A little Light never hurt?

Do you see how they treat you? I would never do this to you. You can’t even be sure if the ones you care for would protect you as I would. They don’t even know you want them and they aren’t here to comfort you. I am though. I’ve always been here.

Shut up. Your whispers are making this worse. My friends will be safe when you’re gone. That’s all I want. I want them to be safe and happy.

You want them to be yours. Isn’t that your deepest desire? For one of them to see you as more than a mere healer? To be more than their Little Light? Don’t you want them to want you, too?

As tightly as Shilly held her eyes closed there was no escaping the visions the dagger played within her mind. Von’s hand held out to her before embracing her. The warmth that always radiated from him soaking into her tired body. His voice softer as he whispered to her about how he was sorry he never saw it before. Her heart clenched and she curled up tighter as the crushing weight of solitude bore down on her.

Like the vision he was, Von disappeared like smoke only to be replaced by Cade’s hand resting on her shoulder. A small smile, comforting in how tired he was as well. The way he pulled her close and hugged her tightly soothed the ragged edges of her heart. Smelling like various plants and herbs, his image drifted away and left her alone again.

Darkness surrounded her and all she could hear was her gasping sobs, every inch of her body aching and burning and then cool fingers brushed through her hair. Looking up, it was Rey coming to sit next to her and somehow the darkness was less frightening. His fingers laced with hers before bringing her fingers up to be kissed. Her heart was racing now, their eyes locked, and it felt so very real to her…

Why do you do this to me… For something that claims to love me, you hurt me so much.

I just want you to see what you try so hard to deny. These tiny mortals will never know your depth, your potential, and they will squander your talents. Together we can be so much and we would never be lonely. It would always be us two.

It hurt, her heart breaking all over again as Rey blended into the darkness and the loneliness sunk back into her skin. Curled into the smallest ball she could, Shilly wept even as she admitted the dagger was right. But it wasn’t the whole truth, and she knew it. That’s what it did, Zabra had told her. It gave little lies like a breadcrumb trail into her heart. Yes, she wanted a partner. Yes, she was attracted to her friends, but there was more to it as well. She had never -told- them, or even hinted that she wanted more than friendship.

Without me, who will you have that truly knows you.

Without me, who will love you.

Go away. GO AWAY!

Hands clutching her heart, Shilly wept tears of regret and pain. Light burned through her very soul, cleansing away the last vestiges of negativity leaving her soul naked and exposed. Every thought hurt and emotion of any sort was like acid on a burn.

Zabra watched as the little healer lay on her side, curled into a ball weeping, but the dagger was out of her hand. The tethers of darkness and corruption that had tied the dagger to her were weak and as he watched, the sheer unstoppable amount of the Light flowing into her burned away those anchor points. Her heart-breaking sobs hurt him physically, Alonsus grabbing onto his robe to keep the troll from going to the little woman. “Not yet, my friend. Soon. She’s nearly free.”

“Alonsus… She’s breakin’ under de daggah’s weight.” Crouching down, his eyes locked on Shilly’s anguished face. “If it winnin’...”

The circle had been made of candles and was surrounded by priests of every race, each wearing an expression of concern or curiosity. This sort of thing had never been attempted before but everyone was made aware of how strong a hold the dagger had on Shilly. In their center was a table with a large, heavily warded and blessed box waiting for the dagger.

Taking her place, Shilly breathed in slowly as she allowed the shadows within her to emerge. For someone who was always a bright ray of sunshine she soon had tendrils of darkness covering the entire circle while her own form was partially see-through. In her hand was the dagger, a palpable presence oozing from it that made Zabra nervous. This was an Old God, contained in a piece of metal and held by someone he saw as his niece. An Old God that manipulated and twisted her so easily and he swore the damn thing mocked him as he curled a tendril around her tiny wrist. Alonsus stood beside him and nodded, the undead High Priest scowling even deeper in mirror of Zabra’s expression.

“We begin. Shilly, all you need to do is breathe and try to push against the shadows.” For all his scowling, Alonsus was still gentle with the human woman and made sure his voice was free of any harshness. “Let us handle the rest.”

