Little Walken's Mind Dump

The first amendment protects you against the government, not the Little Walken.

My blog, my bean soup recipe within the TOS.

Don't be the reason we can't have nice things.

Advisor for snoot guardianship.

Going to do the boy band story again but printing instead of cursive. Taking photos of the pages aside, I really should hook up the scanner for my writing notes, it's at the stage where I need to work on getting things across like what the characters and locations look like. I have to remember I have the sin of knowledge having spent all these years with my stories where strangers haven't.

Altho I type daily on my blog and some posts can run long the typing of the stories, unless the draft is to be copied word for word, is one of those tasks where I have to make sure I don't go all hyper fixated on and stress out my back and the neck fuckwaffle I injured during my TBI. Most of the time when I consider a story ready to be typed that still means I have editing to do, adding things, and formatting.

Not too long ago I remembered that I have a pocket computer, I did not grow up with a phone and have literally only had one for six years altho I've had a tablet for many more, so instead of carrying all my writing notes around incase I no clipped in to the backrooms I took photos of my writing notes. Now I can just carry what ever particular story I'm working on at the time.

And while printing by hand also has its physical discomforts as I just wrote on the few pages I've already done where I need to describe more or rearrange a few situations it also makes me have to spend more time with the story.

A lot of y'all with your writing apps and just let AI do it have never sat with a pen(cil) and paper and physically written something for pleasure and it shows. The picture might be for Grease 2 fan fiction but it still counts.

I'm going to let some original stuff out eventually, I'm just trying to figure out where exactly I want to host the pdfs, I don't Google because they scrape, and dealing with the feelings that no one ever wanted to read anything I wrote anyway. So guess why I encourage other people with more self worth about their stuff to put it out there.

And the last time I shared something with someone who never ever got to see anything I ever wrote, drew or created again was out of 300,000 words they only said something about cemetery which was used twice to denote where the main characters turned on a street. So yeah, it's hard to make myself believe anyone would ever want to read my fiction so why the hell would I want it to happen to someone else?

Or there's the situation where my longest story, of which a previous draft would like a beta reader for, has a lesbian as the protagonist. After one draft about 10 years ago that did fix some signs of the times it was initially written in I've gone on to make further revisions trying to keep the mild LGB without the rest of the alphabet because I don't want what is essentially a tom boy character misread as a trans man because she's not. It's kind of a situation like in Tootsie and that's the best I can put it.

Sometimes you don't even know if it's a week day or the weekend. That's I only had three naps yesterday roulette for ya. But it looks like my schedule is at least once a week I'll have a hibernation day of protein binges and sleeping.

I'm going to look over my writing files and print out some hard copies of a few things I don't think I have a copy of and try to get myself to type up some other things. I want to get back in to the boy band story and that needs to be typed.

The last couple of days have been fun as I try to figure out which muscle(s) in my neck are affecting my balance. It's the kind where even if I lay down it feels like my head is spinning. Not that i'm not used to being off balance but this is like the fluid in my noggin is spinning or something. It's keeping me from doing several things I would like to do.

~confession~

The nice thing that no one in my family knows this is my blog, like they'd care in the first place unless they were nosing for dirt which wouldn't be beyond any of them, is I can confess and express stuff. Like it wasn't my responsibility to keep track of a bunch of digital photos in the first place and now it looks like they might be lost. I have no fucking idea where the CDs went when we moved in here, the files are nowhere on my hard drives, and if they aren't on the other computer they are gone. Maybe the CDs will turn up but if they don't then the shit's gone.

Has nothing to with the stuff I'm purposefully deleting of the abusive cunt. That's totally different.

I think I should probably take my own advice and read the summaries of a few more of the shows I've put aside to possibly watch later. As I might have said before I tried to watch BBC Ghosts. I made it thru 3 1/2 episodes, a fair shot I should say, and I finally said fuck it and looked up how it ends. I'm glad I did because I don't care that much about any of the characters and I would have wanted the time spent watching that back so I could watch something else meh from the BBC but with Robert Sheehan or Nicholas Rowe or even David Tennant in it.

Tell David Tennant "No" in a firm voice and tell him to go play on his trampoline. He's well meaning but in the end mostly harmless and just needs a bit of direction.

I'm going to keep the Ghosts stuff around because I might change my mind but now I'm not going to go out of my way to watch it. I go on a case by case basis, if it's got a blorbo in it I'll tend more to keep it, but if it's episodic then I might only keep blorbo's episode, or if blorbo only has a scene that doesn't need extra context I might edit it down. Three hours of movie I'm never going to watch down to Sid's five seconds as the angel of the nativity works for me. Or some movie that was plotless boobs and baby Doug Jones getting his equity card in the only scene without boobs.

If I'm not entirely sure I'm going to watch something I have the storage space to keep it for awhile, it never hurts to occasionally tidy up the treasure chests, but if it falls under the category of I ain't gonna watch that it's probably gone.

So another incentive of being a real life friend or at least acquaintance is getting to see what I dredged up from sailing the seven seas.

