Lil' Reviews of Reviews

Thank you, Benny J, Pasadena, CA for your review of - actually, the name of the restaurant doesn’t matter for this particular review of a review. So, let’s start over.

Thank you, Benny J, Pasadena, CA for your review of “The Wedge Salad.” I have news for you, Benny. This restaurant did not invent this salad. If you’d done your research you’d have found that “the wedge” dates back as far as 1916 and here you are, nearly 100 years later, just discovering it. 

This salad is almost exactly as you’ve described: Drenched in dressing, wedges of meat (bacon), and wedges of lettuce. As for your “nearly colorless romaine lettuce”, I’d like to introduce you to the actual name for it: iceberg lettuce. Some restaurants may add other garnishes such as cherry tomatoes or green onions, but you’ve pretty much nailed the main three ingredients. 

As far as boring, I think you’re looking at it all wrong. The beautiful thing about a wedge salad is that it’s really just a vehicle for creamy bleu cheese dressing and bacon chunks under the guise of a salad because, you see, “nearly colorless romaine lettuce” has little to zero nutritional value. 

Imagine you’re out to dinner with the in-laws and the server comes by to take your order. Are you going to feel comfortable ordering the artery-clogging plate of lard covered in moldy cheese soup? Probably not (though I don’t know you). But you can still enjoy these delicacies (shame-free) via the wedge salad. I don’t know what more inspiration you need, Benny J.

To address the issue of waiting forty minutes... that may feel like a long time but I’d consider it forty more minutes of your life without sky-high cholesterol. Eh?

Thank you, Madi A, Mission Bay, San Diego, CA for your review of The San Diego Zoo. 

“I’d rather see animals freed than behind the bars” says the person who purchased a ticket to the ZOO. 

Have you ever considered that maybe the sadness you could see in their eyes was because of the sadness they could see in your eyes? You spent $56 on an adult ticket to the zoo, only to write a one star yelp review because you were upset that a zoo was... a zoo. 

Madi A, I have a feeling that you find yourself constantly disappointed in life because nothing ever meets your expectations. And that deep down you know these expectations are so unrealistic that nothing and no one will ever be able to live up to them. And the only person to blame for that is you.

I imagine you, every year on your birthday, hugely depressed that everyone forgot when in reality you never actually told anyone when it was. Does that sound familiar to you, Madi? 

Whether or not you’re correct or incorrect about the zoo, your unwillingness to accept things as they are is leading you to self-destructive excursions where you end up face to face with something that has successfully adapted to confinement - something you have never been able to do. Making you the animal in the cage but your cage is just a self-inflicted judgmental barrier from which you can’t escape. That is the sadness the animals could see in your eyes, Madi A. and you were seeing it reflected right back at you. 

Maybe you should just book a safari instead. Or go to a local park. Or don’t go to the zoo expecting it to not be a zoo.

Thank you, Brian R, Boca Raton, FL for your review of Donut King in Los Angeles, CA. 

So, just a quick edit. Instead of:

“I’m keeping it short because words are wasted on a place that exists to hustle and a buck, and no more.”

How about:

“I’m keeping it short because I’ve already written 1,578 other reviews and no one asked for my opinion.”

I think it’s safe to say that most donut shops in LA are a front for the mafia, but some of them actually sell good donuts and some of them don’t. You’ve already written A LOT of reviews - like, an absurd amount - so can’t you, for once, just eat a shitty donut and move on with your life? 

You said you weren’t going to waste words by wasting words telling us how you weren’t going to waste words. It’s like when people go on social media to announce that they’re taking a break from social media. It’s dumb and annoying.

I really only care about this because the amount of reviews you’ve written suggests a level of self-importance that makes me angry. In terms of the quality of the review, it’s boring and not very helpful and as someone who takes this task very seriously you should be embarrassed. 

