lilac

Find it on Wattpad/Ao3: @lilacarclady

The dark surface of your tea stares back at you as you sit at the table in the big dining hall. Tapping your index finger against your cheek as you prop yourself against your palm. It's, again, one of those early mornings, where you're being dragged out of bed at the crack of dawn to do your routine warm ups. It's been like this for three years now. And every year, where you think things will get better, easier, they don’t. If anything, they get worse. Harder. Rougher. The training hours seem to stretch for too long by each passing day. Four hours in the morning, then routine work at the barracks, depends on what you get assigned to, then two hours of training in the evening. Then dinner at the main hall, along your captains and your comrades.

Sometimes you lose your sense of reality, lose your grip on things, and you start to forget why on earth are you even here! With each drop of sweat, blood, tear, you ask yourself why? For what? For those ungrateful cowards living inside these walls? Or that pig of a king, sitting inside the safe and comfort of three walls, having people throw their lives in vain just to defend him?

But then you take a deep breath, and you remember. Remember why you're here, what brought you into this force. That deep aching grip around your heart.

Vengeance… That's what got you here.

Absentmindedly, as a reaction to these thoughts, your eyes blink and your hazy stare moves up. In the direction of the end of the hall, where that long wooden table was at. And precisely, at the figure sitting down at the far right, holding his cup of coffee in his hand, his head dipped down, brows furrowed, too focused on the papers in his hand. You instantly start glaring.

"Have you seen those poor things?" You hear a murmur, then a body slumping down on the chair next to you. Then the chair in front of you makes a scrape over the floor and another body sits. You blink again, and break away your eyes from that table, to your own. And see Connie next to you, reaching for a slice of bread from the basket. Sasha is opposite.

"They look like they're about to shit themselves." Connie snorts. "But boy, they're in for a ride with Captain Shadis!” His hand reaches for the butter next, and he starts buttering the slice. Sasha was already munching on hers.

"Mhm..." Sasha nods.

"Why are they still recruiting kids?" You blurt, your eyes switching between them. "I get we were signed when we were kids because of the need back then, but why again? We haven't even finished our training yet!"

Connie shrugs, his lips curling in confusion.

"Maybe as a reinforcement?" Sasha says, and you shake your head slowly in response. It doesn't make sense. A part of you feels proud of those little kids. Because you get it, that want to prove something. That desire to protect. Yet another part feels sorry, heartbroken even. Because you know what's coming for them, having been there yourself. Being treated as nothing but a weapon, or a shield, to protect this pathetic so-called humanity. Training to death, to literally walk into your death, to serve those higher ranks, who couldn't even bother to take one step into mud and blood.

Heartless…

Your eyes shoot again towards that table, realizing it'd probably been his decision to allow kids to sign again. Because that's all he cares about, new recruits to train, to replace the ones he loses each and every pointless expedition he makes outside of the wall.

You glance once again to the right, and he's gone. Not much of a surprise there. He never stays too long, because for him, business and duty always come first.

Spending these past three years training under his force, you realized everything you once thought of him was true. He cared about no one, nothing, but his job. This force. And his name, as the protecter of humanity between the walls. You never once caught him wasting time, never even saw him cracking a smile for once. He's always frowning, brows deeply creased and furrowed in focus on whatever he had in front of him. Whether it’s a report or someone talking to him. And he never talks much, only to his right hand, Captain Levi Ackerman. And some other captains. He never looks at anyone else, because that's how arrogant and proud he is. To him, the rest of you are nothing but disposal insects, getting trained to serve under his command and die under his command and if it were for him to decide, he would let you breathe under his own command…

You sigh deeply when you hear the bells, signaling the start of your morning training. You stand up, putting your plate and cup away, then you walk out of the hall. Your mind still buzzing, still whirling inside its skull, that you didn't notice the two people walking alongside you. Only a few steps behind. Heavy, confident steps, walking the way that led towards the training field.

Not until you heard a huff, then. "Oy!"

Your body instantly jolts, snapping you out of your thoughts, and your feet halt and you turn around. Your gaze lowers down, to a pair of grey eyes staring at you impatiently. So annoyed. Then your gaze looks behind those eyes, at the glaring blue eyes behind them. That didn't even bother to glance your way.

