laudna and grief! unformed!
been a minute since i posted something that wasn’t a meme on here, but! c3e95! walk with me!
there is acceptable grief, and there is unacceptable grief. there is grief that fits as a digestible reaction for those around you, and then there is the irradiating, festering grief that grows teeth and eyes and hands and tries to take everything around you and break it down it so the world feels a little less all-consuming. most loss that i have experienced results in some mixture of the two, and this seems to be a fairly universal experience.
orym is a master of acceptable grief. he has a very understandably painful background that is very easy to conceptualize, at least on paper, for those around him. he has lost his father. he has lost his husband. he mourns quietly, by going to gravesites and using tokens of those who died. but that other grief, the irradiating kind, he very obviously does not do anything with that. that’s what led him to encourage laudna to let the darkness overtake her. that’s what led him to take the sword away from everyone. that’s what led him to deal FIFTY POINTS OF DAMAGE to laudna when she tried to wither the sword from his back. his grief has become cancerous! it is tainting his vision and clenching his fists. he is a dangerous, dangerous man right now. but that danger isn’t discussed, because his grief has fit the bounds of acceptance for a very long time, as opposed to:
laudna! laudna, laudna. laudna broke my heart this episode. her grief has never been acceptable. not in its totality. her death was an isolating, singular event, a death for the purpose of a message sent to strangers… more difficult to empathize with, from the outside. and then she WOKE UP! and she came back DIFFERENT! she isn’t mourning a husband, she isn’t solely mourning her father, she mourned HER LIFE. “do not speak to me about loss again.” her violent, evil, unacceptable grief about her death quite literally grew a mouth and eyes and hands, and it became her abuser, perched up in her head, telling her it would keep her safe.
for months now, laudna’s grief has been dismissed because it doesn’t fit a traditional convention of grief, bolstered by her stretching of the truth. (crucially, not lying.) but imogen still manages to see her grief, and tries to reach her, but to her, now, on that roof, in the wake of that fight in the dark, it seems like imogen isn’t worth enough for laudna to set the grief down. to LAUDNA, whose grief suffered through loss has told her time and time again that it is her only protector, cannot understand why imogen cannot see that this grief is FOR her. it’s to keep her safe.
that whole scene on the rooftop. the gears visibly creaking in imogen’s head as she tries her hardest to divine laudna’s intent, to try and find something explainable that will soothe the absolute bone-deep pain they’re both clearly feeling—and there’s nothing. laudna didn’t mean it, but she also did, and she’s not entirely wrong for meaning it. this was delilah, but it was also laudna, but it was also all of the hells gathering up acceptable grief and trying to push the unacceptable grief somewhere it won’t hurt them. it’s no one’s fault. it’s everyone’s.
“i love you, i just don’t know what to do with it.”
imodna: the narrative ship of all time.
andulkaphoto
snowghoul
2087
turnnoffyourmind