Thank you, Scott L, Houston, TX for your reviews of a Twin Peaks in Houston, TX, a bar called Simone on Sunset also in Houston, TX, and the Michelin Star restaurant, Gramercy Tavern, in NY. 

So, the main thing that you’ve made clear in your reviews is that you are trash. I would use the term ‘misogynistic’ but I fear you’d take it as a compliment.

The only difference between August 8th, 2014 - when you reviewed both Twin Peaks and Simone on Sunset - and February 20th, 2016 is that your bougie ass tried to go somewhere fancy. Good job googling things that rich people complain about at restaurants, I guess you missed the part about how they loooooove to spend loads of money on small portions of food. Get with the program.

Thank you, Bob F, San Francisco, CA for your review of Grand Canyon National Park, and a Happy Earth Day to you!

I think you’re the piece of shit. 

Thank you, Erica B, Flatbush, Brooklyn, NY for your review of a New Orleans-style bar called The Holler in Bed Stuy, Brooklyn. Your review isn’t particularly unusual or extraordinary, you have no major complaints that need to be addressed, you simply had a really nice time which you expressed through this review. 

As if it’s not already clear, my general point of view about online reviews is ‘why write them?’ but more importantly I am so sick, SO SICK, of reading copious amounts of reviews by people having mediocre experiences purely because they’re actively looking for problems. You didn’t do that. 

You were clear about your intentions (you were looking to get f***ed up on a Tuesday night), you succeeded, it went well, and it shows in your review. You began with a silly joke which, even though it was pretty bad, made me happy because it showed me a bit of your personality that I think I would like. You complimented the staff (always great to hear!) and you explained enough about the atmosphere that, had I been looking to go there, I would know what to expect. 

There were things you wanted out of the experience that weren’t exactly what you were looking for, i.e. music, but you still had a great time! I strongly believe that what the world needs now is more positivity and if it has to come through a fucking Yelp review then so be it.

Just a couple of notes before we wrap this up... when you said, “let’s just say I had a great night when I went home if you know what I mean lol” it was not clear to me what you meant. I was thinking maybe you went home and made some pasta with butter and ate it in bed while watching Dawson’s Creek. Or maybe you went home and made a grilled cheese dipped in ketchup and ate it in bed while watching Dawson’s Creek. Or maybe you went home and had a microwaved leftover pizza in bed while watching Dawson’s Creek. Because that’s what I think of as a great night after drinking at a bar. Then I kept reading and realized you were on a date so it was that kind of great night. Which, good for you, girl! Get it in! But, in the future, please be more clear about things like that from the beginning. 

Additionally, I just hope you know that you don’t have to be drunk to have sex after a date. Or at least I think you don’t (not sure I’ve ever tried) but the feminist in me thinks you’re great and that you should be confident enough to get naked with someone while sober - or at least not completely f***ed up. 

Thank you, Derrek G, Shippenville, PA for your reviews. 

I’m going to ask that everyone take a couple of minutes to read (or at least attempt to read) Derrek G’s reviews out loud to themselves. I feel that this is necessary before continuing with my review so, please begin... And now that you’re done...

Does anyone know what the hell Derrek G is saying? Derrek, do you even know what you’re saying? You sound like a font - like if wingdings had a voice - and it’s just as absurd and irritating as I thought it would be. 

It’s weird because you say things like, “it wuz pretty damn close for a mommy cow not gettin her tiddy tug on 2 make da milk”, yet you can correctly spell (and use) words like impressive, texture, ingest, disappointment, press conference, recognize, experience, bestow, leprechaun, foray, and Quentin Tarantino. It seems like what you are doing is actively ignoring every single thing that has ever been taught to you about the English language.

I imagine it’s a lot of work, especially if you’re typing these on your phone. The time it would take for a phone to accept your "creative” spelling would make any normal human give up, but no, nevertheless he persisted.

Seriously though Derrek, it’s 2019, being intelligible is cool and absolutely no one uses the term “dawg” anymore - thank god. Don’t you want to people to ever take you seriously? They won’t if you keep this up. 