She nodded and took a seat, the dagger on the stones in front of her with a web of tendrils stretching from it to her. Closing her eyes, she did as Sa’ara had told her and looked within for all the negative emotions that were normal for humans. For a little bit, she needed to be more than human. Around her the priests began their prayers as they gathered Light within the circle. Even though she couldn’t see it, she could feel the weaker tendrils releasing her arms and legs.

First it was fear. That was her biggest challenge, she thought. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of not being strong enough. Fear of not being -enough- to save people. Fear that the dagger was going to use her to kill again. Like weights, these had been building up and dragging her deeper and deeper into anxiety and no amount of Light was going to cure her of them. But she could accept them. Sort of.

Fear of not being good enough? She had been studying non-stop since making the Deal. Alonsus was so proud of her and had nothing but praise for her ability to heal quickly and almost painlessly. Fear of not being strong enough? Zabra and even Highlord Falkieri had told her time and time again she had more Light in her heart than anyone else they knew. That should be proof enough that she was indeed strong enough to help.

Or they’re lying to make you feel better. You know they pamper you, coddle you, protect you from all the real danger. You’re a pretty little doll they don’t want hurt.

**Shut it. Falkieri doesn’t lie. Even if Zabra has lied to me, Falkieri hasn’t. Even if they protect me it’s because I’m valuable to them. That alone should be enough! I’m -needed- and you aren’t. Shut it. **

The Light around her was so much stronger now, her skin felt warm and she could hear the chiming of the Na’aru that were helping. Some of the larger tendrils of darkness were forced to retreat back into the dagger but she could still feel the way they squirmed under her skin. The way they gripped her heart grew stronger and a hand went to her chest as she coughed a few times.

Fear is something that lives within everyone’s heart. They fear you even now. Why else would they work so hard to separate us? Together we can do so much. Together we could -be- so much more!

Shut. Up. I don’t want you. I never did! Yes, I’m afraid of you, too, but that ends today. You won’t be my problem anymore. You won’t be in my dreams and whispering to me. That’s most of my fear already being taken away!

There was no reply from the dagger for that so Shilly chalked up herself a mental point and moved to the next big emotion she needed to face. The Light around her was being condensed and it felt like she was in a bubble of safety, but that also meant it was almost time for the hard part.

Jealousy … Sa’ara said that jealousy was man’s first great sin and the hardest to let go. How do I face mine though.  A deep breath, her eyes squeezed shut more, she bowed her head under the weight of realization.** I’m jealous of everyone else’s happiness. That makes sense. I’ve been struggling so long with fear and responsibility that I haven’t had time for me. Rand would pick on me so bad if he found out I was jealous of his freedom. **

Just his freedom? Or his love, too. You sit alone while they all have another. I’m the only one that has stayed with you through all of this. I’m the only one who knows and understands you. You’re right. They would pick and tease you if they knew how much you loved and yet were rejected. No one will love you like I do.

Her eyes snapped open and hands clutched at her robes as it felt like the dagger squeezed her very heart. Barely able to gasp, she leaned forward and struggled to breath as the Priests began to channel the Light into her.

Everything Burned. Her skin was too hot, she blood was beginning to boil, her breath stolen by the darkness coiling around her heart. From the corners of her eyes she could see Alonsus on one side and Zabra the other, fear and concern etched into their faces as they watched her struggle.

Saa’ra spoke, the voice a blend of male and female with an almost bell-like quality. “Little one. Rest. The ritual will be soon.”

Her very bones ached from the strain of kneeling on the floor and the archon beside her must have recognized that. Carefully, as if she would break, he scooped up the little healer and carried her out of the room to set on a bench. Concern darkened the draenei’s face but Shilly’s tired smile and barely audible thank you eased him a little. Zabra’s assistant was quickly by her side, tea in hand, and a blanket draped over an arm. There weren’t too many Nightborn that had joined the temple but this woman had dove in head first, learning everything she could. Even though they didn’t speak any common languages, Shilly and her had spent many hours studying together.

Now though, curling into the blanket that smelled of incense and tea, Shilly felt a weariness she had never experienced before. Trying to study seemed beyond her. Even walking was a daunting concept… The tea she managed to sip while the assistant watched over her. Once the cup was empty it was taken away and Shilly was left on the bench to watch as they prepared the center of the room for the ritual. Banks of candles were set up with the floor cleaned and polished. Zabra was in his full regalia, face paint and all, as he oversaw the set up. Catching sight of Shilly brought a concerned frown to his face that the paint exaggerated into a scowl. Shrinking deeper into the blanket, she hid her face as the troll shadow priest began walking her way.

