silly with a side of strange

I think the inception of it all came a lot earlier for me than most people. Usually, people point towards a certain media that they engaged with during childhood. I do remember seeing a couple cartoons that involved weight gain of some sort, but I can't really recall the exact episodes. The earliest memory that I can recall didn't come from any media. Rather, it mysteriously manifested in my own mind at around age 5. It was a nightmare where I was outside at school standing in the middle of a line for possibly some kind of celebration. There were balloons and decorations strung around the trees and around some poles to create the line. I don't know why, but for whatever reason I decided to inhale the helium from one of the balloons and began to expand and float into the sky unexpectedly. Strangely nobody else in the line took notice of what was happening, and I hung onto a tree to avoid the possibility of flying into the sun. I woke up shortly afterwards in the middle of the night before soon falling asleep again. I forget almost every dream I've ever had, and I don't dream that often to begin with, so the fact that I can recall a dream from that long ago involving depictions of inflation from an age where I otherwise have no memories must mean it meant something significant? There's also a second nightmare that I also remember at around that same age, although this one is a lot more abstract. I was getting chased by groups of slimes in the parking lot of a library and I headed towards a statue of a rocket ship where the rest of my family was. Then the rocket took off before I could reach it, leaving me abandoned in the middle of the lot as I had no choice but to continue evading. Sometime later, I got stuck between two small semitrucks and then I woke up before I got nearly crushed. Don't know why I still remember this one, but it does have themes of abandonment issues which I may or may not have and I've thought that this might be where slime inflation/weight gain came from.

I've talked about stumbling onto fat fetish content at way too early of an age, and it began at around 10. Note that I didn't have a personal device at all until quite a while later, later than almost all of my peers. At this time, I was primarily accessing the internet through my parents' devices when they weren't in use. Anyways, I don't know how, but I somehow stumbled onto the irl side of fat fetishism on YouTube. For context, it's basically nsfw pornography that generally involves an obese person filming their stomach while doing various erotic activities like 'belly play', 'stuffing', wearing tight clothes, etc. I wish I could have been disgusted and then everything became normal, but I instead got weirdly fascinated by it all. I would watch them and sometimes fantasize about being massive myself through self-insertion. Usually in all those videos the face is intentionally not included or obscured to make this easier, but in turn that also creates an environment where I've seen minors and their bodies getting sexualized because the fetish doesn't require features that show age. The whole thing makes no sense in accordance with my own life, I have been always underweight, I wasn't ever bullied really, none of my family members are overweight, none of my friends have ever been overweight, I generally enjoyed being active, but that didn't matter to this other side of me. Even as a 10-year-old I thought it was all stupid, I knew I was weird, and I was immensely ashamed over it. There were many other reasons involved, but I used to be very talkative when I was younger. Couldn't shut me up and I got in trouble for it on multiple occasions. Then around this time I sort of just effectively went mute and permanently became the 'quiet kid'. I still get asked about why I'm so reserved all the time and "what happened?" from people around me time to time, and it sucks that I just can't answer because I fear all that would happen if I did. If there's one thing to possibly be grateful for, it's that I was isolated from all other social media platforms outside YT, never interacted in any way outside of viewing, and never actually intentionally gained weight because I was terrified at both the questions and judgement from others and the obvious health risks. But I remained ever still curious and continued to wonder what it would be like to be morbidly obese. For a short period at around 13 I looked into hypnosis because I had wanted to get that sort of experience without the downside of health. I ended up not carrying through with it, because I kind of doubted it all to begin with and the fear of health and judgement still remained to keep me from going down that path. I thought of the possibility that I would lose myself completely. Plus, it was really creepy to have a mysterious asmr voice of sorts telling you bizarre things while you lay down and are supposed to relax. The comment sections of those videos kind of scared me to, a lot of it being very roleplay-esque and none of them felt like 'real' people.

