maybe if you didn't want to fall through my trapdoor into the rat infested dungeons below you shouldn't have walked onto the rug i carefully placed over it to hide it. rookie mistake.

joke’s on you. i meant to do that. i fucking love rats

guards! take him to the dungeon cell without any rats in it

why were you microwaving a lemon???

I read boiling lemons helps cover up bad smells (I wanted to cover up the scent of burnt oranges) but I didn’t own any pots

Did you burn an orange too? How???

Microwave for 40 minutes 😔

bonding with your houseplants by watering them from a water bottle you’ve already drank from

indirect kiss

all cyberpunk stories are like “If you wanna crack open a cybercroissant this nasty, you’re gonna need a real top notch e-driller. i know a guy- Toledo Killswitch- he’s got the frag ordinance you need to grizzle this bocce ball.”

my family fucked up my life by using spoonerisms interchangeably with their true phrase counterparts since before i was born and now i can’t escape from instinctively saying shit like “im gonna shake a tower”

american leftists seem extremely focused on anti imperialism (good) but rarely- if at all- discuss decolonization in their own fucking country, despite acknowledging that it is a settler colonial state.

My sister and I were watching Lost but not paying a ton of attention and then suddenly the TV is like "Okay so we're going to have to remove two inches from the width of the island" and we both like snap our heads up like woah we were literally just dealing with a time travel problem why do we need to make the island a little smaller now? But it turns out the dog had laid down on the remote and turned it to Property Brothers so like bad news for whoever's kitchen they're designing but good news i guess for the Lost people for not having to shrink the island

Hot dog water is the exact opposite of holy water in that you can add a single drop of it to any amount of pure water and it will make the entire thing unpure

now THIS is the kind of philosophical liturgy i come to tumblr for. FINALLY i can defeat the pope

had a dream last night that my alarm was connected to twitter and everytime i hit snooze it publicly tweeted it with a disparaging little message along the lines of “filthy horrible boy has slapped the screen again, and slumbers on” so that your followers could shame you and i was deeply, DEEPLY humiliated but that did not stop me from hitting snooze upwards of 14 times

OH MY GOD?????????

california is the france of america from what I understand

Me when im in an area

But what would have happened if Grantaire asked “Permets-tu?” and Enjolras said no? Like, “Find your own firing squad, wine-cask.” What would happen? Would Grantaire just awkwardly leave, or would they take turns dying?? I’m really  picturing the National Guard standing in super awkward silence, looking really sympathetic for Grantaire, like “yikes, that rejection was worse than death, you’re free to go,” kind of thing. someone help, I’ve had this on my mind all day now..

“Well we were going to kill him but he was shot down so hard I don’t think he could have survived, sir.” 

didn’t even realize it was a bot because this interaction is so human