LORD Ginger Beard

As kids we think that we know nothing and that adults have all the answers. As teenagers we think that we know everything and that everyone else knows nothing. As adults we realise that no one knows anything.

Our butts have the ability to excrete all three states of matter.

Marrying someone because they’re attractive is like buying a watermelon because it’s a really nice shade of green

In some cartoons, Mermaids use starfish as a bra. Starfish has their mouth in the centre of their underside. Mermaids only use starfish to get their nipples sucked constantly.

On a 1 to 10 scale, 5 is actually below average. There are four scores worse, but five scores better.

Ominous positivity

You will be okay. You have no choice.

Everything will turn out fine. You cannot stop it.

You will succeed. It is inevitable.

You’ve got this. It is written.

this is going to end in your favor, and you can’t do fuck-all to stop it.

ok but can we like start a petition for Cards Against Humanity to make a John Mulaney themed pack because i would be willing to spend all my money on that

Do my friends hate me? Or do I just need what’s new pussycat played 7 followed by it’s not unusual followed by what’s new pussycat

Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell the one thing they can’t replace.

THERE’S a sea of drunk toddlers LOOSE! IN THE HOSPITAL

You have the moral backbone of Delta Airlines

Green, purple, orange, pink... Shit. Green?

what’s wrong? nothing in particular but everything in general

If you’re serious about change, you have to go thru uncomfortable situations & stop trying to dodge the process. It’s the only way to grow.