11 hours in bed and I'm still tired. Had a dream and got to be aware for a decent part of it. I think my brain sorted out quite a bit of stuff during that.

In major personal room that I can control knowing no one else will be in that space unless I invite them, so definitely no psi vampires, news the clothing rack and I will be spending time apart. Before the second Ikea there was space, but now it's the thing I can't find a place for in here.

And shortest answer so I can be done with it is I'd get rid of it if I knew we didn't need it in the next place. I barely paid $$, it's in good shape, and they're at least $$$ to replace. On one hand I have to not care what happens to it and on the other it can't go outside to on the porch to get weathered like the much cheaper other one out there.

Now that the files are slightly more organized and all that mess is done and mom's operation is behind me I'm feeling the urge to get more shit in a row. I don't think I have ducks but I haven't seen about half my stuff since it was packed up five years ago.

The back and fuckwaffle are going to hurt anyway. Someone remind me to look for the Ouchies Begone and Pain Away combo while we're out getting a new gas cap for the car. And I want to get some decent mesh laundry bags for the seasonal pajamas to go under my bed. It's a wee bit early to switch to the Halloween ones but the pajamas had to come out of the dresser if the t shirts that were on the clothing rack are going in.

Not sure if I'm going out today, will depend on how I feel after getting the clothing rack apart to get it out of here, there's a 90degree turn at the door to my room that might not even be ADA compliant but this place was built in 1990 so...

~rant~

Now it's getting to be can we stay home and not have an appointment or prescription or anything else we have to go out of the house and get today? Because I could totally finish a task I'm doing today and set myself up to start this weekend with tasks anew but I have to be home to finish.

At least we're ending our all meat has to be boneless so we don't have to cook it in the oven thing. Now it just has to be cooked by a certain time in the morning so the cooler can do its job before shut off time in the afternoon. We're on one of those power bill things where if we don't use our major appliances between certain hours it's cheaper.

I have no idea how the hell some of y'all are out there paying $$$ electric bills for apartments and reasonable sized homes. The only time we came close to that was when the Life Ruiner was around full stop.

Out here it's the water bill that gets us but we are also seeing the construction crews and their water pipes on the street jacking shit up. I will pay extra taxes to fix the roads if I actually see road crews out there fixing them. At least in our area shit is finally getting done.

Starting to get some random creative ideas for stories, or at least parts of stories that need to be written out. I think the next story I put in the spiral notebook, I wanted the wire for the plastic reusable paper, will be the mask story. It might not be a proper draft but it'll expand on the notes I have for it so the next draft will go easier.

Got to remember all things must fart.

It's about the time in the task that seems to be taking forever that future me will be thanking present me for where I feel rather unaccomplished and yet I have done so much and if I wasn't doing other things could finish with it today.

But I am doing other things and taking the opportunity to get out and walk around and do IRL shit. In the past I wouldn't have been so eager to go out in the heat but this car has a working air conditioner. Yes, it's that simple. And tell grandma with modern cars it's more aerodynamic and uses less gas to use the cooler, especially when going fast.

something something Hello loneliness my old friend something something You'd think I'd eventually get over that something something Some day it has to change something something

I want to go out and have gentle but steady exposure therapy outside of my "comfort zone". Now I don't mean working up to hiking and camping and being outside and hot and dirty or around loud things but I'd like to try some stuff.

I also need to plan what I'm going to do with the meat suit when I get the next round of energy. I'm proud I turned the last bit in to housekeeping but I wish it didn't come with the emotional energy too because I feel double wiped out now.

Had a spell yesterday, don't know if it was manic because never in my life have I ever felt like I've had the energy for one of those, but I turned the energy to vacuuming because when I feel like that I don't want to do anything I can't undo. Still feeling a bit off this morning.

It's a combination of angry and depressed and feeling worthless I'd like to have an explanation that doesn't involve my uterus.

I am also proud of myself for not shopping my way out of it.

My mind feels tapped.

There are plans to go out and do something away from the nest so that should help.

Still not finished with the file transferring. Aside form taking my time to make sure it's done well there's just a lot, somewhere between a shitload and a fuckton, and while it's very likely there will be things that will leave, and possibly without even seeing them because the more I learn about some stuff the less I want to see it, and half of it is just making myself sit down and deal with them.

I have a save first, decide later mentality with the shiny things I pick up in my travels. It's served me well these last five years. I know I've been doing it longer than that but definitely the last five years.

Tells imaginary therapist that there's a difference between growing up poor in a family/culture where everyone generally is and the struggle feels somewhat equal* and growing up poor, not being the golden child, and watching money be ill spent on them. Thus buying miniature things for the dollhouse I haven't set up in years will continue to happen.

*Absolutely nothing to do with communism or group projects. I am the person who will, especially upon finding out I'm the only one doing it, will stop carrying the load of the rest of the team while going to the teacher/boss telling them I am doing a solo project which I expect a solo grade for and if you don't give me a proper grade for it I will bring the wraith of the disabled students union upon you. I will not fail the last class I need for my degree because of someone else.