The first and probably most major conflict around this whole thing happened only around a year later after initial main discovery at 11. Remember earlier when I said I didn't have a personal device so I would have to be using my parents devices? So that came to bite me in the ass hard. I was using the tablet in my own room looking at this stuff when my mother barged into the room and I couldn't close the tabs fast enough so in panic I just turned off the screen instead as a last resort. But then she ripped it out of my hands and walked away with it despite my fierce resistance. I genuinely believed at that moment that I could be disowned, estranged, or beat up and I cried in bed for a few hours while I could hear the sounds of disappointment permeate through the wall. I claimed that I had stumbled upon it through a malicious link, which obviously wasn't believed because that's stupid. What I had envisioned was thankfully far worse than what actually happened as a result. What actually happened was that the entire situation was kept under wraps without ever being addressed or resolved. I never got asked questions on it, and instead I was kept on a closer watch after that event for good reason, but it didn't matter. It mostly just consisted of being asked what I was doing from time to time and maybe a peek or two, so I had no troubles still continuing my behavior despite what had just happened, and I kept it under tighter wraps. I began to read weight gain erotica since my parents were fairly illiterate in English and technology, so if another incident were to occur, they wouldn't be able to understand any of it. But no incidents ever happened ever again, and to this day that event still never got addressed. I still don't know what they thought of it or if they even remember at this point. I do hold some level of resentment, but it's hard to really blame any party for this particular event. My parents were just doing what they believed to be best while still respecting my own autonomy. After all, the punishment could have been far worse like 24/7 surveillance. And I understand why a parent would have the reluctance to confront their 11-year-old child as to why they were looking at a 300lb person rubbing their stomach.

It wasn't only limited to irl gaining or erotic writing, because I also watched/engaged with a lot of other portrayals of this fetish around this time as well. Watched a couple videos relating to sonic xl at around 8 or 9 but didn't think too much of it at the time since it was before the incident. At 12, I was in a class where we watched both spirited away and Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory. Needless to say I inexplicably got a boner at all the obvious parts. At around 13 I had a small fixation over a playable character named 'Bloatware' in a Roblox game, where the play style revolved around being fat and being protected by others in your team as you spawn infinite food. I watched Mario and Luigi dream team playthroughs when I was like 8, and many years later at maybe around 14 I looked into other games in the series and then I found that boo force-feeding bowser cutscene. I also found tribal hunter while it was still in development at that time and would go on to follow the development of and eventually play it myself in secret along with a couple other fatfur games. At around 16 I played this Roblox zombie survival game and primarily used a build that involved building around the 'gluttony' perk, where I would blow money on burgers that when consumed would raise max HP and scale the player body size, which would increase the damage and reach of a weapon that scaled off health. There was one instance that was a little more special or noteworthy than the others, and that was those Charizard animations from Luke that I came across on YT when I was around 11? Seeing somebody indulging in this weird fetish yet eventually creating multiple completely sfw short films that not only resonated with me but also reached 'normal' people? I felt a certain feeling that I can't really describe, but this moment did stick out as something I remember more strongly.

The shame of it was mostly self-inflicted, although a small part of it has come from other situations over the years. Yes, there was Rain World, but being on Roblox you can imagine there were a lot of cancellations and controversies that I've seen from the sidelines. While this fetish has never been the primary cause of any controversy I've seen, it has been associated with some more unacceptable actions and seeing people my age react to this kind of stuff definitely reinforced my already pre-existing thoughts about it. I don't hold much resentment towards it all though, because again it was mostly self-inflicted and I understand the reasons why people would be against it all. I don't want to overcorrect as a result of feeling like I'm getting back at some arbitrary group of people from the past. I'm in a fortunate position to have people I know in real life whom I can consider friends, but there's still this never-ending feeling of isolation and loneliness. I don't think I've really made a true friend in like a decade. I've only really made like 3 friends myself and they were all from very early childhood when I actually talked at all, and 2 of them naturally fell out due to circumstance like moving out. The remaining person was by sheer luck, very charismatic and ended up making lots of social connections and introduced me to basically everyone else I know today. I am very thankful for that, I don't know what kind of person I would be if I was truly alone. But it still feels shallow, frail, and undeserving. I get afraid at the thought of this all being found and being easily casted away as a result, since I'm not exactly the closest to anyone and an obvious weak link. There's really only maybe 3 people who I feel have a chance of maybe understanding since they've shared some struggles that I think are similar in some ways. Everyone else has little to no chance at all given some things that have been said in the past, albeit people's opinions do generally change on this stuff with time, but I'm not willing to risk anything now, even for those 3 because I fear it could easily leak and spread.