His height blocked the light and he watched as Shilly tried to burrow deeper into the fabric and hide. Reaching out a hand, he gently touched the top of her head. She jumped but looked up at him and his heart clenched to see so much fear in the eyes of someone so pure. “Little Ligh’. Don’ju worreh. Ah’ll be righ’ dere keepin’ ju safe. We all gonna be. Gettin’ dis done is gonna be for de bes’.” For all his intimidating appearance Zabra spoke with a soft voice and crouched down so he’d be more at eye level with her. “Ju know ah’m no gonna leave ju alone wit’ dis.”

A tiny smile, almost a ghost of one really, touched her face and she reached a hand up to touch his still resting on her head. “Thanks. Can I go outside for a bit? Maybe some sun will help perk me up.”

Nodding as he stood, Zabra picked her up and began walking toward the portal out. “Ju righ’. A bitta sun will get some Ligh’ back into dat face.”

Squirming as he walked, she managed to actually sulk up at him. “Can I please walk? I’m not an invalid, or a child!”

See, the dagger has managed to burrow into my soul. That’s where the nightmares and whispers are coming from and that’s how it’s controlling me so well. No one had noticed until Zabra tried to take it from my hand. It’s pretty deep, too.

The decision was made that the best option was to channel so much Light through me that there’s no darkness for the dagger to hide in. No where for it to latch onto. This means I have to face all my darkest thoughts.

Humans are darkness and light. That’s just how we are. All my attempts to be a good person and helpful and cheerful can’t hide the darker parts of me. Im scared that I can’t face that side of me. If I can’t, if the darkness wins, I’ll never be free of that terrible thing! It could have a stronger hold on me. it could use me to hurt more people.

I’m hurt that Alonsus thinks I’m a liability but I understand as well. He can’t let that happen again. Just looking at Von is painful. That horrible scar will never go away, I’ll see it all the time now. Maybe they’re right. Maybe I am a liability.

I’m a scared liability. Zabra doesn’t want me leaving Dalaran and would prefer I stay in the Temple. I can’t just sit still though. I’ll offer to help at the first aid center and maybe… maybe I’ll see if Rey will come talk to me.

I was scared of him at first. He’s almost comfortable with the void! I think for him it’s different then mine. Maybe he asked for it. Maybe he trained for it. I didn’t want it, the dagger chose me. But here is Rey, so nice and comfortable and easy to talk too. He likes the shirt that I had Shiv make, so I’m glad. I feel more relaxed around him and Thad then I do some of the other friends. Cere is different, too, but I think mostly because he understands how much my heart hurts to see people hurt because of me.

As the staff shattered, shards of the holy weapon speared through the demons around her, Shilly dropped down to hands and knees next to Von. The worgen was conscious enough to move a hand to brush hers, the touch feather-light with a trail of blood left behind on her pale skin. It was enough though. Her skin was ice cold and the contact seemed to jolt her awake. Sitting back, hands over her face, Shilly began to laugh. Not the usual bright laugh, but something cold. Something dangerous. Her hands lowered and the hordes of demons saw not the defiant gold eyes from before but black empty pits. Streams of shadow fell from her eyes and mouth, wrapping the slender form before burrowing under the ground.

“I EXIST. ALL WILL BE CONSUMED.” The voice that crawled out of her was -wrong-. Several voices in discord were blended together, Shilly’s body moving like a puppet to stand. Tendrils of darkness and void squirmed around her and the ground nearest her, wiggling beneath her skin as a collection of them began wrapping around Von. For a brief moment, possibly just his imagination, Von heard the whisper of Shilly’s true voice Not this one and felt the brush of her fingers on his muzzle. Instead of strangling him like they had intended, the tendrils spread out and surrounded him in a protective bubble.

From where he floated, his body held in place by void, he could see as the entity controlling Shilly’s body ripped and shredded through enemies. Whole infernals were thrown back off the cliffs and eredar casters were devoured by hideous mouths opening in the ground. “ALL WILL BE CONSUMED.” Mouths opened up and several comrades were swallowed up as well, their screams echoing from the open chasms she created as she walked. Fires were put out by overwhelming shadows, the void creature that had once been their healer laughing as those she protected were absorbed.

