you’ll always be my blue valentine ♫

.lılılı.ıllı individual!stray kids (maknae line) x reader ▹

،، genre ﹆ smau | hurt no comfort includes ﹆ stray kids maknae line | major character death | mentions of death | allusion to illness (seungmin’s) | depression and grief | allusion to suicide (han’s) | if you don’t want to be sad just read the first two slides of each member <3 ﹕ ﹒ ⌕

⊹ ⌁ ˖ a/n ﹆ first of all thank you for all the threats and curses left on the hyung line part those are actually the highest praises i could receive as an author choosing to specialize mostly in angst :] secondly it’s also come to my realization not a lot of you might know the trend this is based off soooo here’s the reel that inspired this!

𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍 𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎? ︵ 𝐥𝐮𝐧𝐚’𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐫𝐲 ▥ ▥ ▥

[ hyung line ] [ maknae line ]

⭔ 𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬 ⊹ ⌁ ⃕˖ just asking your boyfriend if he would still love you even if you were a rock~

h. jisung

l. felix

k. seungmin

y. jeongin

┄ ┄ @loonarixsxx ©️

.lılılı.ıllı  individual!stray kids (hyung line) x reader  ▹

،، genre ﹆ smau | angst/no comfort  includes ﹆ hyung line | mentions of death | mentions of nausea/sickness | grieving | inspired by that one trend circulating around a few weeks ago  ﹕ ﹒ ⌕

  ⊹ ⌁  ˖ a/n ﹆ so this is my first smau and i am going to be so fr i have no idea how to make these but thank you to @/kloversung for recommending me postfully~~~!!

𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍 𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎? ︵ 𝐥𝐮𝐧𝐚’𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐫𝐲 ▥ ▥ ▥

[hyung line] [maknae line]

⭔  𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬             ⊹ ⌁ ⃕˖  just asking your boyfriend if he would still love you even if you were a rock ~

b. chan

l. minho

s. changbin

h. hyunjin

┄ ┄ @loonarixsxx ©️

pairing ⊹ ⌁ ⃕˖ individual!ot8 skz x reader

includes ⊹ ⌁ ⃕˖ fluff, kissing, flirting, gets a bit suggestive in some parts but nothing overtly freaky (looking at you chan), skz is whipped for their s/o, no use of y/n, listed x short excerpt format, established relationship, just good ol’ wholesomeness :), implied fem!reader in jeongin’s part, not proofread

notes ⊹ ⌁ ⃕˖ consider this as reparation for “everything left unsaid” (⁠｡⁠•̀⁠ᴗ⁠-⁠)⁠✧♡ i thought this idea was so cute but hadn’t seen anyone do it for skz yet (please PLEASE lmk if there are skz editions for this trend i need it injected into my bones) this was also a quick way just to practice writing for each member, since lots of my unstarted drafts are members ive never written for :]

req&guidelines here ⊹ ⌁ ⃕˖ m.list here

synopsis ⊹ ⌁ ⃕˖ in other words, how fast would each member melt into a kiss with you? (headcanons)

a/n - can you tell that physical touch is my favorite form of affection

.lılılı.ıllı hyunjin x f!reader ▹

،، genre ﹆ fluff includes ﹆yapper!bf x yapper!gf | hyunjin loves drama | fluff & wholesomeness | mentions of shitty people | established relationship | fluff with no plot at all ﹕ ﹒ ⌕

⊹ ⌁ ˖ a/n ﹆ i hope by now ive trained you all to fear when i release domestic fluff because it means i have horrors planned for my next fic | based off me and my bsf’s irl yap sessions she is going thru it (i got her permission for this dw)

𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍 𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎? ︵ 𝐥𝐮𝐧𝐚’𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐫𝐲 ▥ ▥ ▥

⭔ 𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬 ⊹ ⌁ ⃕˖ when no one is more invested in your day than your boyfriend is.

it started out as a peaceful evening. hyunjin was sitting on the couch, awaiting your return so he could order takeout with you, when the doors to the apartment swung open.

“hyunjin.” you tossed your bags and coat into the shoe closet, stumbling as you tried to kick off your shoes while striding towards him.

