loresworld

wuf wuf arhfg

rawr

my truth fully realized, down the most minute detail..

easily consumable to anyone who's ever wondered what to make of me...

Finally something capable of being understood, and thus capable of more..

Humanity, compassion, personhood, autonomy...

and in that universe,

-

I am torn apart.

ripped from limb to limb, hanged by my veins, dissected for the disgust of the masses..

For I am not one allowed to be whole,

Personhood is not something possible of being afforded to me,

I remain safe only in the passing observance of others,

For if I give them all of me,

I will be entirely destroyed.

I have no faith in the goodness of others. There is nobody saving me, who shows everyone they should just try to understand first, have patience, those virtues are for people. And that is something I will never be.

And the answer is conformity.

I knew the experiences I was experiencing were different, I knew there was something different about me. I just couldn't articulate it. And since my first experiences in trans spaces was as a young child in truscum spaces - my self perception was naturally tainted.

Picture this, a dysphoria ridden little kid who knows there's SOMETHING wrong, surrounded by a bunch of perisex people who have wildly wrong perceptions of intersex people (so my experience had to be normalized to a perisex one), and most of them were self hating trans dudes with a true toxic masculinity problem.

The environment forced me to conform to what I was told I HAD to be, lest I was told I was a pretender and a horrible person making a mockery of REAL trans people. They basically decided, while ignoring all my actual lived experiences, that I was "too female" (which means anything at all) to not be just. "An AFAB" - so thus I was transmasc. Or a liar. Any non perinormative experience ignored, which is hellish when your transsexuality is borne so innately in your intersexuality. It's the chicken and the egg.

And because I didn't know many better and I knew this is the only space I could've had for me, I went along with that. For years. And I was miserable as I forced myself into a manhood that wasn't for me. Only when I started genuinely going back and allowing myself to experience did I find out what was in front of me the entire time.

I have successfully landed in a position IRL where I can get some resemblance of womanhood.

To my family, it is a privilege I am sometimes afforded (only for it to be taken away at will, as a sort-of torture tactic left over from childhood that I never got free of..)

and to the outside world! I am a woman (when I put in effort to hide all my obvious 'male' traits)

im only OCCASIONALLY in danger

and naturally.

And I would agree, in a way, my intersexuality has landed me in a situation not a lot of perisex transfeminized people could land. And I do not ignore that. I feel incredibly privileged to have landed in a place where I am effectively stealth & my family can't say shit to assign me as however since I am leaving soon..

I recognize where I stand, and I make sure to give back to my community who are not so fortunate.

But I feel like it's all anyone ever sees.

If I can acknowledge that as horrible of a situation I have, it still in a certain light can looked privileged,

why can others not recognize how severely I still am oppressed? in danger?

I'm STEALTH, I aint cis! I have been outed several times and it's put me in danger. i have peers discussing whether or not I have the right to exist, and others debating whether or not people like me are really evil men. I am not safe. I can have the vaguely femme voice all I want and the long hair to try and hide my hairline - but at the end of the day it is kids in a trench coat.

So many intersex women out there's lives are ruined when they are found out - and they were people with a lot more of an "argument" for being 'female' than me!

idk I am writing this under a lot of issues with my medications so idk how to word this correctly.

But TLDR: just because I am stealth does not mean my ass if safe. I am in constant fear of being found out because I know that for me, it means almost 100% chance of violence against me.

unfortunately, this for some reason comes with the only few people who also post about him and enjoy him to this extent being really weird about him being jewish.

ich bin cool...

eine transfrau und xenic :3

ein hund! IRL! ich bin ein dackel aber ich bin aber 9 millionen kilometer groß (ist wahr!!)

intersexuell

18

I feel okay about myself, it's just I involuntarily morph into something new constantly, situation-to-situation, based on my hostile environment -- and it truly leaves your sense of self messed up, and moreso yourself image. There is no solace, either. Interacting with other people is just never-ending identity politics I must play a part in so I can offer myself a baseline of protection.