Lilac Loner

Saving for later🫠

„Grief, l've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.“

I sent this text to one of my best friends two and a half years ago. The universe gave me exactly what I asked for a month later. I fell so tumblingly in love with someone who I knew loved me just as much. They were my person, my reason to smile. I was so happy, so over the moon to be with them. I knew what all the love songs were about and played them all on repeat. I was missing out on a huge part of life but with them I knew what it was all about. Of course, these things don’t always last forever and my life breathing love ended. It was like a shot through my chest when they left. I remember going back to my room and feeling like someone had died - like I would die. I didn’t know how to do this life thing without them. It hurt even more that I knew they were just as broken and jagged as I was to lose us. It hurt so much but I knew I could never go back. The finality was deafening. Now, more than a year after our separation I feel less afraid of moving forward. That fear of pain and hurt is still there just like I think it always will be but I’m slowly coming back to the idea of love. I probably won’t dive head first again like I did before I knew what it felt like to break apart once you hit the ground. But that high of being with another person in the love bubble is still one of those things that makes life worth living and I’m not ready to leave it behind.