“my muse.” hyunjin declared dramatically in the same fashion, a hand over his heart as if he were swearing his loyalty to you. you roll your eyes at his theatrics, despite being the one to start it, and collapse into his lap. “what’s the matter?”

as if lit by a spark, you shoot up, eyes full of a fiery intensity. “you’ll never believe what happened today.”

“try me,” hyunjin retorted, subtly tugging you back onto his lap again and hands tracing circles on your hips. too busy steeling yourself to breakdown the events of the day, you didn’t fight back.

“okay, so firstly, when i went to get my coffee this morning, there was a couple in line in front of me, right?” you confirmed, and hyunjin nodded along, regardless of the fact he wasn’t actually there. “get this. the girl was looking at the breakfast sandwiches they had on display, and the guy followed her gaze, before he told her he’s not buying it for her, because it has too many calories.”

hyunjin’s eyes widened, mouth falling open in an incredulous gasp. “no he didn’t.”

you nodded grimly. “oh yes he did.”

“for the record, i would buy you all the breakfast sandwiches you want,” hyunjin defended, scrunching his nose. you laughed, kissing him on the forehead before continuing the story.

“i know you would, babe. but so i had to do something, right? she looked so disappointed, so i very politely told the man that a breakfast sandwich wouldn’t kill her, unless she was allergic to eggs and sausage. you know what he said to me?” you looked at hyunjin expectantly.

“what?” hyunjin prodded, hanging off your every word.

you took a deep breath, eyebrows furling as if the very memory made you disgusted. “he looked me up and down, and said just because i didn’t take good care of myself, doesn’t mean i should force those values onto his girlfriend.”

hyunjin stood up, and you squeaked, tumbling off his lap. “alright, let’s go kill him. how dare he insult my beautiful muse? i’ll get STAY to find his address, doxx him, i don’t care. this is unforgivable, this is treason.”

“hyunjin, calm down,” you laughed, pulling on his sleeve. “i’m not done telling the story yet.”

sitting down with a huff and a pout, hyunjin said sincerely, “this story better end with you punching him in the face, or i’ll do it myself.”

giggling as you swung your legs over his lap, you shook your head. “even better. when she heard her boyfriend say that, the girl immediately looked pissed. girls supporting girls for real, because she walked over to the water station, filled up a cup, and dumped it over his head.”

“no.” hyunjin gasped, eyebrows shooting up in surprise.

“yes!” you said excitedly, eyes sparkling in excitement. “he looked so shocked, he was like, frozen in place. the girl was spitting bars too, she told him off for insulting me, and how disgusting he was, and that he should look in a mirror for once, before dumping him right there.”

“and justice has been served,” hyunjin proclaimed. “someone get her an award for that.”

“actually, the cashier gave her a free breakfast sandwich on the house,” you grinned. “but there’s more! after i shook her hand and applauded her, i went to go shopping with my friend, and she told me she also broke up with her six-month boyfriend a week ago.”

“good. i never liked him,” hyunjin agreed, grimacing. “he was always talking about how muscular men are the perfect specimen and weirdly obsessed with trying to invite me to an escape room with him.”

“i never liked him either! but babe, guess what the reason they broke up was?” your eyes shone with anticipation, and hyunjin thought for a moment, before his jaw dropped.

“no.” hyunjin said in bewilderment, reading your mind.

“yes.” you were practically bouncing with the delight of telling him about what you had learned.

“no.” hyunjin repeated, practically gawking now. “oh my god. it’s all falling into place.”

“she caught him on a gay dating app,” you announced dramatically. hyunjin eyes shot impossibly wide, one hand covering his mouth in disbelief.

after a moment’s pause to let the information sink in, hyunjin grinned. “did he at least have any matches?”

“lots, actually. that’s how she caught him, because one of her friends matched with him on there,” you scrunched your nose. “but yeah, that’s the gist of it. i just thought you’d like to know.”