I have made some connections myself, but they were purely from proximity and were always strictly related to some kind of work. It presented something I could talk about without needing to share any information about myself. To this day I'm still anxious over revealing anything I like or do, and having this weird fetish that I couldn't fully understand throughout my life definitely didn't help matters. Only the 3 aforementioned people even know that I've drawn anything ever, and I've never even told them of my main. When I was around 16, there was one person that was kind of chubby, not really fat, who I could kind of consider a friend since we've spent years of being in proximity. We actually did a couple non-work things together like chess, and I was eventually comfortable enough to say I played videogames as a hobby of mine (first time I've ever told this to somebody outside of the circle created for me, as a showcase of how absurdly closed off I am). One day while having lunch alone, while they were eating elsewhere, I had for the first time an intrusive thought of stuffing them and I remember freezing for a second when it happened. It was forced out of my mind immediately after and thankfully never showed up again, and we eventually split from no longer being in proximity anyways. But the fact that I can still remember having this thought is deeply disturbing. Considering it was the only person I've ever had the potential to be genuine friends with, at times it feels like I'm just fated to never be close to anybody, for the safety of myself and others. I don't look at the irl side of things anymore, but this was a more recent development than I'd like to admit. I think I was 17 when I fully stopped after truly realizing how dangerous it all was. I hate that it took me this long to fully internalize it. The main driver was this instance where a 'creator' (I don't like using this term for this but idk what else to use) decided to take a break, and after a few months, came back to express a deep regret for having done any of it. (I found that they had actually done a more formal message around a year ago that I had missed. And I think it's valuable to repeat here.)

But there's also other quite horrifying cases of people passing away from it. Another one I remember seemingly mysteriously disappearing, and I didn't think much of it. It's not uncommon for people to just stop posting this stuff entirely, or taking extremely long breaks, or moving to a paid platform after getting enough of an audience. But it was only much later did I uncover that they had actually passed away from covid-19 at a young age, and nobody seemed to care really. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that obesity dramatically raises the mortality rate, meaning they likely wouldn't have died if it wasn't for this fetish. You could say it was their decision and nobody forced them to do this, and you would be right. But the feeling is still unpleasant regardless even knowing it. There's a lingering guilt for having even just viewed this material. I never paid for anything obviously and only lurked, but I was part of the numbers game that perpetuates so much of modern internet behavior nonetheless. I was raised in a collectivist culture, and I have relatives who were applauded for being very successful in the traditional sense. Exceptionally intelligent, good-looking, charismatic, a promising career, put-together, etc. From the start of my existence a sort of hope and expectation was placed on me to be similar. I got compared a lot to them growing up and for a long time I showed a promise worthy of garnering some praise from instructors, friends, relatives, and classmates over the years. But that praise always felt hollow, because as you can imagine I had no self-esteem and I never believed myself to be much of anything. My only hobby that I spent any significant time on was playing video games, and I had this thing about me I couldn't tell anyone. As much as I've talked about this fetish here, it really didn't take up like that much of my thoughts in any given day for a very long time compared to video games. Didn't really matter the game, I played tons of forgettable trash on Roblox all the time to pass the time since I wasn't allowed to purchase anything. I was told that it was an addiction, but I never believed it to be true, after all addiction ruins lives right? And my academics didn't exactly suffer because of it anyways. Got into a good academic institution and everything was looking up until when I had to live alone and separated from everyone.

When fully isolated, my well-being got pretty terrible. I don't want to call this anorexia, because I don't really ever control or monitor my weight or what I eat. I haven't stepped on a scale for a long time because I don't really care and it's basically always been the same. But while alone I've had numerous days where I've starved myself despite having the thought of "yeah I should be getting food right now", subsisting off of a couple hard candies instead. I generally ate like shit anyways and I've also binged once but I didn't purge or whatever, I just felt physically and mentally sick afterwards. I also began to play video games more degenerately, to where it was starting to impact my sleep pretty badly and unsurprisingly my performance took a large dip. I spent time back with family and I got comments about how skinny I was, along with being scolded for not performing up to their expectation of course. I was given some leniency because it was the first time I've lived alone after all, and next time I could fix everything to get back on track.

I have standards of my own, and I was determined to make some change. My primary goals were to cut off gaming entirely, and to be a little healthier this time around regarding food. It was looking pretty good for a while. I was no longer starving, I made an effort to be a little more fit, this fat fetish I genuinely thought to be gone, or at the very least not as impactful anymore since I haven't engaged with it in any capacity for a long time, and I had massively cut back on videogames pretty effortlessly which made my sleep times not as messed up. But maybe it was a little too effortlessly in hindsight. My hypothesis is that because I dumped this thing I used as a coping mechanism, my mind sort of just automatically replaced it with the next thing, which happened to this fat fetish. It would somewhat explain why it wasn't really prevalent at all for that time. I didn't know it at this point, but it would be much different than how it was before. For the longest time none of this did much, even despite finding it at such an early age. I was turned on sure but never did sexual activity of any kind. All the "normal" areas of attraction like the breasts, ass, hips etc. held no interest, if not a little repulsive. But then one day around very late 2025, I was in bed at night reading weight gain erotica as I have done many times before. But this time was different. I don't know what came over me that day, the entire moment happened in a blur, but for the first time I got so aroused my brain kind of just melted. I started masturbating and rubbing my dick on the bed, and then I had an orgasm for the first time. The second after it happened, I came to my senses and had this bizarre combination of pleasure, shock, disgust, and guilt. I had always known I was weirdly into this stuff. I was extremely self-conscious and unhappy with it for so many years, but that moment felt like a point of no return in my mind that I was too far gone from any semblance of normalcy. I never understood why people engaged in activities like sex or drinking or drugs until then. I've never done any substance, but I was curious and apparently cocaine is like approximately 2-3x as much dopamine as sex which is scarily close. It already felt like a high injected straight into my skull and my head hurt from all the swirling emotions.

