forgotten

i had waited for the longest time to see you and be able to talk with you again face to face. It’s not that i don’t want to reach out because trust me, i always do, it’s just that i don’t know what to say, where to start, or if i’m gonna be able to let it all out. I used to say that i would write everything down, from where it started to end until the fallout of everything. I wanted to tell you everything, i had fantasies of that night and how i was able to say everything without crying but in the end, what happened was the exact opposite.

You haven’t change. You still look like the one in my dreams and i all i could think is how i still adore you. i wanted to hug you right away but i know that’s not right and i just wanted to make everything right just this one last time.

Sa totoo lang, ang dami ko pang gusto sabihin sayo that night. Instead, i just ended up crying while saying a bunch of words that i know won’t mean anything to you. The last time i was given a chance to pick you, i’m sorry if I didn’t just because i was afraid, too afraid since i have waited for you to like me back but you also liked my friend too which is why i was skeptical that time if what we had was real or i was just imagining it. Then i saw your message to my best friend six yrs later and all i can do was regret for not giving it a chance just because i was scared.

M, i have loved you and adored you for the longest time now. Sobrang takot akong aminin sa sarili ko yan before sa tuwing nakikita kita pero that is what i feel. But, i am also truly happy that you have found the one for you after all these years. I wish you happiness and peace. I will always treasure what i had with you and remember the chance that i wasted. I’m sorry if i still keep your pictures with me.

My dream felt so real.

The pain and love i felt in that dream is real. Sobrang linaw ng face mo sa panaginip ko and yet pag gising ko i cant even recall your face. I just cried last night before sleeping, pero nawala yung pain nung nakasama kita sa panaginip. ang sobrang familiar ng feeling, yung serenity, yung happiness, yung love… parang ayokong matapos yung dream at mawala ka uli. Kahit sa panaginip i am well aware that you are not mine pero i felt peace. We said our goodbyes and i know that was it, i felt like didn’t want to wake up and lose you again. I wish i didn’t lose you but my heart and mind knows that you were never mine in the first place….

Utak ko na nagsasabi sa panaginip ko yung bagay na tinatanggi ko sa sarili ko na need ko na mag let go sa nakaraan kasi wala naman talagang kahit ano, i was just delusional and a coward.

Here we go again.

I will always try my best lalo na ngayon makaalis lang ako. I’m really tired, tho i’m not sure kung yung pag alis ba magbibigay sakin ng peace na hinahanap ko. Wala namang masama sumubot paulit ulit para sa pangarap. Pag natupad to, buo uli ng panibagong pangarap, pakonti-konti, basta paabante lang.

So ayun, na trigger na naman ng very very tonight. Kusa na nga skip yung mata ko sa forwarded chat noong una kasi may trauma ko sa ganon tapos pinabasa pa rin sakin, only to find out na apaw na regrets mararamdaman ko.