I was uncomfortable. After I travelled half the world to fix what you broke. After I met an amazing person who helped me let go of the pain, of you. After I drank away all the hurt and let random guys define my happiness for a while. After I smoked away every single part of you in me. After all the growing and letting go, I felt uncomfortable the first time I met you after good 3 months.

I was a new person, the one you didn’t know at all. The one you didn’t touch/ feel or even heard of. I was broken but I sure was growing, growing away from you, without you in the picture.

Maybe that is why it felt so uncomfortable, extremely noticeable that too. You could see it the first time we met, on my face. The first time you hugged me with how my body reacted. The first time we clicked a picture alone, my smile gave it away.

Yes, I loved you but being around you suffocated me. I couldn’t breathe because I was scared that if I showed you 1% of the new me, I would let you back in and that would’ve destroyed me.

Whatever it was, I was not comfortable with your presence. Maybe that’s why we never got back together even when there might’ve been SO much love.

because we all need a little reminder letter every now and then~

i miss my old self. i miss the self that was bold, fierce and strong. i miss the version of myself that used to go to bed after hell lotta overthinking only to realise that i am at the best and happiest point in life and it could only get better from here. i miss the version that used to enjoy sunsets while jamming to her favourite music because times were simpler and life was finer. i miss telling myself to let go of people and actually letting them go because i knew they didn’t belong and that i shouldn't waste my time on them. i miss being the independent, carefree yet responsible person i was who had just got out of college and who was damn fearless and never had to think twice before standing up for the things she believed it. i owe it to her, i owe it to her to change. to become a better person, if not the versions described above but at least a better version than what i am right now. i owe it to her not just because she was fierce, happy and bold but because she was a goddamn inspiration for me to wake up everyday and drive towards improving myself. and i soon will because i know she is there, deep down, but she just needs a little push to come out of the bubble of being home for over a year and i know she will, soon. till then, take care.

Life works in weird ways doesn’t it?

Here I am sitting and thinking about all the promises we made to each other about being a part of each other’s lives, no matter what and doing all these insane impromptu things together only to fall apart and reach a conclusion that we’ll never be where we were only to meet that rainy afternoon while we’re in two different continents where you are by the beach and I am sitting in a washroom and bawling my eyes out because you were telling me how much you missed me and yet again, here we are, a year later, in the same shit hole where we are strangers again. Life is too funny. 

When I lost you the first time, I thought we were done because even though fate brought us together, I also felt like it was telling me to move on as we didn’t belong together, even after all that we’ve been through, TOGETHER.

When I realised it and started to get over things, it got you around again only for me to be in this situation where even if I want to fight for us, I don’t want to be the only one putting in the efforts to have you in my life when you practically don’t care or when you’re too oblivious to realise that I’m not there anymore.

But why does my stupid heart not listen? Why does my stupid heart not give up on our friendship? Why is it screaming at me to wait for you and not give up because the love we had is worth more than a pandemic ruining relationships. 

I know that its been a while since we parted but I’d be lying if I say that you never crossed my mind. I remember telling  how you should move on and find someone who is perfect for you. I remember telling you how I’ll be perfectly alright when you will find the girl of your dreams who’ll give you the unconditional love you deserve. Who’ll give abundant happiness that I failed to give. I wish I was as fine about it as I told you I would be. I’ll try though. I'll try to be strong and happy about it but certain thoughts will always surface my mind whenever I see you with her.

 I just can’t help but wonder if you’ll take her to the movies and end up making out the whole time, like we used to? Will you cuddle and drool all over her when you are sound asleep, like you used to with me? Will you cancel all your plans for the day and stay in, in your sweats and order a freaking large cheese pizza like we used to? Will you both end up laughing your asses off over a stupid meme and you end up kissing and telling her how happy and in love you are like you told me? Will you bring her Ferrero Rochers the next day because you wanted to make it up to her after fight the previous night like you did with me? Will you get her ice cream at 10 in the night just because you were passing by the ice cream centre and that reminded you of her? Will you even go onto your terrace to smoke in the middle of the night and text her how much you miss her because that was the place where you first kissed her? Will you constantly keep annoying her but never fail to show her how much you love her? Will you pull her closer, bend a little because shes short and kiss her gently, while thinking about how perfect everything is? Will you ever love her like you loved me? Will you? Because I can’t okay? I can’t love anyone like I ever loved you. Its hard.

I think this is how life works you know?

One day you’re this amazing person everyone adores and then the next day, you cry yourself to sleep thinking about how you have no people who will stand up for you. You start thinking about how everyone who has been close to your heart left and all you do is start blaming yourself for so many people, who promised to always be there, leaving. 

So instead of fighting for them, all you do is give up and say “People always leave”.  You shut yourself out. You stop letting people in and stop getting attached to anyone cuz you know that they’ll also eventually leave and you know that you’re too weak to go through another heart break. 

But no matter how much you try and stop it, you get attached to people, yet again. And when they get busy with their lives and you lose contact, you find yourself at square one thinking how you could’ve stopped it all from happening. At that moment, all you think you can do is cry your eyes out and complain about how you have no one to console you or you can just pick up the broken pieces of your heart and move on because darling you have to be your own hero and save your own life because you deserve the best love you can get.

And there it was, an awkward silence. The silence that reminded me that things aren’t the same between us anymore. That told me to let go of all the hopes of us talking to each other again. That told me that we don’t belong together. But it hurts you know? It hurts that two people who used to complete each other’s sentences, don’t even look at each other in the eye anymore. It hurts that people who used to laugh together, don’t even smile at each other anymore.  We just stopped talking, almost like the time between us froze. I never asked you why and neither did anyone else. We just let go. We just let go of all the things we had between us and the fact that you don’t even bother to fix things makes my heart ache. 

1:30 am, Mc Laren's pub.

I stand with a glass of beer in my hand, wondering why do people drink?

Why do people get wasted, puke and wake up the next day with their head pounding but still decide to go out and drink again? Why does alcohol play such a huge role in people’s lives these days?

Then I see my friend, who just broke up and was upset all day, I see her laughing her ass off to a joke that the bartender just told her. I don’t see her upset, sad, broken or in distraught. Then it hit me:

Literally every living soul on this planet drinks to let go of things for a while. Temporary pleasures you see?

We often drink a lot because we want to forget the pain and heaviness we have in our hearts. For us, alcohol is a temporary drug saves our heart from crumbling into pieces. It saves us from all the agony life has always been throwing at us.

We do everything to move on. We know its hard but still we give our hearts a push and try to move on and do you know what gives us the courage to do so? Alcohol. Fucking alcohol. We get drunk, kiss the wrong person, hook up with them and wake up the next day pretending it was fine. We will do anything to forget the pain the past gave us and try to act normal. 

“I want to be in a relationship!!!” people say and get all upset that they do not have a ‘person’ in their life to rely on, have fun, cry with and who’ll be there for them in all sorts of situations.

What they often fail to realise is that they have this amazing group of people around them who’d do the same as any sort of boyfriend/ girlfriend would do. 

People over emphasis the whole relationship thing. They think having a partner makes their life complete but they don’t understand how hard it is to find a group of people who adore you and love you like no one else ever can. They’ve always got you back, always crave for your happiness and would do anything to see you smile.

I'd die for it, I’d do absolutely anything to have that in my life but sigh, I don’t have it. I don’t have that deep friendships where people shouldn’t care about drinking vodka or whiskey. I want that insane friendship where you can just drive along, yelling out the lyrics to the songs you listen to, dreaming about unimaginable adventures to do in the future and just having fun :’)