"Y-Yes?" You murmur.

Captain Levi arches a brow, and you shake your head quickly, as if taking that passing moment back, as your eyes keep dancing up and down, between the commander and his captain. Your heart pulses faster and heavier.

"Yes?" He repeats, his eyes even more agitated.

"Yes, captain Levi!”

"Tch… for fuck’s sake." You hear a click of tongue, and that comment, then you glance up once again at your commander, seeing his fiery eyes stare past you as he starts walking again. Annoyed and not addressing your presence as if you were another tree along his way. Your hands ball into fists by your sides.

"Next time, remember your damn manners, and walk three steps behind your superiors!” Levi snaps, then looks away and starts walking again.

Your feet stay glued to the ground, both hands still fisted, and you press them. So hard, you feel your nails digging in your flesh as you wait.

I loathe him. Them. All of them...

After a few minutes, when everyone comes along to the field at last, you start walking again. Reaching the training area with some of the last arrivals. As you walk, your brows furrow in confusion, as you see the unbothered faces of Levi and Erwin waiting there. Standing next to captain Hange, who is supposed to be responsable for your training this year.

Odd…

Your chest rises, taking in a slow inhale, then it lowers down with your exhale as you walk to your position. Second row, between Mikasa, your roommate, and Connie again. You hear chatting, questions and a few comments on why on earth the commander is observing today's training session. And you can't help but listen, because in the past three years of training, other than the captain in charge of your training, none of them stepped foot inside these fields.

"It's really coming faster than we thought, huh!" Connie murmurs, you hear Sasha hushing him from behind. As you slowly lock your hands behind your back and push your chest forward, your chin up. But your eyes stay glued to the blonde haired man a few meters away from your rows. Dressed in his uniform, his gear always strapped and ready, his face always proud and agitated for some reason. He's nodding to something Hange was saying, his eyes deeply focused on theirs, listening intently.

"Well, yeah! Considering the tragic and failed expedition they had last month, they need to get their hands on some new expendables." Jean mutters, in the row next to you.

They're here to finally choose new recruits for the Survey Corps!

You feel a twitch in the corner of your mouth, a smirk trying so hard not to show. It's so close. So, so close now. You could almost feel it in the way your heart started racing, in the blood that surged to your whole body. Your sweet revenge is coming so soon.

"Alright!" You hear Hange speaks, their voice so stern and filled with authority you almost frown. But then you conclude it's because they're being observed today. And they can't act how they act on regular basis, all goofy and indulgent.

They start the routine warm ups of your training. Hundred times jumping jacks, thirty minutes of jogging, fifty lunges, then your daily fifty push ups.

You take your space, everyone takes their positions. And just when you're about to get down on your knees, you hear murmurs from the front. Unconsciously, your eyes go up and you glance in the direction of the captains. You see Levi talking with Hange, his arms crossed over his chest. His eyes not leaving them. Then you see him, commander Erwin, standing alongside them. His hands locked behind his back, his face scanning the laying bodies of your comrades as his ears keep on listening. His eyes, same as six years ago, still carry that empty, cold glare in them. It glints under the sun, and for a second you don't see the eyes of a human standing there. But the eyes of some beast, its stare so animalistic, so fierce and hard it makes your skin dot and crawl with uneasiness despite the blazing sun above your head.

You exhale, and just when his eyesight reaches your row, you duck your head down and get into your position. You know, if you'd been late for a split of a second, your eyes would've met. And that was the last thing you wanted. Because still, after all these years, you couldn't bear to look into his eyes. The murderer of your family…

Your mouth twitches again, as you face the ground and lay your palms flat over the dirt, you smirk. Your head manifesting the right place and time, where you'll finally look into his eyes. The day you draw your blade into his chest, his heart.

If he even has one...

"I don't hear counting!" Hange yells, they start walking, slowly, observing the rising and falling bodies of all of you. You start hearing numbers all around, your comrades already doing their push ups and counting. And you start going at it yourself.

"One... Two... Three..." Sweat breaks over your forehead, dots start to trickle and fall to the dirt in front of you. You exhale, your breath already struggling, but you know it's not that big of a deal. You've been doing it for years, fifty pushups is nothing for you.