I’m going to give you two stars, Derrek G, one extra for inventiveness. Reading these several times I did start to admire just how elaborate your language is. I may have actually started to understand certain sentences; the comparison of “donal trumps” hair to thin toilet paper, I appreciated. That being said, this phase of your life has to stop. PLEASE. 

Thank you, Jess S, Beverly Hills, CA for your review of brunch this Sunday at a restaurant which shall remain nameless.

Today’s review is rather unusual because I was there on Sunday - I am one of the two waitresses “busy chit chatting”. It’s nice to finally know your name Jess S, because I definitely know your face. We all do. You come in here every weekend to eat brunch by yourself at the bar and every weekend you are incredibly rude. I don’t know what you’re learning at church but it certainly isn’t the Golden Rule.

It’s truly amazing how severely some people lack self-awareness, and by some people I mean you (and most of the people on Yelp). Let me go through what actually happened on Sunday.

After Stef took your order she gave you some silverware. I guess the knife had a small fuzz on it which upset you, causing you to nearly throw it back at her saying, “This is absolutely disgusting. Get me a new knife”. Then Juan (one of the runners) brought over your coffee with cream but no sugar and you very loudly stated that it was “moronic” for him to not bring sugar with him. That doesn’t sound like “kindly” asking the waitress for sugar to me. Two seconds later Stef grabbed you a sugar caddy yet you continued to loudly reiterated just how dumb you thought it was that someone would bring you cream, but not sugar, for your coffee.

This went on even after I’d walked away and come back to the bar several minutes later. At this point Stef had, had enough and said “You don’t have to be rude about it. You could have just asked me for the sugar.” And then you said something snarky in return, so Stef replied with, “Every time you come here you are very nasty. You know, you’re starting to get a reputation here”. She knows she probably shouldn’t have said that to you, but honestly I’d like to give her a standing ovation.

I don’t understand why people have this idea that because we’re at work waiting tables that we’re somehow void of any thoughts or feelings or that the ones we have we absolutely must keep to ourselves. We shouldn’t always have to. Not with the level of entitlement and privilege that we are forced to deal with every day. Once in a while, enough is enough. And that’s what happened. Stef had, had enough of your rude, entitled, Beverly Hills bullshit.

And like any difficult customer you asked to speak to the manager. I don’t know how it works at all restaurants but at my restaurant the manager hearing out the complaint of a customer is purely just to make the customer feel like something is going to be done when in reality no one really gets fired and work continues as usual.

Then the big threat, which you made to my manager, was that you are a “prolific” Yelper. WOW. That is my second favorite thing about this whole fiasco. My first favorite thing is that when I went to the bathroom at work to check to see if you had, in fact, left a review, I checked your profile to see the prolific amount of Yelp reviews you’ve written and found... nothing. Why would you lie about being a prolific Yelper? That is even more pathetic than actually being a prolific Yelper.

From that point on you didn’t want Stefanie serving you so our host, Luis, took over. That’s probably why there was no follow up - because he actually had to do his job. Or maybe because no one wants to talk to you anymore.

The fact that you called Stefanie “un-educated” is ironic to say the least. To wrap this up I’ll just make a short list pointing out why:

Every not ever

Their not there

Too not to

Uneducated not un-educated

This isn’t even everything, these are just the very obvious basics.

I know it’s naive to think you’ll stop being such an entitled bitch, but I’m hoping you’ll at least stop coming to our restaurant. Your shitty tips are not worth the attitude. Maybe you should try to make some friends that way you’re not eating brunch all by yourself. Make them miserable, not us.

Thank you, Dave G, Los Angeles, CA for your review of Universal Studios in Los Angeles, CA.

Dave G, I’m kind of at a loss for what to say here. For starters this was EIGHT YEARS ago. Why are you writing a review now?! We could all use 16 dollars to help us out but my god, man, this is a new level of desperate… or crazy - not really sure which. Maybe both.

