its almost 4am, uncomfortable, trying to get to sleep with Willow under the blankets. something she never did before Libby died. I can't stop thinking about how I wish it could have been better, calmer... she was so scared at the end. i was trying my best for her and my partner but my heart was breaking. she deserved so much better. its been over 5 months now. if this one didn't need me so badly I don't know what I would do, maybe Willow knows part of me needs her under the blankets at night. we thought we might lose them both and Willow isnt completely out of the woods yet, she's such a good cat, she's our baby but tonight I miss my best friend. she was my confidant for so many years, she was there for me through every darkest moment. she was different than any other pet. she was like a sister and after a semester apart, she was my only college roommate. I feel like I really took her friendship for granted, I've taken all my friendships for granted, I don't make them or keep them well but I always had her. 15 years, the longest friendship with any being by a lot. I talked to her and she answered me always. she was funny. she was curious and just as playful at almost 15 as she was at 2 years old. I admired her independence yet overwhelming loving nature. she would purr constantly, loudly, while sitting together or being petted. she loved being brushed and she would groom me too. she was my princess, she was so smart. In her last months she started sleeping in the bedroom again, in a laundry basket by my side of the bed and I think she did that for me. she went downhill so fast, I wish we had more time but it wouldn't have made it any less painful. she was always there for me. things are so uncertain and it's getting dark again, I don't know what to do now. a part of me is so deeply lonely and I don't think this chasm in my heart is ever going away.