bc we all love crying over lance, right?
https://archiveofourown.org/works/15134330/chapters/35323920
It feels weird sitting in Redās cockpit in his civilian clothes.
It feels weird having civilian clothes. At least, it feels weird on Earth. Out in space it was so much easier to detach from the idea. Out in space the war is always going on, thereās never an end only breaks. On Earth, all of it seems so far away.
Lance can see the stars. From here to an untrained eye they look like all the other stars in all the other galaxies theyāve seen. But Lance has memorized all of the stars and the constellations specific to Earth. Itās a relief seeing them all again, he relaxes into the feeling like itās a warm blanket. Thereās still a war going on out there, but here Lance feels safe.
He doesnāt know how long heās been sitting in Redās cockpit. It was dark when he sunk out of his room, like he was a little kid and into red and itās still dark now. No sunrise in sight. So, he reasons, he should have more than enough time to sneak back in without worrying anyone.
Ever since he came home a week ago he hasnāt had a second alone. Not that itās a bad thing. The castle had been his only home since he had gone to space, but it was so big and filled with so few the hallways always seemed lonely. Heās missed the comforted chaos of so many people in one house. He canāt take a single step without bumping into someone and, god, heās missed it.
But itās slightly suffocating at times. Going from being at a distance with everyone to having at least one person clinging to you at all times in a second feels like jumping into a cold pool. From the moment he knocked on his door a week ago to now someone has always been with him. Nieces and nephews clinging to his legs, his Mamma hugging him whenever he walks by, one of his siblings always having a hold on his arm or shoulder or wherever they can grab. Itās disorientating.
He used to have to hunt down people to hang out with. Now he has to hunt down places to take a breath.
The problem is heāll miss it, when heās gone. Which is probably why guilt threatens to suffocate him when he thinks about getting away for a moment to himself. Heāll miss it. Heāll hate that he didnāt take every moment to be with his family. Heāll regret his selfishness.
Lance tugs his hoodie over his head and slouches into it, trying to hide from those thoughts. Blue would always comfort him when he started spiraling like this, but Red is more hands off. Just being near her both helps and hurts and Lance hates himself for it.
The air around him is quiet, no regular sounds of night able to sneak in past Red. Only Lanceās breathing and the soft beeps from Redās control panel keep him company. Which is probably why he jumps a foot in the air when a door behind him opens.
In space, Lance would react like a Paladin. Bayard drawn, up and in fighting stance, just in case. On Earth, he reacts like a kid caught in a cookie jar, sinking into his seat and pulling the strings on his hoodie to hide his face.
There isnāt a need to check who it is, Lance already knows.
āLeonardo.ā His Mamma whispers his name, the same way she whispered a prayer as she hugged him before he left for the Garrison. Itās the only name she calls him by since he came home. One day he came home and asked to be called Lance, and she had agreed to it, but he hasnāt heard her use that name once in the past week.
āMamma.ā He isnāt sure if sheās here to scold him for sneaking out and scaring him. Before he it would have for sure been that, but now a days he isnāt sure of anything anymore. āWhat are you doing here?ā
She hums softly, footsteps echoing in the cockpit as she approaches. She stops at his chair, but doesnāt touch him. āA mother can always tell when a child is out of bed, you know that.ā
Lance coughs out a wet laugh and pulls back his hood to peek out at her. āCould never get anything past you, huh?ā
His mother isnāt looking at him, sheās staring straight ahead, out of Redās window and up at the stars. Not for the first time this week Lance is struck by how much sheās changed. Overall she looks how he remembers and her hugs are still warm and she still smiles softly at him when he comes downstairs in the morning. But now her smiles are accompanied by teary eyes and thereās a furrow in her brows that wasnāt there before. Her hair, the same dark brown that Lanceās is, is streaked with grey. And thereās bags under her eyes that Lance doesnāt remember seeing before.
Everytime Lance thinks about it his throat starts to close up and his eyes start to sting. Itās his fault. Even though no one will directly say it, no one will yell it at him like he deserves, he knows that this is his fault.