“i definitely did want to know,” hyunjin smiled. “is that all, or did your day have any more plot twists?”

thinking for a second, you shook your head with a smile tugging at your lips, cuddling up against his side. “thankfully, no. if there were, i think i would’ve combusted before i came home to tell you all about it.”

wrapping an arm around you to hold you closer to him, hyunjin teased, “do you want to order takeout? unlike that garbage man at the coffee shop, i’ll get you anything you want.”

your laugh was like a melody to him. “i could totally eat. you choose the place though, i’m not really particular for anything right now.”

“as my muse wishes. you can pick the movie we watch tonight, then,” hyunjin said softly, opening his phone and beginning the search. when moments ago it had been filled with aimless chatter, your home now fell quiet with nothing more than the sound of hyunjin humming and the remote clicking as you went through the watchlist you and hyunjin had saved, yet it didn’t feel any less full of love.

“thanks for always letting me go on about my day, love,” you smiled up at him, head resting against his shoulder as hyunjin scrolled through the takeout menu.

hyunjin smiled softly, planting a kiss on the top of your head. “my muse, i’m honored to be the one you want to gossip with. especially on days like today, because genuinely what was that?”

“right? like holy shit-”

a/n - need me a bf who lets me yap fr my ex could never

┄ ┄ all works written by @loonarixsxx ©️

.lılılı.ıllı bang chan x f!reader ▹

،، genre ﹆ hurt/comfort includes ﹆ not proofread | extreme angst | depictions of self-hatred | depictions of depression | eldest daughter syndrome | avoidant attachment styles | themes of insecurity and burnout | depictions of mental breakdown and panic attack | toxic family dynamics | i am not a registered therapist | eventual comfort | inner child healing ﹕ ﹒ ⌕

⊹ ⌁ ˖ a/n ﹆ based off this request by anonnie and this request by @anweshaa0310 | where are all my girls who were the unwillingly ordained personal therapists of their family since the age of 12 and hated themselves for caring too much to set boundaries

𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍 𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎? ︵ 𝐥𝐮𝐧𝐚’𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐫𝐲 ▥ ▥ ▥

⭔ 𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬 ⊹ ⌁ ⃕˖ when it becomes second nature to offer your heart to anyone but yourself, you start slipping through the cracks of chan’s hands as he does all he can to save you from yourself.

midnight is safe. midnight is a sanctuary of dead silence and valuable quiet.

in the middle of the night, no one can hear you cry under covers and pillows.

in the middle of the night, no one sees you tear yourself apart and stare at the shreds with a special type of loathing.

in the middle of the night, no one knows how you already begin to dread the following day.

in the middle of the night, no one knows as you nurse the heart that had already broken a long time ago, whispering empty promises for the last strands to hold on just a little while longer. in the middle of the night, there are no eyes analyzing you and no words but the whistling of the wind to drag you down into their same pain. in the middle of the night, it’s okay for everything not to be okay just for a little while, until the sun rises in the east and life once again asks far too much from someone far too little.

midnight is an unspoken mercy where the world allows you to suffocate and drown in peace for a moment, only a moment.

-

january 16th, 8:20 pm.

we went to see the cherry blossoms, they’re blooming all along the street outside our place now! sometimes, i still can’t believe we’re living together now, haha.

while walking, i told her that the flowers weren’t as beautiful as her laugh, and she turned red in a really cute way ~ i still can’t tell if im more in love with her smile or her heart, though, because on our stroll, she ran up to chat with a grandma selling dried fruits on the street and bought a whole bag of them. she doesn’t know it, but when she ran ahead first, the grandma stopped me and told me she had the soul of an angel, and i agree completely.

afterwards, we headed to a cafe, and of course, my angel made so many new friends quickly. a little boy was running around too fast and almost tripped, but she thankfully caught him, and scolded him playfully before taking his hand to go look for his parents, who turned out to be the owner of the cafe.

it’s weird, but i can’t shake the feeling that she looked almost… disassociating when the mom hugged her son tightly and warned him not to run around like that. i’m sure i was imagining it, though. she doesn’t talk about her childhood or family a lot, but-

ah, i gotta head out, jisung just texted that he needs me at the studio for something. it sucks i don’t think i’ll be back before she goes to sleep, but tomorrow’s still sunday, so i can make her breakfast in bed~ maybe i can use some of the dried fruits she bought?

january 17th, 0:08 am.

