A snippet from my latest Erwin x Reader fanfic ā¤ļøāš„
Find it on Wattpad/Ao3: @lilacarclady
The dark surface of your tea stares back at you as you sit at the table in the big dining hall. Tapping your index finger against your cheek as you prop yourself against your palm. It's, again, one of those early mornings, where you're being dragged out of bed at the crack of dawn to do your routine warm ups. It's been like this for three years now. And every year, where you think things will get better, easier, they donāt. If anything, they get worse. Harder. Rougher. The training hours seem to stretch for too long by each passing day. Four hours in the morning, then routine work at the barracks, depends on what you get assigned to, then two hours of training in the evening. Then dinner at the main hall, along your captains and your comrades.
Sometimes you lose your sense of reality, lose your grip on things, and you start to forget why on earth are you even here! With each drop of sweat, blood, tear, you ask yourself why? For what? For those ungrateful cowards living inside these walls? Or that pig of a king, sitting inside the safe and comfort of three walls, having people throw their lives in vain just to defend him?
But then you take a deep breath, and you remember. Remember why you're here, what brought you into this force. That deep aching grip around your heart.
Vengeance⦠That's what got you here.
Absentmindedly, as a reaction to these thoughts, your eyes blink and your hazy stare moves up. In the direction of the end of the hall, where that long wooden table was at. And precisely, at the figure sitting down at the far right, holding his cup of coffee in his hand, his head dipped down, brows furrowed, too focused on the papers in his hand. You instantly start glaring.
"Have you seen those poor things?" You hear a murmur, then a body slumping down on the chair next to you. Then the chair in front of you makes a scrape over the floor and another body sits. You blink again, and break away your eyes from that table, to your own. And see Connie next to you, reaching for a slice of bread from the basket. Sasha is opposite.
"They look like they're about to shit themselves." Connie snorts. "But boy, they're in for a ride with Captain Shadis!ā His hand reaches for the butter next, and he starts buttering the slice. Sasha was already munching on hers.
"Mhm..." Sasha nods.
"Why are they still recruiting kids?" You blurt, your eyes switching between them. "I get we were signed when we were kids because of the need back then, but why again? We haven't even finished our training yet!"
Connie shrugs, his lips curling in confusion.
"Maybe as a reinforcement?" Sasha says, and you shake your head slowly in response. It doesn't make sense. A part of you feels proud of those little kids. Because you get it, that want to prove something. That desire to protect. Yet another part feels sorry, heartbroken even. Because you know what's coming for them, having been there yourself. Being treated as nothing but a weapon, or a shield, to protect this pathetic so-called humanity. Training to death, to literally walk into your death, to serve those higher ranks, who couldn't even bother to take one step into mud and blood.
Heartlessā¦
Your eyes shoot again towards that table, realizing it'd probably been his decision to allow kids to sign again. Because that's all he cares about, new recruits to train, to replace the ones he loses each and every pointless expedition he makes outside of the wall.
You glance once again to the right, and he's gone. Not much of a surprise there. He never stays too long, because for him, business and duty always come first.
Spending these past three years training under his force, you realized everything you once thought of him was true. He cared about no one, nothing, but his job. This force. And his name, as the protecter of humanity between the walls. You never once caught him wasting time, never even saw him cracking a smile for once. He's always frowning, brows deeply creased and furrowed in focus on whatever he had in front of him. Whether itās a report or someone talking to him. And he never talks much, only to his right hand, Captain Levi Ackerman. And some other captains. He never looks at anyone else, because that's how arrogant and proud he is. To him, the rest of you are nothing but disposal insects, getting trained to serve under his command and die under his command and if it were for him to decide, he would let you breathe under his own commandā¦
You sigh deeply when you hear the bells, signaling the start of your morning training. You stand up, putting your plate and cup away, then you walk out of the hall. Your mind still buzzing, still whirling inside its skull, that you didn't notice the two people walking alongside you. Only a few steps behind. Heavy, confident steps, walking the way that led towards the training field.
Not until you heard a huff, then. "Oy!"
Your body instantly jolts, snapping you out of your thoughts, and your feet halt and you turn around. Your gaze lowers down, to a pair of grey eyes staring at you impatiently. So annoyed. Then your gaze looks behind those eyes, at the glaring blue eyes behind them. That didn't even bother to glance your way.
"Y-Yes?" You murmur.
Captain Levi arches a brow, and you shake your head quickly, as if taking that passing moment back, as your eyes keep dancing up and down, between the commander and his captain. Your heart pulses faster and heavier.
"Yes?" He repeats, his eyes even more agitated.
