Champagne Thoughts

The anger, the rage, the same exact action,

Suddenly I’m 12 again sitting in the kitchen table of my childhood house - I still remember it

The table was a light wooden color, rectangular

My mom livid with rage, had just prepared the family a meal,

It was a large glass bowl filled with some sort of salad, she had her apron on still

She was always cooking or cleaning,

She never rested, what was rest to an immigrant women like her? She barely had a childhood,

Rest is only a privilege I know about -

We all sat at the kitchen table, myself, my brother in front of me and my mother next to me,

My step father drunk and rough,

My mother arguing with him about something he probably did do but did not want to own up to it,

I could sense her anger raising by her facial impressions,

He said something slick-

She took the large glass bowl and threw it at the wall, along with a couple other dishes filled with food she prepared,

It splattered everywhere,

My step dad angry, stepped out of the chair and screamed my mothers name and walked out -

My mom in disappear and angry, began crying

I was startled and scared and confused,

Why did they always have to fight I thought,

Why does he always have to make her sad I thought,

Many years later here I am, sitting in my kitchen table-

It a light wooden color except it’s round and less expensive,

I’m communicating what is bothering me, I’m communicating what is alarming to me,

I sharing what is frustrated to me,

Your sitting down across from me, there’s food on table on black round bowls that you just cooked for us,

Your anger is raising from your facial expressions,

Your consumed by me bringing something up that you don’t think it’s a big deal,

But damn it I do,

You throw the plate of food,

It’s all splattered everywhere, I had just cleaned the house

I’m right back at where I was as a child,

I am in shock,

I am not even angry,

I’ve never experienced this Déjà vu before,

It happened so quick,

I sit in my chair in shock -

I am just repeating a cycle am I?

How can I be back here?

Why can’t we stop fighting -

Why does it always lead to a blow up?

What have I done?

The memory of mother is engraved in my head forever - always a reminder of being pushed to your emotional limit,

Yet here I am,

Again,

Witnessing it all,

I've seen many people settle for a life they end up desperately hating,

Waiting on a weekday outing to escape the inner linings of the life they regret building,

People quickly shape shifting into a person they never wanted to be, to get a life they actually never wanted,

In the fear of being alone,

They never faced their solitude or lonesomeness,

But escaped to a life they ended up resenting,

Lying to each other about who they are and what they want - reminiscing

About what once was, and what was once lost

The person they would have given their all too, but didn't choose them

I've seen it all, once too many

So there I was willing to not settle,

Waiting for a true being,

An honest one,

All to be mistaken once again,

A masked covering up the persona it pretended be,

Out of fear of missing out, the days in our lives

I wish I would have seen it before believing,

Chasing freedom has been my calling

Am I allowed to question?

What happens when I finally get what I prayed for?

Still not fully satisfied?

Is it my own self doubt?

My own self harm?

To crave instability in something stable?

To nit pick because of an unrealistic reality that lives in my head?

Is it me?

Am I the problem?

I’ve always been the problem

My own self afflicting wounds,

The same scab I pick at,

When it’s already heal,

It’s never been as I imagined,

I’ve never been right of what it was gunna feel like,

Then I stay up late at night, confronted by my fears,

All I’ve ever chased is freedom,

My selfish nature works better alone,

It’s always been easier for me,

Then I look up and realized my own decisions were based on emotions,

Then the emotions overwhelmed me,

Then the emotions over power me,

Then I give in,

Do I question myself?

My sanity?

My freedom?

My asks?

Or is it just working through it,

Looking back, the betrayal ...

But I gave it my all, and sucked it all up

Attended all the parties, perfect smile

Perfect soon to be wife, I had gone mad

I choose this over and over again,

Why was I so angry?

You were there all along, loving someone who wasn't going to choose you,

So she choose herself,

Just as I did,

I exploded the life I bruised myself to have,

While you were giving it your all to keep the life you created,

No bruises, just loyalty

Me? I went crazy,

After the fire I starter, I betrayed myself

I want to feel alive again, I wanted to feel desire again,

I did it,

You were trying to hold on to her,

While she was trying to get freedom,

24, a child bride?

Thats no way to live,

I relate to her,

Yet here I am,

Envy of her?

Is it the same for you?

Does my past keep you up?

She had you, didn't she?

But it wasn't the same pain, as mine

I didn't want to give up, but I had my fair share of sins

I claimed innocence, but there was no innocence there

You?

Had zero sins, zero wandering eyes

She took all your love, and drowned you in a ocean of her desires

Way bigger than a stable relationship,

I see it,

What if I wanna stay here, cuddle up in bed

Fetal position, reminiscing about younger years

Time passes so quickly, when things are good

Yet, so slowly

When things are bad

I want to hold on to the last four months,

The happiest, most pure moments

Prayers answered,

Love found,

But, never forever

Things change

Even small changes cause space, imagine

Bigger changes,

Stuck in between again

I'm tired of growing up,

Of getting it all wrong, and finally, finally

When I get it right,

When all I want to do is look at you,

All I want to do is inhale every particle of your scent,

I vowed to myself,

No domestication here,

Take it or leave it,

The actuality of safe and divine love hit me,

I am honor to serve every part of you,

My hands to keep yours warm,

My heart to keep you loved,

My eyes to keep you seen,

My ears to keep you herd,

All of me to keep you taken care of,

I am the one to do it,

Your voice is the safest frequency I’ ever herd,

How were you made so perfectly for me?

Without knowing me, and what I would need?

I cannot sleep,

When all I want to do is look at you,

The master piece that God created,

My divine love,

My sacred love,

Every new discovery, showcases the greatness of God,

For you, are more than I ever asked for,

My tunnel imagination…

Never made it this far,

To have every inch of you be exactly what fit,

In every inch of me,

So tell me,

How can I sleep?

When I don’t want to let go of any moment,

If it even, ever came back to me,

I stopped imagining after a while,

No use,

Everytime I thought it was possible,

It was burnt by a fire of my own self worth,

Ashes would end up all over my old wounds,

By the next day, I would move on,

I would see it though,

Walking alone - in moments of intimacy

Laughter,

Lovers holding hands,

A smitten smile,

The thoughts would come back to me,

I would ask God again,

Is it possible?

Will it ever reach me again?

Or was I at the mercy of my consequences,

Then small glimpses would comfort me,

I would see other people having it,

So ,

It still exists.. but just not for me,

And, I exhausted and impatient,

I surrender the possibility,

It’s not coming for me,

It’s not touching me,

I am just not enough for it,

I let it go,

Then,

I stumbled by the warmness of your heart,

The tenderness of your hands,

The beauty of your hazel eyes,

The calmness of your embrace,

The impossible happen,

Love came back to me,

In the shape of you,

My dearest and most amazing man,

It finally came to me,