the sleep deprivation really is getting to me, haha. i swear i heard hiccups in the house when i came back from the studio, but she was fast asleep in bed, so there’s probably a ghost in the house? haha, i guess i’ll head to sleep for real now.

january 30th, 2:04 am.

another late day, jeez this really is a busy season for us. she’s so understanding, of course. sometimes i wish she wasn’t, but that’s arrogant of me to think. one thing i’ve learned after a month of living together, she, well, doesn’t really ever ask for anything. i still always ask and double-check, but she’s so insistent about it that it scares me a little bit.

i don’t think there’s any need to worry too much, though, i hope she knows she can come to me for anything she needs. lately, i haven’t even been able to get home until really late at night, so she asked for permission to go out on a day trip with her friends.

probably overthinking, but it feels unsettling that she wants to ask for permission for that? like, it’s different from just letting me know or giving me a heads up, right? of course i granted it, and i told her she doesn’t need to ask, but she laughed and brushed it off, saying it was just for her own reassurance too, which now that i think about it was a weird way to word it.

thinking about this will probably make me go crazy, aha. lots of people grow up in different environments with different norms, right? as long as she feels comfortable and safe, than it’s not a big deal ~~~

february 9th, 10:32 pm.

ever since we moved in together, i’ve gotten to see so many adorable new sides of her, and i swear i fall more in love with her every time i do.

when we’re having movie nights, she always starts on one side of the couch and slowly inches her way over, but if i move towards her, she freezes like an alarmed cat, it’s honestly so cute. she always cooks too much for dinner, so i get to sneakily eat the leftovers heh, although i’m starting to think she does it on purpose.

it’s getting way too busy lately, i miss her so much it’s actually crazy. the members have caught me staring at my lock screen (a picture of her, of course) multiple times during rehearsal breaks, and i don’t think they’ll ever stop bringing it up.

i’m a little worried she’s not taking good care of herself, because she’s getting darker eye circles even though i swear she’s always asleep by the time i get back, and every time i ask her about how her day was, it seems like she never has any complaints. not that i want her to have anything to get upset about, of course!

seriously though, sometimes she’ll tell me about something that happened with that same unwavering smile, even though the stuff that happens would definitely annoy me if i was in her shoes. ah, but once again, if she’s safe and comfortable… i’ll just quietly get angry on her behalf then, haha.

speaking of nothing in particular, Valentine’s Day is coming up, and even though she tries to be inconspicuous and barely ever gives me any hints on what to get, i caught her admiring a silver necklace on one of our walks a few weeks ago, and according to the text i just got, it’s ready for pickup tomorrow! she’s going to be sooo surprised~

february 14th, 11:43 pm.

it’s Valentine’s Day, and i managed to convince the managers a while back to give me a day off today so i could plan a whole special day for us! we haven’t been able to get a lot of alone time together, and i’ve been missing her a lot to be honest TT she’s always worrying over me too, so i decided it was the perfect time to repay her for everything.

this morning, i woke her up with breakfast in bed, and she started tearing up. i tried to tell her it was just breakfast, but she insisted on making it up to me. somehow, i didn’t even notice she was hiding a whole box of valentine’s gifts in the closet??

she’s seriously the most perfect girlfriend ever, she got me a new set of headphones and laptop case, and that super new massage gun. i don’t think i’ve even mentioned to her that my back has been really sore recently, can’t believe she even noticed.

we went on a date to the same restaurant from our first date, and after the classic who-gets-to-pay argument (i finally won, for once haha) we went on a walk near the han river, and i gave her the necklace i bought her with her birthstone. it’s definitely not enough to be equal for the amazing gifts she got me, but she said it was already too much, so i hope that means she likes it~!

since we stopped for takayaki, we only got back just now, and she fell asleep almost immediately in bed. i had to make a few calls, so i’m in the kitchen right now. seriously, i don’t think my body is used to sleeping this early, so i might just read beside her until i doze off. being around her just has that way of making me feel like i can let down all the weight from my shoulders…

-

you stared at the closed door, hugging your knees to your chest. chan was still on call with his manager, you could hear his phone on speaker.

