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Our home that was once a show of our love and unity, was now a home of glass and holes. A home that was yesterday filled with love, is now filled with yelling, glass shattering, doors slamming and walls breaking. It had been hours and my gut tells me it will be for hours more. I heard foot steps coming up the stairs as I sat on our bed, the one place that had been left untouched of his rage. A feeling of uncertainty and fear washing over me with ever step coming closer. He slammed the door open, making it fall off it’s frame, as he glared into my soul, a look full of hatred. My chest constricts in the worst way possible. I try to blink the blinding tears away from my eyes but eventually, they become to heavy to blink away. I glare up at him and his face softens as he looks upon my tear stained face. “I am here, The one person who’s been here for you no matter what, I am standing right in front of you, caring for you and for what you feel,” I kept my voice strong as I could although I could feel my heart breaking “I have done so much, but here you are, taking your angry out on our home, on our memories and worst of all, you take it out on me.” With that my heart crumbled into my hands, as his fist collided with the wall yet again. he stormed out of the house and I was left, more broken than before.

“He tells me I’m everything he could ever want

“In what world can lovers be friends Could you handle the gossip of who I went home with last night Would you want to discuss details of how I am falling for another How he is Prince Charming and doesn’t toy with my trust What if I told you, over coffee and chai lattes that I am meeting his parents and I need you to help with my nerves Could you handle how he loves taking photos of me and blasts it all over social media Wouldn’t it hurt you and fill you with regret that he does all that you once didn’t and he is the reason behind the smile you always loved Wouldn’t it be like salt to the wound that I’ve achieved happiness Happiness that I searched for from you but could not find?”

“He will tell everyone you were crazy That you would call 100 times And text him 200 times more That you were over emotional And you were the toxic one But he won’t tell them about how He would emotionally abuse you Treat you the opposite way he treated his friends How he bailed on every plan he made How he deliberately said things to hurt you Would go silent for days for no reason Would ignore you for something you didn’t do Would push you away without reasoning No, he won’t tell people how he pushed every button And hurt you in ways no one should He will act the hero And you will look the fool But know he falls asleep at night, Knowing he messed up whilst you sleep soundly.”

“The difference between him and I is that I changed my behaviour he stayed the same throughout the entire relationship if not, he became worse always giving me silent treatment pushing me away for things I didn’t do hurting me intentionally, by choice all it takes is remembering how the torture he put me through outweighs the times he was sometimes nice and I realise I haven’t lost anything at all because even in our last words I was telling him how he was my priority, that I loved him, that I care to not push me away and think about what he was saying and his last words were that that he hates me wants nothing to do with me spitting words about bailing on me, that he knew would hurt and more, but I blocked his number before it came through and that sums up our relationship - me always trying, him always hurting me and as much as I may cry myself to sleep, I’m relieved”

“Some men can be so toxic to your health. They don’t want to love you properly, but they don’t want to let you go either. The more you give the less they appreciate, and the minute you’ve had enough and decide to walk away is when they are ready to love you and treat you right. So you give them a chance in the hopes they’ve changed only to realise it was all fake. You find the strength to walk away once more and here he comes again proclaiming his love for you and you give in, AGAIN. A man showing anger and persistence to get you back once you try to break it of isn’t proof of love; its a knee jerk reaction. A man kissing your ass or making flaccid attempts to be nicer for two weeks isn’t proof that he’s trying, its proof that he knows you well enough to know how to defuse you long enough to hook you once again. Take away a toy, a little boy cries. Take away a relationship of convenience, a man cries. Just because he cries doesn’t mean you give him what he wants. Stop listening to what your man keeps promising and start watching what his actions actually keep telling you. A lot of you women don’t know what its like to be loved by a real man. You know lust, you know joy, you know passion and you know the fear of abandonment. Stop chasing your idea of what love should be and recognise what love IS. Love isn’t promising to act right after he gets caught fucking up time and time again. Love is him acting right from the start because he doesn’t want to fuck up. Love isn’t telling your grown man he needs to change so he can keep you; love is a grown man changing on his own because he cant imagine life without you.”