"Twenty-five... Twenty-six... Twenty-Seven..." The murmurs you heard before had stopped, momentarily, then picked up again. In the corner of your eyes, you notice Hange is no longer observing, but in a deep discussion with captain Levi again at the far side of the yard. Yet, you still hear tapping, boots thunking the dirt as you keep pushing up, lowering down, pushing up, lowering down.

"Thirty-nine... Forty... Forty-one..." Your lungs exhale, a pool of sweat had already formed under your face in the dirt, your chin still trickling. Your elbows start getting that familiar ache, your core burn, and your toes get numb. Yet your ears keep following that sound, those boots, thunk, thunk, thunk...

"Forty- three... Forty-four... Forty-five..."

Cramp!

Instantly, your stomach clenches, your abs on fire, and your elbows give in. Your face falls first into that damp dirt under you. And your body follows. You slump into the rough ground, and a small puff of dust rises and gets swiped away with the breeze. You start breathing hard, inhaling and exhaling heavy as the dirt penetrates your lungs and you start coughing. You feel mortified, not because this was such a routine for you and it's your first time failing it, but because those boots, that thunking, had stopped. And as you lift your face slowly, almost in dread, you see a long, massive shadow had formed over your body. Blocking the sky and your whole view as you try to peek a glance…

Thud!

Your face slams, heavy and hard, right back into the dirt you almost wanted to groan from how hard you hit the ground. Your cheek gets grazed. Your lungs suffocate on the dust again and your chest lets out a few more coughs. You don't need to see, you don't need anyone near you to tell you what happened. As the pressing of his big and heavy boot keeps on pushing your head down into your pool of sweat.

"If you can't do a goddamn pushup the right way, you might as well sign to kitchen duties and save us all the effort of training such fucking failures!” He shouts, his voice is loud, deep, and filled with so much authority you almost shudder under his foot.

You can feel everyone's eyes on you without even looking, and you feel your cheeks heating up from embarrassment. This was nothing new, coming from him. He's always been known for how cruel and strict he was. But what he was doing to you now, was not only cruel but disrespectful you felt your blood boiling.

I'm not a failure...

Your palms fist, and your feet shift on their tiptoes again. You incline your elbows and with his heavy foot still over your head, you push. Up, up, up, until that loud groan finally escapes your delicate throat and you yell. "Forty-six... Forty-seven... Forty-eight..."

He doesn't say anything, doesn't do anything. He keeps his foot over your head, as you keep pushing, then lowering. Your chest letting out jagged and rough breaths, your voice so raspy and hurt, you keep going. And you could swear, with each time you elevated your body up, you feel him putting more pressure onto you.

"Forty- nine... Fifty..." You scream, almost wanting to let go of your body, move your elbows and let it fall to the ground again. But you don't. You keep yourself pushed up, your arms began shaking, your breath held inside your chest, and your face turns so red yet you keep on fighting it. Your body stays up that the pushup turns to a thirty second plank.

Not until you hear his annoyed sigh, and feel the pressure being removed from your head and his boot slams the ground in front of you once again that you let go and immediately crumble down.

You don't look up, not yet. You start dragging heavy breaths, in, out, in, out... Until you hear him walking away, joining his captains on the other side. That you look up in his direction, and immediately, your eyes lock.

He's been staring at you, muttering a few things to Hange, while his eyes stay glued to you. A piercing shade of icy blue, it traps the air inside your lungs.

Then you exhale roughly, your mouth starts curling in disgust and your eyes can't hide it anymore, you glare right back at him. And you feel it, something igniting, burning, inside your body. It makes your fingers dig deep into the dirt, you can feel your nails scraping. Yet you keep on glaring, your jaw grits, and your body stiffens. And now you're not sure who's the beast and who's the prey anymore...

He keeps on looking at you, a slight twitch in his lips happens. A slight lift of an eyebrow. As if daring you to break that glare away, to bow your head and show him the respect he deserves. But you don’t. You keep on glaring back, your chest keeps on panting. Your body rigid and your eyes on fire. And now you’re the one daring him to look away.