Any of the thousands of park guests that day could have stolen your money, but more importantly how the F was Universal supposed to know that there had once been $16 inside? You should just be grateful that they sent your wallet back at all. Whoever took your money could have just tossed it in the trash afterwards. Is it ideal that the best possible scenario still left you cashless? No. But the odds that you’d even get it back were slim to none and yet, EIGHT YEARS AGO, you did.

The true moral of the story is that you should always listen to your mother. She was right about those shorts, so you really have no one to blame but yourself, and here you are with this pathetic attempt to get your money back or whatever this is (EIGHT YEARS LATER). 

Also, Emily S. of Business Customer Service at Universal Studios Hollywood, what are you doing?! Why are you even acknowledging this nonsense? How do we know he’s even telling the truth? It happened EIGHT YEARS AGO - just had to repeat that once again, loud and clear for the people in the back - when he was 15 years old. Sometimes shit happens but he’s trying to blame this shit on Universal Studios. Blame the shorts! Don’t try to fix this! 

In lieu of an actual review of a review today, please read this. And once you have... 

Five billion stars for Francis G, business owner of Fluid Water Therapy in New  York, NY and your eloquently vicious passive-aggression. All hail the queen! 

And for the reviewer... I’m not going to give you a star rating because, I imagine, you had absolutely no idea how embarrassing this was all going to be for you. But believe me when I say, this has sparked SO much joy for me. Thank you. 

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

Instead of reviewing a review today, I’ve decided to simply present several reviews by some folks whose Valentine’s Day was absolutely ruined by 1-800-flowers.com.

All I will say is... no matter how pathetic and lonely you may have seemed yesterday - sitting on your couch, scrolling through nauseating Instagram posts of couples you're not sure you want to murder or bone, 3/4 of a bottle of wine and 39 out of 40 pizza rolls deep, seconds away from texting an ex to say “U up?” - just know that at least your day wasn’t “ruined” because you've been conditioned to believe that you, the most thoughtful human on the planet, absolutely must send someone flowers on Valentine’s Day or else the world will never ever know how thoughtful you are for expressing your love in such an original way.

Thank you, Colten K, Burnsville, MN for your five star review of Jersey Mike’s Subs in Nimrod, MN.

The idea of reviewing a Jersey Mike’s at all seems crazy and to take the time to write a positive review seems downright insane. The cynic in me thinks this review might be an inside job, but today I’m feeling good and I’m making the decision to accept this as exactly what it is proclaiming to be. 

This entire interaction between you and Business Owner gives me the warm-and-fuzzies inside. It’s the same feeling I get when people say hello to each other on the street for no reason, when a driver let’s another driver in their lane and that driver gives them a ‘thank you’ hand raise out the window, or when someone drops something and someone they don’t know helps them pick it up. There’s just somethin’ special about people not being pieces of shit to other people and other people appreciating them for it.

Thank you for taking the time to acknowledge something that went right. And for being aware enough to notice that someone went out of their way when it might have been challenging for them to do so. 

Thank you, Lee P, Long Beach, CA for your review of the city of Chicago. The actual city. 

Oh Lee, I think we both know that the reason your girlfriend left you had nothing to do with Chicago and after nearly eleven years I hope you’ve come to terms with that. But if you haven’t, you could look at it in one of two ways:

1. The joke is on her because as we speak Chicago is experiencing a polar vortex causing the wind chill temp to dip as low as -51 degrees. Yikes!

or 

2. She wanted to get out of the relationship so badly that she was willing to move to a place where it’s possible for the wind chill temp to dip as low as -51 degrees. 

Either one of the these perspectives is bound to spiral you into a necessary whirlwind of self reflection until you’re able to make peace and move on. 

Though, Lee P, I must admit that you have one thing that Chicago doesn’t: your sense of humor. I found this review to be chuckle-worthy in a somewhat sad, look-at-that-three-legged-puppy kind of way. 

