banknotes on the table.

Joseph just buries his head in Sebastian’s chest and cries. Despite everything, this just what he needs, what he wants, what he came for. He crawls onto him, soaking in his body warmth, his smell, his touch… oh, how he missed him.

“It’s not you fault”, he whisperes. “I think… I might have to throw up.”

Slowly he lets go of him and tries to get on his feet again.

He keeps his arms wrapped around Joseph for as long as he needs it; until he pulls away.

“Yeah, I .. guess you know where the bathroom is?”

"So..."

He looks at Sebastian who's sitting there on the couch.

He just can’t hold back anymore. It’s all too much to handle. So he just screams out all of his agony.

“You and me, we were a couple! Nine years… nine long years I’d been waiting for you. I was so happy with you… but Beacon destroyed everything…”

He wipes away his tears, not able to stop.

“They kidnapped me… did so many horrible things to me… but I always had hope. Hope of coming back to you one day. It’s just too much… it’s all too much…”

He falls down on his knees, not able to stand anymore.

“I thought I’d finally have my happy ending… but every time I think that it just gets worse and worse!”

He doesn’t know what to say, and he doesn’t want to imagine how Joseph feels like. What it must be like for him to return and find that your partner doesn’t …

He eventually feels able to move again, scrambling to his knees next to Joseph and putting a hand on his shoulder, just to do something. There isn’t anything he can say, not really. Nothing can change what has been done, what is still happening, but he can at least try to give some comfort, and he pulls him into his arms, hoping it will do any good in calming him, in making him stop crying and … and what else? Sebastian doesn’t know.

"It's not you fault", he whisperes. "I think... I might have to throw up."

“Because I love you!”

He shouts it at him, regretting it right afterwards. No, god, he lost control…

“Oh god, forget it… forget it…”

He steps back, almost tripping over the couch table.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”

The words are like an echo under water, taking their time until they manage to make it into his mind. What?

He blinks, and if the alcohol hadn’t slowed his movements down so much, he would’ve grabbed Joseph, before he stumbled over the table. Thankfully though, he doesn’t fall. Sebastian’s hand just grabs air, nevertheless.

"You and me, we were a couple! Nine years... nine long years I'd been waiting for you. I was so happy with you... but Beacon destroyed everything..."

He wipes away his tears, not able to stop.

"They kidnapped me... did so many horrible things to me... but I always had hope. Hope of coming back to you one day. It's just too much... it's all too much..."

He falls down on his knees, not able to stand anymore.

“I have to go…”

He shakes his head, wiping away the tears.

“I can’t take this anymore. This is just too much.”

He feels that he is losing grip but he just can’t come back in control.

“I’ve been in hell. And now it gets even worse. I… I just want to rest. Please let me go. You don’t know me… So please let me go… Just let me go…”

Sebastian frowns, and he wants to hold Joseph back, ask more questions, to understand what is going on, what the hell just happened.

He shouts it at him, regretting it right afterwards. No, god, he lost control...

"Oh god, forget it... forget it..."

He steps back, almost tripping over the couch table.

His whole body twitches on the impact. He can’t feel Sebastian’s warm hand through the thick leather jacket but it feels like his whole body would heaten up nevertheless. It makes it so hard for him…

“Sebastian…”

More tears are falling down and even though he avoids eye contact he can feel Sebastian’s glance on him. It makes his heart go faster and faster.

“Don’t think I’m saying this because I want to. It’s just better for you. There is only one thing that’s worse than you not remembering me… and that’s you being in pain because of me. So just… don’t think about me anymore.”

He slowly starts to think that it’s Joseph’s words that only add to his confusion and his headache, because .. well, what is he even talking about? He feels helpless, drunken and disorientated, and he might faintly remember how he handled it when Lily was crying or when Myra was upset, but how is he supposed to deal with a grown man like this? Especially in his own state?

He shakes his head, wiping away the tears.

"I can't take this anymore. This is just too much."

He feels that he is losing grip but he just can't come back in control.

“I don’t want to hurt you…”

The tears start pouring down again, dripping over his cheeks onto the floor.

“Just forget me.”

It’s for the best. That’s the only thought he lets into his mind now. Sebastian was already suffering enough. The memories were gone so why still torturing him?

“Then why are you crying?”

"Sebastian..."

More tears are falling down and even though he avoids eye contact he can feel Sebastian's glance on him. It makes his heart go faster and faster.

“I’m Joseph.”

He gives him a sad smile and reaches out for that hand again. It felt so good feeling it again. He just wants to hold it… but he stops in the movement. That’s something he can’t do to him. It’s the best for him, if he doesn’t have to know… right?

“It’s probably not that bad… if you don’t remember me. I’m just your former partner. Not like I’m important…”

I love you.

That’s all he wants to say but he just can’t. Not in this situation. He has to think of Sebastian… can’t drop the bomb like that… but it hurts so much.

“But …” Sebastian tries to concentrate. “I remember Myra as my partner, and … and after that, there was …”  he flinches again, a sharp pain through his head like being hit  by thunder. At  least that’s what he thinks it must feel like. “I thought after that was only Kidman?”

Or was there more? Could it be? Joseph. The tries that name on his tongue again and it doesn’t feel as alien as he thought it would.

The tears start pouring down again, dripping over his cheeks onto the floor.

"Just forget me."