"Yes, captain Levi!ā
"Tch⦠for fuckās sake." You hear a click of tongue, and that comment, then you glance up once again at your commander, seeing his fiery eyes stare past you as he starts walking again. Annoyed and not addressing your presence as if you were another tree along his way. Your hands ball into fists by your sides.
"Next time, remember your damn manners, and walk three steps behind your superiors!ā Levi snaps, then looks away and starts walking again.
Your feet stay glued to the ground, both hands still fisted, and you press them. So hard, you feel your nails digging in your flesh as you wait.
I loathe him. Them. All of them...
After a few minutes, when everyone comes along to the field at last, you start walking again. Reaching the training area with some of the last arrivals. As you walk, your brows furrow in confusion, as you see the unbothered faces of Levi and Erwin waiting there. Standing next to captain Hange, who is supposed to be responsable for your training this year.
Oddā¦
Your chest rises, taking in a slow inhale, then it lowers down with your exhale as you walk to your position. Second row, between Mikasa, your roommate, and Connie again. You hear chatting, questions and a few comments on why on earth the commander is observing today's training session. And you can't help but listen, because in the past three years of training, other than the captain in charge of your training, none of them stepped foot inside these fields.
"It's really coming faster than we thought, huh!" Connie murmurs, you hear Sasha hushing him from behind. As you slowly lock your hands behind your back and push your chest forward, your chin up. But your eyes stay glued to the blonde haired man a few meters away from your rows. Dressed in his uniform, his gear always strapped and ready, his face always proud and agitated for some reason. He's nodding to something Hange was saying, his eyes deeply focused on theirs, listening intently.
"Well, yeah! Considering the tragic and failed expedition they had last month, they need to get their hands on some new expendables." Jean mutters, in the row next to you.
They're here to finally choose new recruits for the Survey Corps!
You feel a twitch in the corner of your mouth, a smirk trying so hard not to show. It's so close. So, so close now. You could almost feel it in the way your heart started racing, in the blood that surged to your whole body. Your sweet revenge is coming so soon.
"Alright!" You hear Hange speaks, their voice so stern and filled with authority you almost frown. But then you conclude it's because they're being observed today. And they can't act how they act on regular basis, all goofy and indulgent.
They start the routine warm ups of your training. Hundred times jumping jacks, thirty minutes of jogging, fifty lunges, then your daily fifty push ups.
You take your space, everyone takes their positions. And just when you're about to get down on your knees, you hear murmurs from the front. Unconsciously, your eyes go up and you glance in the direction of the captains. You see Levi talking with Hange, his arms crossed over his chest. His eyes not leaving them. Then you see him, commander Erwin, standing alongside them. His hands locked behind his back, his face scanning the laying bodies of your comrades as his ears keep on listening. His eyes, same as six years ago, still carry that empty, cold glare in them. It glints under the sun, and for a second you don't see the eyes of a human standing there. But the eyes of some beast, its stare so animalistic, so fierce and hard it makes your skin dot and crawl with uneasiness despite the blazing sun above your head.
You exhale, and just when his eyesight reaches your row, you duck your head down and get into your position. You know, if you'd been late for a split of a second, your eyes would've met. And that was the last thing you wanted. Because still, after all these years, you couldn't bear to look into his eyes. The murderer of your familyā¦
Your mouth twitches again, as you face the ground and lay your palms flat over the dirt, you smirk. Your head manifesting the right place and time, where you'll finally look into his eyes. The day you draw your blade into his chest, his heart.
If he even has one...
"I don't hear counting!" Hange yells, they start walking, slowly, observing the rising and falling bodies of all of you. You start hearing numbers all around, your comrades already doing their push ups and counting. And you start going at it yourself.
"One... Two... Three..." Sweat breaks over your forehead, dots start to trickle and fall to the dirt in front of you. You exhale, your breath already struggling, but you know it's not that big of a deal. You've been doing it for years, fifty pushups is nothing for you.
"Twenty-five... Twenty-six... Twenty-Seven..." The murmurs you heard before had stopped, momentarily, then picked up again. In the corner of your eyes, you notice Hange is no longer observing, but in a deep discussion with captain Levi again at the far side of the yard. Yet, you still hear tapping, boots thunking the dirt as you keep pushing up, lowering down, pushing up, lowering down.
"Thirty-nine... Forty... Forty-one..." Your lungs exhale, a pool of sweat had already formed under your face in the dirt, your chin still trickling. Your elbows start getting that familiar ache, your core burn, and your toes get numb. Yet your ears keep following that sound, those boots, thunk, thunk, thunk...
"Forty- three... Forty-four... Forty-five..."
Cramp!