the gems in the necklace he had given you reflected in the moonlight streaming from the window above your stand, the promises of love that it had come with echoing in your head like pounding drums.

why? why would he give you this? how were you supposed to just accept it so easily, without paying him back, without feeling like you owed him something in return now?

the very thought of being loved unconditionally made your heart and throat twist. to receive affection and adoration without earning it first was a concept your body seemed to reject to the point of nausea.

it was getting harder to breathe. it was getting harder to even look at chan without feeling as if your chest would be crushed under the way he expressed his love for you as naturally as breathing. why? why? why? why?

your gaze shifted to the clock on the nightstand beside you, watching as the seconds ticked by and the numbers pulsed.

11:59:58… 11:59:59… 12:00:00… 12:00:01... 12:00:02…

maybe you would never escape being that child crying in silence under the blankets. maybe you would never learn how to be someone that deserved to be loved, and that was why you couldn’t accept the idea of a love without a price.

but god, you were tired of only being able to feel that high by tearing yourself apart and selling the pieces.

-

february 20th, 8:26 pm.

she’s… crying.

i don’t think she knows i came home early. she’s in the bathroom right now, i can hear the sink running. i can hear the sobs shaking through her body. her side of the bed is littered with tissues.

… whatever happened must’ve been really bad for her, of all people, to cry like that.

-

it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts-

it was burning, it was static, it was clawing at your throat and stretching you thin and hanging you to dry.

you stare at the reflection in the mirror, of someone too selfish to just. handle. it. the reflection of someone dying from the inside out for wanting to be loved, yet only wanting the mask of her to be loved.

the longer chan loved you as if it was simply the easiest thing in the whole world, the more you felt like you were suffocating because he didn’t really love you, right? how could he love you without expectations?

well, don’t you love chan unconditionally? a small, insolent voice that you thought you had strangled piped up, sounding like a naive child.

that’s different, you shoot back. of course you would love chan no matter what, but as for you…

you’re simply unloveable if you don’t have a purpose.

yes, that was why chan seemed to believe he truly loved you. because chan only knew, and therefore, only loved the version of you that you presented, the only version he’d ever known, the only version you’d ever show him. bright-eyed, smiling, perfect, kind and selfless and convenient and obedient and wanted for nothing yet gave everything and never faltered and never stopped and never… never fell apart.

you look up from the marble counter, looking once more at the mirror holding someone who could never truly be that version. someone who broke down simply from being exhausted by playing a part that was meant to come to her naturally.

seeing the reflection of yourself with dried streaks of tears and red roses blossoming across your face unevenly, of the you hidden and stuffed behind peeling layers you had tried so desperately to glue back together, only one thought bubbled forth in your mind.

she’s so ugly.

-

february 21st, 7:45 pm.

i couldn’t shake the weird chill down my spine i got when i heard her crying that day, it felt like something i never should have heard but i…

when she walked out, her face had this expression that looked so tired, so hollow and… almost defeated, but it was only for a second before that smile, that smile i fell in love with and that crinkle under her eyes swallowed that face. she ran up and hugged me when she noticed me standing in the kitchen, as if she hadn’t been crying with the most heartbreaking, detached sobs i’d ever heard.

i wanted to ask what happened. why she’d been crying, but there was just… never an opening. she kept talking and going on as if nothing ever happened. i might have thought i hallucinated it, honestly, if it weren’t for the way her voice had this hoarse edge, as if her throat had been stripped raw, the way her cheeks were still spotted red and pink.

she always taps her index finger under the table on her leg like a metronome, quietly and in a far too uniform rhythm when she’s nervous inside. she did the same thing on our first date, the day we signed the lease papers, backstage waiting for me at our concert…

all that to say, i came home early again, earlier than i did yesterday and…

the same running sink. same hyperventilating breaths hidden behind rushing water. same tear-stained tissues scattered across her half of the bed.

how long has this been going on? how haven’t i noticed? dammit, i’ve been so busy with the comeback and everything else but i… there’s really no excuse for this. i feel like i failed her.

will i make it worse if i ask her about it when she comes out? i don’t even know the reason she’s upset, i don’t even know where to start, but if she’s hurting and i don’t do anything about it, that feels infinitely worse.

she’s always so composed and bright and positive, she’s always there for everyone else…

i promise i’ll be the one who’s there for you, now.