But Erwin blinks, finally, when Hange asks him something. And he breaks his eyes away with a hint of a vile smirk over his lips. As if telling you don’t get full of yourself, you didn’t win this one. But he merely let you have it.

Suddenly, your body flinches and jolts when a hand reaches you. "Y/N!" You hear Mikasa right next to you, then you look to see her crouching down to level with you. "Are you okay?"

You nod, your head feels so dizzy from how hard your nerves were tugged and strained. Then you hear a chuckle.

"Oh, my fucking God! That was BADASS!" Connie shouts, also approaching you to give you a 'well done!' slam over your shoulder. It knocks the breath out of you. And then you smile, then chuckle and shake your head.

"She really showed Commander Erwin who's the boss!"

You snort, shaking your head again. "Shut it now." And you shove him away, then you take Mikasa's hand to pull your body up.

Did I?

Everyone starts murmuring, talking with each other, as they start to head out of the training field. And you walk with them, ignoring their eyes and comments as you keep your head down. Your cheeks sting from that harsh pressing over the ground but you ignore it as well. Then you start feeling something else. Creeping up over you, seizing you, like an invisible magnet force, tempting you to look. To turn your head, and look back, to the left, at him. Because you are sure, the way your body is feeling it again, that he's staring right at you once again.

And, unconsciously, your mouth tugs, in a very wicked smirk, as you kick the floor to keep on walking, out and away from him.

Find it on Ao3/Wattpad: @lilacarclady

Being a woman, was the most wonderful thing to ever happen for me. I love every single thing about myself and my body. And as selfish as that would sound, I found us the most elegant and creative human kind to exist. But aside from all these sweet qualitative sides about being a woman, I found being one could always give you a ready to-go excuse at hand whenever you needed it. So today, in the morning when Yuzuha's alarm sounded off and she woke up, I gave her that excuse. Even though it wasn't true and it was all there is, an excuse.

I told Yuzuha that I got my period this morning, and the cramps were so bad that I couldn't even get up. So she understood. And told me to stay laid down and rested. And so I did. I also told her that I found my phone last night, somewhere in their house, and maybe Hakkai had found it at Mitsuya's place and brought it here.

Which it clearly sounded like a really dumb made up story but she didn't say anything. But promised me to call and check on me later today.

I didn't even bother to lift the covers off my face to look at her, because I wasn't sure what my face looked like and if his fingers had left marks on me from last night.

As the events of last night came forming back in my mind, I found it very strange that I even managed to sleep at all. But I did. From the second I came back to Yuzuha's room, I remember the hot tears on my face and the foggy feeling that crept into my head, dizzying me, and without realizing it I fell instantly asleep. And thinking about how strange that was, I realized my body was going through something internally. I just didn't know what it was.

Now finally in the bathroom, it was around ten and I just got up and out of Yuzuha's room. The house felt quiet. So I thought either it was empty or he was still sleeping in his room.

I ran my hand through my bangs to push my hair back and leaned closer to the mirror. And sure enough, they were there.

Round, small patches of redness and small cuts were dotted on both of my cheeks. Three maybe on the left cheek and one on the right, where his fingers were pressed. Again, his mark was on me, and again, I felt shamefully stained. Like somehow those marks were not only a reminder of his hands on me, but also a reminder of my own cowardice and lack of awareness. Because I walked, with my own feet, into his room. And I was the one who kept pressing on what I knew will only stress him more. It was all my fault.

I turned the faucet and splashed my face with cold water, hoping it'll help with easing the redness of those patches away. And if they didn't go, I might just do the same thing Yuzuha did to my arm with concealer until they disappear.

After finishing in the bathroom and brushing my teeth, I walked back to Yuzuha's room, my feet pacing the floor as quietly as they could, and put my toiletry bag into my backpack and headed downstairs. I wanted to go back to sleep, but I was too hungry for that. And it was raining heavily again outside to go walking home now, so I decided on finding something to eat.

Downstairs, the air felt cold and dry as usual. And I rubbed my hands over my bare arms as I walked into the kitchen. The backyard door was surprisingly closed shut and everything was misplaced and messy.