“It’s always going to hurt, whether you saw it coming or not. Whether you wanted it to end or not. Whether you broke up with them or they broke up with you. Whether you you had left the relationship a long time ago mentally or not. But damn, beyond the tears, I am so grateful to be free. I am so grateful the universe was watching over me when I applied for houses with him. I’m so grateful he played the games he did. I’m so grateful he treated me badly. It’s sound twisted, but I am so damn grateful that he showed his true colours and he sabotaged us. I’m so grateful that I am now at peace and free of the torture he’d put me through. I’m so grateful that I can have friends again, and see who I want, be who I want, do what I want instead of him controlling my every move. I may cry every morning, I may cry when my head hits the pillow at night, but I’m just mourning a loss of what could have been if he wasn’t so troubled and narcissistic. I’m mourning something I tried really hard for and got nothing out of. He didn’t try and that’s on him. I need to realise I did get something out of it. I have come out a better person, I’ve grown, I’ve realised what I do and don’t want from a relationship & I’ve realised how I deserve to be treated, which I definitely didn’t get from him. But I am grateful that from today, he won’t be able to lay his issues on my shoulders any more. He won’t be able to hurt me anymore. He won’t have any control over me. There will be no more games. He won’t be able to make me cry anymore. He won’t be able to emotionally abuse me anymore. I am free.”

All we seem to do is fall apart

what is a home?

I have never been patient.

I still like this boy who just doesn’t care about me anymore. He won’t talk to me, won’t respond to my messages, and won’t reach out. I thought he really liked me because he told me so. And so I just keep hoping we’ll cross paths again, that it’s a “right person wrong time” type of situation, and that someday, one day, he’ll realize we were meant to be together all along. I keep hoping that one day he’ll mature and start caring and that he’ll go out of his way to get me back into his life. I keep hoping that someday he’ll reach out to me and keep reaching out, whatever it takes to get me. I keep hoping he’ll realize what he’s lost when he lost me and he’ll regret it. I keep hoping all the dreams I have about him will come true. I hope so much that it’s the only thing that keeps me holding on. I don’t know if I really have feelings left for him or if it’s just infatuation. I don’t know if I’m in love with a different, made-up version of him or the real him. I don’t even know why I started liking him in the first place. I saw him one day, and then I just did. I didn’t know anything about him. I only knew what I observed from the way he spoke, how he walked, and how he looked. So how could I like someone I had never even met before? But then I met him and I found I was right about a lot of things. He was kind, sweet, funny, smart, and he was a lot more. Learning more and more about him only increased my feelings for him. He was good at making me feel special, but also the most unimportant person in the world. He would give me his time, and then take it away just as fast. He would make the possibility of hanging out seem like trying to fly when you know you’re falling off a cliff. I didn’t believe in him anymore, because I couldn’t believe his words. His actions spoke louder. And I resented him for feeding my hope and giving me nothing in return. And so I left. I decided to stop reaching out, and I guess he decided to do the same. There was just no way we could be together when he made it so difficult. He created so many obstacles that grew into brick walls that I could no longer cross. I felt blocked from his life, with no direction to turn except away from him. I only wanted to be close to him. He pushed me away. And only when I pushed him away back would he let me in. So we kept pushing each other away until I realized no matter how strong the feelings, it wasn’t worth feeling so unwanted all the time. It wasn’t worth the countless moments of disappointment and tears and the pain of never being good enough. I knew I deserved better, but I still wanted him. I made excuses for him, and blamed myself. I told myself he was just shy and didn’t have experience so that’s why he didn’t know what to do or say sometimes. But that’s not enough to justify his actions, because his intentions are so much clearer. He never intended to be with me. He never intended to keep me in his life. He never even intended to say goodbye, he just left his absence for me, and that’s all I have left of him. I may never get another one of his words or smiles and he may never look me in the eyes anymore. And that’s something I’m still processing. No matter what’s happened, I don’t want to believe that this is the end. I don’t want to believe that choosing to walk away has caused me to lose him forever.

"After you died I am stuck between two vertices. I have known over the years that suicide can be familial in combination with an environment that didn't allow or help you to flourish. I now wonder if that's how I'll die. If genetics and environment cause one a penchant to die they will. The other vertices that I am caught in and sometimes linger there a bit longer than the other is maybe you wouldn't have died if you didn't have a gun. The percentage of someone surviving a gunshot wound to the head is only 5."

Straps

"War Games"

"Alone With You"

"Tides"