-

get over it.

you’re better than this.

what happened to being mature for your age?

aren’t you a little too old to still be crying like this?

stop overreacting.

how many times had those words sliced you open like a gutted fish before you learned not to let the tears escape the floodgates?

enough. enough for it to be drilled into your psyche that crying in front of others was humiliating and pathetic. anything other than a masquerade smile was reason for shame.

so why was chan, sat on the bed, hugging you the moment you left the bathroom?

why was he whispering promises to be there for you, his own voice cracking with emotion?

your limbs felt heavy and frozen, unsure how to reciprocate, unable to process anything but the red-hot embarrassment boiling inside you.

breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. oh, but you couldn’t. chan’s comfort felt like a violent mockery, the tips of your fingers were shaking, your throat felt like it was closing up.

stop it, please, stop it, please, please, please, stop saying it’ll be alright, please stop acting as if you’re handling something fragile, please stop seeing and knowing and caring and loving.

you opened your mouth, then closed it, then shakily repeated the script you’ve been swearing yourself by all this time.

“i’m fine,” you said, tongue feeling heavy with the lie. “really, i’m alright. it was nothing.”

chan pulled away, eyes still lidded with concern, eyebrows furled in that skeptical expression. “are you sure?”

you knew he saw the way your fists were curled up tight, nails digging into the skin deep enough to leave red crescent moons. and still, you smiled as if he were speaking nonsense. “yes, i’m okay chan, why wouldn’t i be?”

why wouldn’t you be okay?

nothing was wrong, after all, except you. oh, how the thought of you felt wholly nauseating in every deformed and mangled way possible.

“i’m here for you, yeah?” chan said softly after a moment of silence ticked by. “it’s okay to let it out sometimes.”

those words were about… years too late. they sank deep into your skin, phrases you had whispered to yourself in denial when you began to hate yourself for hating yourself, delusions to believe if only for a second that something wasn’t broken within you.

funny then, that the words you had craved like a lifeline coming from the one who had done nothing to prove otherwise made your skin crawl with insects and your stomach to recoil.

how laughable. it was positively laughable how disgusting and narcissistic you were.

something wet and burning trickle down your cheek, and you wondered if it was raining indoors. you wondered why chan looked so heartbroken for someone who was no longer perfect.

even now, when the perfect visage you had so carefully crafted just for him was splintering, chan’s hand still came to your face to gently wipe away the tears betraying your resolve.

“no,” you whispered, the word so foreign on your lips.

chan watched you for a moment, but let his hand moved away from your cheek to rest against the mattress.

“you don’t have to tell me what happened,” chan began, as much as you internally begged him not to finish his words. “but just know i love you, okay?”

he sounded so sure, so doubtless. as if hearing you break at the seams and crumple like a ragdoll hadn’t changed how he loved you at all, when to you, it was surely the final straw to send him curling back in repulsion.

and yet, he sat there, still so confident that he loved you through it all.

why couldn’t you accept anything without strings, without motives?

your breaths began to come out shorter and catching in your throat.

because if you accepted chan, if you stopped treating his devotion as if it were burning and numb and a facade,

your hands began trembling, twitching in the air as if trying to grasp some last shred of sense and dignity to no avail.

if you set away the only reflection of yourself that you ever thought could be loved, and he was still there holding you,

your heart, full of poison and doubt, echoed like the drums announcing a procession against your ribcage as if you were facing down a monster.

if you fell apart outside the shielding cloak of blankets and midnight, yet the morning sun followed regardless,

watery, bleary and broken eyes met chan’s, tears stinging like venom searing down your face, heat prickling underneath your skin and brain pounding with a hurricane of nightmares and desperate dreams.

then it meant that all this time you could have been loved, no matter what seemingly universal truth was conditioned into you. every prism of you could have been loved,

“i don’t know what’s wrong with me,” you hiccuped through muted cries, rubbing your eyes in a half-hearted attempt to force the tears back in.

and all this pain and heartache of shattering the ‘unloveable’ prisms of you was never something ordained.