I hope you’ve upgraded your xbox and filled your refrigerator with all the microwaveable snacks your broken heart could ever enjoy!

Thank you, Courtney B., Los Angeles, CA for your review of Hippo, a restaurant in the Highland Park neighborhood of LA.

I was sent your review and was made to feel anger towards you the minute I started reading it. (See what I did there?) Yet there are just so many “hilarious” things I have to say about it that you’ve actually given me a gift by sparking more joy than usual in my reviewing process.

Let’s just walk through your evening shall we?

You and your boyfriend go out to dinner without a reservation which is completely fine except for the fact that you’ve chosen a restaurant that seems to be busy enough to rely on them. Instead of just seating you and rushing your meal, the manager gives you a heads up by telling you that they need the table back by 7:30. It is very clear to me that you’ve never worked in a restaurant because this is totally normal if a place is booked for the evening. They were actually doing you a favor - if you had wanted a more relaxing, luxurious evening this was your opportunity to go elsewhere. Somehow this seems to have offended you.

Next you mention that you tried to make a reservation on Yelp but it didn’t have the option to do so. And somehow that is the restaurants fault? The manager responds with “Yelp is a silly, silly website and to never use it” (Not really the way to make a direct quote but okay). THEN - and this is my favorite part - you you say you think it’s “hilarious because she had no clue she was speaking to two Yelp Elite’s”.  

To which let me just say:

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHaaaaaaaaa.

Who do you think you are?

Oh, you’re Yelp Elite?! Who fucking cares! Also, for the record it’s “Elites” not “Elite’s”. Why would it be possessive? Idiot.

The manager is right. Yelp is a silly silly website. Do I think you should never use it? No. I definitely care for it when I’m looking up something as personal as a bikini waxer or something as important as checking if a place has happy hour, but it is not the most reliable website in the world.

Yelp is actually pretty petty, much like yourself. Did you know (I’m sure you didn’t) that Yelp will purposefully leave negative reviews at the top of a business’ page if the business won’t pay for it’s promotional services? More disgustingly it will actively remove 5 star reviews from business’ that don’t want to pay for advertising. It won’t update the hours of operation if they don’t pay, and it makes it more difficult to find places in a search if… they don’t pay. And if you don’t believe me look at the Yelp page for Yelp - TWO STARS - or talk to any small to medium sized business owner.

Aside from that, so many people (strangers) post unnecessary reviews on Yelp that your voice is most likely just getting sent into the masses. But hopefully it made you feel important, right?

How do you think that the table at 7:30 got their reservation? I don’t know, maybe they googled Hippo Los Angeles, found the link to the actual restaurant’s website - not a secondary website not actually connected to this business - and clicked on the giant blue button on the main screen which says ‘RESERVATIONS’. Wow. What an idea!

So your appetizer sat for ten minutes while everyone else was busy working somewhere else, that is unfortunate, but the fact that you had your eye on it the whole time makes it very obvious that you were not there to just eat dinner. 

(And for the record, as someone who works in restaurants I can tell you that 10 minutes in customer time is actually only about 3-4 minutes in real time.)

You were there to critique the restaurant. Because you think that somehow having a blue checkmark next to your name makes you a restaurant connoisseur. If that were the case you probably wouldn’t have needed the waitress to choose a wine for you, or you would have realized that the manager replacing your trout (which you even said was delicious) or warning you about a future reservation was her doing her job and doing it well.

In an ideal world you would have gone to the restaurant to enjoy the dining experience. Sitting across from (or probably next to, ugh) your boyfriend and actually talking to each other, rather than scoping the place for mistakes so you could angrily report them to the internet void. But you just don’t strike me as that kind of girl. Or given that you’re both Yelp “Elite’s” is this what keeps your relationship going? Is the act of spending money on the opportunity to scrutinize people who are just trying to do their jobs the glue that holds your relationship together?