Meanwhile I found out I have a double surprise food ball and instead of having a melt down my first thought was how blessed am I to be able to afford even one in the first place.

Last night as I was falling asleep something clicked as the fifth anniversary of putting the summer of 2021 finally behind me approaches- Since then there haven't been any new major your brain would love for you to think about this daily and you'll be spending years breaking out of it traumas.

Yes, there were things htat happened at shit street like my immune system finding new things on me to attack, all histamine in my body had to come out thru my skin, and the whole constant gas leak, and the fucked up last of the Buicks in this bloodline, but something else must have happened that broke the trauma cycle in my brain.

Since then I've had to deal with several things that could have tried to join the trauma club, only the thing with mom's surgery could have even thought to apply, but I've got to accept that the feeling something is wrong that there isn't something wrong can be my new normal. Perhaps never completely as what's going to happen next seems to be wired in to me but there are quite a few things going on where every part of me has to get used to the idea that certain things can never happen again.

So tired of transferring files but I did learn a way around a formatting issue I have.

Remember that time in late 2024 when the archive was like down down? And I keep hearing about other places being taken away. It makes me tired of saying save (copy) what you can.

Derp, remind me to get the images of the latest chapter of the Swan manga off my phone. I bought every CMX issue, I was going to finish the series, I deserve to know how it ends. You didn't know you could just right click and save photos you see on the internet? Or if that doesn't work did you ever try screen shots? I learned that last century. Never said my digital library was printable, I said it was readable. A Discoverie of VVitches is 500 years old, there's no copyright on that fucker.

Just got to remember that present Little Walken is doing this for Future Little Walken. We had to do it when the big external drive had to be shucked because the USB connector stopped working. Got to figure out what to do with that as it had to be plugged in to a power source to work. The pocket drives might be smaller in space but I had one with me at the Mystery Flesh Pit because their WiFi sucks.

But that is all five years behind me. Soon enough there won't be a cell in my body that has been further east than... I think we went a bit up in to the mountains behind the one junk store. But it will definitely be well within my time zone and watershed.

Anyone want to do a road trip between Barstow and Cline's Corner on Highway 40 so Tamzyn Rex can eat the tourist traps and I can heal a bit let me know. I'd like to take at least one overnight trip in my life where I can just relax, know time isn't money, trust the vehicle I'm riding in, and not be trapped with mentally ill relatives. I don't drive but I can read a map, be quiet, and/or do my best to have a pleasant conversation. I also took physical geography in college so a bit of next to the road rock hounding is okay but I'm not able to hike.

6 terabytes is a lot of pet videos but you tell these sweet little faces that we don't need hours upon hours of them growling in their sleep.

I have no idea what she thinks she was growling at but now that I know that's what the noise was she was practically born growling.

Five years ago we were finally starting the process of putting that absolute hell of a summer behind us. Altho we'd be moving in to the place on shit street with its problems it was still out of a hotel and back in to a home of our own.

If anyone needs a Reddit story LMK, the only two times in my life I ever traveled out of my time zone was for the birth of the Life Ruiner and 40 years later which ended with leaving her #$@! ass out there. Also includes not being the Golden Child stuff.

Meanwhile the file transferring something something not the first time I've swapped hard subs with shitty sound something something smaller file size but you can hear it and see it without the overlays something something don't look free downloads in the resolution something something

Having a slightly incomplete list of what we have in the library aside, like there's a folder that's just labeled "puptatoes" with hundreds of files, I really need to do a summary of why I have some, Jeffrey Combs is in it will suffice, and how many seasons and episodes.

Unless I had a friend who wanted to come over and help with the task and could take home with them all the terabytes of cat videos they could fit in their pockets.

As much as I'd like to seed or whatever the hell that is, I have a vague understanding of fluid dynamics and what constitutes a torrent, it's just not going to happen any time soon as I live in drought state, El Nino this winter or not.

I thought y'all made a point out of listening to "marginalized voices" because if you did then you might have paid attention when the pansexual space lizard said the point of The Boy Who Cried Wolf wasn't if you keep lying over and over no one will believe you when you're telling the truth but that it was 'never tell the same lie twice'. But he was played by a white man so of course you don't care.

I might be spending the rest of the month sorting and copying files so I have a lot of time to watch yew chube videos and the members of Monty Python who graduated from Cambridge couldn't have written a better sketch than watching the professor of identity politics run away like a chicken shit when confronted with lies of his own making.

But not holding him up to the same standards that anyone else would be held up to is racist while we make sure he was given his position over other people with better qualifications because of his race.

No one ever looked at any of his claims and said "really?" Oh, wait, some people tried, but they were called something that ends with -ist that has lost all meaning.

I don't expect most of the kids on my internet lawn to get it. They're too busy making up reasons to feel special because society is telling them that to get anywhere you have to be the most special and marginalized person in the room.

Yes, at a time in my past when I really could have used a sponsorship to help me advance in my pursuit of something I could have made at least part of my living from I was passed over for not getting any squares on the bingo card outside of being female.

I was also "fat" at the time but being fat wasn't seen as a sign of being diverse at the time.