āNone of you can.ā His mother agreed with a little nod of her head. āItās so I can keep you four safe and out of trouble. Itās my job to always know where you are.ā
Lance doesnāt say anything about her voice cracking and she doesnāt say anything about the tears in his eyes.
āIt is also my job to know when somethingās wrong. So, Leonardo,ā she turns to him and cups his cheek with her hand, āwhatās wrong?ā
Heās imagined this conversation before, itās practically all heās been thinking about since his first day back. He was never sure when or where or even how heād tell her, but he imagined something calmer. Maybe somewhat heroic, telling his mother he would have to go back into space to continue to fight for freedom throughout the universe. Or maybe heād do it somewhere comforting, in soothing tones at the same place on the beach that she would take him when he was younger.
But now that heās had time to be at home and unwind the exhaustion of fighting a war has settled deep into him. Itās soaked through his skin right to his bones and left him shaking and fragile. He canāt have this conversation right now, not with his mother. Itās obvious from the way that instead of a response a sob bubbles up from his chest. He tries to bite back the next one, jaw clenched so tight his teeth ache, but itās no use.
He hadnāt imagined sitting in Redās chair, his mother sitting next to him, holding him so close heās half in her lap. Sheās whispering, softly, in Spanish, running her fingers through her hair, but he canāt make a word of it out. He thinks she might be shaking too, but he canāt tell.
Outside the ship itās still dark when heās finally calm enough to look. His whole body is still shaking so hard his teeth are chattering, but at least he can somewhat breath again. Pressed against her chest, he can hear his motherās heartbeat loud and true over the blood rushing in his ears. He could fall asleep right here, and never wake up.
āI donāt want to go back.ā Lance forces himself to whisper, because he knows he canāt stay here all night. Each word takes up more energy than he has to give, his eyelids droop closed. āI canāt.ā
His mother starts humming, a lullaby from long ago that Lance canāt remember the name of. Her fingers tighten in his hair.
āIāve missed so much here. All of you. I- even at the Garrison, it wasnāt this bad. I donāt think I can do it again. Out there itās- I donāt know if- I-ā almost died he finishes in his head. She can never know. No one in his family can ever know how for a moment out there he was dead, before Allura pulled him back. They can never hear a word of it.
It still shakes him to his core.
āI know, I know.ā She whispers even though they both know she doesnāt ā she never will know anything close to it ā because itās what Lance needs to hear. āOh, my sweet, sweet boy, I know you donāt want to leave. You never did. I still remember you trying to get me to talk you out of going to the Garrison because you didnāt want to leave us.ā
She lets out a laugh and somehow itās the brightest thing heās ever heard. āYour dream since you were a boy, and you were too worried about all of us to dive in head first like you shouldāve. Scared that weād need you, scared of the events youād miss, of the memories you wouldnāt be apart of. But I didnāt these worries overtake you, because you canāt let us hold you back.ā
Gently, she pushes him away just enough so that he can look up at her. She smiles, dampened with sadness but still loving. āYou have to go back. You know it, all of us know it. No one holds it against you. Itās not just about our family anymore, itās about the universe. And if I could I would never let you leave the house again. After spending all that time thinking you were lost to us forever, I never want to let you out of my sight.ā
His mother sighs, brushing his bangs back from his forehead. āBut Iām not that selfish, and I know you arenāt either. I raised you to not be. So, go, save the universe. Come back when you can, try to send messages.ā
āI will, Mamma.ā Lanceās voice cracks and he quickly nods. āI will. Iāll send messages all the time, youāll get sick of them.ā
āJust promise me one thing, Leonardo.ā She stares into his eyes, already searching for the truth of this promise. āPromise me youāll come back to me. Youāll come back alive and okay.ā
I died out there, Mamma. The unspoken words are just on his lips, tingling and painful.
āI promise, Mamma.ā He says instead, and lets her pull him in again.
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