My eyes moved from the pizza box on the counter since last night, when he was eating from it, to the piled dishes in the sink. I sighed to myself and opened the fridge. I promised myself not to make judges about Yuzuha's life. But now after knowing what I know, I couldn't help but feel sorry for them.

The thought of not expecting anything to eat in there evaporated quickly and my eyebrows lifted when I saw the fully stocked fridge in front of me. There were fruits, drinks, snacks, milk, eggs, ham, cheese and two jars of peanut and jam next to one another. The confusion couldn't help but sink in deeper in me, because this was not normal! But maybe it's because Taiju was here, I thought.

I grabbed the peanut butter jar and went to take a spoon out of the drawer. I felt a moral tug in me like I shouldn't eat anything more than that. Because it was for them, and because it was one of the rarest sights to ever see in this house.

I then took a seat at the kitchen table and took my phone out of my sweatpants pocket, finally checking what I missed in the past few days. There were texts and social media notifications, a few missed calls and an email. I tapped it open and saw that it was an invitation that was sent by one of the girls in our class, inviting me to a halloween party she'll be having at her place on Halloween Day. And my face wrinkled at the screen. A party was the last thing I needed at the moment, considering how the last party I went to ended.

As I was scrolling through my phone and my tongue working around the slippery peanut butter on the spoon, I heard a shuffling noise descending the stairs in heavy paces. And I froze, the spoon still in my mouth. Then seconds later, his inked and bulky figure appeared in the kitchen and headed straight towards a cabinet a few feet away from me. Without even glancing at where I was sitting still on the chair.

Taiju was shirtless, only in a pair of shorts and the chain around his neck. I watched as he opened the cabinet and took out a bottle of Advil, popping two pills into his mouth and swallowing them dry. And that answered the questions in my head that he was indeed drunk last night, and today he was hungover.

I pulled the spoon slowly out of my mouth and with it came the wet, sucking sound of something slipping. My cheeks grew hot instantly. And Taiju, at that movement, turned his head and glanced at me sideways, annoyed, then turned back. But then he lifted his head, glanced back at me one more time and said, "What the hell?" Surprised and probably only now realizing it was me at the table. I noticed how hoarse his morning voice sounded. I placed the spoon back in the jar silently.

"Jesus, didn't I tell you not to keep on wearing her clothes?" He was looking at Yuzuha's t-shirt and sweatpants that I was wearing. And I frowned at this because he obviously saw me wearing them last night. But then I remembered he was drunk and probably couldn't remember anything of what happened. Not my clothes, not us talking, and for sure not him hurting me. I averted my gaze away and shrugged.

I heard him sighing and then walking to the fridge, opening it. And as he did, my eyes scanned his bare and muscled back. The black and big cross that was covering his entire back made it hard to focus on anything else. So my eyes kept staring, my mouth opened slightly. He looked good, too good. And that idea hurt in my head because I didn't want to see him in that way. I took a breath.

"Like what you see?" He said as he bent to grab a banana and closed the fridge's door. I shook my head and turned my gaze down at my peanut.

"It's a nice tattoo." I murmured, my voice weak.

"Sure it is." He said. I could hear the smirk in his voice as he walked towards the coffee maker.

When he was pouring a cup of coffee for himself, I took another spoonful of peanut in my mouth. My eyes focusing at the black screen of my phone on the table. Then I heard the chair across from me scraping on the floor and Taiju sitting. His banana and black coffee with him.

He bent forward, the cross around his neck dangling as he took a sip then gulped it bitterly. "That's all you're having for breakfast?" He said. I nodded.

"There's food, you know!" He added.

I nodded again. "I know, I don't feel like eating." I said then glanced at what he was having and he seemed to read my thoughts exactly.

He also nodded. "Too hungover to eat." He said.

I slouched my shoulders and took my phone, feeling how awkward this was getting, I wanted it to distract me.

In the edge of my eyes sight I saw that he leaned back in his chair, one hand around his coffee cup and the other was tapping lightly on the table. And his face, I wasn't sure where his eyes were, but I felt them on me.

As I was scrolling through my phone again, I absentmindedly pushed my hair back and away from my face, and that was when I heard the tapping of his fingers stopping.