Not waiting for a response from the other priests, she ran to support her friend and the troops that had come charging up the hill to their rescue. Golden Light radiated from her upheld staff, feet lifting from the ground as her whole being focused on sending out healing energy to those defenders she could reach. Straining her already exhausted body meant little to Shilly. There were injured that needed to be healed and defenseless she wanted to help protect. Exhaustion could be dealt with later and Tu’ure whispered to her that she was stronger than she thought, to have faith in herself, to shine brightly, and to give hope.

And then Von went down in a spray of blood, his sword falling from limp fingers. Standing over him, wings spread wide and flaming sword raised high, the Doomguard readied to finish off the worgen. The sword whistled as it fell through the air, flames trailing behind it only to be stopped by Shilly’s tiny frame and the thin wood of her staff blocking the much larger weapon.

“Foolish mortal. Perish!” Pushing down with his considerable strength, the Doomguard roared in her face as she nearly fell to a knee. Arms quivering, the gold light radiating from her brightens even more in a final effort to protect her friend. Sweat broke out and soaked her already drenched robes as her knee hit the ground, elbows bending until the axe was a handbreadth from her face.

He’s going to kill you. The voice was quiet, barely heard over her frantic prayers to send healing to Von. Why save someone who’s dead? Tears began to fall down her cheeks even as the demon looked surprised that she was holding him back. You can’t hold him off for much longer. The voice became softer, and yet easier to hear, as if the noise around Shilly was fading away. You’re so tired. So very tired.

Closer now, as if the source of the voice was whispering directly into her ear. Let me help.

Shilly realized where the voice was coming from even as her arms began to give way, the axe nicking her forehead so that a tiny trickle of blood mingled with her tears. A final flare of Light erupted from the staff, a crack like ominous thunder, and the wood splintered into hundreds of shards. Victorious, the voice that had been nagging at her screamed in delight even as the Light disappeared to show the Doomguard dead and the ground around them scorched.

So focused on her work she didn’t notice the imp slinking passed her, crawling beneath cots until it was able to hide behind a stack of crates. Several more soon joined that one while others successfully hid throughout the perimeter of the healer’s tent.

It wasn’t until the fire started that anyone noticed they were under attack. Bandages, already soaked in disinfectant, caught and burned quickly. Every healer snapped their head up to watch in terror as their supply of medical herbs and potions burned. Apprentices ran to collect water from the pond while mages and shamans began summoning water to put the blaze out but it was too late. The tent caught next urging several people split off from trying to douse the flames to trying to rescue the patients, dragging them out from under the fiery canopy.

Guards scrambled to take care of the imps as the troublemakers continued setting everything important they could find on fire. Food supplies, books, maps, and even the furniture was quickly blazing while everyone did what they could to reduce the damage. Priests erected a barrier around their patients, the ambient light pulsing faintly as they scramble to keep it up. Shilly, leaving her staff with the shard of Tu’ure behind with them to help, was helping put fires out when the tell-tale sound of infernals landing shook the very ground they stood on.

A week passed as the guards and troops diminished steadily in the struggle to hold back their stream of attackers. Every cot within the healer tent was full with wounded stretching out on the ground while more coming in by the hour. Dark circles sat under every healer’s eyes, their movements slower as the struggle to keep up was lost. Whole squads of injured were being sent to Dalaran for healing and the call went out for reinforcements.

Leaning against the bookcase, her normally tanned skin pale from exhaustion, Shilly watched as three more dead were removed from her section. The spaces were quickly filled again and she set to work with poultice and bandages where she could. Supplies were low but so was strength as many of the healers were barely able to heal a bruise let alone the deep gashes left by demonic blades. Her hands shook as they hovered above her patient’s stomach wound, the faint glow emanating from Shilly as the flesh started to knit together again. Her breathing was ragged but the wound was mostly healed before she had to stop. An apprentice healer was by her side in moments, a cup of broth being held out.

“Healer, please, try to drink something. They say reinforcements will be here soon so there will be fresh healers!” The smile was forced, apprentices just as tired as healers, but Shilly returned the smile all the same.