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@lionsystem
Fuck everything

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I feel so inhuman these days.
I would do anything not to feel like this not to be like this not to live like this. Anything.
I dont want to be like this
I hate being told that sometjing I'm doing is a Symptom. I fucking know its a Symptom. Unfortunately I don't have the luxury of respecting myself as a person with Symptoms bc there is too much shit to do constantly.

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I cant live like this. I hate this I hate myself I can't live like this. If I'm actually going to acknowledge my mental illness if I'm actually going to accept that I'm autistic and that I have limitations then I have to scale back all my activity and my living space and my entire lifestyle to accommodate my actual needs. But I can't do that. I don't have the luxury of doing any of that. So I will just not be autistic I will just not be disabled because I have to keep going. I don't get to just only leave the house once a week or any amount I could actually handle without having a breakdown inside even if I don't let it out. I don't have the luxury of accommodating myself I have too much to do every day I don't get to live how I actually need to live if I actually let myself be autistic. So I will just not.
I cant do this much every day. I can't talk to this many people have this many interactions in one day I can't do this I hate this it makes me hate myself it makes me feel like killing myself by the end of the day. I can't do this. I can't live like this I can't live in this kind of a world. I can't live like this.
I spent all my Christmas money on weed cuz I wasn't paying attention I had meant to buy a food dehydrator but I guess I just won't fucking do that. It's not like I have space in the kitchen for another fucking machine anyway. Kill me.
I desperately want to scale back literally everything in my life. All this fucking material excess feels like it's suffocating me. Going to stores every day makes me want to rip my own throat out. All I do is buy stuff and have panic attacks over how much stuff I own. I am getting nearly actually suicidal over this bit there is no solution I can't just force everyone in my life to stop buying things and get rid of stuff. I hate this society. I want to scream and cry and kill myself over this fucking endless consumption that I am myself consumed by. I want to wander off into the woods and decompose. I hate the way I live.
I think if I have to go back on Adderall I might try to kill myself

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I desperately wish I hadn't been on Adderall since I was 8. I would do anything to change that. I would do anything.
people misunderstand what âgifted kidâ actually means but itâs ok itâs fine itâs cool itâs good
itâs not about actually being gifted, itâs about an initial higher scoring on standardized testing that means little to nothing or being good at learning in the way elementary and middle school wants you to, so you get marked as âadvancedâ. in reality, maybe you had faster development in certain areas, but the issue with being a gifted kid isnât that âeveryone told me I was so cool and special for reading and then I actually wasnât :(â itâs âI wasnât properly taught to handle things not coming easily to me, but the adults around me were counting on me not being a âdifficultâ child in school.â
people who use it as some weird bragging method or interpret it that way are ignoring the way a lot of school systems force certain roles on students to simplify the learning process. If your kid doesnât need to take notes to understand a science concept bc they get it naturally, well thatâs good, but now youâre not teaching them how to take notes and theyâre not learning that important soft skill. but because âgiftedâ kids are easy and donât show that theyâre falling behind in learning in other categories that are harder to quantify, they eventually fall behind after that catches up to them. Itâs about the failures of a one size fits all school system trying to compensate in the worst way possible.
And also the thing where âgiftedâ kids are super likely to also be neuroatypical, which they donât get screened for because they appear to be doing well in school. Or âYou canât be ADHD/autistic/etc, because youâre doing so well in school!â. Or being shamed for developing mental health issues/generally not being able to keep up with school work later, because you USED TO BE able to do it just fine.
Or the assumption that just because you can read well or you like math class, youâre somehow more EMOTIONALLY mature than your little kid brain is actually capable of being.
Or gifted kids whose parents and teachers put immense pressure on them to Do Great Things and Save The World and youâre like. âIâm 10 and I have no idea how to do that, but everyone is saying thatâs my job?â.
This is the best âgifted kidâ post out there. I never took notes until college because I didnât have to, snd when it got challenging I had to literally teach myself note taking at age 18. It also fucks with your perception of asking for help - youâre advanced, youâre competent, you should be able to understand every topic easily. Asking for help/going to office hours/asking for a tutor feels like failing when you were praised in your early years for not needing to do that.
Sick of people saying "you can't have this kind of alter or that kind of alter".
Do you really think we went out of our way to have trans or poc alters? Do you think we choose and create alters?? Do you really think an alter that isn't 100% like the body should change? Are you going to force an alter to change their name because it makes you uncomfy when that alter has a deep connection to said name? Are you going to ignore the fact that they are not hurting anyone by existing and that you're hurting them far more than they ever could you? Are we not going to talk about the fact that no normal person is going to look at someone with DID and think "oh yeah if they can have x alter, then that must mean I can say I'm x too đ¤Ş"?
We don't choose these things, we really can't help it. Stop trying to make a disorder into something "appropriate" or "acceptable". It's a disorder for gods sake. It was never meant to be rooted in societies opinions.
[Endos don't touch this post, this doesn't apply to you and you know damn well why]
I should have just stayed in the parking lot to wait I should not have come home all I have wanted for two days is to be home and I should have known I was gonna have a breakdown when I got here
God I can't fucking live like this I want to burn everything I own I want to set everything on fire and walk away

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I was past my threshold a day and a half ago and it's still going it still going
My brain is telling me to clean everything or I'm going to die and I can't I physically do not have the energy and I was coming home to feel literally any better I'll take anything but no I get home and I feel worse I can't exist here I can't breathe it's so messy I can't breathe I can't function I literally cannot move