One of my greatest fears after that, was that I was extremely close to the path I witnessed when I was younger. That only a misstep could send me on a spiral of similarly unwanted self-destructive behavior. The worst part? I started getting compulsions of doing it again, and despite initial mental resistance I eventually submitted to those compulsions. I still have #fatfur and other related tags filtered on my account. It went from a one-off incident to a weekly thing, and then to an almost daily ritual, at times even multiple times a day. But doing it so many times didn't make the guilt go away, and I was mad at myself for being so mentally frail to fall for activities I always thought were beneath me. I started to draw this stuff for the first time because when topics and thoughts relating to the fat fetish become all you can think of it's hard to not appease it to some extent. I read a post a couple years before all of this happened, and it had a certain line that stuck out. "Self-hatred only makes you more likely to do something. hate yourself for being into something and it just becomes a compulsion, a way to hurt yourself." If only I had taken it to heart at the time. I was living alone so I couldn't talk to anyone, not that I would have anyways even if I wasn't. I've considered therapy but I've always sort of independently worked things out before, along with being a situation so alien that I doubted anyone could relate. So, I started a document for me to vent in and get some of it down, and I was practically adding to it every day. 53 whole filled pages of thoughts and venting over the course of months, some of which got really bad in hindsight. (warning for being very emotionally charged, I was going through it)

Very rarely at the height of it all, I would have the thought of what if I were to just... kill myself? Like what might happen after if I just stab myself with a knife or run into vehicles? I didn't actually want to obviously, I never attempted or actually devised a plan of any sort, and it wasn't debilitating, but I did have hypotheticals in my mind which does concern me to an extent as infrequent as they were.

I began to pick up running as something I would do sometimes, a way of reassuring myself that despite everything that happened, that I'm still in control to some extent. That at least I wasn't about to degrade physically as a result of my degradation mentally. And it's like proven that exercise helps with mental health anyways. I still go on runs occasionally, but during the heights it was a daily thing that I would do even when my shins began to hurt.

I stopped writing in the document eventually because it turns out constantly writing about your own negative thoughts doesn't help a lot. So I gradually took things to this side blog because then at least it wouldn't be completely isolated to myself, and that's largely how it all started to be what it is now. Here's something from the document a few months ago.

The results were that I performed even worse than I did before. Exams came around and I just couldn't do anything but spiral, and this time I don't have a valid excuse of it just being inexperience. I haven't yet reported back because I fear I'll have to face the inevitable decision of whether to lie or just say what happened, and that's where it all ends for now. Is there a takeaway from all of this? I don't know, I wasn't planning on one, and I have stated that I don't intend for this to change anyone's outlook or behavior. Maybe it's irresponsible to let so much out, but this isn't to garner some kind of sympathy or pity, I just don't want to keep it all bottled up forever. I don't know what the end goal of any of this is, possibly some kind of unintentional self-guided acceptance and commitment therapy? At the very least, hopefully it was an interesting read if you've gotten this far. And again, please don't worry about me I wouldn't have made this if I wasn't at least a little better <3. There are a lot of people out there with way harsher experiences that deserve a lot more support. have a small little voltaic doodle because why not

When I originally created this blog and started suddenly doing a lot more text posts and being more active, I didn't expect anyone to care. I went into it knowing I was just shouting in the void. I mean I had like what 1 follower? But then I got a letter in my inbox, meaning by some miracle somebody out there heard it. There's something always special about the first of anything, and it was motivating in a way that I haven't ever felt before really. I've gotten a few way larger posts with a couple hundred notes on 'main', more than anything I've ever done here by magnitudes, but that didn't compare to a single ask from a random person on the internet that happened to share some similarities.

I was somewhat surprised to have discovered the existence of a well-developed fat kink mod already despite being just a demo. It was apparently allowed to exist by orsoniks when brought up which is double surprising.