inner machinations of my mind

Yesterday, I was at dinner with some friends and briefly forgot Harrison Ford’s name, but I was like, “His name is a president and a car,” which is how we got such acceptable alternatives as McKinley Camry, Van Buren Gremlin, Clinton Infinity, and Range Rover Cleveland.

Lincoln Lincoln

Please watch the Gamers Nexus video on LG Smart TV's and monitors! It's basically malware at this point.

I think it's so funny how we bred JOBS into dogs. I have two shih tzus and they were bred to be lap dogs. All they care about is looking cute and cuddling with people. Meanwhile my grandma has a border collie and that dog needs to feel so useful all the time, he acts like he will pass away if he doesn't have a job to do constantly

#people will overlook the perfect breeds to suit their needs based on just their looks#and get a work dog because it looks cool

@gallusrostromegalus

Any time someone sees Herschel and says "AWWW I want a Corgi <3" (because he is Very Cute (TM)), I immediately reply: "Do not get a Corgi unless you have a job for it to do. They were bred to bully livestock across the hills of Wales. This is basically a Border Collie that knows he is cute enough to get away with murder. If you get one and it doesn't have a job, it will apply its livestock-bullying instincts to YOU. Herschel's job specifically is to help manage my crippling ADHD, because I don't have a bull for him to micromanage." This gets me odd looks at the home depot but it does get the point across.

say what u want about the manscaped ads I know they are shit, all of them but the “evil, sinister, malcontent, balls” one puts me into fucking hysterics actually

you fucking idiot. you misread a social encounter. we're gonna fucking kill you

They were opened in AUGUST 2001. Oh my god. That's both hilarious and tragic.

this is a fucking futurama bit

probably speaks to something unwell in the collective tumblr psyche that those absurdly bleak bad luck brian memes are the only survivors of, like, an entire genre of different advice animal image macros.