He leaned in on the table. "Look up." He said, his tone flat but demanding. And I hesitated for a second before locking my phone and slowly lifting my face at him.

His eyes roamed my face, more precisely, both of my cheeks. Then he leaned back in his chair again and exhaled a heavy breath.

"What happened last night?" He said and I shrugged again, clearly unable to find my voice.

"Talk."

"Nothing." I whispered, then I saw how impatient he looked, I added. "We talked."

Taiju nodded, clearly racking his brain for memories about last night. His eyes kept staring at me still as he did and I felt myself shrinking in my chair. Like any minute now, my body will keep on shrinking under his pressing gaze until I become the size of the pills he just took.

Another sigh escaped his chest then he took a gulp from his coffee. "Why aren't you at school?" He said, putting his cup down.

I wanted to shrug again but stopped myself, so I just shook my head. "Wasn't feeling well." I said. Taiju nodded.

Few minutes passed, or maybe seconds that felt like minutes, between us sitting in silence before I decided to stand up. I put my phone back on the table and headed towards the fridge to put back the peanut butter. Then I turned towards the sink to wash my spoon, feeling it would be rude if I just left it there. Even if the sink was already piled with dishes.

But then I looked at the dishes in the sink again and at the dishwasher next to it. Opening it and turning the water on, my hands started rinsing the plates and putting them into the washer. Since I was here anyway and had nothing to do, I might as well clean them, I thought.

"What are you doing?" His voice came from behind me when I started rinsing a cup.

I shrugged. "They're dirty."

"So..."

"I'm helping Yuzuha a little." I said as I bent to put the cup in the washer. Taiju fell silent for a few seconds, and what I was guessing, he was eating his banana and watching me. But I didn't mind that. As long as my eyes weren't looking into his eyes, I was okay.

After finishing the whole sink and turning on the dishwasher, I heard his chair making a soft noise. Not giving me a chance to turn on my own, he came behind me and his hands found my waist, turning me urgently to face him. A light breath got knocked out of my chest at that movement and I froze. 

"You didn't have to do that." He murmured, his face looked annoyed and I was aware of his hands still on my waist.

I shook my head slowly. "It's nothing."

Taiju's eyes lingered on my cheeks again, then his right hand lifted towards my face and I flinched against my will at that move. My heart jumped.

"Don't do that." He said. His fingers found my cheeks and I felt them wrapping around my face under my ear while his thumb started caressing my cheek, where his fingers were pressing forcefully at last night.

"They don't hurt, do they?"

I shook my head again, unable to speak because of the closeness he started getting. Again. And my body going into that panicked and alerted state. Again.

For a second, because of the way he was looking down at me, I thought he was going to kiss me. And I felt my cheeks flushing red at that thought. Then I felt my body splitting again, into two sides. Two forces were tugging at me. Like a civil war had erupted inside me. Fighting for dominance and control. My mind's army were yelling, blasting those sirens as high as they could, telling me to push him away and escape. Leave this house at once. While my body's army were surrendering, to him, and parting my lips ever slightly. Getting ready to receive the feeling of his mouth on me that never came. Because he didn't kiss me, and instead, his head titled sideways and he buried it into my neck. I shivered.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, so hoarsely and so low, that if he wasn't this close to my ear I wouldn't have heard it.

"Taiju..."

He nodded, not talking as I felt his hot breath now against me neck. And I uncontrollably crooked my neck sideways at that feeling, like hugging his face more into me.

"You can't keep doing this!" I breathed out. His hands left my waist and were now making their way around me, towards my back, his big palms started doing circular motions.

"Doing what?" He said. But just when I was about to talk, his hands traveled down, all the way to my ass and lifted me up forcefully.

I gasped, and scared from falling, wrapped my arms around his neck. Clutching to him like a life float, but instead of it saving me, I felt like that life float was only drowning me deeper.

Taiju turned and walked towards the kitchen counter, lifting my body up that I felt his fingers digging into my thighs as he placed me over the counter. Opening my legs apart and positioning himself between my thighs. "You were saying?" He said.

I blinked, once, twice, taking a few seconds to process what he just did. My arms were still around his neck, feeling tingly from brushing against the ends of his hair. I quickly pulled them down and shook my head.

