Shine on Benevolent Sun

Sometimes while my boyfriend and I are in the middle of sex, he'll stop and just look at me. He'll push me back and stare at every inch of my body and sigh. When I ask him if something is wrong he'll smile and tell me that I'm beautiful, just so beautiful and that he wants to take it all in. 

I feel so much better than I have. I am the same person that lived in her dorm alone and hurt herself every night. I am numb again and it's best this way. 

my mom is getting worse and I don't know what I'm going to do. I just want a long hug. 

I feel like I've failed. I've been trying so hard to like myself and to feel like I am a decent looking person and I thought I had accomplished that. I finally felt comfortable with my body and was slowly working my way to being happy. But then as I was walking to the car my mother said "You're finally losing weight. Keep at it". The only time she really gives a "compliment" is when she notices that I am slimming down. I know I'm losing weight. You can't really gain it if you're not eating anything. I only drink tea. I can't remember when I last ate. I try to keep in mind that she has an older mindset. Where you have to be skinny to be beautiful. I try to remember that but I can't help but feel awful, like I'm the ugliest thing to exist. Maybe when my bones poke out, I'll feel like I'm okay. Maybe then my mom will think I'm beautiful and so will I. 

sometimes I feel like you don't care at all

I've been so upset lately and I wish someone acted like they cared even the slightest. 

I feel like I'm having a constant panic attack. 

I never thought I'd hear your voice again. And I wish I didn't. I feel like I'm going to throw up. 

i wish you at least acted like you wanted to talk to me sometimes maybe then i wouldn't feel like i'm taking up so much of your time

i cant stop crying. i dont know why i did this to myself to begin with. im so fucking stupid.