So the universe must be speaking because the concept of consideration has popped up in several discussions over the last 72 hours and it really has me thinking.
We have always talked of how consideration is important to us, that it makes us feel included and important. It was also stated that consideration was an actual expectation of our partners.
But I have to admit that my views of “consideration” have been pretty radically altered over the last 6-7 months.
Should consideration be an expectation?
When I started polyamory, I had an expectation of my partners would show me consideration in regards to other partners. For example, I expected they would inform me when the start seeing new people, that they would inform me if they started having sex with other people, that they would inform me is the status of a relationship changes.
That was my definition of consideration, and I wanted this because it helped me to feel included in their lives and that I’m important to them.
However, I now find myself in nearly a complete 180° shift. By definition, consideration isn’t an expectation.
CONSIDERATION :: thoughtful and sympathetic regard (e.g. his consideration of the needs of others)
To me, being considerate is an internal choice for our own lives. It is the practice and belief that we do as individuals in giving thought towards, and being sympathetic to other people in our lives and world. It is giving thought to how our own action might impact other people. It’s about being aware of and giving thought to the emotions of others around us.
Yes, I want the people in my life to be considerate of me and others (that’s just kind of wanting them to be a good person). I really don’t want to associate with shitty people or narcissists who don’t care about other.
But can I actually expect them to show or have consideration for me or for others? Can I define what consideration is for them? Can I define how they show consideration to me or others?
Which leads into my next question.
Is the concept of “expected consideration” just another veil that we really hide behind to attempt to mask our own insecurities and fears?
For me, I have found that I was using the concept of “consideration” to hide my own insecurities and fears. In fact, when you read how I had defined consideration, I wanted it so that I felt important and included.
But the fact is, I am polyamorous. My partners are polyamorous. We have relationships with other people, and have sex with other people. This isn’t a question. This is just fact.
If I want to live happily and comfortably in my poly life, I need to accept this is my reality.
I found that using “expected consideration” was simply trying to force my partners to behave and act how I thought they should.
That is not consideration, that is an attempt control. That is a violation of their autonomy to live their lives and pursue relationships however they see fit. That is my own fear based living.
That is not who I am, or who I want to be.
Rather than trying to force my partners to act a way that I think they should, I have instead focused on the following:
Trusting and believing that I am important to my partners. That they choose to be with me, and value me and their relationship with me. In being polyamorous, they don’t have to be with me. They choose to be with me.
Working to seek healthy and positive forms of reassurance from my partners through communication.
Stop focusing on the “what if’s” of my partner’s other relationships and focusing on building and strengthening what we have together. Focus on being grateful for the time that we have together. They can choose other partners, they can choose to spend time without me. They are choosing me.
Give my partners their full autonomy, just as I expect they will give me. This means focusing on what I control — which is me — not on what I can’t — which is them or their other relationships.
I own my emotions. I own my self-worth and self-esteem. And I am responsible for doing the work to be a healthy, happy individual.
“Forced consideration” is really about control. All attempting to control my partners, and to control their other relationships does is create an unsafe space where they are not comfortable in sharing with me. Which is a prohibitive to even the true concept of consideration.
Rules, expectations, consideration cannot protect me from my fears or insecurities. They cannot keep a relationship safe.
Should consideration actually define whether I feel important or included?
I’ve already touched on this, but my partners cannot make me feel important. My value and self-worth comes from me.
Yes, having them share about their lives makes me feel included, and gives me the feeling of being important to them.
But when I stop and look, it does not define the importance of me, or our relationship. It is most certainly not something that should create an issue in our relationship.
Be considerate because that is the type of person I want to be. Because I am a person who values doing such and wants my partners to feel safe in doing such as well.
