littlemacarons

ℭ𝔞𝔫 𝔶𝔬𝔲 𝔣𝔢𝔢𝔩 𝔪𝔢 𝔩𝔬𝔫𝔤𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔣𝔬𝔯 𝔶𝔬𝔲 𝔣𝔬𝔯𝔢𝔳𝔢𝔯, 𝔣𝔬𝔯𝔢𝔳𝔢𝔯?

i bought a character design from my friend karu-tan that really spoke to meeee

it really had me with the pearls, frills, and asymmetrical legs but i changed it up JUST a little bit to be like an AU/vtuber version of my OC illie lol

20 years is a long time to hold on to a character. i created illuser when i was in 9th grade, she was originally just a fantasy persona of myself that i self-inserted into my best friend's fan comics/fics as comedic relief

illie's purpose, personality, and appearance has changed over time but so have i, and i'd like to think we've grown up together over the years.

she is both herself, and me simultaneously and i love her so freaking much. like a best friend, sister, and self reflection.

i've daydreamt her story for over 2 decades, finding the best situations for her in my mind, and i felt it was finally time to actually do something more than just draw her, so i bought a 200-page journal to brain-dump every thought and daydream into one place to sort through once the journal is completely filled. then i can finally piece together every tiny thing that crossed my mind about her and form her story and truly start showing what's been swirling in my head for so long

it feels cathartic to do, honestly as it has allowed me to really explore my own thoughts and feelings on existing, the world, and connection with others as i reflect it through her eyes. i hope that through her, i can share my own self in a way that is comfortable to me, and easy to explain since i am bad at words

also here's some more recent renditions of her that happen further in her story:

with that said, i think i'll stop just lurking and liking posts with occasional reblogs here on tumblr, but start blabbing to whoever stumbles across my posts about a character i created as a teen (who felt left out/othered alot) and grew up with and am still learning and growing with well into adulthood