“nothing is wrong with you,” chan murmured, arm wrapped around your shoulder and squeezing you tightly. “trust me.”

your airways felt far too constricted as you curled up with your knees hugging your chest. “you can’t be saying that. you don’t know- you don’t know what- how can you say that?”

“then tell me,” chan said, staring far too deep into your gaze and seeing far too much of the you that you hated. “why do you think something is wrong?”

heaves for air seemed to lodge in your throat as your gaze slid to the floor beside the bed, searching for the words within an endless internal storm. “i try so hard to only act the right way, but it’s so draining, but i don’t know how to stop.”

you took a deep breath, trying to quell the emotions fraying the splintered string holding your last defenses.

“i get overly emotional and involved. i hate having to talk to strangers for too long, even when they’ve done nothing wrong. i wake up, and i’m already tired at everything i have to do when i haven’t done anything yet. i want to take a break, but resting makes me feel anxious and guilty. it’s so… messed up.”

chan pressed his lips to the top of your head gently as your body wracked with the first escaped sob. “i wish you could see yourself the way i did, then,” chan said quietly.

“you always give your heart to the world, usually too much than others need or deserve. you always make sure everyone is seen and heard, and i love that about you, though sometimes i’m worried you forget to take it easy. you’re brave and trusting and understanding, but none of that means you’re not allowed to take care of yourself.”

it felt as if chan had removed the keystone of a dam, every silent whisper you had torn yourself apart with spilling out like crashing riptides.

“it’s not selfish to be tired,” chan reminded gently, letting you collapse in his arms without an ounce of judgement. “it’s not selfish to want to be loved, either. i can’t speak for what you may have gone through before we met, but i promise you are so, so loved now, and you have every reason to love yourself back in turn.”

one more particularly painful sob tore through you, and chan felt a knife twist in his heart at the sound.

i’m sorry i couldn’t be there for you, when you were silently dying behind closed doors.

i want to be there for you now. i promise every time you begin to curse your reflection once more, i will be there to remind you how safe and adored you are.

the clock ticked by like it always did, and your cries died down in the quiet of the dimly lit bedroom, in the warmth of chan’s arms and his heartbeat drumming against your head.

for once, for a moment, the snakes in your mind were quiet, with nothing to say.

“i love you,” you whispered, barely loud enough for chan to hear, voice weak and raw but more honest than it had ever been.

chan stilled for a second, feeling his own tears threatening to spill over.

“i love you too,” chan murmured, and this time, in the muted evening, you could feel some part of your heart begin to accept it.

in the middle of the night, when you are tossing and turning, mind churning with doubts and disbeliefs, someone will be there to wrap an arm around you and sleepily mutter comfort.

in the middle of the night, someone will be there to protect you from yourself as you slowly but surely stitch together the wounds left open for too long.

in the middle of the night, you can begin to heal from what all those previous midnights wrought.

┄ ┄ @loonarixsxx ©️

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✎ taglist .1 - @mxnniemouse | @sweetheartforus | @dejaphobick | @ghostkestis | @anni3lop101 | @lizal1cious | @non3ofyourbusiness | @strawberristhings ….. [8/45] 彡

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kaleidoscope in my heart ~ hwang hyunjin

pairing ⊹ ⌁ ⃕˖ hyunjin x fem!reader

includes ⊹ ⌁ ⃕˖ implied idol!reader, whipped hyunjin, oblivious hyunjin, friends to lovers, fluff and romance, a lil bit of denial, a sprinkle of angst but it’s very brief, wholesomeness

notes ⊹ ⌁ ⃕˖ guess who finally remembered to update this series!

req&guidelines here ⊹ ⌁ ⃕˖ m.list here

series name : ❝ what is love? ❞ ⊹ ⌁ ⃕˖ bang chan | lee know | changbin | hyunjin | jisung | felix | seungmin | jeongin

synopsis ⊹ ⌁ ⃕˖ ever the romantic, hyunjin believes in love like a fairytale dream. it would be crazy to fall in love with his best friend, of all people, who is all too real and the one he can’t picture himself without.