"This's what I mean, Taiju." I said, my voice barely audible.

"This's not okay?" His lips were smirking now, slyly, and his eyes were the shade of butterscotch under the kitchen's morning light.

"Yes." I whispered.

"Hm.." His hands left my sides and made their way to my back again, but this time they found their way under the fabric of my t-shirt. And just when his hands touched the skin on my back, my body instantly arched forward, fighting the cold touch of his fingers on me. He chuckled, his breath landed on my face and I realized I'd gotten too close to him.

"How about this?" He said, now roaming my whole bare back freely. And I felt a big loss had happened inside me, because the winner of that civil war was definitely my body. So I wrapped my arms around his neck again, and this time, I was the one who buried my face into his neck.

"Good girl..." His voice sent a fuzzy, tingling feeling, that erupted from down my stomach to my whole body. And I felt like I wanted him closer now, more, closer between my thighs.

"Taiju..." I whispered again, feeling his warm skin now printing against my cheek. The cheek that carried the marks of his hand on me, and I felt like a traitor. Because I was clearly betraying my own self. But at that moment, I didn't care. I pressed my lips against his now slightly sweaty skin, kissing him under his ear.

I heard him drawing a deep breath then pulling me more into him, opening my thighs further apart and pushing his wide hips towards me. I was barely sitting on the edge now.

"Is this okay?" He whispered. I nodded once more into him, my lips wanting to kiss him again, but at the same time I started hearing a very familiar tone. And it took me a second to realize it was my phone ringing. I lifted my face up.

"Leave it." He said, his voice clear and stern now. I looked at my phone ringing at the table behind him.

"I have to see who it is!" I said.

"Later.."

"Taiju, it could be my Nana..." I started closing my legs so he could get back. But he was like a stone pole inserted there.

"I said not now!" He snapped. And I could tell he was growing irritated once more. A selfish part of me wanted to ignore my phone, because I didn't want to stop whatever was happening between us and didn't want his grumpy mood to come again.

But then I thought about my Nana and shook my head at Taiju, who groaned roughly and turned towards the table. Leaving me sitting on the counter as he fetched my phone and looked at the screen. Then he came back to where he was, exactly back between my thighs, and slid the phone to answer, pressing at the speaker.

I narrowed my eyes at the screen, trying to see who it was before talking, but Yuzuha's voice came quickly. "Emi, baby, how are you feeling?"

"Yuzuha!" I shook my head panically, "hey, I'm okay." I said.

Taiju's eyes were dead focused on me as he held my phone next to my face. His other hand was under my t-shirt, this time on my bare stomach and slowly inching their way towards my bra. I held my breath.

"Are you really?" Her voice started rushing, and I imagined her walking the school hallway now and heading to her locker. "How is the period cramps? Listen, I left some painkillers on my dresser along with tampons. I hope you found them!" And at that I closed my eyes shut and pressed my lips together so tightly, I was sure they were about to melt shut forever. Taiju's hand stopped under my shirt.

"You there, Emi?"

My eyes still closed, I nodded. My cheeks exploding like a volcano. "Yup." I said.

"Okay, that's good. Don't go out it's still raining awfully outside. I'll see you when I come back. I love you."

"Love you." I murmured and the line went silent. And in that awkward, awful, agonizing silence that fell after her phone call, Taiju put my phone on the counter next to me and drew his hand out of my shirt.

"Look at me." He said.

I slowly unclosed my eyes, my eyelashes fluttering and my eyes looking anywhere but at his. Still embarrassed to my core. Both of Taiju's hands came up to my face, and surprisingly this time, my body didn't do anything. Like him touching me was the most normal thing ever now.

Taiju cupped both of my cheeks. "You okay?" He said, his brows furrowing at me. And I didn't catch if it was an annoyed look or a concerned one. I nodded.

I wanted to tell him that I didn't get my period. That I was perfectly okay and that was just an excuse to skip school and not let Yuzuha see my face. But I couldn't. Because talking about it again still felt embarrassing. 

He brushed my cheeks again, so lightly, it surprised me. Because it was unbelievably strange that those exact hands, that almost broke my jaw last night, were capable of being this gentle.

