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woke up at 3am, spent half of my flight having an anxiety attack, pulled out my secret stash jellycat fox and immediately get pulled into the weirdest convo with a blonde bi autistic pagan guy who works for the army and used to do drugs but is unfortunately endearing bc he told me he had a stuffed possum in his bag, i land and my connecting flight is delayed so now i have four hours in airport limbo, anxiety calms down only for me to have a near meltdown bc airport food sucks, and then a group of like 30 little boys and girls on sports teams are at my gate probably on my plane. and when i land at 3:30 we have a three hour drive to [redacted]. okay.

i have GOT to stop engaging with fucked up content bc i watched like five true crime docs and each of them was disturbing (THIS JUST IN: PEOPLE ARE EVIL????) (maternal instinct was crazy but the chesire murders was…….haunting) but anyway that led me to the marbled swarm book which is, and i cannot stress this enough, so fucked up. and yet the whole time reading it i was like ijbol what do you mean this guy saw his actor dad whom he looks almost identical to in a movie acting as a cannibal and that turned the mc on to both cannibalism and incest like that’s hilarious! (it is not) (and also the mc is so weird bc he’s somehow a sexual pervert and yet i do think he’s some level of fucked up aspec???? compelling. but why do all the perverts and trauma victims end up being aspec i wanna know.) and the worst part is that i can’t even like DISCUSS with anybody bc i cannot recommend my friends read the book about *checks notes* a guy who wants to be a 2D flat stanley who gets raped to death and then has his corpse SMASHED like a potato so as to actually be at flatso . not to mention the book is written in the weirdest most pretentious voice of all time like if holden caufield was a real pervert and also he was lemony snicket??? and yet!!!! deeply compelling bc like this guy and his “friends” are so insane!!? what are they gonna do next!!!!!! and also the mc might be lying!!!!! who knows!!!!!! like i genuinely think i should reread it on paperback so i can dissect the language but if i owned this book i feel like the government would one day find it in my house and kill me for it like….what the fuck guys