Instantly, your stomach clenches, your abs on fire, and your elbows give in. Your face falls first into that damp dirt under you. And your body follows. You slump into the rough ground, and a small puff of dust rises and gets swiped away with the breeze. You start breathing hard, inhaling and exhaling heavy as the dirt penetrates your lungs and you start coughing. You feel mortified, not because this was such a routine for you and it's your first time failing it, but because those boots, that thunking, had stopped. And as you lift your face slowly, almost in dread, you see a long, massive shadow had formed over your body. Blocking the sky and your whole view as you try to peek a glanceā¦
Thud!
Your face slams, heavy and hard, right back into the dirt you almost wanted to groan from how hard you hit the ground. Your cheek gets grazed. Your lungs suffocate on the dust again and your chest lets out a few more coughs. You don't need to see, you don't need anyone near you to tell you what happened. As the pressing of his big and heavy boot keeps on pushing your head down into your pool of sweat.
"If you can't do a goddamn pushup the right way, you might as well sign to kitchen duties and save us all the effort of training such fucking failures!ā He shouts, his voice is loud, deep, and filled with so much authority you almost shudder under his foot.
You can feel everyone's eyes on you without even looking, and you feel your cheeks heating up from embarrassment. This was nothing new, coming from him. He's always been known for how cruel and strict he was. But what he was doing to you now, was not only cruel but disrespectful you felt your blood boiling.
I'm not a failure...
Your palms fist, and your feet shift on their tiptoes again. You incline your elbows and with his heavy foot still over your head, you push. Up, up, up, until that loud groan finally escapes your delicate throat and you yell. "Forty-six... Forty-seven... Forty-eight..."
He doesn't say anything, doesn't do anything. He keeps his foot over your head, as you keep pushing, then lowering. Your chest letting out jagged and rough breaths, your voice so raspy and hurt, you keep going. And you could swear, with each time you elevated your body up, you feel him putting more pressure onto you.
"Forty- nine... Fifty..." You scream, almost wanting to let go of your body, move your elbows and let it fall to the ground again. But you don't. You keep yourself pushed up, your arms began shaking, your breath held inside your chest, and your face turns so red yet you keep on fighting it. Your body stays up that the pushup turns to a thirty second plank.
Not until you hear his annoyed sigh, and feel the pressure being removed from your head and his boot slams the ground in front of you once again that you let go and immediately crumble down.
You don't look up, not yet. You start dragging heavy breaths, in, out, in, out... Until you hear him walking away, joining his captains on the other side. That you look up in his direction, and immediately, your eyes lock.
He's been staring at you, muttering a few things to Hange, while his eyes stay glued to you. A piercing shade of icy blue, it traps the air inside your lungs.
Then you exhale roughly, your mouth starts curling in disgust and your eyes can't hide it anymore, you glare right back at him. And you feel it, something igniting, burning, inside your body. It makes your fingers dig deep into the dirt, you can feel your nails scraping. Yet you keep on glaring, your jaw grits, and your body stiffens. And now you're not sure who's the beast and who's the prey anymore...
He keeps on looking at you, a slight twitch in his lips happens. A slight lift of an eyebrow. As if daring you to break that glare away, to bow your head and show him the respect he deserves. But you donāt. You keep on glaring back, your chest keeps on panting. Your body rigid and your eyes on fire. And now youāre the one daring him to look away.
But Erwin blinks, finally, when Hange asks him something. And he breaks his eyes away with a hint of a vile smirk over his lips. As if telling you donāt get full of yourself, you didnāt win this one. But he merely let you have it.
Suddenly, your body flinches and jolts when a hand reaches you. "Y/N!" You hear Mikasa right next to you, then you look to see her crouching down to level with you. "Are you okay?"
You nod, your head feels so dizzy from how hard your nerves were tugged and strained. Then you hear a chuckle.
"Oh, my fucking God! That was BADASS!" Connie shouts, also approaching you to give you a 'well done!' slam over your shoulder. It knocks the breath out of you. And then you smile, then chuckle and shake your head.
"She really showed Commander Erwin who's the boss!"
You snort, shaking your head again. "Shut it now." And you shove him away, then you take Mikasa's hand to pull your body up.
Did I?
Everyone starts murmuring, talking with each other, as they start to head out of the training field. And you walk with them, ignoring their eyes and comments as you keep your head down. Your cheeks sting from that harsh pressing over the ground but you ignore it as well. Then you start feeling something else. Creeping up over you, seizing you, like an invisible magnet force, tempting you to look. To turn your head, and look back, to the left, at him. Because you are sure, the way your body is feeling it again, that he's staring right at you once again.
And, unconsciously, your mouth tugs, in a very wicked smirk, as you kick the floor to keep on walking, out and away from him.
Iām so close...
