The reason I’m giving you such a hard time Courtney B is because you sound like a self-centered asshole. “It is so incredibly tacky to tell a customer they have to leave by a certain time, no matter how many reservations you have.” Fuck off, Courtney. The world does not revolve around you. Why do you think your meal is more important than everyone else’s? Do you it’s fair the manager would have to tell the 7:30 reservation they have to wait because they got a “walk in” who won’t leave? And then the 9:30 has to wait, and you’ve now altered their entire floor plan because you think that your evening is more important.

You know what’s so incredibly tacky? YOU, Courtney, YOU are so incredibly tacky.

Take your silly Yelp Elite status (notice, not in quotes) and shove it.

Thank you, Annamarie S, Beltsville, MD for your review of the Full House House in San Francisco, CA. 

You hit the nail on the head, Annamaire S, it is just a house in a neighborhood. What more context do you need? 

You watched the sitcom Full House, in the opening credits there’s a shot of this row of houses located in San Francisco and the rest of the show is filmed inside of a sound stage 380 ish miles away in Los Angeles. 

I suggest you reevaluate your expectations and turn that one star into like a four. Did it conjure up some magical childhood feelings for you? Were Mary Kate and Ashley sitting and waiting for you on the stoop ready to welcome you into the Tanner home? No. But was it a house in a neighborhood? Yes. A house in a neighborhood used in the exterior shot of the opening credits of a sitcom called Full House. 

Thank you Melissa N., Astoria, Queens for your review of Pommes Frites in Manhattan, NY. 

Um, not sure who thought mayonnaise was not dairy free but it’s definitely not, not. You posted your review two years ago and I hope since then you’ve Googled the ingredients to find out that you’ve been wrong this whole time. 

Mayo is made out of oil and egg yolks which - when whipped together - turns out to be delicious. How dare you try to deprive the lactose intolerant community of the magic of mayo. You’re spreading fake news. It’s 2019, Melissa N. Do your research. Facts matter these days. 

In general, I really can’t stand when people review a place they’ve never actually been to/decided not to go to. You’ve now given them the lowest rating of stars because of misinformation. 

Also ketchup definitely doesn’t have dairy and that is a perfectly acceptable french fry topping for some of the best french fries to exist in New York City, which you’ve now completely missed out on. So dumb. 

Remember my last post where I gave Cathy R, Glendale, CA, shit for beginning her review with, “If I could give this place zero stars I would”? Well, as I had said, she isn’t the only one. There are far too many of you using this dumb tactic to make your experiences sound more severe. 

Out of fairness to Cathy R, I’m going to give a few more of you some slack about this.  

“If there was an option for me to give negative stars on yelp, I would totally click that instead of being forced to give this place 1 star.” - Katrina B. 

“the worst service ever if i can only give 0 star i will, but no choice i have to give at least 1.” - Mar L. 

“If I could give this place zero starts I would.” - Erika S.

“If I could have given it a zero I would.” - Kelly R.

“If I could give no stars I absolutely would...” - Shanita J.

“If there were zero stars I would give them zero stars.” - Eytan B.

“I would have given this less than one star if I could.” - Victoria C.

“If I could give no stars I would” - Marie K.

“They get one star because zero wasn’t an option.” - Kay L.

“If I could give this place no stars I would.” - Mary Grace T. 

Are these the beginnings of your lame yelp reviews or are these the messages on your tombstones? Either way it says something about who you are as a person. You lived seeking something that’s never going to happen and doesn’t matter at all. 

I’m going to give you all the benefit of the doubt and assume that you post reviews online to (hopefully) create some actual change rather than just to fulfill some frivolous fury that springs from a sense of entitlement.*** So in order to do that you all need to be more unique in your approach or else you’ll just become part of the noise which echoes endlessly into the void. 

So, zero stars for all of you!!!! Just like I told, Cathy R, this is my blog - I do what I want. So there.