"You go rest, then." He murmured and his arms went to wrap around my waist, lifting me limply, like I was a small rag doll, and putting me down on the floor again.

I cleared my throat. "It's okay." I said, "I think I'll go change and head home." We were standing in front of each other, looking and feeling just as awkward.

Then Taiju moved to clear his cup and banana peel from the table. "It's still raining." He said.

I turned to take my phone, looking out of the kitchen window. "It's okay, it's only a ten minutes walk." I said. But it wasn't okay. Because I'll obviously be drenched if I went in that rain now.

He went to put his cup in the sink. "Still, it won't be safe for you." He said then turned to me, his eyes unreadable. "You could stay."

I shook my head, not wanting to read more into that invitation of his. "I can't, Taiju." I said and locked my eyes with his. "I can't be here when Yuzuha comes back." Then I pointed my index finger towards my cheek.

He stared at me for a second before running a hand through his hair and looking away from me. "Okay, give me a minute to get dressed and I'll give you a ride." And with that he walked out of the kitchen.

Fifteen minutes later, I was standing back in the kitchen, dressed in my school uniform from yesterday and my backpack hung over one shoulder. I managed to shove everything there along with my textbooks hurriedly because I didn't want to take too long. But Taiju was still in his room, and as I was waiting I took my phone out and texted Yuzuha, telling her that I was heading home and thanking her.

After pressing send on my text, I heard his heavy boots making their way towards the kitchen and I tugged sharply at my bag, readying myself. Like a soldier standing straightly still when his commander came by.

Taiju then entered the kitchen and the first thing I looked at was the long, too familiar, red coat of his. His hair was now more neatly styled and brushed.

"You ready?" He asked. I nodded and his eyes went down to my legs. "Won't you get cold in this?" He nodded towards my short skirt. I shook my head.

"It's getting cold out there, and it'll be freezing on my bike!" He cocked a brow at me.

I shrugged and pointed with my chin towards his bare chest under the coat. "Won't you?"

And he chuckled as he walked closer to me. "Try controlling that smarting tongue of yours." He said then opened the backyard door. I followed after him, my lips tugging in a hidden smile as I breathed in the familiar cologne of him after passing me.

Outside, I noticed that the rain had stopped. And there was nothing left but the rainless thick clouds in the sky and the muddy pools in the yard. Taiju walked towards what looked like a motorbike under a thick cover of plastic dotted with raindrops. And with one strong pull, it flew to the side, splashing those raindrops with it, and revealing his big black bike underneath it. I gulped as I walked slowly towards him. Careful not to step over any muddy patch.

"Wait here." He murmured as he left me by the bike and went inside the house again.

Looking around me, I realized this is the first time in a long time that I see this yard. It wasn't like the typical backyard of a house. Because for a starter it wasn't grassy or bushy, but muddy and I imagined it would look like a deserted space of dust when not wet like this.

I noticed how wherever I looked, I found one or two items or a part of a bike. Just thrown there and forgotten about. Tires of all sizes and wires were also put in one corner, now covered with rain and mud.

Then I noticed a tree, a big tree that it looked like it was wronged for being here. Because it didn't fit with everything around it. And I felt an urge to walk to it, but before responding to that urge, the kitchen door opened again and Taiju came back. His eyes studying me and holding what I recognized as a helmet in his hands.

"Put this on." He said when he reached me.

I took the shiny and silky black helmet from him and stared momentarily at the letters that were engraved on it. They were 'BD - TS' in a white font and I knew it meant the words 'Black Dragon' and 'Taiju Shiba'.

"Ready?" He said. I nodded and slipped it over my hair. And instantly, I was greeted with the smell of his cologne again inside of it. Then I felt my heart doing a little flutter at that feeling. The coziness of the helmet and his smell made me feel like my head was being held, hugged, between his arms. Like I was being held into his chest.

"Hop on." He said. I nodded and swung my leg over the big bike. My bare legs felt cold against the metal sides of it.

"Okay." He said, "hold on tightly." And I nodded again even though he couldn't see me. Then I snaked my arms around his torso, hesitantly. Taiju took my arms and pulled them further, making my body lean in and press over his back.